Not Blogging For A While

I had intended on making this a thank-you blog.

Thank you to Jack for writing that amazing blog post that I got surprised with when the first comment came rolling through my email notifications.

Thank you to those of you who commented.

Thank you to those of you who uplifted and encouraged me.

I was also going to talk about great friends and how I will never give up the fight for others.

That was before this afternoon.

Halfway through my different doctor appointments today I received a phone call from a very close friend of mine, who is like a sister to me, and she found out where I was.  She was at the same hospital so we met up for lunch because she had something to tell me.  I thought she was going to tell me that she was pregnant.

She instead showed me her bruised face and arms, pictures of her after a violent fight and I jokingly said "You got in a fight with someone?"  She said,, "It looks that way doesn't it?  But I don't actually remember what happened."  When I asked her what she meant, she began to tell me, K. Ray, and Jack, who had met us up at the hospital for lunch about going to a friend's house on Friday and having said friend bring her drinks.  About swimming in the pool with this guy and another girl and how that was the last full moment that she remembers. Then she told about the flashes of memories, being in the bathtub, waking up in bed, in a different house, wearing someone else's clothes, next to the other girl and the friend from before.  She was battered and bruised and couldn't remember what had happened to her.  The other girl was bruised as well.

My friend had been "roofied" or drugged and then raped.

Obviously for legal purposes I can't share her name, especially because she will be pressing charges, but this is something that has rocked me to my core.  Not just because my friend was so violently assaulted, but also because I know the guy who drugged her and probably know the other guys who attacked her.

I can't write anything remotely creative.  I am in a state of shock.  My mind is filled with rage and despair.  I'll be honest, I want to get revenge for my friend, I want blood to be spilled, I want someone in jail, I want them to be raped.  After getting my friend squared away I told these things to Jack and he took the day off and I told him that I'm probably having flashbacks of when I was in this same situation.

Rape is horrible and the victims are never the same.  Ever.  And when you've been drugged and you can't remember seeing your attack, the violation of your person, the stealing of your spirit but you feel it in the fear, the paranoia, the shattered and broken emotions, the physical pain, the distrust, the feeling of victimization and the feeling that you're stupid to have let it happen, it's so much worse.

So, while this is lengthy, I wanted to let you all know that I won't be blogging for a while.  I won't be tweeting and I won't be on GR leaving comments on threads or anything.  I don't know when I'll be back, maybe when my mind settles, when I stop wanting to rail at the heavens and stop wanting to throw shit around the room because how could someone I know do this to someone that I care about?  I'm hoping that I won't be gone long, but my friend needs me, I need Jack and I can't be my happy-go-lucky, wise adviser, brilliant writer, world-changer self right now.  I feel broken and my friend feels worse.

So if you have my email address then I'll still be emailing, but other than that I won't be blogging, tweeting or commenting on blogs, GR or anything for a while.

Our Date Before the Date

Jack: Wut r u doin 2day?

Me: I've got to take my sister to class at like 12:50 for her 1:00 class then just chilling in the parking lot until she's done.

Jack: How about I bring u lunch?

Me: Seriously?

Jack: Yea. It can be our date b4 our date.

Me: Hell yeah!

So yes, Jack and I had a date BEFORE our big date!!  {SQUEAL!!}  We'd been texting off and on since yesterday and then he brought me Subway to my car in the parking lot of my sister's college.  We sat in the backseat and ate our subs, drank soda and talked.  He told me about his family and I told him about mine.  He said he was worried about what would happen when my parents got back and I told him about the phone call I got this morning.  I've been given until the beginning of the year to move out.  We talked about my options.  I told him that I was a semi-writer.  He asked me what that was:

Jack: What the hell is a semi-writer? (laughs)

Me: Well, I write...almost all day.  Books, short stories...gay romance you know? (he nods) But I don't know (I shrugged-I do that a LOT), I don't think I'm really all that good.  My brother and sisters say that I am though.

Jack: Wait, your biological brother and sisters or your online ones?

Me: (laughs) My online family.  They're all super supportive.  Like Thorny, he's the really adorable one, who's like married to this great guy Jazz right?  Thorny is like the reason I'm writing this stuff and making it available for other people to read......

