I Feel Pretty, and Witty, and GAY!!! & Happy Feet 2

So here in my new adopted family it is not unheard of for one of us to break out into a random song....okay, okay, it's usually me.

The other day, however, the Nieceling let me know that if I was going to break out into song that I HAD to sing:

I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!!

It was hilarious and we all laughed really hard, but that night when I went to bed I had to be honest with myself.

I feel plenty witty.  I'm an author, so wittiness is like a pre-requisite.

I also feel plenty gay.  I mean...DUH!  And being here in NY there seems to be a bountiful amount of beautiful gay boys for me to flirt with.

It's that pretty thing that chokes me up.

You see, I can't remember the last time I actually looked at myself in the mirror.  I pretty much make it a point NOT to do so.

I know you're wondering why.

Because in my head, I'm Vic, but physically I'm still Vee and it's heartbreaking for me.  I hate looking in the mirror and expecting to see a man but only seeing a female.  As a matter of fact, I've but my hair twice in the last month, it's now to the middle of my cheeks and today was the first day that someone said to me "Excuse me sir."  I grinned so wide when that happened.

But you know what?  I still don't look in the mirror.  I avoid them with extreme fervor and that's nothing on going out in public and having to use the restroom and having to force myself to go into the women's bathroom because I don't want to cause a problem.

But today I went out with the Nieceling and my older adopted sister to see a free prescreen of Happy Feet 2 and I was blown away by how awesome this movie is.  The story line was excellent, but the lessons that ran rampant through the whole movie was even more amazing (there is even a gay couple in the movie.  Will and Bill Krill. Bill: "We can have our own swarm"  Will: "We're both men."  Bill: "We can adopt.").

Realizing that everyone is different but that means that everyone is special.  That sometimes people will pick on your differences but that you have to find that something strong inside of you that will help you to stand up in the face of that bullying (think: "It Gets Better.").  But the greatest lesson: The very thing that makes you different and special, makes you beautiful and gives you the strength and power that you need to overcome any obstacle and any challenge.

And I wish I could tell you that I came home and stared at myself in the mirror and told myself that I'm a pretty gay boy, but I'd be lying and you all know I'm very brutally honest, especially with myself.

No, I still can't really face that reflection that doesn't show what I feel and see on the inside, but I can tell you that I have realized that the very thing that made my family turn their backs on me, the very thing that made me lose friends, the very thing that drove me to move all the way from Florida to New York, is the very thing that makes me special, that makes me different.

It's the very thing that makes me beautiful.

And one day I'm going to be able to face my image and see Vic and not some strange mixture of Vic & Vee or just Vee and I'm going to smile broadly, square my shoulders and sing at the top of my lungs:

I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY, AND WITTY AND GAY!!!

And I'm going to mean it.

Seeing Vic

Every morning I meditate.

I wake up, wipe my face, and if I've had a really good dream, I wipe the drool from my chin, and then I sit up.  I usually take a few breaths and try to place myself.

Where am I?  Who is with me?

After I've placed myself I get up and open the blinds so that I can meditate.

Meditating is something that my therapists and doctors suggested that I do in order to center and ground myself, to calm my mind and to prepare myself for the day.  Usually I play some music.  Enya or something.  The past two days I haven't played any music and this morning I am so happy that I didn't.  It would have ruined the amazing thing that happened.

When I meditate I'm pushing out all of the bad thoughts, the echoes of my "biological connections" that are telling me that I'm ugly or that I'm an abomination, that "the devil" is going to "tear me apart," and any other bad words or things that happened to me.  When I meditate I'm thinking about all the good things about me, I think about the positive things that have been said to me, I think about the people who love me and support me.

Towards the end of my meditation my therapist, Dr. Z, told me to picture myself.  He said as I grow more comfortable with myself, as I accept myself more then my image will become clearer and less hazy and disjointed and warped.

Yesterday, I was a hazy mixture of Veronica and Vicktor.  I felt like the Phantom or Two-Face from the Batman comics.  And while yesterday was a good day, I still felt...off.

Today, however, as I finished my meditation I saw my hair as it is now, cut to just below my chin, dyed black, I saw my eyebrows a little bushier, but still sculpted (b/c I'm not a fucking animal people-LOL), I saw my eyes, behind my stylish glasses.  I saw my nose, then I saw my lips, surrounded by a very nicely sculpted black goatee.  I saw my masculine chin, I saw my chest, muscled, my arms muscled, I saw my firm pecs, I saw my abs and as I pulled away from the image of myself, I saw me.  I saw Vic.  In all of my masculine glory, in my meditation pose.

I saw a man, clear and smiling.

I felt at peace, I felt support and love surrounding me.  And it made me want to cry.  And it made me feel amazing and I thought of all of you who are always supporting me and encouraging me.  And I wanted to let you know that this morning?  I saw Vic.  I embraced him and realized that that is who I am.  I exalted in that image of me.  I now know what I should have looked like had biology and gender synced up properly.  I celebrated myself.  And I shared it with my adopted big sister who so graciously took me in and she cheered with me.

Today is a mahvelous day, because today I saw myself and myself is gorgeous.