Something You'd Never Know Part Two

So yesterday I spent a while on a thread on GR speaking about coming to terms with being transgender.  Now I know that the people questioning me were not attacking me, but I didn't realize this at first, it took me venting and shaking and crying to a friend of mine before I realized that these people were probably just trying to understand me.

See unless you email me you'd never know how I agonized over coming out.  You'd never know the conversations I had with Sidney and Thorny and K Ray and Luci and Kate.  You wouldn't have read the emails where I tried to rationalize how I felt, tried to explain it away, tried to ignore it, laugh it off, the way I had a panic attack when I realized the truth about who I really am.

It's not something I shared here on my blog.

And maybe that was wrong.  I mean I have always prided myself on being open with you all, but I don't share everything, some things are just for me.  Just as you're entitled to your privacy, I am entitled to mine.  So I didn't share that.

I didn't share that I tried to commit suicide about two months ago.  That I picked up a knife and tried to slice my wrists because I was so freaked out about everything, that it took my friend Keesha and an email from Thorny to save my life.

It's not something I wanted to share.

I also didn't share that when I was growing up I never wanted to wear skirts or dresses.  I hated the stupid purses my mother used to always buy me and that every Easter when my mother and aunt would go out and buy our Easter clothes I always pitched a fit because I wanted to wear a suit and not a "stupid dress with lace and flowers."  I didn't mention that when I was 10 and I had that tantrum that my mother pulled out this thin leather belt and whipped me in the dressing room and then told me that if I cried too loudly she was going to get my father to deal with me when we got home.  That was the last time I tried to fight about wearing a suit.

It's not something I wanted to share.

I didn't tell you all about the day that I realized that I didn't actually love my tits and being a woman, but I loved my family and I knew that if I didn't have those things, if I didn't live as a woman, wearing heels, wearing makeup, wearing flattering outfits that I wouldn't have my family anymore.  And it may be wrong, but I loved my family enough to be the woman who merely wanted a dick and prostate that could be hidden from plain sight in order to keep my family.

It's not something I thought I had to share.

Many of you read the post when I talked about my mother finding the pamphlets and brochures about reassignment surgery.  Many of you read the post where I talked about the exorcism I endured.  You all saw the way I stopped talking about my desire to be both and my need to be what I'd been fighting my whole life, being a man.

It's not something I thought I had to share.

There are times when I still think of myself as "bi-gender" or what others are calling gender queer, is it because that's a more accurate description of who I am?  No.  It's because at this point I'm still filled with glass sticking out from skin, still so emotionally fragile and hurt and sensitive that I am still fighting my need to dress up in women's clothes (what to me would be considered "drag") and go to my parents's house and beg them to let me come back, to turn my back on everything and just continue living as I have been.  Hiding my books, ignoring my need, my desires, my dreams, my wants, my truth, in order to have my family, in order to not be homeless in order to know who I am, even if who I am is a lie.  This whole feeling like a man but seeing a woman is horrific for me.  I avoid the mirrors.  I don't brush my hair or my teeth in front of the mirror, because I don't like seeing a woman looking back at me.  That's not something I've ever told you.

It's not something I wanted to share.

But reading the comments and the questions on this thread I had to ask myself if I was remiss in not doing so. Can I let you in 75% and then hide 25% from you?  But is it fair to offer up all of me to people who are offering me nothing?  Not necessarily you all, but people on the thread.

My life is, for the most part, an open book.  I don't mind answering questions for those who are trying to get a general understanding of my life and the process I am undertaking, the transition I am going through.  I want people to understand, but at the same time I want them to understand that on here, in this blog on GR, on twitter and tumblr, I'm not going to give you 100% of me.  It's not fair to ask that of me and especially if you're not going to give me the same thing in return.  Realize that of the millions of thoughts that run through my head, the emotions I've dealt with, the memories I have, the interactions I've experienced, the childhood I grew up with, I may only share with you 2 of them and that's fine.  Don't ask me for something that you're not going to give and don't instantly go on the defensive if I feel as if you're attacking me because of you asking me something that most people already know.

There are different facets to me.  There are parts of me that I'm realizing are just reflections of my parents, my family.  There are echoes in my brain and my heart that aren't my voice, but their voices of condemnation and judgement.  There are things that I will share and things that you will never, ever know.  If there's ever a time when you want to ask me a question, however: "Vic you said this five months ago and now you're saying this, what gives?"  Realize that I'll answer, but also understand that I'm like Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride" after she met Richard Gere, except Richard Gere was my true self and in order to be "with" my true self I have to figure out how I really think about some things, what I really like and what I really don't, who I really am and how I really feel about that.  I'm growing and learning and living my truth and even though I've pretty much invited you all to go on this journey with me by having this blog, there are still some things that you will never know.

You can accept it or hit the unfollow button, it's that simple.  Not saying that I won't miss seeing your comments, but at this stage in my life I've had about all I can handle of people only supporting me if I fit into their idea of how I should live, of people who say: this is who you are and you can never change, or people who say: everyone who says they are like you have felt like this, you don't so you're not one of them.  Realize that b/c I didn't share it doesn't mean that I didn't feel it or think it.  It's just something that I didn't share with you.

And that's perfectly fine.

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}
-Vic

Truth in a Joke-I am Static, I am Bi-Gender, I am Me

So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him.  I helped to raise him.  We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday.").  So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother.  Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him.  I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant.  He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair."  We both laughed but you know what?  I wonder if he was really being honest with me.

I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"?  I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this.  Feeling both male and female.  Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself.  Plus I love my tits you know?  But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered.  As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.

I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man.  So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin.  What steps to take, who to talk to.

What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this?  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others.  Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
      There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?