So we talked about my online family (yeah, you guys!) and I told him about how Thorny sent me a few nice emails right when I needed them the most and how he pretty much saved my life.  I told him about Matt's unending concern and support of me.  I told him about how Lucy/Kat encouraged me to say yes when I saw him again (he now loves her).  I told him about Kate and how she's like my Australian twin sister and was the first person that I "came out" to and how she never judged me and only supported me, and how she loves my writing, even though I think hers is so much better.  I told him about Sid, who understands what I feel so much more than I would have ever expected.

I talked for a while, gushing over my online family and he just sat there watching me talk and smiling.  When I stopped abruptly, after telling him that I wanted a relationship that was a mixture of Thorny & Jazz, Matt & Brad with a healthy dose of Vee all mixed together, he laughed.

Jack: Why'd you stop talking?

Me: Why did you let me talk so much?

Jack: Because you're fascinating.  I can see why these people love you so much.  You radiate...

Me: I radiate?  What the hell does that mean?

Jack: You radiate.  There's this...I don't know...this like light that just sort of pulls people to you and then you like wrap them in this light.  I don't know what's wrong with your family...your biological family, maybe they've been around your light so long that now they're blinded to it, but I can see why your online family loves you so much.

Me: Are you a writer?

Jack: No. (laughs) I just get sort of sentimental and romantic sometimes.

Me: You're trying to make me fall in love with you aren't you? (My eyes widened and my mouth drops open.  Yep, now I've scared him off and he's going to cancel the date on Friday)

Jack: (laughs out loud) That's the plan.

We talked some more and then I kissed him.  Then he kissed me back and then we were making out in the car.  I'm talking heavy making out.  He never touched my breasts (LOL.  He told me later that he had to stop thinking that I was a GIRL and keep reminding himself that I was just ME.  Vic/Vee.  Both male and female right now.  But that inside I am a gay man.), but he kept his hands on my ass and it was DELICIOUS!  We only stopped when the campus security knocked on the window and told us to "move it along."

I haven't made out in a car since I was a freshman in college.  It was so exciting and so fucking CRAMPED!  How the hell did I used to do that?!  We laughed and separated, both of us fixing our clothes.  He had to pull up his boxers and zip up his jeans because I HAD to see if it felt as big as it looked (the answer is a hearty FUCK YEAH!) and I had to adjust my jeans and my strap on, which he named "Lil' Big Vic".  We saw my sister walking towards the car and with a final kiss, he promised to call me later and he got out of the car.

My sister stood behind the car with a look of shock on her face.  Jack had hickeys and teeth marks all over his neck, chin and shoulders (I'm a little aggressive-LOL) and his hair was messed up.  When she got in the car and I finally got into the driver's seat she sat really quietly for a second before she burst out with:

"This car smells like sex!!"

I laughed and said, "No honey, this car smells like PRE sex!"  She rolled her eyes and proceeded to text our other sister who was at work, and my mother and tell them about "the white man that Vee had in the car."

Nothing can put a damper on my happy day though.  I had a "date" before my date and it was glorious!  But most of all, I realized how truly lucky I am to have people that have accepted me, sight unseen.  Who encourage me to live my truth and then cheer me on when I do it.

Thank you all of you for everything.  For reading everything I write (Suzi, Becky, Katharina, Lucy/Kat, Luci), for putting up with my insecurities and goofiness (Kate, Lucy/Kat), for being a constant source of encouragement and support (Thorny, Matt, Sid, Lucy/Kat, Kate, Katharnia, Luci), for believing in me when I don't believe in myself (Lucy/Kat, Kate, Thorny, Katharina, Luci) and for saving my life, even when you didn't realize that you were doing it (Thorny).

I love you all!

{HUGZ, SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vee/Vic

Some Title.... (Vic Speaks)

I am a writer.  I write.  I create situations and characters and scenarios that are woven together to make a beautiful story, but I can't even BEGIN to think of what to name this post.

