Monday, November 28, 2011

Vicktor's Wish List

My therapist in Florida gave me a homework assignment before I left.

I was supposed to write my wish list. The Top 50 things that I wanted. Then I was supposed to cut that list down to the Top 25. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 20. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 10. Then that list was supposed to become the Top 5. And then that list was supposed to become the Number 1 thing that I wished for.

When I asked him why, he told me it was a way for me to help prioritize my brain. A way to keep my mind focused and not stress over things that weren't on my list, but maybe things that were on someone else's list.

I wish I could tell you that I had my Top 50 done.

The thing is, I don't think that I've ever once sat down and thought about what I really wanted out of my life. What I really and truly wished for.

Don't get me wrong as a kid, I wrote out a Christmas List that would have knocked your socks off, but I did it for class, it was never a list I gave to my parents and it was never something that I sent to "Santa." I stopped believing in Santa when at the age of 4 I walked down the stairs and saw my parents putting the presents underneath the tree.

A lot of bad things happened to me when I was 4 and I think perhaps that that was when I stopped "wishing" for stuff. I was still a dreamer, and I still am, but in my mind dreaming is so much more different than wishing. Wishing is something that you want that requires another person, dreaming is something realistic that you can do for yourself.

When I dream, I'm usually dreaming for other people. I dreamed for my friend Katharina to get her lifetime collar and she did. I dreamed for Mama N.J.'s Christmas story to get picked up and published and it did. I dreamed for my little brother Thorny's life to be a little more peaceful and it is. I dreamed for my little brother Brad to be able to go to school full-time next semester and he is. I dreamed for my big sister Cherie to be able to get her edits done in time and she did.

I guess dreaming for me is hoping. They very much go hand in hand, so when I have a dream list, that dream list is a hope list. But a wish list to me is something that is almost like a fantasy. I would put on this list things that I "fantasized" for, things that I never truly expected to happen to me, or to be given to me or to happen for me. And for that reason I have never sat down to write out a complete wish list.

Until today.

I decided to finish the list that I'd already started and so I decided to read over the 10 things I'd already written down so that I didn't repeat myself.

I had started to write out my wish list a few weeks ago, when I first got to NY and by the time I got to #5 I realized that I had more things marked off than written down, because I realized I already had them:

1. I want a dad, one who cares about me and is proud of me and claims me in front of others.
2. I want a family who cares about me and supports me and protects me
3. I want a career that I can be proud of.
4. I want to start a group home for at risk teenagers, those on drugs, those who are homeless, LGBTQ teens who have been kicked out and help them get their diplomas and degrees and have a place to stay and people who will support them.
5. I want to have someone that's mine. Someone I care about who cares about me, like a partner or a sub (probably both, knowing me). Someone that I can claim in front of everyone that belongs to me (gosh I sound like a selfish, possessive bastard).
6. I want to be able to spend my days writing, saving the world and having lots of mansex
7. I want to be on the outside who I am on the inside.
8. I want to be a dad
9. I want to go to Italy
10. I want to go one week without crying myself to sleep.

I was pretty amazed when I saw the list and then very happy when I saw how many things I'd crossed off.

I think I will sit down and finish writing out my list one day, just for shits and giggles to see what else I've already crossed off, but for right now?

My wish list makes me pretty damn happy to see.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Chicks & Dicks: BEEEEEEEEEEP Emergency Alert

Chicks & Dicks: BEEEEEEEEEEP Emergency Alert: This is an actual Chicks & Dicks Emergency. Please standby for information on the nature of the emergency, and follow instructions to addre...

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's Time

I want this, and it's totally time for this to be normal and equal and legal all over.

Get involved you guys!

Marriage Equality for all.

-Vicktor Aleksandr

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I'm So Thankful

Last year I celebrated Thanksgiving in San Diego, California with a family who took me in for a week so that I wouldn't be without family and so that I wouldn't be homeless.

Sound familiar?

But last year, even though I laughed and smiled and ate so much that I'm STILL trying to lose all the weight that I gained I was still miserable.  I was still depressed and I was still considering suicide.

Because I was living my life as a woman, even though I wore a strap on everywhere I went.  It was also because that Saturday I was heading back to Florida to be with my biological family again and the prospect of that was beyond horrific to me.

Three years before that in 2007, I was the guardian of a young girl, whom I affectionately called "Chipmunk" and was thankful for her.  But still, something was missing.

The year before that I was barely conscious, barely sober, because I'd lost my fiance' and our unborn child within months of each other.  One to brain cancer and the other to a miscarriage.  Thanksgiving 2006 is not one that I remember.

