Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Some Title.... (Vic Speaks)

I am a writer.  I write.  I create situations and characters and scenarios that are woven together to make a beautiful story, but I can't even BEGIN to think of what to name this post.

Today I had to take my sister to school.  This is my baby sister, the one who just started college, not the one who graduated from college.  So I dropped her off, waited to make sure that she got to her classroom safely and then I went to leave.  I was in full on Vic mode today.  Jeans, T-shirt, I had on my strap-on, my Boston Red Sox baseball cap and my shades.  I was looking pretty damn sexy.  So I went to take off when these two really tall, really sexy guys stepped out in front of the car.  I slammed on brakes and just sort of looked at them in shock.  Didn't they see me driving?  So I put the car in park and got out of the car (I regretted how fast I got out as soon as my feet touched the ground, I'd left my cane on the backseat).

"What the hell?  Didn't you guys see me driving?  I don't discriminate on who I will hit, this isn't a crosswalk, a sidewalk or a pedestrian crossing, it's the parking lot which means if you're walking you have to watch out for cars, jackasses!"  Not my finest moment, but I was shaking a little from fear, having a flashback from 7 years ago when I saw the old man get hit by a car and then run over by a car behind us while Christopher and I were driving.

"Sorry," the shorter of the two guys says.  He looks like a football player, with his thick neck, brown hair, square chin, hugely muscled frame and his big hands.  I know that my strap-on is plastic, but I promise you, I got an hardcore.  More than that my "gaydar" was going off something fierce.

"It's alright," my voice instantly changed from angry motorist to "smooth Vic."  My voice is naturally husky because I'm a singer in addition to everything else and when I slide into my "Vic" voice, I'm usually looking to score and since it's been over a year since I've been laid, I'm jonesing for some loving....real bad.

The two guys walk towards me and I'm totally checking out the hot football player.  In my head we touch hands, feel the spark, I ask him out on a date, he says yes, we go out to dinner, go back to his place, make out, I fuck him, he fucks me, we fall in love, he's with me when I have my gender reassignment surgery, we move in together, move to New York, I get a job on LOGO Tv (that's a secret dream of mine), we find a surrogate, have us 4-6 kids, write this blog together, and live happily ever after.  So we all are introducing ourselves to each other.  His name is Jackson, goes by Jack, and he introduces his brother, William, who I will from now on refer to as "Dick" and not in a good way, in a 2 inches, slim, can hardly find it, totally disappointing, makes you mad when you see it, kind of way.

So very effortlessly we start talking and I notice that Jack keeps looking at my crotch.  I've gotten this reaction before whenever I wear my strap-on because it's one of those BIG black ones, you know the MONSTER cocks?  LOL.  Because the Italian man inside of me, Vic, has a big ass dick, thick and long.  *Grins*  So after he looks for like the third time, I clear my throat and he looks at me with this really cute blush on his cheeks.

I'm a little worried that you know Jack is younger than me, because I'm almost in my 30s, but he's 34 and he does what I do, he brings his 18 year old brother to and from school.  So I sort of step closer to Jack, just a little, and let my hand brush against his hand and yes, the mental erection I had, just got bigger, because I heard his breath catch.  Apparently so did Dick.

"You know my brother's gay right?" he asks me with this really ugly snarl on his face.  I laugh and said yes.  I notice that Jack is blushing again and he's really so cute.  Even though he's got like two or three inches on me, I want to sit him on my lap...after fucking him into the wall of course (Over a year people....I'm a walking hard-on).

"So why are you hitting on him?" Dick asks me.  I shrug and say, "Because he's hot and I think we'd have a really hot...I mean a really hard...I mean a really fun time together."  I notice that Jack is smiling wider and wider with each "mistake" that I made.

"But he's gay and you're a chick.  He doesn't date chicks," Dick says, looking at me like I'm stupid.

