Sunday, September 9, 2012

Late Night Thinking

I'm up at almost 3am. Not because I'm writing, though I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm up because I'm thinking.

Calm down. It does happen occasionally.

I'm thinking about being blind. What it means to me, the things I lost, the people and the parts of myself that are no longer the same. The people who have walked away from me, either because they couldn't handle it or because they didn't want to be with me any longer. Friends and family that are no longer in my life. Love interests that I no longer have or that I won't have. The places I won't be able to see and the things I'll never be able to do. And you know what? I don't know if this is permanent but I do know that I am no longer the same.

While in certain ways I am a whole lot more confident before at the same time I feel wracked with more insecurities than ever before. Who will want me? Will I still be able to write? Was my birth mother right? Am I being punished for something?

And I know what people will say to me about that. I know the cliches and the assurances that I will be given but late at night when I'm all alone... again, I hear those questions again.

I am trying to fight them as best as I can, but it's not easy. Nothing is anymore. So I'm up thinking...


What about you guys? Is there anything that keeps you up late at night, thinking?

Maybe we can encourage each other and help each other think about the good things and not the bad things that keep us up at 3 o'clock in the morning.

-Vicktor Aleksandr B


  1. Hugs. I've been kept awake before now with horrible thoughts churning through my head - the rational part of my brain knows better, but when it's late and I'm tired the depression can definitely get the upper hand.
    I try very hard to curl up and read when I feel like that. Doesn't always work but sometimes it does.
    Good luck with your demons honey. Take care.

  2. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way at times. We've spent several hours talking about this over the past few days, and I personally believe that you will still achieve everything you set out for. You've been given a different path that you weren't prepared for, but you know what? You're strong and you have and will continue to inspire people. You are amazing my friend AND one day your Prince Charming (who will love, adore and appreciate the wonderful person you are) will come and sweep you off of your feet.
    Love you!

  3. Hugs tightly and tilts her head~ I can't tell you that I haven't had bad thoughts at 3 in the morning. Because you know what I have.

    What I can say is that anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. I know I am lucky. I also know that you encourage me to talk and to open up even when I feel like running and hiding. You just continue to be you Vic. It's the only thing that I can really tell you for sure. Be you and be good at being yourself. Even when you think it's hard keep on keeping on.

  4. You ladies are awesome. Thank you for the constant support. Sometimes I over think things and get down on myself, even while on vacation. I'm glad to know there are people to pull me out of that headspace.

  5. *arching eyebrow* Seriously? Dude, I was awake. Why don't you come talk to me when you feel this way? Seriously. I have told you a ka-jillion times to come, and tell me you just need to vent or whatever. Yeah I'm stressed with the kidlet, and yeah I have other stuff going on in my life and yeah, I'm not always up at 3am, but you ought to know that you can always come talk to me.

    Okay, I *know* this shit is hard, and I know that people have walked away. But I'm not one of them. Don't act like I'm not here, or I stopped caring. What did Dory the fish say in Finding Nemo? Oh, yeah, "You big dumb-dummy head!" When you're in Chi-town and I'm here I'll be okay with hearing this stuff on the net, but for now? Bring your f-ing behind down the hall and get a hug or an ear to listen or whatever. Don't make me sicc Angel and Mama Rodriguez on you. Or, *drumroll* Frankie, aka the Nieceling.


Want to pet The Vic?