New Year's Resolution

This is probably going to be my shortest New Year's Resolution List of my life.

Why?

Because how could I possibly top this year?

I came out to my biological family, who disowned me, but I gained the awesomest family in the world.

I'm living my life as the gay man I was always supposed to be.

I got engaged to Daniel.


I moved.

I'm a published author.

I'm a bestselling published author.

I'm writing a 100K word novel.

I'm about to get my name changed.

So I only have six things I want to do next year.

1. I will publish at least 6 books by the end of the year.
2. I will marry Daniel (b/c my life will just be 100 times better when I put that wedding band on his finger)
3. I will get in shape (b/c oh my gosh if I get told that I'm "technically" 2 lbs overweight I'm going to scream)
4. I will go back to school for business, so that I can get the process started for my group home for at-risk teens.
5. I will get my name changed legally (I'm going to scream the day that happens).
6. I will become the best version of myself that I can be. The best writer. The best younger brother. The best older brother. The best uncle. The best son. The best husband. The best future dad in the world.

Anything else is just extra, but I'm resolving that at the end of 2012 I'll be telling you that I have accomplished all six of those things.

It's going to happen.

I hope you all have a great New Year's and that all of your resolutions are attainable and that this upcoming year is the greatest one you've ever had and that it only improves for you.

To love, to life, to family, to growth, to healing, to understanding, to compassion, to tolerance, to faith, to peace...

To hope.

Hugz, Squeezes and Fist Bumpz.

Happy New Year's All!!

-Vicktor Aleksandr B.

P.S. Daniel baby, you're perfect for me, even if you're not "perfect" yourself. You make me long to be a better man, the best man, for you. I love waking up and knowing that I have you to look forward to. Je t'aime mon amour. Te amo mucho. Te quiero. Tu es mi corazon. Lovdorish you Dangelina. Love Always, Forever, Together, and Never-Ending. Your BradVic

Self-Preservation: Running Away to Hide

I'm going into hiding.

Why?

It's a matter of self-preservation.

As fucked up as it sounds, too much good stuff has happened to me.

I've got three moms, nine sisters, three aunts, five brothers, two cousins, an awesome Nieceling, nephrews and a dad.

All of whom support and encourage me. All of whom love me.

Unconditionally.

Then there's Daniel, the fiance'.

A man who only sees me. He only sees Vic and it's refreshing and amazing and every time I think of him or talk to him, I can't stop smiling. He loves me and supports me, makes me laugh, and is one of the biggest reasons why I keep pushing forward, keep breathing, and why I've started singing again.

And then there's my writing.

Many of you were here when I started writing Unthinkable. You pestered me about writing more, you encouraged me, you asked me about the characters, you pointed out things to me. Thorny was the one who told me that I should make writing my new career and while his presence in the book was not widely appreciated by all, when someone saves your life twice, you thank them, very publicly. Suzi, who was determined to have me keep writing until the book was finished and equally determined for me to write Tommy's story, gave me the push that I needed to keep going. Kat, Luci, Lucy/Kat, CJ, Matt, Brad and Becky who were always my cheerleaders in the background were, a lot of times, my audience.

So when I decided to self-pub Unthinkable, I did it for you all. Then people started buying it. Then people started buying Inconceivable, and this thing, this impossible dream that I'd had for myself, this goal that you all told me to reach for, was right there. I was a writer. I was an author, and I absolutely couldn't believe it.

Then I started meeting other authors and then on Goodreads I started getting "fans" and then more and more people were adding my book to their TBR list. Then one of my big sisters, Cherie, told me about my book going up on ARe (All Romance Ebooks) and I did and within 24 hours, I'd sold more than I had any other time. Then days went by and I saw that Unthinkable and Inconceivable were shooting up into the hundreds and all of this time I'm writing A Very Tate Christmas, sort of secretly, because I wanted to surprise all of you. And that's when I got the IM from Daniel:

":O Your book Unthinkable is #9 on the ARe Bestseller list."


To be honest, I thought maybe he was reading it wrong. I was already shocked that it had gotten bestseller status in certain genres but he was making it seem as if it was the main list. I mentioned it to Cherie, who wisely went to look it up, knowing that I wouldn't do it. When she told me it was true, I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me that I'd been "Punk'd" by the very people that were hating on me just months ago.