"I believe that Vic is transgendered William," Jack says, looking really embarrassed.  I just grinned, "Well, I'm bi-gendered.  I'm both female and male, not a female born in a male's body or vice versa," I explained, still smiling because oh man I can almost TASTE Jack's sweat.  My thoughts had drifted from the romantic to the erotic.  I was imagining what would happen if he just dropped to his knees in front of me and started to....

"Oh my gosh!  You're some kinda black freak huh?" Dick yelled.

SCREECH!!  Hold up!  Stop the presses.  What the FUCK did this bastard just say about me?

"William!"  That was Jack.

"Listen here asshole."  Yep, that was me, Vic.  "I am not a freak, first of all.  I was born this way, it's acceptable, I am okay with it and if you're not then fuck off.  Secondly, I'm not black you dumb fuck.  My skin may be brown, but I've probably got more WHITE in me than you do, it's just that my family learned to look past race and all that other bullshit to make a beautiful family tree."  By this point my hands are shaking and there are a few people standing around looking at us.  I hadn't realized that I was yelling, but apparently I was.

"I am so sorry.  He's not a homophobe or anything.  I mean he's really accepting of me," Jack is apologizing.  JACK is apologizing for WILLIAM.  How fucked up is that?  All the while William is glaring at me with his arms folded.

"You don't get to apologize for him Jack.  That's not your job.  He should apologize for himself," I say, still shaking in anger and trying to keep "Vee" from making an appearance.  I WANTED to be pissed off.  I didn't want to be compassionate and understanding right then.  I wanted to beat the shit out of this bastard.  I know that I have a temper problem, it's something I'm talking about with my VA assigned therapist, but hell, I don't get mad easily or often, but when I do, it can be a problem.

"I'm not going to apologize to some ugly black bitch that can't decide if she's a man or a woman.  She's probably crazy anyway."  Yep, you guessed it, that was Dick.

By this point some other black students have started to walk forward angry and I know that I have defuse this situation before it gets out of control.  Polk County doesn't get a lot of racially motivated fights or hate crimes, but that racism thing is always just underneath the surface.  So I glared at Dick, gave up on the fantasy of me and Jack together, in love and happy, and said, "So, what I'm hearing you say is that you're upset because I chose your brother over you and you were hoping that I was a girl that was open-minded so you could fuck me and be open to you introducing your best friend to me so that the three of us could have sex together and he could fuck you and you won't technically be gay or even bisexual, you only did it for the girl you were with?  Right?  Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd be fucking the both of you and when I was done, you'd be gayer than your brother.  Asshole."

I turned and limped my way back into the car, which was thankfully still there, and pulled off.  This time no one stepped out in front of the car.

I was five minutes down the road when I had to pull over because I was shaking and crying too hard.

My looks and the color of my skin have always been a source of contention for me.  In my family I was always the "dark one."  That wasn't said in a nice way either, but in a "we'll forgive you for it" way.  And in the past 27 years, I've had only one person in my life who ever consistently told me I was beautiful, my cousin Val and she died 9 years ago.  Everyone else has maybe told me a total of five times and only when I was skinny, had my hair and nails done, was wearing makeup and dressed up.

I grew up feeling ugly, feeling as if I were too dark, as if I didn't belong in my skin, in my body, in my family and just as I start to embrace and live my truth, here comes this asshole and makes a huge dent in my armor.

I then got pissed off because I was JUST starting to embrace and live my truth and here comes this ASSHOLE and with a few well-placed words he TRIES to make a huge dent in my armor.

I don't think that Dick knew that I keep every email, every message, every comment that is encouraging and uplifting and supportive and once a week, sometimes once a day I copy and paste them into a word document and when I have bad days like today I read them so that I don't let them bother me too much.

So I came home and read the comments, the statements, the encouragement that you all left me.  The emails from Thorny, Sid and Kate.  The comments from Lucy/Kat and Sylvia and LC and Xara and Archie and Brad and Becky and Katharina.  The messages on GR from Matt and Luci and Laura.  And then I pulled out the letters from Christopher and the last letter from my cousin Val.