Today I had to take my sister to school.  This is my baby sister, the one who just started college, not the one who graduated from college.  So I dropped her off, waited to make sure that she got to her classroom safely and then I went to leave.  I was in full on Vic mode today.  Jeans, T-shirt, I had on my strap-on, my Boston Red Sox baseball cap and my shades.  I was looking pretty damn sexy.  So I went to take off when these two really tall, really sexy guys stepped out in front of the car.  I slammed on brakes and just sort of looked at them in shock.  Didn't they see me driving?  So I put the car in park and got out of the car (I regretted how fast I got out as soon as my feet touched the ground, I'd left my cane on the backseat).

"What the hell?  Didn't you guys see me driving?  I don't discriminate on who I will hit, this isn't a crosswalk, a sidewalk or a pedestrian crossing, it's the parking lot which means if you're walking you have to watch out for cars, jackasses!"  Not my finest moment, but I was shaking a little from fear, having a flashback from 7 years ago when I saw the old man get hit by a car and then run over by a car behind us while Christopher and I were driving.

"Sorry," the shorter of the two guys says.  He looks like a football player, with his thick neck, brown hair, square chin, hugely muscled frame and his big hands.  I know that my strap-on is plastic, but I promise you, I got an erection...like hardcore.  More than that my "gaydar" was going off something fierce.

"It's alright," my voice instantly changed from angry motorist to "smooth Vic."  My voice is naturally husky because I'm a singer in addition to everything else and when I slide into my "Vic" voice, I'm usually looking to score and since it's been over a year since I've been laid, I'm jonesing for some loving....real bad.

The two guys walk towards me and I'm totally checking out the hot football player.  In my head we touch hands, feel the spark, I ask him out on a date, he says yes, we go out to dinner, go back to his place, make out, I fuck him, he fucks me, we fall in love, he's with me when I have my gender reassignment surgery, we move in together, move to New York, I get a job on LOGO Tv (that's a secret dream of mine), we find a surrogate, have us 4-6 kids, write this blog together, and live happily ever after.  So we all are introducing ourselves to each other.  His name is Jackson, goes by Jack, and he introduces his brother, William, who I will from now on refer to as "Dick" and not in a good way, in a 2 inches, slim, can hardly find it, totally disappointing, makes you mad when you see it, kind of way.

So very effortlessly we start talking and I notice that Jack keeps looking at my crotch.  I've gotten this reaction before whenever I wear my strap-on because it's one of those BIG black ones, you know the MONSTER cocks?  LOL.  Because the Italian man inside of me, Vic, has a big ass dick, thick and long.  *Grins*  So after he looks for like the third time, I clear my throat and he looks at me with this really cute blush on his cheeks.

I'm a little worried that you know Jack is younger than me, because I'm almost in my 30s, but he's 34 and he does what I do, he brings his 18 year old brother to and from school.  So I sort of step closer to Jack, just a little, and let my hand brush against his hand and yes, the mental erection I had, just got bigger, because I heard his breath catch.  Apparently so did Dick.

"You know my brother's gay right?" he asks me with this really ugly snarl on his face.  I laugh and said yes.  I notice that Jack is blushing again and he's really so cute.  Even though he's got like two or three inches on me, I want to sit him on my lap...after fucking him into the wall of course (Over a year people....I'm a walking hard-on).

"So why are you hitting on him?" Dick asks me.  I shrug and say, "Because he's hot and I think we'd have a really hot...I mean a really hard...I mean a really fun time together."  I notice that Jack is smiling wider and wider with each "mistake" that I made.

"But he's gay and you're a chick.  He doesn't date chicks," Dick says, looking at me like I'm stupid.

"I believe that Vic is transgendered William," Jack says, looking really embarrassed.  I just grinned, "Well, I'm bi-gendered.  I'm both female and male, not a female born in a male's body or vice versa," I explained, still smiling because oh man I can almost TASTE Jack's sweat.  My thoughts had drifted from the romantic to the erotic.  I was imagining what would happen if he just dropped to his knees in front of me and started to....

"Oh my gosh!  You're some kinda black freak huh?" Dick yelled.

SCREECH!!  Hold up!  Stop the presses.  What the FUCK did this bastard just say about me?

"William!"  That was Jack.

"Listen here asshole."  Yep, that was me, Vic.  "I am not a freak, first of all.  I was born this way, it's acceptable, I am okay with it and if you're not then fuck off.  Secondly, I'm not black you dumb fuck.  My skin may be brown, but I've probably got more WHITE in me than you do, it's just that my family learned to look past race and all that other bullshit to make a beautiful family tree."  By this point my hands are shaking and there are a few people standing around looking at us.  I hadn't realized that I was yelling, but apparently I was.

"I am so sorry.  He's not a homophobe or anything.  I mean he's really accepting of me," Jack is apologizing.  JACK is apologizing for WILLIAM.  How fucked up is that?  All the while William is glaring at me with his arms folded.

"You don't get to apologize for him Jack.  That's not your job.  He should apologize for himself," I say, still shaking in anger and trying to keep "Vee" from making an appearance.  I WANTED to be pissed off.  I didn't want to be compassionate and understanding right then.  I wanted to beat the shit out of this bastard.  I know that I have a temper problem, it's something I'm talking about with my VA assigned therapist, but hell, I don't get mad easily or often, but when I do, it can be a problem.

"I'm not going to apologize to some ugly black bitch that can't decide if she's a man or a woman.  She's probably crazy anyway."  Yep, you guessed it, that was Dick.

By this point some other black students have started to walk forward angry and I know that I have defuse this situation before it gets out of control.  Polk County doesn't get a lot of racially motivated fights or hate crimes, but that racism thing is always just underneath the surface.  So I glared at Dick, gave up on the fantasy of me and Jack together, in love and happy, and said, "So, what I'm hearing you say is that you're upset because I chose your brother over you and you were hoping that I was a girl that was open-minded so you could fuck me and be open to you introducing your best friend to me so that the three of us could have sex together and he could fuck you and you won't technically be gay or even bisexual, you only did it for the girl you were with?  Right?  Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd be fucking the both of you and when I was done, you'd be gayer than your brother.  Asshole."

I turned and limped my way back into the car, which was thankfully still there, and pulled off.  This time no one stepped out in front of the car.

I was five minutes down the road when I had to pull over because I was shaking and crying too hard.

My looks and the color of my skin have always been a source of contention for me.  In my family I was always the "dark one."  That wasn't said in a nice way either, but in a "we'll forgive you for it" way.  And in the past 27 years, I've had only one person in my life who ever consistently told me I was beautiful, my cousin Val and she died 9 years ago.  Everyone else has maybe told me a total of five times and only when I was skinny, had my hair and nails done, was wearing makeup and dressed up.

I grew up feeling ugly, feeling as if I were too dark, as if I didn't belong in my skin, in my body, in my family and just as I start to embrace and live my truth, here comes this asshole and makes a huge dent in my armor.

I then got pissed off because I was JUST starting to embrace and live my truth and here comes this ASSHOLE and with a few well-placed words he TRIES to make a huge dent in my armor.

I don't think that Dick knew that I keep every email, every message, every comment that is encouraging and uplifting and supportive and once a week, sometimes once a day I copy and paste them into a word document and when I have bad days like today I read them so that I don't let them bother me too much.

So I came home and read the comments, the statements, the encouragement that you all left me.  The emails from Thorny, Sid and Kate.  The comments from Lucy/Kat and Sylvia and LC and Xara and Archie and Brad and Becky and Katharina.  The messages on GR from Matt and Luci and Laura.  And then I pulled out the letters from Christopher and the last letter from my cousin Val.

By the time I was finished I felt so much better, then I felt disappointed because DAMN Jack was fine.  But you know what?  There will be others, but more than that I found out how strong I am.  A few years ago, a statement like that would have sent me spiraling into depression, but today it just lit a fire under me to continue to live MY truth, regardless of who likes it.

{FIST BUMP AND SNUGGLES}
{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES}
Vic

It's Better! Oh...Maybe Not!

