Love Across The Big Pond #5: It's Getting Harder

Dear Daniel,

It's getting harder to say goodnight to you. Goodnight really means good-bye. It means that you're going to be over in England and I have hours before I inevitably give into the urge to sleep myself.

It means that you're not here.

And each time, my fingers hesitate over the keys. Each time I have to say goodnight to you, tell you to go to bed, because I know that you'll try to stay up reading or writing or playing games for as long as you can unless I make you go to bed, each time I have to do that, I feel another piece of my heart break. You aren't here. I'm not there. We should be together so that when it's bed time, we're going there...together.

The Alpha wolf inside of me is pacing back and forth angrily, he wants his mate, his other half. He wants to claim what's his, mark it and keep it by his side.

It's what I want as well.

But I have to press the keys that say goodnight. Press the keys and hope that they convey to you how much I love you, hope that you can feel even a fraction of how much my heart beats for you. You are my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. And saying goodnight to you, when you're not in my arms is getting harder and harder to do. But I'll keep doing it because I'd rather deal with the ache in my chest, the temporary emptiness in my arms, the longing for you that I feel every day, every hour, every minute, if it means that in 8 weeks, I get to make up for loss time.

I get two weeks of heaven with you, two weeks of bliss and love and complete surrender to the overwhelming surge of powerful emotion that I have for you. And yes, you're leaving again after that and we'll have a few more months of IMs, emails, tweets, letters, cards, gifts, texts, Skypes until we see each other again, but it's worth it. Those two weeks will get me through those next few months.

Because I'd rather miss you and know that you're mine than give you up and never truly feel like I can breathe again.

So yes, I miss you and yes it's getting harder to say goodnight, but soon, love, very soon, when I say goodnight, you'll be in my arms where you're supposed to be.


Lovdorish you always and forever.



Love,

Vic

You

(It's been a while since I've written a poem, because they never flow easily, they never rhyme and my teachers always hated them...all except one. Dr. Thompson told me that my poetry was like watching me perform open heart surgery right in front of her. Seeing, smelling and watching the blood flow from my chest and then watching me stitch myself back up and continue living. It was graphic, but she was a literature professor.
All I know is that I put my thoughts to paper, or to screen as I've done here. It's usually one thought, one line, one word, one picture that grips me and propels me forward. This time I got all four. 


One thought: I can't see us ending


One line: I imagine my future and he's always there


One word: You


One picture: His


And from that, this.....poem...this long, drawn out thought arose and bombarded me and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it, so I did. Enjoy!)

You

At the beginning of every relationship I've had
I've seen the ending of them
I've seen that moment when they're no longer in my life
And I've seen myself smiling and happy without them
But from the moment I confessed my feelings for you
Things have been totally different
I can't see our ending
That moment when you're no longer around
I imagine my future and you're always there
I think about myself in 5 years, 10 years, 30 or more
And always I see your face.

I thought that my soul mate had left this world and me behind
Left to wander and grasp at scraps of emotion and feeling
In my despair I never thought to breathe refreshing air again
I thought that my heart remained in my chest, but no longer beat
I imagined myself as a broken shell of a human being
No warmth, no life, nothing but vapor

But then I met you.

And like a tidal wave of air you rushed into my life
And I took my first gulping breath of air
And I could feel the prickling sensations of life returning to my body
I could feel the grief again, the fear, the anger, the sadness
I could feel the hope, the longing, the yearning, the happiness
I could feel love again
True love
The kind that doesn't play by society's rules but makes its own
The kind that knocks those affected by it on their asses and laughs
The kind that people write about
The kind that people sing about
The kind that seems to last

And I felt the fear that I was feeling this
Something so much stronger than I'd ever felt before
I felt the yearning and the longing, the hope that you felt the same
I felt my limbs trembling with the desire to claim you as my own
To discover the broken places and heal them, to make the strong places stronger
To protect and strengthen the weak places
To fit our pieces together
Perfectly.

Because that's what you do to me
Your pieces, fit my pieces
Your strengths are my weaknesses and your weaknesses are my strengths
I want to become better because of you
I want to conquer the world and lay it at your feet
I want to discover new worlds and claim them in your name
I want to save the world so that it's safe for you.

I want a future
With you.

I want to dream
With you.

I want to live
With you.

I want to laugh
With you.

I want to cry
With you.

I want to be
With you.

I want to love
You.


-Vicktor Aleksandr