Friday, September 16, 2011

My Major Flaw

I am a very flawed individual.

You know it, I know it, my parents know it, hell even the government knows it.  I haven't tried to hide it and I have no problem shining a light on those flaws and uncertainties and and my weaknesses.

It's what makes me so approachable and lovable....I think.

Anyway, my major flaw is how unbearably clingy I can be.

I'm serious.

It's like a real sickness.  I'm not like a "You can't spend time with anyone but me," but I definitely have these moments of "Why aren't you talking to me?  Don't you like me anymore?  What did I do wrong?" if a few days go by and I haven't heard from you but I've written you.

The biggest issue is that you'll NEVER know that I'm having these thoughts, these doubts about my importance to you, that you actually like me or want to know me or hang with me or whatever.  I talked to my doctor about it yesterday and he just gets this really serious look on his face and says: "Well Vic (he calls me Vic-*sigh*-it's why I love him), why do YOU think you have these fears, these insecurities and doubts of your worth to others?"

Damn doctor.

That's how they work.  They get you to "fix" yourself.  If I could do that why am I having the government pay you all of this money to do it for me?  LOL.

Anyway, so I answer the doctor with a "Um..probably because of my parents."  Then we get into that whole issue.

I grew up knowing that if I did that one big thing that my parents didn't approve of that I'd be disowned.  So for most of my life I played the part of the perfect daughter while doing all of my dirt on the side.  When I realized that I was getting caught anyway and they were getting all upset over it, I stopped trying to hide most of it and was very outspoken and upfront about it.

Almost all of it.

When I came out I knew that I was going to lose people, I expected my parents to disown me, I hoped that they wouldn't, but I expected it.  I figured a few of my "Christian friends" would stop talking to me.  I hoped that they wouldn't, but I prepared myself for when they did.  I wasn't expecting the whole extreme condemnation, but again, not too much of a shock there.

However, when people who initially supported me then turn around and stop supporting me or stop talking to me or just ignore me completely?  Well, those old insecurities and fears pop back up.

What did I do wrong?  How can I make it better?  Am I being too suffocating?  Too clingy?  Too...whatever.  So then it becomes the whole "Maybe I shouldn't have come out,  maybe I shouldn't be making this decision, this major life choice.  I should just stay female, stay a straight female and be miserable."

Yes, one tap of doubt and the whole house of cards can come tumbling down.

So anyway, I've been like this, my whole life I guess.  I second guess almost everything.  Oh, I'm blunt and I'm honest (brutally so), but I doubt myself the whole time after it's over.  Before every email I bite my lip, chew my thumb nail but send it without making changes, and then I sit and wonder if I can get the email back.

So when I'm writing a book I'm like 10 times worse and then when it comes to a relationship or a friendship? *Rolls eyes* Well, let's just say I get on my OWN nerves.

The thing is, I know I need reassurance, I'm not fishing for compliments because I'm vain or because I have a major pride or arrogance issue, I need reassurance because hell, I was ignored growing up.  I was punished for things that weren't my fault, berated, criticized and insulted by my own father and had my mother play a very passive role in letting it happen.  And I know that at 27 these things shouldn't still be affecting me, but they do.

You see, my father's voice has become my own and I have to actively silence the doubts in my own head about myself.  And no, I don't need to be reassured that I'm like or loved or beautiful or talented everyday, because it loses its sincerity after a while and it becomes extremely draining.  Trust me I know because I do that for others.  But I think that's why I need it.

I play the part of the supporter, the encourager, the uplifter.  It's something I love doing and I do it well.  But you know what?  When I'm supporting someone I stupidly think that they're going to support me in return.  Some of them do.  A lot of them do.  And I learn who I can turn to when I need that boost of confidence, who's going to cheer me on from the sidelines and I go to them for that, but then that paranoia comes back and it's like am I annoying them?  Asking them to encourage me too much?  Am I draining them?