By the time I was finished I felt so much better, then I felt disappointed because DAMN Jack was fine.  But you know what?  There will be others, but more than that I found out how strong I am.  A few years ago, a statement like that would have sent me spiraling into depression, but today it just lit a fire under me to continue to live MY truth, regardless of who likes it.



  1. Okay Jack sounds like he was protecting William and was really digging you babes. That however does not excuse him for apologizing for him either. Big mistake.

    No one should put you down for being who you are and I am sure you'll see Jack again. When you do make sure the dick head isn't around and slip Jack your number. Talk to him get to know him. Mhm no matter how mad you are my beauty you still want love and some loving. Screw the dick head's because they know jack shit about what it is like to be you.

    I love you always will. Go for something you want bet if you got Jack alone and talked one on one he'd be a very decent guy. MHM I went there Babes. Give a second chance and for gods sake please keep Smooth Vic out he sounds sexy!

    Some males are assholes and some guys defend the assholes's the ones that defend that are worth getting to really truly know!

  2. Oh yeah and keep your Head held high my dear Beautiful VeVe. You will get everything in life that you need or want!

  3. Thanks. I hope that I do see Jack again because just THINKING about him is making my mouth water. LOL. I think that you're right about him being a good guy, one worth getting to know, but damn, having to deal with his brother?

    When I went to pick my sister back up I told her about it and she's like "Maybe he's in love with his brother."

    It was a thought.

    And thank you (again) for your compliments and encouragement. They are greatly appreciated. And I like Smooth Vic also, I have gotten much ass when I'm in a Vic mood.

    So Vic is sexy and Vee is beautiful huh? I can get behind that.

  4. You deal with his brother in stride. He sounds jealous to me of either you or Jack either way. He needs to grow up before he can ever hope to take his head out his ass.

    You are welcome and I love you and yes Vic is sexy and Vee is beautiful. You make that so very true each and every day by being who you are

  5. And now my eyes are burning and filling up with some strange liquid. LOL.

    Yeah, the jealousy thing sounds about right. I do like what my sister said about him being in love with his brother, but that could be because of all of the naughty m/m romance books that I read. LOL.

  6. Lol perhaps hun and you know something you'll find your love and when you do Imma be there to support you through that as well!

  7. Thank you!! I can't wait to meet my love so I can introduce him to all of the wonderful people who are in my life now (and yes, you are one of them)

  8. ~Smiles~ When you do it'll be amazing (Oh I would like that!) Meeting someone good for you and them loving you for you is something that comes and when it does lord it'll be great. and your friends meeting them hehe is a great thing!

  9. That's such a positive viewpoint on the whole love/couple thing. I'm actually looking forward to it if and when it happens.

  10. Not if WHEN hehe. Oh it'll happen your to sweet of a person all the way around for it not to happen to. Love bug.

    (My word was prophobe huh?)

  11. Aww you're too sweet. Btw, love bug? Cute.

    Prophobe huh? I can't even begin to make that dirty. I've tried and tried and got NOTHING. Such a disappointment. LOL.

  12. I was thinking and thinking and that was all I came up with, Love bug.

    I tried and tried that as well so was not working out for me.

    okay caledyel is this times word lol

  13. I like love bug. I can get behind that.

    Nothing for the whole colyedyel...They are not cooperating with you with the word verification thing are they?

    The first time Thorny left a comment on my blog, his word verification was "hustler" or "pimped" something like that. We both thought that was hilarious. Haven't found one that cool since.

  14. inendess...hmm don't know about that

    nope not working right I want a cool one lol

    Thorny is such a sweetheart I miss him!

  15. ROFLMFAO! I want a cooler one too. I think Blogger is just fucking with me now "pretistu" what the hell is that anyway?

