For Veronica to Become Roni or Vic

I am, right now, sitting in a doctor's office with my friend K. Ray who drove all the way up from Miami just to take me to this appt and somewhat listening to the doctor describe the surgery and the steps I would need to take in order to become Veronica/Vic.

I know what you're thinking "Vee! Pay attention!" I am! But this doctor is really making me want to blog about him. I've never had a doctor try to talk me OUT of any type of surgery, but this one keeps talking about how beautiful I am as a young woman and why would I want to lose that to become a man.

Idiot.

He obviously didn't listen to me. So my friend K. Ray is arguing with him: "She has gorgeous tits! She doesn't want to lose them idiot! She just wants a cock! Preferably a nice, big, thick, long one that can get erect and she can fuck a man's ass!"

I love K. She really shocked the doctor then. Now he's wondering why I want to fuck a man.

Idiot.

Is this what I want? To let some doctor who doesn't agree with what I want for my life, how I feel inside, who I really am, operate on me? My family, who is going through enough hell with my brother won't understand what I need to do and I haven't told them. This is my big secret. It's been my secret for the last 27 years.

I'm sick of being who people think I should be. And this poor doctor is horrified that I WANT to be half woman and half man instead of just choosing. Atleast he hasn't called me a freak yet, although I have to wonder if he's thinking it. If he thinks it about all his patients.

I tell him that I want to fuck a man...or men *shrug* because I am both a straight woman and a gay man. Both sides of me like cock and a man's tight ass. So sue me.

I think he realizes I am serious. Or maybe he's noticed my Army Veterans card in my wallet when I go to pull out my I.D. but whatever it is he's smiling now and I am still listening with half an ear. I have my brochures, I am laying on this bed in a hospital gown with my girly bits exposed, let's get this over with.

******30 Minutes Later******

My consultation is over. It's possible. Not common. But possible. The amount I will have to pay is breathtaking. It's a partial Gender reassignment, I don't want a hysterectomy, I just want a cock...and maybe a prostate, but they don't do that yet. It's still expensive. I could buy a chest full of strap-on dildos and still have enough to move anywhere in the US that I wanted, but it wouldn't be the same. I want to feel myself get erect. I want to be able to whip out my hard cock and fuck some hot guy's ass, while my tits bounce. LOL.

It's me. Makes no sense. But it's me. K. Ray is beyond supportive, though she thinks I should just buy stock in strap-ons especially since it's safer, non-invasive and when I want to be a girl I can still fully be a girl.

And that's true as well.

So what do I do? I have identified what would make me happy, why I have felt like a stranger in my body for years, why I was unhappy for so long.

Can I continue to live as I have? Is simply identifying the problem enough or can I actually allow myself to undergo this expensive genital reassignment surgery that will give me not only a fully functioning cock that gets erect but testicles as well? Especially when that's what I want?

More importantly can I live with the fact that this surgery may just make me single for the rest of my life?

I really will be considered a "freak" to some people. I may have to live my life alone with the body I want, as the person I feel like I am on the inside, but with no one to share it with.

I cried in the car on the way home. My soul is crying out for this, for something that represents who I really am, but my heart trembles at the thought that I won't or can't find anyone to love me the way I really am.

I mean I've spent this long being a woman...I can keep pretending that that's all I am right?

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Inconceivable: Part Three

Part Three:

