VeeVee Pissed

I'm a Bitch.

This has been stated by me before. But I am an even bigger Bitch when I am pissed off. I become this snarling, hissing, clawing harpy. My voice lowers and "Vic" comes out big time.

"But Vee why are you telling us this?" I'll tell you why. We know that in this world not EVERYONE can be trusted right? If everyone in your world can be trusted I'd like to come and stay with you. So, we know that not everyone can be trusted but do we also know about small matters of disappointment versus full on betrayals? No? Allow me to demonstrate: Back before I met Christopher, when I was still hurting from a failed engagement I signed up for an online dating account (yes I know...shocking). There were a few guys here in Polk County that were interested but mostly because to them I was a novelty. They'd either never been with a black woman (how many of you are surprised that was the reason?), or they were fascinated that I seemed like the perfect blend of man and woman (guess we know why now). I LOVE to cook, clean, shop, cuddle, take care of others, kids, babies, dressing up and I could pull off the submissive, demure housewife wihout a hitch. But I also LOVE sports, playing and watching, going to strip clubs, porn, fucking someone, I hate talking about my feelings (used to anyway) and I am extremely strong and dominant.

So I was going on dates that weren't working out until one day I get this message from a guy named Brian. Brian was great, he sent me photos of him (he was gorgeous), and we talked for months before meeting. He met me at the mall at my job. He called my name: Are you Veronica? And I turned around looking for the man attached to the voice I knew so well and didn't see him. I heard: Vee? And then...I looked down.

Yes, he'd neglected to tell me that while I stand at 5'8" he was only 4'10". I was shocked, disappointed and extremely upset and then I realized that in the grand scheme of things, his height wasn't that BIG of a deal. He was still the guy I had gotten to know over those few months, even thoug he had misled me in one area it didn't mean that the rest of him was rotten. "Don't let one apple ruin the whole bunch." Brian and I are still friends today. He is married, with children and went with me to Christopher's funeral.

I said that because within the last week I have watched certain group members of a book group I am a part of turn something as small as two members whose pictures may or may not really be theirs into a fucking mountain of suspicion and venom. Their very identities have been called into question. I wasn't going to talk about it on my blog because if adults don't know not to keep your guard up sufficiently when dealing with those online until they have proved themselves to be trustworthy then they need to go back and read the WARNING label on every social networking website ever created. BUT I had a friend share a comment some other...well....ass, made, that called into question ANOTHER dear friend of mine. So how did a picture issue become all three of these people are liars, fakes and phonies? People can be supremely venomous when they feel foolish or betrayed. But why should a few pictures lead them to feel this way? The people in question are too popular to have their ACTUAL pictures online, so they confess to it and move on, but now this whole thing has caused, for me, a whole new view of a lot of other people as their vicious, hateful, idiotic comments poured forth.

Vic started snapping at the bit.

I'm a Scorpio and we're known not just for being amazing, nymphomaniac lovers, but also for our razor-sharp tongues. I wanted to rip every person on that thread a new hole, because now they were taking it too far and now they were accusing someone that saved my fucking life! I wanted to rip this broad's throat! With my words...but still.

It just made me realize yet again how much of a protective Bitch I am and how truly ridiculous some people can be. The way the suspicions and speculations are jumping around it's like a fucking witch hunt: Oh! She wore all black so she must be a witch and she must have killed that man using witchcraft. BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

Overly dramatic? Maybe. True? Yes.

I don’t really have any deep thought to end this with. Just...remember that NO ONE is perfect. Not you, not me, not anyone. So unless someone online maliciously and intentionally deceives you, remember no one shares everything, we all save a piece of ourselves to retain a part of our privacy. You may see photos of me but you will never see photos of my real life friends or my family or loved ones and if I ever meet any of you I won't be posting our pictures online either.

Because I have developed some of the strongest relationships with people I met online and I take precautions, but I always remember that what I know from online is probably not what I will see in real life. How do I know that? I'm an adult, I don’t live in a fantasy world and, oh yeah......

I'm a Bitch.

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I'm a Selfish, Possessive, Protective Bitch

I am brutally honest with everyone.  With friends, with family, with complete strangers, but especially with myself.  I have always known that I am protective.  I'm protective of those that I love, those that I care for.  Hell, in high school, I skipped school one day to go and beat my friend Angel's boyfriend's ass because he'd punched Angel and called him "a queer spic."  I'm not sure if I was more angry at the racial slur or the crack at his sexuality (especially because this guy was OBVIOUSLY gay too), but either way I was livid and when Angel showed up at school with a black eye and told us what happened, without thinking I gathered up my boys, we climbed in Justin's car when over to this jerkoff's house and when he answered the door, I beat the ever loving shit out of him.  Don't get me wrong he got a couple of hits on me also, but I was in an abusive relationship at that point so I'd learned how to take a couple of hits (that's a whole 'nother story right there).  Anyway after that everyone called me a "Crazy Ass Bitch" at school.  I was fine with that label, because before that I was either "slut" or "bitch," but atleast with this label people thought twice about messing with my friends or my siblings.