I woke up at 7 this morning because my phone was playing "E.T." by Katy Perry. I had text messages, emails, and comments alerts. With a smile I gingerly sat up and realized my back wasn't hurting!

Whoopee!!!

Then in a classic "Vic" move (Because Veronica is smart enough to know better) I went to reach for the phone and felt pain in my back. Duller, not as sharp or breathtaking but still quite noticeable.

Shit.

I was supposed to go to a jewelry party tonight so I HAVE to get better. At the same time I don’t want to make my back worse than it already is.

I'm not THAT stupid!

So I want to thank you all for the tweets, comments, emails, and messages on GR. My back is BETTER than yesterday though still not back to what it was when I was my happily, creative "VeeVee self".

I'll get there though. I'm going to try and get some more sleep.

Blog ya later!

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Inconceivable: Part Five

Part Five:


     "And then I turned around and he was standing right there with his arms folded across his chest, looking all huge and intimidating and I could feel my boyfriend trembling beneath me, his cock shriveling up inside of me like a raisin before he slid out and I just got so mad.  So I slide off the bed, turn around to face him, put my hands on my hips and say: 'Why don't you find your own boyfriend METRIC TON!'  He was so shocked by the new nickname, he didn't even notice my boyfriend, grabbing his clothes and climbing out of the window, the same way he'd climbed in...except this time he was doing it naked," Tommy burst into laughter as Luci regaled him with the story of how she'd come to call Ton, "Metric Ton."  He noticed Ton wincing and he laughed even harder.  Luci had been telling stories about Ton during the entire meal and Tommy couldn't remember the last time that he'd laughed so hard.  It was great and he felt himself healing with every story.
     He had used the bathroom without Ton's assistance and had spent the entire time thinking about his mate and the fact that the other man had rather watch him suffer than mate him and heal him.  When his reason had finally returned he realized that he should be thankful that the other man had respected him enough to NOT take advantage of him in his injured state.  He'd stepped out of the bathroom gingerly, after flushing and washing his hands and had smiled shyly up at the larger man.  Ton must have read his forgiveness and understanding in his eyes because without a word being spoken the larger man had come over, scooped him up into his arms and carried him over to the dining table to eat.  They were still there.  Tommy had finished eating half an hour ago and Luci had finished five minutes ago, but Ton was still eating.  Damn, he hoped that they had a big refrigerator in their new home, because his mate ate like a huge, fucking animal.
     Tommy snorted in an effort to restrain his laughter.  He merely shook his head when Ton and Luci looked at him questioningly, not wanting to share his amusement with them, concerned that they may take offense.  He yawned widely and nodded when Luci asked him if he wanted a cup of water.  As soon as Luci walked away he leaned over and kissed Ton's cheek where the bigger man sat next to him.
     Ton looked at him, his eyes wide with shock, "What was that for?"  Tommy smiled at him sweetly, lifting his hands up to cup Ton's cheeks.
     "That was for NOT mating me when I was too vulnerable to resist or give my permission," Tommy said softly.  Ton swallowed thickly and nodded.  "That's the only reason you didn't mate me right?  It wasn't that you were suddenly turned off by me?" he asked, uncertain, biting his lower lip.  Ton didn't say anything, just reached up and grabbed one of Tommy's hands and pressed it firmly against his very large erection.
     "Point taken," Tommy grinned.  The two men shared another small kiss and pulled away just as Luci returned to the table.
     "So Luci, tell me, where's your mate?" Tommy asked curiously as he took a sip of water from his glass.  The room filled with tension immediately and Tommy found himself glancing back and forth between Ton and Luci.  The two of them were having some kind of silent conversation with their eyes and Tommy could feel their anxiety rolling off of them in waves.  What the hell was going on and what were they keeping secret?
     "He isn't really able to claim me.  So...we know who each other is, but we're just not able to act on it," Luci evaded the question before excusing herself with an excuse that she wanted to go and pack up her car and rushing from the room.
     Tommy turned to look at Ton with an incredulous look.  Ton shook his head and held up his hands in surrender.  "Uh-uh.  Don't look at me like that.  It's not my story to tell.  Believe me I want her and this guy to mate, I truly do, but they won't do it.  They asked me to keep that secret and I won't betray their trust," the Texan said.  Tommy nodded and sighed.  He respected his man for honoring the wishes of his sister and not divulging her secret but he was curious by nature and he really wanted to know.
     "I understand honey," Tommy reassured his mate and yawned widely.  He merely smiled when Ton stood up and scooped him into his arms before carrying him back to bed.  His man could carry him wherever he wanted to and he wouldn't protest at all.  When Ton made a move to get off of the bed, Tommy grabbed onto his wrist and smiled at him again.
     "Stay?" he asked and Ton nodded.
     "Only for a minute, then I've got to clean up the kitchen and get our stuff in the truck.  I've got to get back to the ranch and we've got to leave today," Ton stated before climbing over Tommy to settle beside him on the bed.  Tommy nodded and turned over onto his right side, pressing his back to Ton's chest and his ass to other man's jean-covered erection.  He smiled as Ton growled low in his chest.
     "Stop playing with fire baby and get some sleep.  We ain't gonna do nothing 'til you're feeling better and it ain't gonna hurt you," Ton groaned, his southern drawl more pronounced.  Tommy had noticed when he'd visited Richard months before that Ton's accent and Southern dialect was only apparent when he was really angry or really turned on and if the very large pipe poking him in the ass was any indication, his big cowboy was very turned on indeed.
     "I can guarantee you Ant, I'll be feeling 100% by the time we get to Texas.  So be ready to not leave the bedroom for a while, because I want to learn how to ride properly and I'm practicing on you," Tommy promised just before he relaxed into sleep.

Wow

That's the only thing that I've had in my mind all day.  From 7 o'clock this morning until now, the word "wow" with a negative connotation has been swirling around in my brain all day.

I am a very empathetic person.  I hate for people around me to be hurt, emotionally, physically, not just because I love them or care for them and don't want them to suffer but also for selfish reasons.

I feel nauseous, flush hot like I have a fever and shake.

Call me crazy, call me insane, it doesn't matter, but either way my friends and family either call me because they know that I'll feel their emotional pain (I cry with them, sometimes for them, I get angry on their behalf) or they don't call me for that same reason.

It's the reason that my brother didn't tell me what was going on with him.  Why just last night I found out about EVERYTHING that was being said between him and the mother of his child.  No one told me because I would "overreact" or "just get sick."

I said all that to say this: today has been a day when I swear I feel as though I've been put through the emotional wringer, from a car accident early this morning (very small, minor ding, no one was hurt), to a dear friend feeling emotionally raw, to the identities and realities of people I have come to care about being called into question, I think I've said "Wow" a lot today.

And my problem is that I have the "fix-it" gene and so I want to fix cars, fix relationships, defend people, solve problems of everyone in the world.  But it's just not possible.

The other problem is that these things so affect me that my creative self suffers.  I can't write.  My mind is racing 1,000,000 miles a minute and all I can think about is if everyone is okay and what can I do to help and did I overstep when I said or did this or am I being a pest by asking if everyone's okay and what if I'm getting on everyone's nerves?

Even when I could dance, when moments like this happened, I couldn't dance.  I could barely focus enough to read, I'd sit and watch the television without really understanding anything and I couldn't eat no matter how hungry I got (hey I lost weight at least right?).

And I'm not sharing this to make people feel bad like "Can't tell Vee anything she might have a panic attack," or to make anyone feel guilty because I think it's the mark of a true friend that they care for you so much that they feel what you feel while still being able to tell you what you need to hear.  This may of course be my arrogance that I'm a really good friend of course.  However, I'm sharing this because in light of everything today I was talking with Kate, someone I'm beginning to really consider as a friend, and I told her that I'm completely real about my flaws.

Hell, I've got a whole post that says I'm a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.

You can't get more real than that.

I feel like while the Internet is great for reinventing yourself, almost living a life of fantasy, not everyone is that way.  For me, the fantasy world, the fake me is what I show my family.  I am who they want me to be (for now), but online?  Where I'm forging relationships with people who can't just walk into my room to see if it's real?  I'm MORE honest, I'm truthful, I'm real.