So most of the time, I don't ask and I don't share and I won't come to you and ask you if I've done something to annoy you or bother you or if you're mad at me, I'll just bow out gracefully.  Maybe not the most mature thing.  Maybe not the best thing to do, but I don't even want to bother you by asking you if I'm bothering you, because won't that just bother you?  (Could you follow that?)

Once in a blue moon I'll ask someone if they're mad at me when I haven't heard from them in a while and usually once I do that I stress so much about it that I have to walk away from my computer or my phone.  It's not a great way to be and yes, it sort of makes me feel crazy (although my doctor assured me that I'm not.  "It's perfectly normal for someone who has been through what you've been through to feel this way").  But, that's just it, I'd have to explain everything I've been through to everyone that I get close to so that they'd understand those moments when I tell them "You probably won't hear from me for like two days, I need to just be by myself" or when I ask "Am I bothering you too much?  Being too smothering?  Too stalkerish/crazy person?"  But usually when they hear what I've been through they can't handle it and they walk away.

It's a damn cache-22.

So, I take to my blog, I tell those who I know suffer through the same insecurities, the same fears, the same paranoias and I let them ease that fear or give me advice: "Just ask him."  "Just text her and see."  "Vee, you're not crazy, you're a caring supportive person, you just want to continue to be that way and if you weren't a caring and supportive person then you wouldn't care about if you were smothering or annoying someone."


It's a flaw, a major, annoying flaw, that need for reassurance, for someone, anyone to give a damn, to care and then to pretend as if I don't need it.  To ignore my brain and my heart yelling for me to make sure that I haven't crossed a line or to make sure that I'm not being too pushy.  To go on like nothing's wrong and that it doesn't kill me or tear my heart to shreds when an email from me goes unanswered for a week or two but others are being responded to.  When a voicemail from me gets deleted or a call gets ignored from my cell number but you answer someone else's.  And yes, if I were talking to someone else, I'd be all like "Just ask them what's going on.  I'm sure there's an explanation, they wouldn't just stop talking to you or ignoring you, you're an awesome person and they're a total jackass if they don't see that."  But that's me talking to you, giving you truth.

I don't necessarily feel that way about myself.

So I was talking on messenger with Kate and on the phone with Jack and I'm telling them both about this insecurity I'm having and about how I'm so unsure about whether or not to ask or talk to this person and how I really just need to get this whole, this is me, take it or leave it, I'm an insecure, selfless, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic bitch thing off my chest and Kate tells me to message the person.

Jack tells me to write a blog...and message this person.

So I did both.

So yes, I am insecure, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic, selfless bitch who will forever be independent and do things for myself but will silently be screaming for reassurance and love and caring and encouragement.

That's just me.


  1. ~Hugs you tightly and squeezes~ You Big Sis are amazing and you know something you my dear need to stop beating yourself up. We all love you hell I love you wish I could meet you in person and that's saying a lot because I don't feel that way about to many people. I have the same nagging sometimes about if I am annoying people and being to clingy. I learned that you can never be to clingy if you are nagging yourself about it constantly.

    Now to say this. Supporting you makes me feel like I am making you smile at least for a little while. I want you to know that no matter how clingy you are with me you are not annoying me! Not one little bit hunny. Besides if I didn't have you in my life I'd probably become very annoying!

  2. *Sigh* I will try. It's really all I can promise. LOL. I've got about 27 years of practice at this, it's slow work trying to change that. I'm glad that you feel that way and thank you for supporting me. I really do appreciate it.

  3. I know you do and I appreciate the support from you as well Vee. You see that is what some people call a mutual supportive team effort. Two or more people involved. Let's see there is Kate, You and Jack on your supportive team and then for me there are You, Sid and my partners ~Spins softly and lands in a bunch of leaves~ We have a support system that is amazing and doesn't quit and I know you have a few more for your team hehe. You see Sis we're both liked or well loved. We gain the support we need even if we get clingy a lot of the time.