When I got in college I realized how selfish I was.  That selfishness sort of tied into the protective thing, because whatever or whoever I had welcomed into my life, or cared about, or claimed as belonging to me, was mine and I might share with you, but if I did and you abused it, well, my protective instincts flared up and I'd have to go all ape-shit on you.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how possessive I am also.  I don't know how many times in the last few months I've heard the word "MINE!" when thinking about a friend or a family member or one of my kids from the LGBT center group.  My friend.  My sibling.  My kids.  My mother.  My Tweepling (someone that follows me on Twitter) etc.

Anyway, I know you're probably wondering what brought this rant of mine on.  A few things actually.  They switched my VA doctor and that affected the LGBT teen group that I volunteer with because I won't be able to see them as often, which made my heart and mind flared up into "MY kids!" majorly.  I had that horrible day yesterday, and then today I read a post by one of "my" boys that so infuriated me that I honestly had to take my own deep breath.

I've been told by friends that it's because I'm a Scorpio and we wear our hearts on our sleeves, so it doesn't take much for us to fall for someone, to start to care for someone and to become protective over them because of that caring.  My friend Angel says it's just because my heart is so big.  I think it's because of all that I've gone through, seen and experienced.

I've always been the one who took on the plight of "the little people."  Even in high school, while I was being bullied for being black, ugly, skinny, flat-chested, nerdy, and a slut I always hung out with the outcasts and stood up for the people being picked on.  It was so easy for me to open my heart and my life to these people, especially to "the gays", because they were usually the ones who opened their hearts and lives to me.

So, anyway (let me finish this before I go chasing that rabbit down his hole *snicker*), I realized today while I was reading this post that I am a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.  I am of the mindset that you do not hurt my friends, and if you've hurt them in the past then you ask for forgiveness now, and do it quick before I find out about it or you're going to have to deal with me and I fight with precision and skill.  The Army taught me how.

And yes, I know not too many people want someone in their life with that kind of aggression and I can assure you, I am the nicest, sweetest, "most adorable" person 99.9% of the time.  However, when someone I consider a friend, or want to consider a friend, or a brother, or a sister, or one of my kids is hurt, well then 0.01% of the time, I'm out of my wheelchair, or off of my cane and it's like I was never injured in the Army and I'm kicking ass, either physically or verbally.

I told my Marmie about my little epiphany and she just laughed and said, "Oh Vee honey, are you just realizing this?  I knew this when at the age of 5, you beat up some 10 year old boy because he pushed two other little kids down at the park.  And these two kids?  One was 8 and one was 6, both older and bigger than you.  One of them was a boy and honey, neither of them were black.  You just looked at me and said 'Marmie, that boy just did something bad,' then you stomped off over to him, hit him in the stomach and then punched him in the nose, before pushing him to the ground."  I was shocked because I swear I don't remember doing this, I asked her what she did and she said that after she got over her initial shock, I got a "whupping" (which is TOTALLY different from the "spankings" that other kids get.  If you have a black friend ask them to describe the horror of a "whupping"-LOL) for fighting.  Probably why I blocked it out.

But that's me, male, female, man, woman, boy, girl, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, cross dresser, hermaphrodite, tri-sexual, bi-curious, atheist, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hinduist, Muslim, black, white, hispanic, asian, indian, native american, it doesn't matter to me, I fall for the heart of a person.  Sometimes I can tap into that heart from just a simple "Vee, I read your profile and you seem so cool, I'd love to get to know you better!" or an offhanded "Thank you for your service" or even a deeper "You're worth replying to," but I trust my instincts and my intuition and since I have this "really big heart" that I "wear" on my "sleeve" I open my heart to people quicker, easier than most others and yes, that sets me up to have my heart broken and crushed a lot more often than others as well, but because of that, my heart heals quickly so that the next person can move right on in and once you're in, all I want to do is protect you, take care of you, make you happy and yes, be selfish, possessive and protective as hell over you, but I think it's worth it.

I have bought friends cars, performed weddings and civil ceremonies, played matchmaker, babysat, gone on road trips, helped friends find jobs, apartments, houses, flown all over the country and the world just to comfort them or to share in their joy, to be there when they perform on Broadway for the first time or to help them eat Rocky Road ice cream when they find out that their partner of the last eight years has been cheating on them and gave them AIDS.  I do these things without blinking, without hesitation, because I love and I love hard, fiercely and forever.  And I'm not saying these things to make myself seem like some amazing, superwoman, because I'm not.  I am hopelessly flawed (to quote Jo March from Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women") and I'm bold and blunt about those flaws and I can get to the point where I just take a few days and go off by myself with no word to anyone, just to have some "ME" time, but I am me.

I am a selfish, possessive, protective, loving, giving, understanding, compassionate, funny, talented, trusting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, faithful and caring....bitch.