So while none of what happened today is about me (and that's a first-LOL), I just wanted to let you few people know who find me interesting enough to care what I have to say, that what you "read" is what you get.  I am a flawed individual and I'm going to share it with you.  My major flaws and everything.  If you don't like it, you can always unfollow or forget this page ever existed, but for those of you who appreciate it, I thank you.

I know that life's a bitch (and then you die) and I know that I have more days of "Wow" ahead of me...but I'm going to be real with all of you as I go through them.

So all of that to say this, I wanted to write another part of "Inconceivable" today, but I can't.  My brain has shut down.  I'll post tomorrow and be more of my normal, bitchy, happy, morose, confused, self-absorbed self (LOL I know that's not how I usually am but that's me here lately), but today?  I'm feeling the emotional pull of my friends and family and so I'm going to spend the day trying to pull myself out of the emotional mire that I put myself into.

*Hope everyone on the East coast is safe and nothing was too damaged and that no one lost anything really valuable!  {HUGZ}

True Family

I have learned so much about family and friends in the first few days of all of this and I haven't even gotten started with everything yet.

I learned that family, a true family is not necessarily the one you are born into but they are the people who love you, support you, and accept you unconditionally. A family is one that you love by choice not by blood. So many people have stepped up and decided to be in my corner and the knowledge that I will lose my biological family has been tempered by the realization that I have other people to fill the role of family for me. It is humbling and amazing and incredible.

I feel so unworthy.

I have my first therapy session on the 19th of Sept. The whole process is apparently going to be 6 months. I have been given websites, groups, programs to watch...it all just makes me smile because I am taking control of my life for once, not trying to please anyone but myself. "Living my truth." I want a shirt that says that.

So a family is one you choose. And with the brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and grandparents of my heart those that have stepped up and supported me...I think I have chosen very well.

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Truth in a Joke-I am Static, I am Bi-Gender, I am Me

So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him.  I helped to raise him.  We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday.").  So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother.  Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him.  I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant.  He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair."  We both laughed but you know what?  I wonder if he was really being honest with me.

I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"?  I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this.  Feeling both male and female.  Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself.  Plus I love my tits you know?  But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered.  As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.

I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man.  So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin.  What steps to take, who to talk to.

What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this?  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others.  Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
      There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?

I'm a Selfish, Possessive, Protective Bitch

I am brutally honest with everyone.  With friends, with family, with complete strangers, but especially with myself.  I have always known that I am protective.  I'm protective of those that I love, those that I care for.  Hell, in high school, I skipped school one day to go and beat my friend Angel's boyfriend's ass because he'd punched Angel and called him "a queer spic."  I'm not sure if I was more angry at the racial slur or the crack at his sexuality (especially because this guy was OBVIOUSLY gay too), but either way I was livid and when Angel showed up at school with a black eye and told us what happened, without thinking I gathered up my boys, we climbed in Justin's car when over to this jerkoff's house and when he answered the door, I beat the ever loving shit out of him.  Don't get me wrong he got a couple of hits on me also, but I was in an abusive relationship at that point so I'd learned how to take a couple of hits (that's a whole 'nother story right there).  Anyway after that everyone called me a "Crazy Ass Bitch" at school.  I was fine with that label, because before that I was either "slut" or "bitch," but atleast with this label people thought twice about messing with my friends or my siblings.

When I got in college I realized how selfish I was.  That selfishness sort of tied into the protective thing, because whatever or whoever I had welcomed into my life, or cared about, or claimed as belonging to me, was mine and I might share with you, but if I did and you abused it, well, my protective instincts flared up and I'd have to go all ape-shit on you.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how possessive I am also.  I don't know how many times in the last few months I've heard the word "MINE!" when thinking about a friend or a family member or one of my kids from the LGBT center group.  My friend.  My sibling.  My kids.  My mother.  My Tweepling (someone that follows me on Twitter) etc.

