Truth in a Joke-I am Static, I am Bi-Gender, I am Me

So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him.  I helped to raise him.  We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday.").  So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother.  Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him.  I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant.  He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair."  We both laughed but you know what?  I wonder if he was really being honest with me.

I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"?  I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this.  Feeling both male and female.  Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself.  Plus I love my tits you know?  But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered.  As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.

I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man.  So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin.  What steps to take, who to talk to.

What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this?  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others.  Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
      There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?

If I F-to-M Transition, Will I Grow a Prostate?

Yeah, I seriously asked my doctor that question today.

*Shrug*

It's not that I thought I could SERIOUSLY grow one...I mean, I'm not a COMPLETE airhead, but she was going on and on and ON about the wonders of modern medicine and technology and about how they could take some of my eggs and harvest them and then when I'm ready I can either have them implanted in me or in a surrogate (this conversation came about because of the fact that when you're disabled in the line of duty they always want to see if your reproductive system has been "compromised," and while I can still GET pregnant, the fact that I'm in a wheelchair, apparently isn't conducive to having men line up at the proverbial door-the military feels responsible-hmmm....I wonder why?).

"You have to understand the strides that we are making everyday to improve the quality of people's lives.  I mean, it's quite remarkable."-My doctor.

"Really?  So...let's say I decide that I want to be a man..."-Me

"Do you feel like you're a man?  That you should have been born as a man?  Because we have people on staff you can talk to and if that's something you feel you need done, we can check into options.  The only thing is that you wouldn't be able to impregnate your partner."-My doctor.

"Oh that's no problem.  If I was a man I'd be gay anyway.  Which is what I wanted to talk to you about.  Since you all are making such strides in the medical field.  If I decide to do the whole female to male transition thing, will I grow a prostate?  Because I hear those things are great to have.  Especially you know, because I'll be gay and all."-Me

Apparently, she didn't like my questions, she told me no it wasn't possible and then she suddenly had to go.  How rude!  LOL.

I'm sorry I love to ask questions that flabbergast people.  When I was fourteen, I asked my parents, our pastors, our deacons and my Sunday school teacher about hermaphrodites.  (The parents choose the gender, but they choose what they want, what if that's not the gender that child identifies with?  Shouldn't it be up to the child?  And doesn't that apply to everything?  Even who they have sex with?)  LOL.  They tried to throw scripture at the last part, but they couldn't at the first part which tore down their whole argument.  I believe that pastor is still studying trying to find a response.  That was thirteen years ago.

I don't try to be a pest....okay, sometimes I do, my whole goal is just to make people think before they open their mouths, especially when they're attempting to condemn someone.  My doctor?  Well, I just like to piss that bitch off, it's fun.  Plus, her son, Jonathan, is one of the kids in the Gay Teens Support Groups that I talk to (you know about how there are straight people out there who support them and that there are alternatives and people to go to when they're being bullied, etc), his mother is EXTREMELY homophobic (blame it on her serving in the US military for YEARS and coming from an extremely Conservative household) and I think she's against "race mixing."  So she rubs my craw wrong all the way around.  I have to continue to annoy her, my plan is for her to be so angry at me that when her son Jon comes out in two years to her when he turns 18, she'll blame me and be angry at me and not him.

It's my plan anyway, and if I get to poke the bear and have fun a little bit along the way?  Well, that's just a bonus.