I'm up at almost 3am. Not because I'm writing, though I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm up because I'm thinking.
Calm down. It does happen occasionally.
I'm thinking about being blind. What it means to me, the things I lost, the people and the parts of myself that are no longer the same. The people who have walked away from me, either because they couldn't handle it or because they didn't want to be with me any longer. Friends and family that are no longer in my life. Love interests that I no longer have or that I won't have. The places I won't be able to see and the things I'll never be able to do. And you know what? I don't know if this is permanent but I do know that I am no longer the same.
While in certain ways I am a whole lot more confident before at the same time I feel wracked with more insecurities than ever before. Who will want me? Will I still be able to write? Was my birth mother right? Am I being punished for something?
And I know what people will say to me about that. I know the cliches and the assurances that I will be given but late at night when I'm all alone... again, I hear those questions again.
I am trying to fight them as best as I can, but it's not easy. Nothing is anymore. So I'm up thinking...
What about you guys? Is there anything that keeps you up late at night, thinking?
Maybe we can encourage each other and help each other think about the good things and not the bad things that keep us up at 3 o'clock in the morning.
-Vicktor Aleksandr B