Truth in a Joke-I am Static, I am Bi-Gender, I am Me

So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him.  I helped to raise him.  We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday.").  So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother.  Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him.  I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant.  He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair."  We both laughed but you know what?  I wonder if he was really being honest with me.

I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"?  I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this.  Feeling both male and female.  Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself.  Plus I love my tits you know?  But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered.  As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.

I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man.  So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin.  What steps to take, who to talk to.

What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this?  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others.  Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
      There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?

You'd Just Be a Drag Queen

Okay so I teased in a post about me asking my doctor about me getting a sex change. Ever since it seems as if that's all that some friends of mine can talk about. They ask me if I was serious (*shrug* maybe. I honestly love my strap-on, but I also love the taste of a man's cock in my mouth or licking his ass and m__ost importantly being fucked by a man with muscles and everything), what would I do with myself if I did get it done (find some really hot gay guy and fall in love and duck his brains out, so he'd have to be open to being a bottom, a lot of the time-LOL) and then from out of nowhere my friend Angel, the newly married major queen that I have known since freshman year of high school tells me today during Skype "It doesn't matter if you got the surgery or not, you'd just be a drag queen anyway." I wanted to laugh but there are sometimes when I feel like, even as a woman, that I'm dressed in drag, just impersonating a woman. So I included a picture of what I looked like when I talked to Angel, this look inspired that one-sided decision about me going to the doctor to become a man.

I honestly don't know if I can say that I feel like I should have been born a man instead of a girl. I want to have a baby so badly that I ache with it sometimes, I want to be pregnant so much that I have told every gay male couple that I am close to that I know wants to have children that I will be surrogate or egg donor and surrogate, whichever they want. I also love my breasts and love putting on makeup and wearing heels and dresses. So at those times all I want to be is a woman. So it's a I guess I am just weird thing. The woman who wants to be a gay man who dresses up like a woman.

Tell that to someone who knows me and they'll say "That foolishness only belongs to Vee-Vee." LOL.

So until my own brain makes sense I just smile and laugh and ignore their pressure to go and get the surgery done until they'll all drift away. I don't know what I'll do if I will end up doing anything. So frustrating.

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