But Ashton never appeared and my big sis Tay-Tay told me to enjoy my way to the top.

I thought that she was just being her usual loving, big sister self. Because my big sisters are awesome and they love their "baby bro," and I thought she was just being encouraging.

Cherie told me that my book would keep rising.

In my head I thought she was full of shit.

Why were people buying my stuff? This story that I'd written for my online blog friends and online blog family. Why were they interested in these shape shifting cowboys and their mates? I was floored and so overwhelmed that I went to bed before 4am this morning and still woke up at 8.

I only do that when I'm sick or I'm crashing.

So when I woke up and saw a "Wow. Congratz Vic! "Unthinkable" is now #5 on the ARe Bestseller List." I knew then that I needed to go into hiding. Not from writing, but to get my head around the fact that people actually want to read my stuff. That they want to actually buy my stuff and read it.

These same people turn around and buy Inconceivable and find me on GR, Facebook, Twitter, email me and tell me how much they liked or loved my books. And I am floored. I am shocked, amazed and so overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement that I have to go hide myself somewhere, be alone and wrap my head around the fact that good things are happening to me.

That good things keep happening to me.

That I didn't come out and then my world was destroyed.

But that I came out. Admitted the truth that I'd been fighting since I was a kid. Stood up for me, something I don't think I've ever done. Told those in my life to (in the words of Mary J. Blige) "Take me as I am or have nothing at all." I moved. I left the comfort and safety of conforming, of denying and repressing, and I stepped out into the light of truth and acceptance and support  and encouragement and oh-my-gosh-is-this-happiness and found out how beautiful it is.

I began healing. I kept writing. I gained more friends, more family, found the love of my life, my soul's mate and kept writing. And wow, people keep buying.

I am amazed. I am overwhelmed. I am so unbelievably grateful. You all who have stuck with me through it all. You all that have joined "The Vickster" maybe a little later on down the tracks but you're on this ride, holding on just as tight as those who were here at the beginning. Even those of you who threw rocks and paint and bombs, grenades, shot bullets at "The Vickster" and never apologized when you saw that your assault was in an area that had already been assaulted or even those of you who assaulted "The Vickster" and continue to keep assaulting "The Vickster," I am thankful to all of you. Because of you, I'm here. I'm stronger. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

So, yes, as a matter of self-preservation so I don't "self-sabotage" myself, as I've been known to do when good things start happening, I'm going to go and hide in my Purple Fantasy Den and regroup and then come out (LOL-or rather return) and still be myself.

And keep writing.

So thank you all. Your support is invaluable to me.


Sincerely,

Vicktor Aleksandr B.

My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I know that I'm 28 and really I shouldn't be writing you a Christmas list, but seeing as how I stopped writing you when I was 4, I figure I'm due a few letters.

My list isn't long or the items on it too difficult to get, but if you could get them all here by Christmas Day, I'd appreciate it, especially since I celebrate Hanukkah as well and I'm giving you five extra days to get this stuff together.

1. I'd really like a Kindle Fire. And yes, I know that my other Kindle "mysteriously broke." But I promise to take better care of this one.

2. I'd really love to spend Christmas with Daniel, so if you could get him here or me there, that would be awesome.

3. I want the biologicals to have a good Christmas. They may be sucky to me, but they still deserve a happy Christmas.

4. I want my biological little brother to be able to come home for Christmas or to see his son for Christmas. It'd be great if you could give him both.

5. I want Cherie and the Nieceling to have an awesome Christmas. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me, but if you could give them an awesome Christmas that would rock.

6. I want everyone in my new family to have an amazing Christmas. Filled with love and good food, and laughter and joy and singing. They are some of the greatest people I know and they only deserve great things.

7. I'd really love it if you could help all of the homeless teens out there find a way to a shelter so that they can eat and maybe even find a place to sleep.

8. Is it wrong that I want Rick Perry and the transphobic doctor to get boils on their ass? It is isn't it. So I'll use this number to instead ask for justice around the world and that maybe for one day, people will love instead of hate, be compassionate instead of judgmental and not stick their collective foot in their idiotic mouth.

9. Will you please let it snow here in Buffalo. I've been signing "White Christmas" since I was a kid, I'd love it if I could have it.

10. As you know, the ex-boyfriend burned and ruined all of my "tools and toys." So if you could give me back a black duffle filled with all of the BDSM, strap-ons, binders, packers, shoes, condoms, clothes and lube that he destroyed, that would be awesome.

11. And finally, I'd love it if you could help me stop waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I know I'm surrounded by love and support but I keep waiting for it to all be snatched away, maybe you can give me a sign that I am truly loved and no one's going to let the fact that I'm black, transgender, not the most gorgeous thing in the world, gay, and a sometimes practicing Messianic Jew, stop them from loving me. I think giving me one of the items on this list would be a very good start.

Thank you so much Santa. And next year, I promise my list will only have 3 items on there.

Okay, maybe 4.

Sincerely,

Vicktor Aleksandr B

"Has He Seen You?"

I love well-meaning people sometimes.

Sometimes they make you think about something that you never considered before.

A well-meaning person asked me if I was transgender.

A well-meaning person asked me if I was a Dom.

A well-meaning person asked me if I needed to move away from Florida.

A well-meaning person asked me if I wanted to sing more than I wanted to act.

A well-meaning person told me that I should make writing my career.

A well-meaning person told me that I should follow my instincts and my feelings and pursue Daniel.


Sometimes they make you want to either cause yourself physical harm...or them.

A "well-meaning" person got on a thread in a group and grilled and interrogated me in an effort to "understand" and then didn't care that I was so hurt and traumatized I lay around in a daze for two weeks following that.

A "well-meaning" person contacted the biologicals to tell them who I was living with when I was still in Florida and that lead to my "exorcism."

A "well-meaning" person called to tell me about what my biologicals was doing with my stuff and my puppy, even though they knew I'd just gotten out of the hospital for costochondritis and didn't need to be stressed.

A "well-meaning" person said that at this "point" in my life that Daniel was too good for me and that I should let him find someone else.

A "well-meaning" person slandered and insulted a family (new family) member of mine, to my "face" (it online) and tried to tell me that they were doing it for my "own good."

But here's the clencher:

A friend of mine, R, that I've known since freshman year of high school asked me if I was sure that Daniel had seen a picture of me and if I was positive that Daniel knew I was trans*, because while he wasn't "saying" that I was "ugly", he was saying that I "look like a chick" and "isn't Daniel gay?"

I don't know if it's because I was tired and when I'm tired I always tend to be a little more sensitive in certain areas, I don't know if it's because I've always been a little "touchy" about my looks, or if it's the fact that when it comes to being with a gay man when I'm transitioning is already something I'm so emotionally exposed about, but when R said this, I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach. So much so that I for a moment started to think that maybe he was right.

Only for a moment, because just like that I remembered conversations, tweets, blog posts, candid, private IMs where Daniel and I talked about everything.

And while I'm not 100% right now, I'm not the 10% mass of insecurity I was just over two hours ago.

So when it comes to well-meaning people, take their advice and their statements with one hand on your shield to deflect the bullshit and one hand ready to receive the good stuff.

Then you won't have to spend 2 hours on Youtube watching videos of Lucas Teague to cheer you up when you could be sleeping.


-Vicktor Aleksandr

Vicktor's Wish List

My therapist in Florida gave me a homework assignment before I left.

I was supposed to write my wish list. The Top 50 things that I wanted. Then I was supposed to cut that list down to the Top 25. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 20. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 10. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 5. And then that list was supposed to become the Number 1 thing that I wished for.

When I asked him why, he told me it was a way for me to help prioritize my brain. A way to keep my mind focused and not stress over things that weren't on my list, but maybe things that were on someone else's list.

I wish I could tell you that I had my Top 50 done.

The thing is, I don't think that I've ever once sat down and thought about what I really wanted out of my life. What I really and truly wished for.

Don't get me wrong as a kid, I wrote out a Christmas List that would have knocked your socks off, but I did it for class, it was never a list I gave to my parents and it was never something that I sent to "Santa." I stopped believing in Santa when at the age of 4 I walked down the stairs and saw my parents putting the presents underneath the tree.

A lot of bad things happened to me when I was 4 and I think perhaps that that was when I stopped "wishing" for stuff. I was still a dreamer, and I still am, but in my mind dreaming is so much more different than wishing. Wishing is something that you want that requires another person, dreaming is something realistic that you can do for yourself.