But this year, even though there's a perpetual lump in my throat because this is the first year that I'm celebrating Thanksgiving as Vicktor Aleksandr B. (Thought you were going to get the full name didn't you? LOL)

This is the first year when I have an actual family.

This is the first year that I have a father who is proud of me and who supports me. Someone who was actually honored that I asked him to be my dad and someone who told me that he was determined to be a real father to me (and people think he can be "skeery" so I wouldn't dare tell him that his son is an abomination-it's only in your best interest).

This is the first year that I have not one, but THREE mothers who support me and encourage me and give me hugs (even if they are virtual) and who are fiercely protective and loving of me (try saying something bad about me to them-I dare you).

This is the first year that I have an awesome older brother who cares about me and worries about me and who can totally teach me about how to be an awesome gay man, but more than that he can totally teach me about how to be an awesome human being (but he can be very blunt and fierce too, so I could totally see myself saying: "I'm going to tell my big brother on you!").

This is the first year that I have EIGHT older sisters, all of whom are awesome and beautiful and talented and strong and future world changers (and would totally rip you a new one if you hurt or talked bad about their baby brother-I actually like being referred to as their baby brother and have no problem with hiding behind them and pointing people out to them and saying: "It was them Big Sister!").  They not only help me to be a better writer, but they are determined to see me be me, be who I really am and are determined to not see me hurt.

This is the first year that I have a younger sister and THREE younger brothers who all make me smile and who love me and who amazingly think I'm cool (and don't you dare tell them differently-I like them thinking that I'm awesome) and who make sure that they tell me all the time how much they love me and how honored they are to be a part of my family.

This is the first year that I have two of the coolest aunts ever born on Earth who make me laugh, threaten to turn me over to a Star Wars "mob" because I've never seen the movies, and who have no qualms about talking to me about sex while simultaneously watching over me to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and writing blogs about me to tell others how much they support me.

This is the first year that I have a host of friends who are supportive and encouraging of me, not the image that I'm forced to project.

This is the first year that I have a Nieceling and Nephrews who all think I'm cool and brave and awesome and who will even go to bat for their "Uncle Vic" because "he's the bravest man that I know and that's what he is, he's a man and yeah he's a man that likes men, and you may not see the man he is just yet, but he's still a man" (the Nieceling).

This is the first year that I have someone who knows who I am and still finds me sexy and doesn't see anyone other than Vic.

This is the first year that I'm a published writer.

This is the first year that I go to sleep and wake up in a house full of love and support.

This is the first year that I am on the right track to becoming on the outside the way I've always been on the inside.

This is the first year that I can say that I'm truly thankful for my life and my family and know that it's not just lip service, but that I really and truly mean it.

I am so thankful.  So completely and unbelievably thankful for so much that's it's clogging my throat and filling my eyes with some sort of strange moisture.

I will not think about all the things in my life that could be better, because that would be so easy and honestly, a total waste of time, but, I will focus on the things that are so amazing in my life, the things that make me smile throughout the day, the people who enrich my life and make stand up taller, square back my shoulders and let people know who I am and that I'm not ashamed of that.

This is, for me, truly, my first and so far, my best, Thanksgiving ever.

Have a Great and Happy Thanksgiving Day All!!!

-V. A. B.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I'm Not a Backup Singer

Tonight we went to a service for Transgender Day of Remembrance and I must admit I was all for it until we walked into the building.  I was surrounded by transmen, transwomen, transpeople and all I could think was "If someone wanted to take out a bunch of trans* people, this would be the best time to do it."

I'm not usually so morbid or so pessimistic, but that has been my headspace for the last few days.  I have been struggling, not so much with my gender identity or my sexuality but just with myself, in general.  You see, I have a hard time seeing what other people see.  When someone tells me how gorgeous I am, how sweet I am, how sexy, I smile and say thank you but I don't see it.  When someone says that they enjoy me, I don't see it.

When someone says that they want to adopt me, I believe them for like...a day, but I'm always waiting for the novelty to wear off, for the other shoe to drop, for them to realize that they made a huge, fucking mistake.

Because you know, my biological family, people who are supposed to be predisposed to love and care about me, to support me, to want me, tossed me aside because I didn't conform to their ideals and morals and doesn't that mean that there's something wrong with me?  

If people who are supposed to be supporting me then turn around and attack me and others like me, doesn't that mean that there's something wrong with me?  With us?  That we're wrong?

I sat there listening to all of these statistics and hearing that as a "transman of color" I am more likely to be attacked or killed and I'll be honest, I got scared and started wondering if it was worth it.  I get this nervous twitch when I'm about to bolt, my leg starts to bounce, my eyes dart around the room (because I'm looking for an escape) and I start scratching the hell out of an arm or hand.  I was about to make the world's quickest getaway, without my cane, without my shit...without my adopted Big Sister and The Nieceling who had both come with me.  I was going to get the hell out of there because I felt too exposed, too fucking raw, too fucking emotional.  I was wrong, everyone else was right, the biologicals, the hateful people, they were all right about me, I needed to go, I needed to get out.  I could feel my heart speeding up, I could feel Cherie's eyes on me, I could tell that she knew I was about to bolt, but I didn't care.  I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to rage against God, against Allah, against the fucking elements and against my fucking biological parents for ever having sex and making me.  It was their fault!  I'm a screwed up mess, fucked, damned beyond all belief because of them.  I felt, in that moment, that I had signed my death warrant the day that I admitted that I was a black transgender male homosexual.  I was dead, I was toast, my birth mother was right, I was going to be torn apart and ripped to shreds because I'm a fucking mistake.  I started to think about, to consider, going back and being "Vee" again.  I could stop being Vicktor and go back to being Veronica.  I could do it.  I could.  I could push the real me aside, my true feelings and emotions, who I truly am on the inside, and be the woman that the world saw.  A woman who had a man inside of her desperately screaming and clawing to get out, fighting to breathe, fighting to stay alive.

I could go back to being a woman and slice my wrists within 24 hours.

Because sitting there I knew that if I did that, if I went back to living a lie, to denying my truth to please other people, out of fear of being attacked or being killed...I knew that if I turned my back on all the strides I'd made, I'd kill myself.  It's humbling, it's frightening to know that about yourself.  And then one of the people there, the musician, Lydia (a transwoman) said: "We cannot be backup singers in our own lives."  It was amazing and powerful and just what I needed to hear.

I've been struggling with not being too annoying to people (it's why I haven't blogged in a while, why I don't comment as much anymore, why I don't tweet as much as I used to...why I'm so godsdamn afraid to talk to my adopted father or my adopted big brother or some of my adopted big sisters) because I didn't want to lose the only people that are supporting me and lose this family that I have now, and so I've been not really talking too much and not really getting involved or commenting as much.  Because that's a very real fear of mine, that one morning all of you will wake up and realize that I'm just not worth it.  But tonight as I sat there in this memorial service hearing about the number of people who are killed just for being themselves, the people who had the courage to live their truths, I realized that even if I drive all of you away (*biting lower lip*) because I need a little more reassurance right now, because I need the emails and the phone calls and the hugs and the public acknowledgments and the comments and even the tweets and the mentions in a group or on Facebook, to let me know that I'm not an abomination or a mistake or something to be ashamed of, I had to have the guts and the courage to stand up and live my life, to live my truth, regardless.  You know?

Because I am NOT a backup singer in my own life.  I refuse to be.  And if that makes me a target, then bring it on, because you know what?  I got the title of expert marksman in the Army and they don't call me "The Dom" for nothing, I am a force to be reckoned with, once I realize what I want to stand for and I've decided, finally, to stand for myself.  It's time for me, for Vicktor, to stand up and be heard and let people know that:

NO I am NOT an abomination!  NO I am NOT a mistake!  NO I have not gotten it wrong!  YES, I am here!  YES, I DO exist!  And NO.  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I AM NOT GOING TO GO AWAY!

Don't like it?  Well too damn bad for you.

-Vicktor A. Bailey

"Hir" Poem on Transgender

We Must Not Let Russia Be Silenced

"Dear friend,

I just added my voice to this urgent appeal, standing for human rights in Russia and all over the world. Medvedev and Putin's party is pushing a law to vote this week that would make any mention of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender issues illegal.

The bill, being introduced as early as this Wednesday, would criminalize any book, article or speech about sexual identity and gender orientation, labeling it "homosexual propaganda". This is outrageous, and now is the time for key world leaders to speak up, we need every voice.

Will you take a minute to add yours?

The text is by, the highlights are mine. Yes, things are really that bad, and getting worse fast. I'm not sure how can the Russian GLBT avoid being forced back into the closet - and worse - without help from the rest of the world. And while I'm not sure whether this one petition will help, we certainly need to spread word of this. "  (Posted by Jack, a member of the GR Rainbow Writers & Readers group)

Click on the link and add your name.  We cannot let the GLBTQ community in Russia be silenced.  Show your support.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Transgender Remembrance Day

*This post contains some very graphic, offensive, hurtful and slang terms.  They are unfortunately very pertinent to the posting of this blog.  If you are offended I encourage you to either scroll past the offensive part or close this particular post.  The words and views are not that of the author/owner/"moderator" of this blog (obviously), but are the views and opinions shared by those who are mean, hateful and woefully ignorant.*

"Aye.  Yo, man, what the fuck is that?"
"Right there.  Aye, is that a girl or one of them sissy queers?"
"What, you mean like a fag or something?"
"I don't know man.  She kinda looks like one o' 'dem trannies or some fucked up shit like that."
"Well 'den let's go find out."

"I know that you claim to identify as a gay male but...."

"You're not a "real" man though....."

"I'm just having a hard time accepting it.  I don't think you're really transgender."

"So you aren't just saying that God made a mistake by making you a girl, you're saying that you want to be an abomination and be a man who is having sex with other men?"

"The devil is going to tear you apart because you insist on living this way...."

"You're a GIRL, I don't care what you feel like.  Get over it!"

"So, you wanna be a man, huh?  Well then fight me like a man then.  You don't like me hitting you, then bring it on, otherwise I'm going to beat you like the bitch you are."

Over the last four months I've had these things said to me, about me, around me.

I have had to grip the handle of my cane tightly in my hand, ready to swing out and defend myself, just in case someone decided that they wanted to see just what I was.

I have had people ask me where my genitals were located and that that determined if I was "really a man or not."

I have had people question my decision, tell me that I'm not really transgender, and others tell me that I'm not a "real man."

I have had those same people tell me that I "shouldn't take it personally" because they worked with or knew transgender people/teens or had transgenders in their family.

That's not an excuse.

That's just like you insulting me because I'm black and then telling me not to take offense because you have black people in your family or because you know black people.

You insulted me.  You hurt me.

And that hurt has led to me fighting against thoughts of suicide, of cutting my wrists, throwing myself out of a window, throwing myself in front of a car.  The fear of being attacked and being killed makes me want to walk with my head down some days or to just smile and nod when someone calls me "she," "ma'am," "her," or "lady."

I have a friend who lives in Chicago that I wanted to visit and he told me (in no uncertain terms):
SD: Vic, no.  You can't come here alone.
Me: Why not?
SD: It's dangerous for me to be here, black and gay.  But you?  You're not just black, you're black, you're a transgender male, and you identify as being a gay man.  Don't you get it?  They will kidnap you, rape you, beat you and kill you and toss your body into a ditch on the side of the road before you even get too far from the airport and the police will just say that it was because you were alone or something.  Because you look like you're transitioning, you don't just look female or just look male, you can tell and they will hurt you because of that.  You can't come here alone.  Not yet.

Today is Transgender Remembrance Day.  A day when families and allies of transgenders gather together to remember those who lost their lives, were beaten, attacked, disowned, cast aside, hurt, all because they were transgender.

I thought long and hard about what I would write on this blog of mine which is so much different from the others that I write.  This one is personal.  This is the blog where my journey started.  This is the blog where I admitted the truth about myself.  This is the blog where I can be me.

I knew that I needed to use today, and this very same blog to raise awareness of the issue of transphobia and being transgender in this day and age.  There has been some very ugly, very disgusting and disturbing displays of transphobia within the online community that is supposed to be supportive but I believe, as does many others, that through education and those of us who are trans* speaking out that we can raise awareness and spark change.  I shall start today doing even more than I did before.  (If you would like to stand with us, please copy the two pictures on my blog and post them on your blog or as your avatar or something in alliance with us.)

Every three days in America and other parts of the world a transgender person is reported as having been killed in a hate crime.  I would like to honor some of them and hope that today you will stand with me and with others to remember those who lost their lives and to help end transphobia, because those statements above can incite others to violence and intolerance and hatred and those things can lead to death and it must end here.  Because even if you don't know a trans* person in your personal life you know of one: ME.

Erika Keels (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; 3/22/07) Erika, a 20-year-old black transgender woman, was murdered on March 22, 2007, on North Broad Street in Philadelphia. Witnesses saw an assailant eject Erika from his car and intentionally run her over four times, killing her and leaving the scene. A medical examiner’s report supports these eyewitness accounts. But police ruled Erika’s death an accident and have refused to conduct an investigation. The driver, Roland Button, was later apprehended, but he has yet to face criminal charges–including “hit and run” charges. When Ms. Keels’ friends, who are themselves trans, questioned police officials about the classification of her death as an accident, they were asked to disclose their “birth” names and told they were “trying to make something out of nothing."

Sanesha Stewart was a 25-year-old trans woman living in the Bronx, New York, who was stabbed to death on February 10, 2008.[15] An ex-convict was arrested for the murder. Police reported that he had visited her for sex and became enraged over the realization that she was not biologically a female.[15] Stewart's murder, initially reported by the New York Daily News as "Fooled John Stabbed Bronx Tranny", outraged transgender activists for the act as well as the reporting in the media.[16] A neighbor denied the police's assertion she was a prostitute.[15] The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) intervened to inform the Daily News that tranny is often considered pejorative and dehumanizing and that insinuating Stewart "fooled" her murderer was both defamatory and irresponsible.[17] The paper dropped both tranny and fooled in follow-up stories and changed the online version of the original report to address the concerns raised.[15]
Larry King of Oxnard, California, was a gay or bisexual[18] 15-year-old eighth-grade student who was shot to death at his school on February 12, 2008. He wore gender variant clothes, jewelry and make-up[19] and had come out as gay at school.[19] King was bullied and teased by his fellow students due to his effeminacy and openness about being gay, having come out at ten-years-old and while in the third grade.[18] On the morning of February 12, Lawrence was in the school’s computer lab with 24 other students. Fellow student, fourteen-year-old Brandon McInerney was witnessed repeatedly looking at King during the class. At 8:15 a.m, McInerney shot King twice in the head using a handgun.[20] King was declared brain dead the next day but kept on a ventilator to preserve his organs for donation.[19] Prosecutors charged McInerney as an adult with murder as a premeditated hate crime and gun possession.[19] The trial is pending as of November 2008. The crime was reputed to be the most high-profile hate crime case of 2008. Newsweek described it as "the most prominent gay-bias crime since the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard", bringing attention to issues of gun violence as well as gender expression and sexual identity of teenagers.[18]
Duanna Johnson, a 40-year-old African American transgender woman. In February 2008, Duanna was picked up and arrested by Memphis, Tennessee, police officers Bridges McRae and J. Swain. She was pinned down and beaten by the two men in a Memphis police jail after she refused to respond to anti-gay and anti-transgender slurs. The assault was captured on video, which aired on several regional newscasts. In an interview given to FOX 13, Duanna spoke about her experiences. “As [Officer McRae] was calling me, he said ‘hey he-she, come over here’” Johnson told FOX 13 reporters, “I knew he couldn’t be talking to me because that’s not my name.” Duanna Johnson received national media attention this past June when she went public about the brutality she suffered at the hands of two Memphis Police Officers. She became “the public face of our community’s campaign against racism, homophobia, and transphobia” according to a statement from the Mid-South Peace and Justice Center. Tragically, Duanna did not live to see full justice served. On Monday Nov 10, according to news reports, Duanna was shot “execution style” between Hollywood and Staten Avenue in Memphis, Tenn.[21]
Felicia Melton-Smyth, a 41-year-old transwoman, was stabbed to death on May 26, 2008 in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. She was vacationing with a group of 20 people from Madison, Wisconsin. Francisco Javier Hoyos Reyes was arrested immediately afterwards.[22]
Angie Zapata was a trans woman who was murdered on July 17, 2008, in Greeley, Colorado. Her death was the first ever case involving a transgender victim to be ruled a hate crime.[23] Colorado is one of only eleven states that protect transgender victims under hate crime laws in the United States. Allen Andrade, who learned eighteen-year-old Angie was transgender after meeting her and spending several days with her, beat her to death with a fire extinguisher. In his arrest affidavit, Andrade calls Zapata "it",[24] and during his trial a tape was played of a phone conversation in which he told his girl friend "gay things need to die".[25] Andrade's attorneys used a gay panic defense, implying that Andrade suddenly "snapped" when he learned Zapata was not born biologically female. On April 22, 2009, Andrade was found guilty of first degree murder, hate crimes, and car/ID theft. He was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.[26]
LaTeisha Green was a trans woman who was murdered on November 14, 2008. The man who shot her, Dwight DeLee, was found guilty of first-degree manslaughter as a hate crime against gays. There are no laws protecting gender variant people in New York State.[27][28]


Tyli A Nana Boo Mack, a 21-year-old transgender woman, was attacked and fatally stabbed in broad daylight on the street in Washington, D.C. [29] The attack occurred on the 200 block of Q Street, NW around 2:30pm, near the offices of Transgender Health Empowerment, a transgender support group.[29] Mack was walking with an unidentified transgender woman when they were attacked.[30] Both victims were rushed to Howard University Hospital, where Mack died.[31] TheMetropolitan Police Department advertised up to $25,000 in compensation for any information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible for Mack's murder.[32] Some problematic coverage of Mack's murder led the D.C Transgender Coalition to issue a statement regarding respect for the gender identities of trans people.[29]


Victoria Carmen White, a 28-year-old transgender woman, was fatally shot at an apartment in Maplewood, New Jersey, on Sunday, September 11.[33] White went to the apartment with her killers, Alrashim Chambers and Marquise Foster, whom she had met earlier that night.[34] Investigators believe that White's killers shot her upon learning that she was transgender and are considering hate crime charges.[34] Many transgender advocates were confused and upset by the Essex County Prosecuter's Office's initial report that White was male, despite the fact that her documentation and genital configuration confirmed she was female.[35]*

 Find somewhere that is honoring Transgender Remembrance Day, help us end transphobia.

-Vicktor "Vic"
An Out and Proud Gay TransMAN

Friday, November 18, 2011

Why Meditation is Now Masturbation

Check out this blog post by my friend and big sister, fellow author Cherie Noel, the author of the awesome The Soldier and the State Trooper as well as Kiss and Tell which was a part of the Hot Summer Days Anthology on Goodreads.  It will make you laugh and make you think as well when it comes to writing and researching the male orgasm when writing M/M or even M/F romance and fiction and completely redefine the word "meditation" for you as well.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better

*Short post for me-I know, I know. Gasp and all that*

Yesterday was the greatest birthday I ever had.  Not because I got presents (although have authors in my family meant that I got free books for my birthday yesterday-free books and gift cards guessed it, free books! LOL), not even because of the AMOUNT of people that wished me "Happy Birthday" and it was amazing to me.  But because of the amount of love and support and encouragement from my family.

It was amazing.

My homemade lasagna and homemade birthday cake were "slap your Mama" good (I'm putting up pictures-don't worry) and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me almost made me cry.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the one thing that I wanted.  The one important relationship that I've craved since I realized at the age of 4 that the one I had was corrupt and evil and wrong, I got in spades.

I got a dad for my birthday yesterday.

Doesn't that sound like a book?  "A Daddy for Vic."  (Yep, I totally think I'm going to write that)

Anyway.  I asked someone that I have long admired and someone who (in the back of my mind I've held in the fantasy position of friend and father-anyway) has recently shown such amazing courage and strength to fill the role of father to me.  I'll be honest, I expected a "Thank you but no thanks" from him or an "I'm flattered but I don't feel comfortable with that."  I got an "I'm honored that you asked and I'm honored to accept."

Yeah, I cried.

Then today, an amazing "day after" my birthday, he listed me as his son.

That's right, his son.

I almost cried again.

I recently told someone that yes I think that my life is turning around for the better.  Not just because I'm living my truth and I believe that the universe, the gods, God, Allah, Krishnu, whomever you serve, honors you and blesses you when you're living your truth, but because now when life throws crap and heartache my way (and bad things will happen, it's life people, I don't live in delusions....except where it concerns John Barrowman and Shemar Moore-*shiver of delight*), I'll have people to help me back up.  I have people who are standing in front of me and taking the brunt of the hit.

I have have a dad, moms, older brothers and sisters, younger brothers and sisters, a Nieceling and Nephrew who are surrounding me and loving me and supporting me and telling life and the hatred and the discrimination and the transphobics and the homophobics and the racists and the hellish and shittiest aspects of life that they can't have me, that they can't get to me.

I've always been the warrior, the one who protected those that I cared about, it's so nice to have people to do that for me (even if I protest that I need it).

And honestly, that's the greatest present that I got yesterday.



ETA: I FORGOT the pictures!!  LOL.  Here they are:

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I turned 28 today.

I feel like I'm turning 16.


Because this is the first year where I'm having a celebration as myself.  As Vic.  The first time since I was 15 that I'm not an afterthought or forgotten or where my birthday is having to take a backseat to someone else's celebration.

This is the first year that I feel really and truly loved and supported and it's an amazing thing.

Even in the midst of all of the hell and drama and turmoil that is currently rocking the online M/M community (which I will not discuss), I am surrounded by family.  The family of my choosing.  A family that knows me, supports me anyway, and encourages me to continue to live my truth.

A family where every member wrote to me ahead of time to either wish me Happy Birthday ahead of time, to ask me what I wanted for my birthday (what?! You mean you WANT to give me a present?!), to tell me how proud of me they are, how much they support me and how they want me to keep pushing forward and how they would do anything for me.

This is the first year that I'm not having to force myself or remind myself that I have to be a "girl" in order to please my family.  This is the first year that I won't be calling my friends to come and take me out so I can self-medicate with alcohol over the fact that I had to force myself to be a girl all day long.  This is the first year, of many years to come, where the smile on my face will be genuine and I'll be surrounded by love and affection and support.

This year is the first year, the first birthday, of the rest of my life and it is delicious.

I couldn't ask for a better family if I tried.

So to my mothers:
            Stephani Hecht
            NJ Nielsen
To my older brothers:
            Damon Suede
             Brendan (Sid)
To my older sisters:
            MJ O'Shea
            Piper Vaughn
            Cherie Noel
            Taylor Donovan
            LC Chase
            Heidi Cullinan
            Xara X Xanakas
To my younger brothers:
            Thorny-TTBB (and his Jazz)
To the awesomest Nieceling and Nephrew ever!
To my younger sister:
To my aunts:
            Embry Carlysle
            Anne Tenino
And to countless friends and supporters and my special English sweethearts:
            Bryl Tyne
            DC Juris
            Daniel Kaine
            Ellis Carrington
            Devon Rhodes
            Gabrielle Evans
            Joyee Flynn
            TA Chase
            Stormy Glenn
            Ethan Day
            Shae Connor
And anyone else that I forgot:

 Thank You All So Much! You are the GREATEST Family a gay boy like me could ever ask for!



Monday, November 14, 2011

Ready/Set roMANance: Why I write

One of my new adopted aunts, author Embry Carlysle or as she's known to me "Auntie Em", wrote this blog. It's so beautiful and it puts things in perspective and instills hope. So you know I love to "pimp" blogs, allow me to pimp this one. And read this post, because it's awesome and not because I'm the "nephew" that she mentions at the end. LOL.


Ready/Set roMANance: Why I write: I debated for many days over whether to mention on here the bruhaha on Goodreads. I realized it would be a moot point as that ship has sail...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Laid Up

I'm laid up in bed right now because I sprained my ankle yesterday.

Fun for me.

So I'm going to spend the day writing and playing the Sims 3.

BTW, my birthday is Wednesday, just FYI.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I Feel Pretty, and Witty, and GAY!!! & Happy Feet 2

So here in my new adopted family it is not unheard of for one of us to break out into a random song....okay, okay, it's usually me.

The other day, however, the Nieceling let me know that if I was going to break out into song that I HAD to sing:

I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!!

It was hilarious and we all laughed really hard, but that night when I went to bed I had to be honest with myself.

I feel plenty witty.  I'm an author, so wittiness is like a pre-requisite.

I also feel plenty gay.  I mean...DUH!  And being here in NY there seems to be a bountiful amount of beautiful gay boys for me to flirt with.

It's that pretty thing that chokes me up.

You see, I can't remember the last time I actually looked at myself in the mirror.  I pretty much make it a point NOT to do so.

I know you're wondering why.

Because in my head, I'm Vic, but physically I'm still Vee and it's heartbreaking for me.  I hate looking in the mirror and expecting to see a man but only seeing a female.  As a matter of fact, I've but my hair twice in the last month, it's now to the middle of my cheeks and today was the first day that someone said to me "Excuse me sir."  I grinned so wide when that happened.

But you know what?  I still don't look in the mirror.  I avoid them with extreme fervor and that's nothing on going out in public and having to use the restroom and having to force myself to go into the women's bathroom because I don't want to cause a problem.

But today I went out with the Nieceling and my older adopted sister to see a free prescreen of Happy Feet 2 and I was blown away by how awesome this movie is.  The story line was excellent, but the lessons that ran rampant through the whole movie was even more amazing (there is even a gay couple in the movie.  Will and Bill Krill. Bill: "We can have our own swarm"  Will: "We're both men."  Bill: "We can adopt.").

Realizing that everyone is different but that means that everyone is special.  That sometimes people will pick on your differences but that you have to find that something strong inside of you that will help you to stand up in the face of that bullying (think: "It Gets Better.").  But the greatest lesson: The very thing that makes you different and special, makes you beautiful and gives you the strength and power that you need to overcome any obstacle and any challenge.

And I wish I could tell you that I came home and stared at myself in the mirror and told myself that I'm a pretty gay boy, but I'd be lying and you all know I'm very brutally honest, especially with myself.

No, I still can't really face that reflection that doesn't show what I feel and see on the inside, but I can tell you that I have realized that the very thing that made my family turn their backs on me, the very thing that made me lose friends, the very thing that drove me to move all the way from Florida to New York, is the very thing that makes me special, that makes me different.