Anyway, I know you're probably wondering what brought this rant of mine on.  A few things actually.  They switched my VA doctor and that affected the LGBT teen group that I volunteer with because I won't be able to see them as often, which made my heart and mind flared up into "MY kids!" majorly.  I had that horrible day yesterday, and then today I read a post by one of "my" boys that so infuriated me that I honestly had to take my own deep breath.

I've been told by friends that it's because I'm a Scorpio and we wear our hearts on our sleeves, so it doesn't take much for us to fall for someone, to start to care for someone and to become protective over them because of that caring.  My friend Angel says it's just because my heart is so big.  I think it's because of all that I've gone through, seen and experienced.

I've always been the one who took on the plight of "the little people."  Even in high school, while I was being bullied for being black, ugly, skinny, flat-chested, nerdy, and a slut I always hung out with the outcasts and stood up for the people being picked on.  It was so easy for me to open my heart and my life to these people, especially to "the gays", because they were usually the ones who opened their hearts and lives to me.

So, anyway (let me finish this before I go chasing that rabbit down his hole *snicker*), I realized today while I was reading this post that I am a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.  I am of the mindset that you do not hurt my friends, and if you've hurt them in the past then you ask for forgiveness now, and do it quick before I find out about it or you're going to have to deal with me and I fight with precision and skill.  The Army taught me how.

And yes, I know not too many people want someone in their life with that kind of aggression and I can assure you, I am the nicest, sweetest, "most adorable" person 99.9% of the time.  However, when someone I consider a friend, or want to consider a friend, or a brother, or a sister, or one of my kids is hurt, well then 0.01% of the time, I'm out of my wheelchair, or off of my cane and it's like I was never injured in the Army and I'm kicking ass, either physically or verbally.

I told my Marmie about my little epiphany and she just laughed and said, "Oh Vee honey, are you just realizing this?  I knew this when at the age of 5, you beat up some 10 year old boy because he pushed two other little kids down at the park.  And these two kids?  One was 8 and one was 6, both older and bigger than you.  One of them was a boy and honey, neither of them were black.  You just looked at me and said 'Marmie, that boy just did something bad,' then you stomped off over to him, hit him in the stomach and then punched him in the nose, before pushing him to the ground."  I was shocked because I swear I don't remember doing this, I asked her what she did and she said that after she got over her initial shock, I got a "whupping" (which is TOTALLY different from the "spankings" that other kids get.  If you have a black friend ask them to describe the horror of a "whupping"-LOL) for fighting.  Probably why I blocked it out.

But that's me, male, female, man, woman, boy, girl, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, cross dresser, hermaphrodite, tri-sexual, bi-curious, atheist, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hinduist, Muslim, black, white, hispanic, asian, indian, native american, it doesn't matter to me, I fall for the heart of a person.  Sometimes I can tap into that heart from just a simple "Vee, I read your profile and you seem so cool, I'd love to get to know you better!" or an offhanded "Thank you for your service" or even a deeper "You're worth replying to," but I trust my instincts and my intuition and since I have this "really big heart" that I "wear" on my "sleeve" I open my heart to people quicker, easier than most others and yes, that sets me up to have my heart broken and crushed a lot more often than others as well, but because of that, my heart heals quickly so that the next person can move right on in and once you're in, all I want to do is protect you, take care of you, make you happy and yes, be selfish, possessive and protective as hell over you, but I think it's worth it.

I have bought friends cars, performed weddings and civil ceremonies, played matchmaker, babysat, gone on road trips, helped friends find jobs, apartments, houses, flown all over the country and the world just to comfort them or to share in their joy, to be there when they perform on Broadway for the first time or to help them eat Rocky Road ice cream when they find out that their partner of the last eight years has been cheating on them and gave them AIDS.  I do these things without blinking, without hesitation, because I love and I love hard, fiercely and forever.  And I'm not saying these things to make myself seem like some amazing, superwoman, because I'm not.  I am hopelessly flawed (to quote Jo March from Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women") and I'm bold and blunt about those flaws and I can get to the point where I just take a few days and go off by myself with no word to anyone, just to have some "ME" time, but I am me.

I am a selfish, possessive, protective, loving, giving, understanding, compassionate, funny, talented, trusting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, faithful and caring....bitch.