When I dream, I'm usually dreaming for other people. I dreamed for my friend Katharina to get her lifetime collar and she did. I dreamed for Mama N.J.'s Christmas story to get picked up and published and it did. I dreamed for my little brother Thorny's life to be a little more peaceful and it is. I dreamed for my little brother Brad to be able to go to school full-time next semester and he is. I dreamed for my big sister Cherie to be able to get her edits done in time and she did.

I guess dreaming for me is hoping. They very much go hand in hand, so when I have a dream list, that dream list is a hope list. But a wish list to me is something that is almost like a fantasy. I would put on this list things that I "fantasized" for, things that I never truly expected to happen to me, or to be given to me or to happen for me. And for that reason I have never sat down to write out a complete wish list.

Until today.

I decided to finish the list that I'd already started and so I decided to read over the 10 things I'd already written down so that I didn't repeat myself.

I had started to write out my wish list a few weeks ago, when I first got to NY and by the time I got to #5 I realized that I had more things marked off than written down, because I realized I already had them:

1. I want a dad, one who cares about me and is proud of me and claims me in front of others.
2. I want a family who cares about me and supports me and protects me
3. I want a career that I can be proud of.
4. I want to start a group home for at risk teenagers, those on drugs, those who are homeless, LGBTQ teens who have been kicked out and help them get their diplomas and degrees and have a place to stay and people who will support them.
5. I want to have someone that's mine. Someone I care about who cares about me, like a partner or a sub (probably both, knowing me). Someone that I can claim in front of everyone that belongs to me (gosh I sound like a selfish, possessive bastard).
6. I want to be able to spend my days writing, saving the world and having lots of mansex
7. I want to be on the outside who I am on the inside.
8. I want to be a dad
9. I want to go to Italy
10. I want to go one week without crying myself to sleep.


I was pretty amazed when I saw the list and then very happy when I saw how many things I'd crossed off.

I think I will sit down and finish writing out my list one day, just for shits and giggles to see what else I've already crossed off, but for right now?

My wish list makes me pretty damn happy to see.


-V.A.

I'm So Thankful

Last year I celebrated Thanksgiving in San Diego, California with a family who took me in for a week so that I wouldn't be without family and so that I wouldn't be homeless.

Sound familiar?

But last year, even though I laughed and smiled and ate so much that I'm STILL trying to lose all the weight that I gained I was still miserable.  I was still depressed and I was still considering suicide.

Because I was living my life as a woman, even though I wore a strap on everywhere I went.  It was also because that Saturday I was heading back to Florida to be with my biological family again and the prospect of that was beyond horrific to me.

Three years before that in 2007, I was the guardian of a young girl, whom I affectionately called "Chipmunk" and was thankful for her.  But still, something was missing.

The year before that I was barely conscious, barely sober, because I'd lost my fiance' and our unborn child within months of each other.  One to brain cancer and the other to a miscarriage.  Thanksgiving 2006 is not one that I remember.

But this year, even though there's a perpetual lump in my throat because this is the first year that I'm celebrating Thanksgiving as Vicktor Aleksandr B. (Thought you were going to get the full name didn't you? LOL)

This is the first year when I have an actual family.

This is the first year that I have a father who is proud of me and who supports me. Someone who was actually honored that I asked him to be my dad and someone who told me that he was determined to be a real father to me (and people think he can be "skeery" so I wouldn't dare tell him that his son is an abomination-it's only in your best interest).

This is the first year that I have not one, but THREE mothers who support me and encourage me and give me hugs (even if they are virtual) and who are fiercely protective and loving of me (try saying something bad about me to them-I dare you).

This is the first year that I have an awesome older brother who cares about me and worries about me and who can totally teach me about how to be an awesome gay man, but more than that he can totally teach me about how to be an awesome human being (but he can be very blunt and fierce too, so I could totally see myself saying: "I'm going to tell my big brother on you!").

This is the first year that I have EIGHT older sisters, all of whom are awesome and beautiful and talented and strong and future world changers (and would totally rip you a new one if you hurt or talked bad about their baby brother-I actually like being referred to as their baby brother and have no problem with hiding behind them and pointing people out to them and saying: "It was them Big Sister!").  They not only help me to be a better writer, but they are determined to see me be me, be who I really am and are determined to not see me hurt.