    I miss Thorny too. That's alright, when he gets back I am going to handcuff his ass to me. LOL

  16. LOL same you get one hand and I get the other OH Shit wait then we'd get dragged every where with him...Hmm think you'll meet some cute guys? ~Snickers softly~ Although Jazz sounds like a cuddle protective bear! Oh we might get into some trouble hehe.

    Really come on stleur

  17. LOL. I DO think that I'd meet some cute guys!!! I've been trying to get Thorny to hook me up with Jazz's brothers for weeks now. LOL. Jazz is a cuddle protective bear but he's used to hearing me say that I'm going to handcuff Thorny. I say it repeatedly. Hehehe. *devious grin*

    stleur? Saint Leur? LOL. OH I got it!! Saint LURE!! Hehehe

  18. Alright let's see Mores sounded cute the way Thorny talked about him. Their banter back and forth was cute to. Jazz sound hook you up silly not to I mean you are such a sweet person hehe. Gotta love Jazz and Thorny though for that matter you gotta love Matt and Brad to hehe. Two very great amazing couples.

    inenpo...In EN POed!

  19. ROFLMFAO!!!! Inenpo!!

    Mores is adorable. He and I have talked a bit, but I think he's got someone now. You know if I knew Jazz better I'd ask him to hook me up too.

    But you're right you've gotta love Jazz and Thorny and Matt and Brad.

    I do try to be a sweet person....when I'm not being naughty of course. Hahaha

  20. Hahaha oh we all got those naughty times "Pussy Kat" mode is my naughty and horny mode MHM all rights reserved for my partners and maybe I'll act a little pervy with friends but still.

    equid HEY SQUID!

  21. I am naughty with everyone. LOL. But when I'm with someone I'm....more intimate I guess is the word. Not as raunchy, more sensual and loving, seductive.

    I like that equid!

  22. I try to be myself which does help a lot when talking to anyone. They don't see the side that is a bitch all the time to her parents for the things they do to her. I'm just the peaceful out going woman to them.

    patil hmm not bad I guess

  23. That's true. You have to be yourself. It's not meant for everyone to see every part of you, if it was then we'd all have cameras hooked onto us 24/7.

    patil is cool...sounds like someone's name.

  24. I don't like cameras. Never have since my father recorded me dancing when I was WAY younger. Mhm never again unless it's necessary.

    Hmm serweler

  25. I LOVE cameras!!!! I think it's because I'm slightly an exhibitionist.

    My parents didn't record a lot of my performances and they complain about it now.

  26. I wish mine would have stopped they are embarrassing over that kind of stuff. They know I don't like them and recording just gets a bit on my nerves. I used to love it until the constant teasing about it.

    Affir sounds like Affair

  27. Affair is good. LOL.

    Aahhh, it is a parent's right to embarrass their children. At least that's why my mother always used to tell me.

  28. Yeah guess so VeVe. Sometimes I just try to hide from the embarrassment.


    EUR= Exciting yoUr Right

    TMI= To Much Info

  29. I'm sorry that baby brother was such an asshole. You are NOT a freak, and you didn't deserve to be treated that way-- no ones does.

    In my experience, when we make a big decision or commitment, the universe immediately turns around and whaps you one. It's about challenging your commitment to your path. There may be a couple more ugly thumps in the coming weeks or months. Once you've proven that you're going to stick with it, things usually calm down. (Not to say that there won't other bumps in the road, but they won't always be so startling.)

    Hang in there.

  30. Thanks Becky. You know what? You're right. This past year I've decided to try and be published as an author, I made the decision to be true to myself and live my truth and I really have felt as if I was being smacked around after each decision. No one has ever explained it to me like that.

  31. Man, some people's children. Grrr. There is nothing more brilliant than someone who is living their truth.

    I dated a Jack and he was delish...


  32. @Luci: I know! It's crazy because it's like Jack is wonderful and dreamy and his brother is the antithesis of him. I'm looking forward to my date with Jack but I hope to gods that Dick isn't around anywhere, because I'm not responsible.....



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