  4. It's hard to do, to push yourself forward, into a place you may not be wanted.

    In this respect, life remains like high school.

    "Can I sit at your lunch table?" is just as hard to ask as "Will you go to the prom with me?"

    It takes courage to face rejection, making that step, asking Are you mad, or what did I do, - it all equates to do you still like me?

    And sometimes the answer isn't what we want to hear. I hope your friend reaches out to you soon.

  5. @Lucy/Kat you are right again. *Rolls eyes* You should really stop doing that. LOL.

    @LB: You are SO right, it is like high school....or for me middle school, because in high school I was such a badass I used to just sit at people's table like I didn't care and in college I usually ate in my dorm. I guess it all does come down to that fear of rejection. *Sigh* My stupid therapist was right. Gah! LOL. And thank you for that. He actually did write me back after I had to suck it up and ask if he was mad at me. He apologized and everything. It makes me feel better but now I have to get over that whole "You sounded so pathetic having to ask him that" thing. I can never satisfy myself....well, mentally anyway. *naughty grin* LOL.

  6. So, I sent a msg and the whole time I was sending it, I keep this thought in my head: just because the message is not received, doesn't mean it's not worth sending. Whether there's a response is up to the other person. Other than putting yourself out there there really isn't anything else you know.

    The loving are the daring...and you VV are damn daring.

  7. Thanks Luci!! I'll write more when I don't have Jack breathing down my neck all impatient like (he's cute but an impatient bastard! Gggrr).

  8. {hugs you tight} So, you need reassurance - why not, everybody needs that... You are clingy, so be it because it makes you loveable, you are brutally honest - that's fine because you are a great person cause you are telling the truth.... Vic you are awesome because of all these things you are. You may be protective, possessive, loyal to a fault, even insecure and a million other things - and that's the reason why we love you.
    Honey, you are great and if you weren't here I would miss you so much. Everyday I read your blog or get a message from you makes it a better day, gives me hope, makes me laugh, smile, snicker or just blush... You are a wonderful, caring person - and those who can't see that, those who belittle you or laugh at you or make you unloved or unwanted, they so do not deserve you and I really just want to kick their asses! I want to yell at them "just look, see how awesome Vic is, that's a reason to love her, cause I do".
    So, please, please don't let them pull you down and make you fell bad. *hugs and squeezes tight*

  9. You're a Scorpio, aren't you? Because that "say (write) something and then torture yourself" thing is so Scorpio. We obsess about hurt feelings, both our own and others, long after everyone else has let them go. Even imaginary hurt feelings, when we think we might have upset someone else, and they're really just busy and never even noticed.

    And I have the same problem with non-supportive friends. You go out of your way to help them when they need it, because more than anything that's what you want other people to do for you. But somehow, when you need the help, they aren't there.

    I think, and this is a new theory so it probably needs work, it's like we're magnets. We're putting out a certain kind of vibe into the universe, and that's what we attract. We want support, so we attract people who want to be supported. When we try to flip the polarity, to receive support, those people are repelled.

    Told you it was rough, but it kind of makes sense. If you squint a little bit.

    I think what we have to do is change what you're putting out there, to attract different kinds of people into your life. At this point it gets pretty woo woo and power of positive thinking. I haven't quite figured out how to do it in my own life. But I think this is where we're both trying to go, in our own different ways. You change what's happening on the inside first, and then the outside follows.

  10. Katharina, what you said made me tear up a little. Thank you so much! You are so incredibly sweet and thank you for encouragement the constant hugs. Just everything, you are so amazingly sweet to me and I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I really, really appreciate you. Thank you again! {HUGZ AND SQUEEZES}

    Becky, Yes, you are right I am a Scorpio and man have you got me pegged!! And I like your theory, it was actually really good and made a lot of sense. And I even like your solution. Now I just have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. Thank you!!


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