This is the first year that I have a younger sister and THREE younger brothers who all make me smile and who love me and who amazingly think I'm cool (and don't you dare tell them differently-I like them thinking that I'm awesome) and who make sure that they tell me all the time how much they love me and how honored they are to be a part of my family.

This is the first year that I have two of the coolest aunts ever born on Earth who make me laugh, threaten to turn me over to a Star Wars "mob" because I've never seen the movies, and who have no qualms about talking to me about sex while simultaneously watching over me to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and writing blogs about me to tell others how much they support me.

This is the first year that I have a host of friends who are supportive and encouraging of me, not the image that I'm forced to project.

This is the first year that I have a Nieceling and Nephrews who all think I'm cool and brave and awesome and who will even go to bat for their "Uncle Vic" because "he's the bravest man that I know and that's what he is, he's a man and yeah he's a man that likes men, and you may not see the man he is just yet, but he's still a man" (the Nieceling).

This is the first year that I have someone who knows who I am and still finds me sexy and doesn't see anyone other than Vic.

This is the first year that I'm a published writer.

This is the first year that I go to sleep and wake up in a house full of love and support.

This is the first year that I am on the right track to becoming on the outside the way I've always been on the inside.

This is the first year that I can say that I'm truly thankful for my life and my family and know that it's not just lip service, but that I really and truly mean it.

I am so thankful.  So completely and unbelievably thankful for so much that's it's clogging my throat and filling my eyes with some sort of strange moisture.

I will not think about all the things in my life that could be better, because that would be so easy and honestly, a total waste of time, but, I will focus on the things that are so amazing in my life, the things that make me smile throughout the day, the people who enrich my life and make stand up taller, square back my shoulders and let people know who I am and that I'm not ashamed of that.

This is, for me, truly, my first and so far, my best, Thanksgiving ever.


Have a Great and Happy Thanksgiving Day All!!!

-V. A. B.

I'm Not a Backup Singer

Tonight we went to a service for Transgender Day of Remembrance and I must admit I was all for it until we walked into the building.  I was surrounded by transmen, transwomen, transpeople and all I could think was "If someone wanted to take out a bunch of trans* people, this would be the best time to do it."

I'm not usually so morbid or so pessimistic, but that has been my headspace for the last few days.  I have been struggling, not so much with my gender identity or my sexuality but just with myself, in general.  You see, I have a hard time seeing what other people see.  When someone tells me how gorgeous I am, how sweet I am, how sexy, I smile and say thank you but I don't see it.  When someone says that they enjoy me, I don't see it.

When someone says that they want to adopt me, I believe them for like...a day, but I'm always waiting for the novelty to wear off, for the other shoe to drop, for them to realize that they made a huge, fucking mistake.

Because you know, my biological family, people who are supposed to be predisposed to love and care about me, to support me, to want me, tossed me aside because I didn't conform to their ideals and morals and doesn't that mean that there's something wrong with me?  

If people who are supposed to be supporting me then turn around and attack me and others like me, doesn't that mean that there's something wrong with me?  With us?  That we're wrong?

I sat there listening to all of these statistics and hearing that as a "transman of color" I am more likely to be attacked or killed and I'll be honest, I got scared and started wondering if it was worth it.  I get this nervous twitch when I'm about to bolt, my leg starts to bounce, my eyes dart around the room (because I'm looking for an escape) and I start scratching the hell out of an arm or hand.  I was about to make the world's quickest getaway, without my cane, without my shit...without my adopted Big Sister and The Nieceling who had both come with me.  I was going to get the hell out of there because I felt too exposed, too fucking raw, too fucking emotional.  I was wrong, everyone else was right, the biologicals, the hateful people, they were all right about me, I needed to go, I needed to get out.  I could feel my heart speeding up, I could feel Cherie's eyes on me, I could tell that she knew I was about to bolt, but I didn't care.  I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to rage against God, against Allah, against the fucking elements and against my fucking biological parents for ever having sex and making me.  It was their fault!  I'm a screwed up mess, fucked, damned beyond all belief because of them.  I felt, in that moment, that I had signed my death warrant the day that I admitted that I was a black transgender male homosexual.  I was dead, I was toast, my birth mother was right, I was going to be torn apart and ripped to shreds because I'm a fucking mistake.  I started to think about, to consider, going back and being "Vee" again.  I could stop being Vicktor and go back to being Veronica.  I could do it.  I could.  I could push the real me aside, my true feelings and emotions, who I truly am on the inside, and be the woman that the world saw.  A woman who had a man inside of her desperately screaming and clawing to get out, fighting to breathe, fighting to stay alive.

