Seeing Vic

Every morning I meditate.

I wake up, wipe my face, and if I've had a really good dream, I wipe the drool from my chin, and then I sit up.  I usually take a few breaths and try to place myself.

Where am I?  Who is with me?

After I've placed myself I get up and open the blinds so that I can meditate.

Meditating is something that my therapists and doctors suggested that I do in order to center and ground myself, to calm my mind and to prepare myself for the day.  Usually I play some music.  Enya or something.  The past two days I haven't played any music and this morning I am so happy that I didn't.  It would have ruined the amazing thing that happened.

When I meditate I'm pushing out all of the bad thoughts, the echoes of my "biological connections" that are telling me that I'm ugly or that I'm an abomination, that "the devil" is going to "tear me apart," and any other bad words or things that happened to me.  When I meditate I'm thinking about all the good things about me, I think about the positive things that have been said to me, I think about the people who love me and support me.

Towards the end of my meditation my therapist, Dr. Z, told me to picture myself.  He said as I grow more comfortable with myself, as I accept myself more then my image will become clearer and less hazy and disjointed and warped.

Yesterday, I was a hazy mixture of Veronica and Vicktor.  I felt like the Phantom or Two-Face from the Batman comics.  And while yesterday was a good day, I still felt...off.

Today, however, as I finished my meditation I saw my hair as it is now, cut to just below my chin, dyed black, I saw my eyebrows a little bushier, but still sculpted (b/c I'm not a fucking animal people-LOL), I saw my eyes, behind my stylish glasses.  I saw my nose, then I saw my lips, surrounded by a very nicely sculpted black goatee.  I saw my masculine chin, I saw my chest, muscled, my arms muscled, I saw my firm pecs, I saw my abs and as I pulled away from the image of myself, I saw me.  I saw Vic.  In all of my masculine glory, in my meditation pose.

I saw a man, clear and smiling.

I felt at peace, I felt support and love surrounding me.  And it made me want to cry.  And it made me feel amazing and I thought of all of you who are always supporting me and encouraging me.  And I wanted to let you know that this morning?  I saw Vic.  I embraced him and realized that that is who I am.  I exalted in that image of me.  I now know what I should have looked like had biology and gender synced up properly.  I celebrated myself.  And I shared it with my adopted big sister who so graciously took me in and she cheered with me.

Today is a mahvelous day, because today I saw myself and myself is gorgeous.

My Major Flaw

I am a very flawed individual.

You know it, I know it, my parents know it, hell even the government knows it.  I haven't tried to hide it and I have no problem shining a light on those flaws and uncertainties and and my weaknesses.

It's what makes me so approachable and lovable....I think.

Anyway, my major flaw is how unbearably clingy I can be.

I'm serious.

It's like a real sickness.  I'm not like a "You can't spend time with anyone but me," but I definitely have these moments of "Why aren't you talking to me?  Don't you like me anymore?  What did I do wrong?" if a few days go by and I haven't heard from you but I've written you.

The biggest issue is that you'll NEVER know that I'm having these thoughts, these doubts about my importance to you, that you actually like me or want to know me or hang with me or whatever.  I talked to my doctor about it yesterday and he just gets this really serious look on his face and says: "Well Vic (he calls me Vic-*sigh*-it's why I love him), why do YOU think you have these fears, these insecurities and doubts of your worth to others?"

Damn doctor.

That's how they work.  They get you to "fix" yourself.  If I could do that why am I having the government pay you all of this money to do it for me?  LOL.

Anyway, so I answer the doctor with a "Um..probably because of my parents."  Then we get into that whole issue.

I grew up knowing that if I did that one big thing that my parents didn't approve of that I'd be disowned.  So for most of my life I played the part of the perfect daughter while doing all of my dirt on the side.  When I realized that I was getting caught anyway and they were getting all upset over it, I stopped trying to hide most of it and was very outspoken and upfront about it.

Almost all of it.

When I came out I knew that I was going to lose people, I expected my parents to disown me, I hoped that they wouldn't, but I expected it.  I figured a few of my "Christian friends" would stop talking to me.  I hoped that they wouldn't, but I prepared myself for when they did.  I wasn't expecting the whole extreme condemnation, but again, not too much of a shock there.

However, when people who initially supported me then turn around and stop supporting me or stop talking to me or just ignore me completely?  Well, those old insecurities and fears pop back up.