     Tommy woke up to pain.  Excruciating, blinding, heart-stopping, breath-stealing pain.  For a moment it was all he could think about.  The pain started at his head and worked all the way down his....what the fuck?  Did his dick hurt too?  He groaned and realized at that point that there were other people in the room with him.  The extremely deep voice of a man, the sexiest voice he'd ever heard, and a lighter, softer, more melodious sound of a woman.  Maybe they were the doctor and the nurse?  Maybe he was in the hospital?  That would make sense if he was run over by a Mac truck like he felt.
     "Baby?  Did you make a noise?  Please baby, respond...say something," he heard the man say and his heart pounded in his chest.  Baby?  Why was this man calling him baby?  That seemed a little inappropriate coming from his doctor.  He struggled to remember what had happened to him, where he was, who this man could be....he remembered....getting ready to move in with someone....a man, a big man....Anton!  Anton Forrester, the wolf shifter....oh yeah, they were on the road, they'd made it all the way to Virginia and then....he gasped as he remembered walking into the restroom.  He began thrashing on the bed, moaning and screaming as he relived the horror of his attack.
     "No!  No!  No!!" he screamed, tears rolling down his face, his mouth open and gasping for air, his arms and his legs thrashing about wildly as he tried to fight off his invisible attackers.
     "Tommy!  Baby!  Wake up!  You're safe.  I'm here,  they're gone.  I promise.  C'mon baby, please open your eyes, please," he heard the man say and instantly soothed.  His eyes popped open and he sat up quickly in pain, wincing in agony.  He looked around the room wildly and he saw Ton sitting on the bed next to him, his hands clutching his shoulders.  He threw himself into the bigger man's arms, uncaring of his injuries, unmindful of his appearance.
     "Oh god Ant!" he cried as he clutched the other man's shirt desperately, scrambling to climb up into the cowboy's lap.  He heard the other man making shushing noises in an effort to calm him and felt Ton's hands hold onto him firmly.  When another, more slender hand touched his back before rubbing his hair he stiffened and jerked away.
     "Tommy!  Baby!  It's okay.  It's just my sister, Luci.  She's a doctor, I called her and asked her to meet us here, to help you!" Ton stated frantically.
     Tommy looked over at the woman and assessed her.  She stood at his height, with long brown hair that fell to the middle of her back, a small pert nose, pink lips, a delicate almost disarming frame of body, with curves in all the right places, and as his eyes traveled back up he saw her eyes, her startling blue eyes.  Those eyes, filled with kindness, sadness for what he'd been through, anger at his attackers, sympathy for his anguish, and concern over his injuries, filled him with peace and he calmed instantly.  He heard Ton chuckle and looked over at him, much more calm and serene, more aware of his surroundings than he had been upon first waking.
     "Luci is an omega.  She has this ability to make people feel at ease and at peace.  It's sort of a special...gift she has.  I haven't seen her use it on a human in a while," Ton explained and Tommy nodded.  So Luci was a wolf shifter too.
     "Are they dead?" he asked, his voice devoid of emotion, raspy from screaming.  He saw Ton and Luci exchange looks before Ton answered him.
     "No, they're not.  They were injured pretty bad though, had to be put into the hospital, both for their injuries and because they said they saw the wolf that attacked them turn into a human before he picked up the other man in the bathroom, the one that they'd beat up," the Texan growled.
     Tommy's eyebrows lifted in amazement, "They confessed to beating me up?"
     "In their confusion and hysteria, yeah, they did," Ton said with a smile.  Tommy merely nodded again and looked around the room, before his eyes landed on the pamphlet on the table.
     "Mississippi?" he read aloud and looked over at Ton.  "We're in Mississippi?"
     Ton nodded and swallowed thickly.  "I tried to nurse you myself, but you were getting worse.  You wouldn't wake up, I wasn't sure if you were even alive.  I took you to the hospital, but they wanted to keep you overnight and wouldn't let me see you.  So I sneaked out with you and kept driving.  My sister was visiting a friend of hers here in Mississippi so we just met up here so she could care for you."
     Tommy looked over at Luci who merely smiled at him before answering, "I stitched you up, gave you a shot for the pain, wrapped your ribs, your wrist, your ankle.  I even had to bandage your head for a while."
     Tommy's hands flew to his hair and began to run through his curls frantically.  Ton grasped his hands and pulled them down.  "Don't worry, nothing was shaved or anything," he reassured him.  Tommy breathed a sigh of relief and crawled back up into the big wolf's lap before reaching out a hand to Luci.
     "Thank you so much," he said to her with a small smile.  He breathed a sigh of relief and felt exhaustion sweep back over him, he tried to fight against it, wanting the chance to get to know Luci but more than that, wanting to spend time with his wolf, his hero, his mate.  The thought of being Ton's mate didn't scare him as much anymore.  He'd survived a horrific attack because of this man, his man.  An attack he received because people couldn't accept the fact that everyone is different, and that which they saw as being socially normal was actually humanly abnormal.  Differences were what made up the human race, similarities were what made up drones and clones.
     "Get some sleep baby, we'll still be here when you wake up," he heard Ton's voice say and without another thought, he drifted off to sleep.

Truth in a Joke-I am Static, I am Bi-Gender, I am Me

So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him.  I helped to raise him.  We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday.").  So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother.  Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him.  I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant.  He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair."  We both laughed but you know what?  I wonder if he was really being honest with me.

I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"?  I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this.  Feeling both male and female.  Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself.  Plus I love my tits you know?  But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered.  As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.

I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man.  So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin.  What steps to take, who to talk to.

What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this?  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others.  Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
      There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?