I was supposed to write my wish list. The Top 50 things that I wanted. Then I was supposed to cut that list down to the Top 25. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 20. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 10. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 5. And then that list was supposed to become the Number 1 thing that I wished for.
When I asked him why, he told me it was a way for me to help prioritize my brain. A way to keep my mind focused and not stress over things that weren't on my list, but maybe things that were on someone else's list.
I wish I could tell you that I had my Top 50 done.
The thing is, I don't think that I've ever once sat down and thought about what I really wanted out of my life. What I really and truly wished for.
Don't get me wrong as a kid, I wrote out a Christmas List that would have knocked your socks off, but I did it for class, it was never a list I gave to my parents and it was never something that I sent to "Santa." I stopped believing in Santa when at the age of 4 I walked down the stairs and saw my parents putting the presents underneath the tree.
A lot of bad things happened to me when I was 4 and I think perhaps that that was when I stopped "wishing" for stuff. I was still a dreamer, and I still am, but in my mind dreaming is so much more different than wishing. Wishing is something that you want that requires another person, dreaming is something realistic that you can do for yourself.
When I dream, I'm usually dreaming for other people. I dreamed for my friend Katharina to get her lifetime collar and she did. I dreamed for Mama N.J.'s Christmas story to get picked up and published and it did. I dreamed for my little brother Thorny's life to be a little more peaceful and it is. I dreamed for my little brother Brad to be able to go to school full-time next semester and he is. I dreamed for my big sister Cherie to be able to get her edits done in time and she did.
I guess dreaming for me is hoping. They very much go hand in hand, so when I have a dream list, that dream list is a hope list. But a wish list to me is something that is almost like a fantasy. I would put on this list things that I "fantasized" for, things that I never truly expected to happen to me, or to be given to me or to happen for me. And for that reason I have never sat down to write out a complete wish list.
Until today.
I decided to finish the list that I'd already started and so I decided to read over the 10 things I'd already written down so that I didn't repeat myself.
I had started to write out my wish list a few weeks ago, when I first got to NY and by the time I got to #5 I realized that I had more things marked off than written down, because I realized I already had them:
4. I want to start a group home for at risk teenagers, those on drugs, those who are homeless, LGBTQ teens who have been kicked out and help them get their diplomas and degrees and have a place to stay and people who will support them.
6.
7. I want to be on the outside who I am on the inside.
8. I want to be a dad
9. I want to go to Italy
I was pretty amazed when I saw the list and then very happy when I saw how many things I'd crossed off.
I think I will sit down and finish writing out my list one day, just for shits and giggles to see what else I've already crossed off, but for right now?
My wish list makes me pretty damn happy to see.
-V.A.