What did I do wrong?  How can I make it better?  Am I being too suffocating?  Too clingy?  Too...whatever.  So then it becomes the whole "Maybe I shouldn't have come out,  maybe I shouldn't be making this decision, this major life choice.  I should just stay female, stay a straight female and be miserable."

Yes, one tap of doubt and the whole house of cards can come tumbling down.

So anyway, I've been like this, my whole life I guess.  I second guess almost everything.  Oh, I'm blunt and I'm honest (brutally so), but I doubt myself the whole time after it's over.  Before every email I bite my lip, chew my thumb nail but send it without making changes, and then I sit and wonder if I can get the email back.

So when I'm writing a book I'm like 10 times worse and then when it comes to a relationship or a friendship? *Rolls eyes* Well, let's just say I get on my OWN nerves.

The thing is, I know I need reassurance, I'm not fishing for compliments because I'm vain or because I have a major pride or arrogance issue, I need reassurance because hell, I was ignored growing up.  I was punished for things that weren't my fault, berated, criticized and insulted by my own father and had my mother play a very passive role in letting it happen.  And I know that at 27 these things shouldn't still be affecting me, but they do.

You see, my father's voice has become my own and I have to actively silence the doubts in my own head about myself.  And no, I don't need to be reassured that I'm like or loved or beautiful or talented everyday, because it loses its sincerity after a while and it becomes extremely draining.  Trust me I know because I do that for others.  But I think that's why I need it.

I play the part of the supporter, the encourager, the uplifter.  It's something I love doing and I do it well.  But you know what?  When I'm supporting someone I stupidly think that they're going to support me in return.  Some of them do.  A lot of them do.  And I learn who I can turn to when I need that boost of confidence, who's going to cheer me on from the sidelines and I go to them for that, but then that paranoia comes back and it's like am I annoying them?  Asking them to encourage me too much?  Am I draining them?

*Sigh*

So most of the time, I don't ask and I don't share and I won't come to you and ask you if I've done something to annoy you or bother you or if you're mad at me, I'll just bow out gracefully.  Maybe not the most mature thing.  Maybe not the best thing to do, but I don't even want to bother you by asking you if I'm bothering you, because won't that just bother you?  (Could you follow that?)

Once in a blue moon I'll ask someone if they're mad at me when I haven't heard from them in a while and usually once I do that I stress so much about it that I have to walk away from my computer or my phone.  It's not a great way to be and yes, it sort of makes me feel crazy (although my doctor assured me that I'm not.  "It's perfectly normal for someone who has been through what you've been through to feel this way").  But, that's just it, I'd have to explain everything I've been through to everyone that I get close to so that they'd understand those moments when I tell them "You probably won't hear from me for like two days, I need to just be by myself" or when I ask "Am I bothering you too much?  Being too smothering?  Too stalkerish/crazy person?"  But usually when they hear what I've been through they can't handle it and they walk away.

It's a damn cache-22.

So, I take to my blog, I tell those who I know suffer through the same insecurities, the same fears, the same paranoias and I let them ease that fear or give me advice: "Just ask him."  "Just text her and see."  "Vee, you're not crazy, you're a caring supportive person, you just want to continue to be that way and if you weren't a caring and supportive person then you wouldn't care about if you were smothering or annoying someone."

*Sigh*

It's a flaw, a major, annoying flaw, that need for reassurance, for someone, anyone to give a damn, to care and then to pretend as if I don't need it.  To ignore my brain and my heart yelling for me to make sure that I haven't crossed a line or to make sure that I'm not being too pushy.  To go on like nothing's wrong and that it doesn't kill me or tear my heart to shreds when an email from me goes unanswered for a week or two but others are being responded to.  When a voicemail from me gets deleted or a call gets ignored from my cell number but you answer someone else's.  And yes, if I were talking to someone else, I'd be all like "Just ask them what's going on.  I'm sure there's an explanation, they wouldn't just stop talking to you or ignoring you, you're an awesome person and they're a total jackass if they don't see that."  But that's me talking to you, giving you truth.

I don't necessarily feel that way about myself.

So I was talking on messenger with Kate and on the phone with Jack and I'm telling them both about this insecurity I'm having and about how I'm so unsure about whether or not to ask or talk to this person and how I really just need to get this whole, this is me, take it or leave it, I'm an insecure, selfless, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic bitch thing off my chest and Kate tells me to message the person.

Jack tells me to write a blog...and message this person.

So I did both.

So yes, I am insecure, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic, selfless bitch who will forever be independent and do things for myself but will silently be screaming for reassurance and love and caring and encouragement.

That's just me.