I could go back to being a woman and slice my wrists within 24 hours.

Because sitting there I knew that if I did that, if I went back to living a lie, to denying my truth to please other people, out of fear of being attacked or being killed...I knew that if I turned my back on all the strides I'd made, I'd kill myself.  It's humbling, it's frightening to know that about yourself.  And then one of the people there, the musician, Lydia (a transwoman) said: "We cannot be backup singers in our own lives."  It was amazing and powerful and just what I needed to hear.

I've been struggling with not being too annoying to people (it's why I haven't blogged in a while, why I don't comment as much anymore, why I don't tweet as much as I used to...why I'm so godsdamn afraid to talk to my adopted father or my adopted big brother or some of my adopted big sisters) because I didn't want to lose the only people that are supporting me and lose this family that I have now, and so I've been not really talking too much and not really getting involved or commenting as much.  Because that's a very real fear of mine, that one morning all of you will wake up and realize that I'm just not worth it.  But tonight as I sat there in this memorial service hearing about the number of people who are killed just for being themselves, the people who had the courage to live their truths, I realized that even if I drive all of you away (*biting lower lip*) because I need a little more reassurance right now, because I need the emails and the phone calls and the hugs and the public acknowledgments and the comments and even the tweets and the mentions in a group or on Facebook, to let me know that I'm not an abomination or a mistake or something to be ashamed of, I had to have the guts and the courage to stand up and live my life, to live my truth, regardless.  You know?

Because I am NOT a backup singer in my own life.  I refuse to be.  And if that makes me a target, then bring it on, because you know what?  I got the title of expert marksman in the Army and they don't call me "The Dom" for nothing, I am a force to be reckoned with, once I realize what I want to stand for and I've decided, finally, to stand for myself.  It's time for me, for Vicktor, to stand up and be heard and let people know that:

NO I am NOT an abomination!  NO I am NOT a mistake!  NO I have not gotten it wrong!  YES, I am here!  YES, I DO exist!  And NO.  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I AM NOT GOING TO GO AWAY!

Don't like it?  Well too damn bad for you.

-Vicktor A. Bailey

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better

*Short post for me-I know, I know. Gasp and all that*

Yesterday was the greatest birthday I ever had.  Not because I got presents (although have authors in my family meant that I got free books for my birthday yesterday-free books and gift cards for...you guessed it, free books! LOL), not even because of the AMOUNT of people that wished me "Happy Birthday" and it was amazing to me.  But because of the amount of love and support and encouragement from my family.

It was amazing.

My homemade lasagna and homemade birthday cake were "slap your Mama" good (I'm putting up pictures-don't worry) and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me almost made me cry.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the one thing that I wanted.  The one important relationship that I've craved since I realized at the age of 4 that the one I had was corrupt and evil and wrong, I got in spades.

I got a dad for my birthday yesterday.

Doesn't that sound like a book?  "A Daddy for Vic."  (Yep, I totally think I'm going to write that)

Anyway.  I asked someone that I have long admired and someone who (in the back of my mind I've held in the fantasy position of friend and father-anyway) has recently shown such amazing courage and strength to fill the role of father to me.  I'll be honest, I expected a "Thank you but no thanks" from him or an "I'm flattered but I don't feel comfortable with that."  I got an "I'm honored that you asked and I'm honored to accept."

Yeah, I cried.

Then today, an amazing "day after" my birthday, he listed me as his son.

That's right, his son.

I almost cried again.

I recently told someone that yes I think that my life is turning around for the better.  Not just because I'm living my truth and I believe that the universe, the gods, God, Allah, Krishnu, whomever you serve, honors you and blesses you when you're living your truth, but because now when life throws crap and heartache my way (and bad things will happen, it's life people, I don't live in delusions....except where it concerns John Barrowman and Shemar Moore-*shiver of delight*), I'll have people to help me back up.  I have people who are standing in front of me and taking the brunt of the hit.

