Written and deleted. Written and deleted.
I have vented, cried, expressed confusion, hurt, disappointment. I have called out those who betrayed my trust, those who found me guilty without a fair trial, those who turned their backs on me, those who listened to others and drew a conclusion without talking to me first, and those who gossiped and slandered my name and reputation for whatever feeble reason they could come up with.
I have admitted my flaws, laughed about the flaws of humanity and cried over them all.
I have been the victim and I have been the villain, but I was never a martyr.
There are a lot of labels I could give myself (though I won't do that online) and there are labels that people can give me, but something that I've learned recently is that nobody's label can stick to me unless I let it. No one has power over me unless I give it to them. Nobody can hurt me, betray my trust or turn their back on me unless I let them close enough to do so.
I'm not saying that I've decided to be emotionally closed off, that accomplishes nothing and I've been that way before, it was no fun. I'm going to be 30 this year and honestly? It's seriously time for me to leave the high school bullshit at Winter Haven High School where I graduated from over 10 years ago.
So since I'm not going to go into details and lay all of that bullshit out, what is this post about?
I have learned so much about family and though I know many of you won't agree with my decision to reconcile with my bio family, I realized something about true family. Family should accept you, but they don't always do so. That doesn't mean they love you any less, it just means that there's some aspect of your life they don't agree with. The same is true for my birth family. They don't "accept" me as Vic, they probably never will, but after half a year without me, my birth mother never stopped contacting me. It freaked me out at first, big time, but I realized what my therapist had been trying to tell me for a long time, around October of last year.
My bio family loves me in their own way.
I thought they couldn't or wouldn't love me as a man. They don't really talk about it or acknowledge it unless faced with the truth of it (mail, phone calls, checks, etc.) but they have invited me back and want to help take care of me because of my being blind and my other health issues. They still talk exhaustively about religion and politics and how Obama is the anti-Christ (LOL) but I know they're not trying to attack me with it, they're being normal. They know what I believe, they know what I write, they know how I live (my bio mom found condoms in my bag today and the only thing she said was "What does a blind person need condoms for?" That's a win for me because she didn't say "a blind woman."), they know who I voted for and what I stand for and you know what? I'm still here. In spite of the horrible things that happened in October and November of 2011 and the things I suffered growing up, it wasn't all bad and in spite of it all, I know that my bio family still wants me. Not all of them (I won't even get into that), but enough of them that I no longer feel that heavy weight in my chest that used to always be there.
What a difference a year makes.
And that's what family, true family is all about. Regardless of blood or choice I now know what constitutes a real family member for me:
- Allegiance to One Another
- Interest in Each Other and
So my New Year's Resolution is not to hold onto relationships that don't exist on the part of everyone involved (unless it's a celebrity crush because hello?! I'm totally supposed to be married to John Barrowman, Shemar Moore, Scott Hoying, Matt Bomer AND Charlie David), to improve myself, to focus on my writing and my classes, to make contacts and connections for Promise House and to embrace family in all its many different forms.
And I may not blog often but know that I think about you all during my day. I'm not going to blog as much as I used to or share as much of myself as I used to, but I'm still here and I'll still share and I will always, always be me, no matter what. And in honor of one of my favorite shows: "Friends," every blog post will be titled "The One Where..." and then I'll give you a clue about what's going on.
I hope everyone had a happy Inauguration Day and a happy MLK Jr Day and I so hope that everyone's new year is starting off great. Because I want that for everyone that I know, regardless.
Have a great weekend everyone!