Self-Preservation: Running Away to Hide

I'm going into hiding.

Why?

It's a matter of self-preservation.

As fucked up as it sounds, too much good stuff has happened to me.

I've got three moms, nine sisters, three aunts, five brothers, two cousins, an awesome Nieceling, nephrews and a dad.

All of whom support and encourage me. All of whom love me.

Unconditionally.

Then there's Daniel, the fiance'.

A man who only sees me. He only sees Vic and it's refreshing and amazing and every time I think of him or talk to him, I can't stop smiling. He loves me and supports me, makes me laugh, and is one of the biggest reasons why I keep pushing forward, keep breathing, and why I've started singing again.

And then there's my writing.

Many of you were here when I started writing Unthinkable. You pestered me about writing more, you encouraged me, you asked me about the characters, you pointed out things to me. Thorny was the one who told me that I should make writing my new career and while his presence in the book was not widely appreciated by all, when someone saves your life twice, you thank them, very publicly. Suzi, who was determined to have me keep writing until the book was finished and equally determined for me to write Tommy's story, gave me the push that I needed to keep going. Kat, Luci, Lucy/Kat, CJ, Matt, Brad and Becky who were always my cheerleaders in the background were, a lot of times, my audience.

So when I decided to self-pub Unthinkable, I did it for you all. Then people started buying it. Then people started buying Inconceivable, and this thing, this impossible dream that I'd had for myself, this goal that you all told me to reach for, was right there. I was a writer. I was an author, and I absolutely couldn't believe it.

Then I started meeting other authors and then on Goodreads I started getting "fans" and then more and more people were adding my book to their TBR list. Then one of my big sisters, Cherie, told me about my book going up on ARe (All Romance Ebooks) and I did and within 24 hours, I'd sold more than I had any other time. Then days went by and I saw that Unthinkable and Inconceivable were shooting up into the hundreds and all of this time I'm writing A Very Tate Christmas, sort of secretly, because I wanted to surprise all of you. And that's when I got the IM from Daniel:

":O Your book Unthinkable is #9 on the ARe Bestseller list."


To be honest, I thought maybe he was reading it wrong. I was already shocked that it had gotten bestseller status in certain genres but he was making it seem as if it was the main list. I mentioned it to Cherie, who wisely went to look it up, knowing that I wouldn't do it. When she told me it was true, I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me that I'd been "Punk'd" by the very people that were hating on me just months ago.

But Ashton never appeared and my big sis Tay-Tay told me to enjoy my way to the top.

I thought that she was just being her usual loving, big sister self. Because my big sisters are awesome and they love their "baby bro," and I thought she was just being encouraging.

Cherie told me that my book would keep rising.

In my head I thought she was full of shit.

Why were people buying my stuff? This story that I'd written for my online blog friends and online blog family. Why were they interested in these shape shifting cowboys and their mates? I was floored and so overwhelmed that I went to bed before 4am this morning and still woke up at 8.

I only do that when I'm sick or I'm crashing.

So when I woke up and saw a "Wow. Congratz Vic! "Unthinkable" is now #5 on the ARe Bestseller List." I knew then that I needed to go into hiding. Not from writing, but to get my head around the fact that people actually want to read my stuff. That they want to actually buy my stuff and read it.

These same people turn around and buy Inconceivable and find me on GR, Facebook, Twitter, email me and tell me how much they liked or loved my books. And I am floored. I am shocked, amazed and so overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement that I have to go hide myself somewhere, be alone and wrap my head around the fact that good things are happening to me.

That good things keep happening to me.

That I didn't come out and then my world was destroyed.

But that I came out. Admitted the truth that I'd been fighting since I was a kid. Stood up for me, something I don't think I've ever done. Told those in my life to (in the words of Mary J. Blige) "Take me as I am or have nothing at all." I moved. I left the comfort and safety of conforming, of denying and repressing, and I stepped out into the light of truth and acceptance and support  and encouragement and oh-my-gosh-is-this-happiness and found out how beautiful it is.

I began healing. I kept writing. I gained more friends, more family, found the love of my life, my soul's mate and kept writing. And wow, people keep buying.

I am amazed. I am overwhelmed. I am so unbelievably grateful. You all who have stuck with me through it all. You all that have joined "The Vickster" maybe a little later on down the tracks but you're on this ride, holding on just as tight as those who were here at the beginning. Even those of you who threw rocks and paint and bombs, grenades, shot bullets at "The Vickster" and never apologized when you saw that your assault was in an area that had already been assaulted or even those of you who assaulted "The Vickster" and continue to keep assaulting "The Vickster," I am thankful to all of you. Because of you, I'm here. I'm stronger. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

So, yes, as a matter of self-preservation so I don't "self-sabotage" myself, as I've been known to do when good things start happening, I'm going to go and hide in my Purple Fantasy Den and regroup and then come out (LOL-or rather return) and still be myself.

And keep writing.

So thank you all. Your support is invaluable to me.


Sincerely,

Vicktor Aleksandr B.

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better

*Short post for me-I know, I know. Gasp and all that*

Yesterday was the greatest birthday I ever had.  Not because I got presents (although have authors in my family meant that I got free books for my birthday yesterday-free books and gift cards for...you guessed it, free books! LOL), not even because of the AMOUNT of people that wished me "Happy Birthday" and it was amazing to me.  But because of the amount of love and support and encouragement from my family.

It was amazing.

My homemade lasagna and homemade birthday cake were "slap your Mama" good (I'm putting up pictures-don't worry) and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me almost made me cry.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the one thing that I wanted.  The one important relationship that I've craved since I realized at the age of 4 that the one I had was corrupt and evil and wrong, I got in spades.

I got a dad for my birthday yesterday.

Doesn't that sound like a book?  "A Daddy for Vic."  (Yep, I totally think I'm going to write that)

Anyway.  I asked someone that I have long admired and someone who (in the back of my mind I've held in the fantasy position of friend and father-anyway) has recently shown such amazing courage and strength to fill the role of father to me.  I'll be honest, I expected a "Thank you but no thanks" from him or an "I'm flattered but I don't feel comfortable with that."  I got an "I'm honored that you asked and I'm honored to accept."

Yeah, I cried.

Then today, an amazing "day after" my birthday, he listed me as his son.

That's right, his son.

I almost cried again.

I recently told someone that yes I think that my life is turning around for the better.  Not just because I'm living my truth and I believe that the universe, the gods, God, Allah, Krishnu, whomever you serve, honors you and blesses you when you're living your truth, but because now when life throws crap and heartache my way (and bad things will happen, it's life people, I don't live in delusions....except where it concerns John Barrowman and Shemar Moore-*shiver of delight*), I'll have people to help me back up.  I have people who are standing in front of me and taking the brunt of the hit.

I have have a dad, moms, older brothers and sisters, younger brothers and sisters, a Nieceling and Nephrew who are surrounding me and loving me and supporting me and telling life and the hatred and the discrimination and the transphobics and the homophobics and the racists and the hellish and shittiest aspects of life that they can't have me, that they can't get to me.

I've always been the warrior, the one who protected those that I cared about, it's so nice to have people to do that for me (even if I protest that I need it).

And honestly, that's the greatest present that I got yesterday.


{HUGZ, SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vic

ETA: I FORGOT the pictures!!  LOL.  Here they are: