Seeing Vic

Every morning I meditate.

I wake up, wipe my face, and if I've had a really good dream, I wipe the drool from my chin, and then I sit up.  I usually take a few breaths and try to place myself.

Where am I?  Who is with me?

After I've placed myself I get up and open the blinds so that I can meditate.

Meditating is something that my therapists and doctors suggested that I do in order to center and ground myself, to calm my mind and to prepare myself for the day.  Usually I play some music.  Enya or something.  The past two days I haven't played any music and this morning I am so happy that I didn't.  It would have ruined the amazing thing that happened.

When I meditate I'm pushing out all of the bad thoughts, the echoes of my "biological connections" that are telling me that I'm ugly or that I'm an abomination, that "the devil" is going to "tear me apart," and any other bad words or things that happened to me.  When I meditate I'm thinking about all the good things about me, I think about the positive things that have been said to me, I think about the people who love me and support me.

Towards the end of my meditation my therapist, Dr. Z, told me to picture myself.  He said as I grow more comfortable with myself, as I accept myself more then my image will become clearer and less hazy and disjointed and warped.

Yesterday, I was a hazy mixture of Veronica and Vicktor.  I felt like the Phantom or Two-Face from the Batman comics.  And while yesterday was a good day, I still felt...off.

Today, however, as I finished my meditation I saw my hair as it is now, cut to just below my chin, dyed black, I saw my eyebrows a little bushier, but still sculpted (b/c I'm not a fucking animal people-LOL), I saw my eyes, behind my stylish glasses.  I saw my nose, then I saw my lips, surrounded by a very nicely sculpted black goatee.  I saw my masculine chin, I saw my chest, muscled, my arms muscled, I saw my firm pecs, I saw my abs and as I pulled away from the image of myself, I saw me.  I saw Vic.  In all of my masculine glory, in my meditation pose.

I saw a man, clear and smiling.

I felt at peace, I felt support and love surrounding me.  And it made me want to cry.  And it made me feel amazing and I thought of all of you who are always supporting me and encouraging me.  And I wanted to let you know that this morning?  I saw Vic.  I embraced him and realized that that is who I am.  I exalted in that image of me.  I now know what I should have looked like had biology and gender synced up properly.  I celebrated myself.  And I shared it with my adopted big sister who so graciously took me in and she cheered with me.

Today is a mahvelous day, because today I saw myself and myself is gorgeous.