It's the very thing that makes me beautiful.

And one day I'm going to be able to face my image and see Vic and not some strange mixture of Vic & Vee or just Vee and I'm going to smile broadly, square my shoulders and sing at the top of my lungs:


And I'm going to mean it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the
United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Happy Veteran's Day to the rest of my veterans out there.  And if you're not a veteran but know a veteran, then today, thank them for their sacrifice, whether you agree with it or not, because unless we all put our lives on the line for the freedoms of others.


PFC V.V.B.-Delta Company


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Nieceling and the Flat Puppies

So since moving to Buffalo, NY with my adopted big sister the "flat puppies" or what's known as "plot bunnies" to other authors, have been flying around the apartment smacking both my adopted sister (who's a published author) and myself in the head.

Most of them are being thrown around by my nieceling and I've been catching them and writing up a storm.

I've started on a series entitled:  The Last Men on Earth that's in addition to The Virgin Special Forces series that I'm dedicating to Matt and Brad of the blog 2 Boys In Love.  There's the stand alone books: Light the WayAn Agean Task, and Not a Second.

You'd think that's be enough, but beyond those, there's the other 13 stand alone books, then the other six series that I'm writing (Can you say: That's a LOT Vic!).

Ahhh but you brain has said that that's not enough because The Nieceling inspired 2 single title YA books: My Best Friend Shay, Friends Like Mine (which turns into a series but the last two books are 18+), and then there is the Sacred Duets series for YA.

Yep, I think I'm pretty much set as far as writing goes for the next few years.

But can I say how wonderfully exciting that is?  Because I can write here and the inspiration is just all over the place, the apartment is littered with "flat puppies," but it's all good because the more inspiration, the more books I write, the more books you all get to read.



I have talked to Thorny. He is fine. Alive and well and he thanks you all for your concern and continued support

I will take any comments of support and encouragement and share them with him, but anything outside of said support and encouragement  keep to yourself, please.  

Follow the Golden Rule, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or if you can't manage that, at least keep your ugliness to yourself.   And since no one is perfect no one should be judging anyone, cause trust me, if folks start flinging rocks around, everybody's house has at least an little glass in it, and the rocks really don't give a rip whose glass they are breaking.  That's all I have to say about that.  Have a good day all!


Vic/V. Vee 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Hanging Out With the Nieceling

So yesterday I hung out with my new "nieceling".  That is my adopted big sister's daughter.

My family is awesome.

So anyway, yesterday I totally hung out with "The Nieceling". We played Monopoly City, where she almost beat me, but I ended up winning in the end (Yay for Vic!).  Say what you will.  She's 12 and she beat me in UNO the night before...twice.

So after we played Monopoly City we watched Nanny McPhee returns and cooked together.

It was super fun.

I gave her a recipe for steak and then supervised her as she cooked them.  Then she made salad to go with it.

The steak was so good that her mom and I couldn't stop gushing over how good it was.

It totally made her day.

By the time we all went to bed, or at least headed off in that direction, she was beaming and felt so proud of herself and we both were very proud of her.

And before she went to bed she looks at me and said, "Thank you Uncle Vic."

I almost cried.

So this morning we're having waffles and hanging out again and all I can keep thinking is how thankful I am for my new family.  Because to them I am "Little Brother Vic" or "Big Brother Vic" or "Son Vic" or (most touching of all) "Uncle Vic" and that makes MY day.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Babes In Boyland and Damon Suede

Heya All!!  My Sisters: MJ O'Shea and Piper Vaughn are having ANOTHER contest, this time you have the opportunity to win a free copy of my gorgeous older brother Damon Suede's new book "Grown Men" and some wonderful swag!

*Sighs* Mmmmm....swag.....

So here's the link:

And if you're on Twitter and not following them, you should be (and you should be following ME on Twitter as well).

Here's to the winner!  Their last contest my little brothers: Matt & Brad won (claps for the boys and glares at them at the same time) which means, no winning for them THIS TIME.  Just kidding.

Everyone go and sign up and follow their blog as well.  You should already be doing that.

And buy their books.

I'm just saying.



Friday, November 4, 2011

New Blog Name and New Blog Address

So in light of me living my truth and seeing myself as Vic today and in light of me meeting so many people that are helping me in this process of transitioning and stuff I've decided to change my blog name and the blog address.

It's gone from:  & The Passionate Caresses of Veronica Victorian

To: & Call Me Vic

So that's the new information.  Just so you're aware!  I'm hoping that you will all be transferred over, but this is the information, just in case.

{Hugz and Squeezes and Fist Bumps}