I have have a dad, moms, older brothers and sisters, younger brothers and sisters, a Nieceling and Nephrew who are surrounding me and loving me and supporting me and telling life and the hatred and the discrimination and the transphobics and the homophobics and the racists and the hellish and shittiest aspects of life that they can't have me, that they can't get to me.

I've always been the warrior, the one who protected those that I cared about, it's so nice to have people to do that for me (even if I protest that I need it).

And honestly, that's the greatest present that I got yesterday.


{HUGZ, SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vic

ETA: I FORGOT the pictures!!  LOL.  Here they are:

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I turned 28 today.

I feel like I'm turning 16.

Why?

Because this is the first year where I'm having a celebration as myself.  As Vic.  The first time since I was 15 that I'm not an afterthought or forgotten or where my birthday is having to take a backseat to someone else's celebration.

This is the first year that I feel really and truly loved and supported and it's an amazing thing.

Even in the midst of all of the hell and drama and turmoil that is currently rocking the online M/M community (which I will not discuss), I am surrounded by family.  The family of my choosing.  A family that knows me, supports me anyway, and encourages me to continue to live my truth.

A family where every member wrote to me ahead of time to either wish me Happy Birthday ahead of time, to ask me what I wanted for my birthday (what?! You mean you WANT to give me a present?!), to tell me how proud of me they are, how much they support me and how they want me to keep pushing forward and how they would do anything for me.

This is the first year that I'm not having to force myself or remind myself that I have to be a "girl" in order to please my family.  This is the first year that I won't be calling my friends to come and take me out so I can self-medicate with alcohol over the fact that I had to force myself to be a girl all day long.  This is the first year, of many years to come, where the smile on my face will be genuine and I'll be surrounded by love and affection and support.

This year is the first year, the first birthday, of the rest of my life and it is delicious.

I couldn't ask for a better family if I tried.

So to my mothers:
            Stephani Hecht
            Pati
            NJ Nielsen
To my older brothers:
            Damon Suede
             Brendan (Sid)
To my older sisters:
            MJ O'Shea
            Piper Vaughn
            Cherie Noel
            Taylor Donovan
            Katharina
            LC Chase
            Heidi Cullinan
            Xara X Xanakas
To my younger brothers:
            Thorny-TTBB (and his Jazz)
            Matty
            Brad
To the awesomest Nieceling and Nephrew ever!
To my younger sister:
            Lucy/Kat
To my aunts:
            Embry Carlysle
            Anne Tenino
And to countless friends and supporters and my special English sweethearts:
            Bryl Tyne
            DC Juris
            Daniel Kaine
            Thomas
            Ellis Carrington
            Devon Rhodes
            Gabrielle Evans
            Joyee Flynn
            TA Chase
            Stormy Glenn
            Ethan Day
            Shae Connor
            Samantha
            Luci
            Patty
           Veronica
           Perpetua
           Tj
           Archie
           Kerstin
           Aleksandr
And anyone else that I forgot:


 Thank You All So Much! You are the GREATEST Family a gay boy like me could ever ask for!


Sincerely,


Vic

Hanging Out With the Nieceling

So yesterday I hung out with my new "nieceling".  That is my adopted big sister's daughter.

My family is awesome.

So anyway, yesterday I totally hung out with "The Nieceling". We played Monopoly City, where she almost beat me, but I ended up winning in the end (Yay for Vic!).  Say what you will.  She's 12 and she beat me in UNO the night before...twice.

So after we played Monopoly City we watched Nanny McPhee returns and cooked together.

It was super fun.

I gave her a recipe for steak and then supervised her as she cooked them.  Then she made salad to go with it.

The steak was so good that her mom and I couldn't stop gushing over how good it was.

It totally made her day.

By the time we all went to bed, or at least headed off in that direction, she was beaming and felt so proud of herself and we both were very proud of her.

And before she went to bed she looks at me and said, "Thank you Uncle Vic."

I almost cried.

So this morning we're having waffles and hanging out again and all I can keep thinking is how thankful I am for my new family.  Because to them I am "Little Brother Vic" or "Big Brother Vic" or "Son Vic" or (most touching of all) "Uncle Vic" and that makes MY day.