Ouch!

"I do not have to accept you.  The law may have to give you certain rights, but I don't have agree or accept your choice and your new found lifestyle."  These words are still ringing in my ears even though my mother said them to me an hour ago.

Let me back up.

I had an appointment with the VA at 0945.

I forgot.

Blame my pain meds, I took a cyclobenzaprine and it's 10mg and it always knocks me out.  I didn't wake up until 0900 and it took 15 minutes for the fog to clear and then I wanted to finish my paperwork for my SSI disability stuff.  So anyway, I didn't remember my appointment until my mother knocked on my door and came into my bedroom to hand me the phone where my doctor was calling to make sure I was okay.  This is because the last time I missed an appointment with her it was because I'd fallen out of the bed and was laying on the ground for two hours in pain-yeah, my family didn't realize I was down there-sucks, *shrug* but it's life-now I always have my cane on hand as well as my cellphone-I'm not a complete invalid but when you have a back and a hip injury and you're already laying on the edge of the bed because your clean laundry is on the other side of the bed, because you just felt too lazy to do it?  Yeah rolling off the bed isn't unfeasible.  My cane was by the wall next to my chair, my cell was in the kitchen-I've since learned to conquer my laziness and do my laundry in its entirety before bed. LOL.

So, my mother hands me the phone and then she notices the brochures, notes, websites, papers, groups, etc. related to transgender, bi-gender and transsexuals and related to gender reassignment surgery.  I noticed her noticing and my stomach dropped, my heart leaped into my throat and tears came to my eyes.  I know that I should have been more optimistic, but I also know my family and my mother, she was livid, so mad she was shaking (yeah, you see where I get it from).  She let me finish my call and then she started in on me.

Mom:  Vee, what's this?
Vee:  A brochure.
Mom:  I know it's a brochure.
Vee:  So why'd you ask what it was? (I told you I'm rebellious and a bitch, even with my mom sometimes)
Mom:  Don't get smart with me young lady (since when am I a young lady?), why do you have this filth in my house?
Vee:  It's not porn Marmie.  It's brochures about gender reassignment surgery, transgenders, bi-genders, transsexuals-
Mom:  It's about homosexuality and saying that God made a mistake when He made you a girl.
Vee:  No, I'm saying society made a mistake when they said I could ONLY be a girl.  God made me both and you said He never mistakes.
Mom:  So you're saying God made you this way?
Vee:  I don't understand.  You tell people that people are born gay, but I can't be born bi-gender?
Mom:  No.
Vee:  Why?
Mom:  Because you're my child.  No child of mine is gay or bi anything.  I raised you to know better.
Vee:  I'm still me!  None of that has changed!  I'm still the same girl I was yesterday and last week and last month and last year.  Nothing about me has changed except I'm more comfortable in my skin.  I'm on my way to being happy.  Don't you want me to be happy?
Mom:  Not if you're going to be happy on Earth only to wind up in hell.
Vee:  *rolling eyes* So now I'm going to hell?  There's no verse in the Bible that says I'd go to hell for having my sex changed.
Mom:  But there's one about homosexuality.
Vee:  Don't go there.  You read the paper I wrote on that, so you know you're wrong.  Besides, since you say I was only born a girl, I'd still be having sex with men, just with a penis.  So think of it this way.  They'd be gay, I'd still be straight.
Mom:  Don't joke with me.
Vee:  Don't turn your back on me and condemn me to hell and stop loving me because I'm different.
Mom: I'll never stop loving you Vee *sigh* You know that.
Vee:  You just won't accept me...
(silence)
Mom:  I do not have to accept you.  The law may have to give you certain rights, but I don't have agree or accept your choice and your new found lifestyle.
(silence)
Vee:  I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Mom:  Okay, but you know that I won't accept this, if you get this done, to me you will forever be my daughter and I won't let up until you get the surgery reversed and you know your stepfather-
Vee:  What about him?
Mom:  If you get it done, he'll want nothing else to do with you.
Vee:  Meaning, I'll have to move out and find another place to stay.
Mom: (shrug)
Vee:  Can you just go please?

Then she walked out.  This conversation is etched in my brain.  I wish I could say this is the first time my mother has told me that my stepfather is going to "kick me out" and she's going to support him, but it's not.  I am painfully aware that I am no longer a priority in my mother's life and that's as it should be.  I'm an adult and really only living here because all of my benefits and disability money isn't enough to sustain me living on my own right now.  But if I did?  I wouldn't be here and this wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not telling you all this to garner sympathy.  I don't need it.  I knew that this was a possible outcome when I went to see the doctor.  I'm telling you all this so that you can come to the same realization that I did.  My family's opinion of me doesn't matter.  My opinion of myself is all that matters.  Me.  I can't make THEM happy and myself miserable, trying to please everyone is what leads to depression and thoughts of suicide and suicide attempts and all manner of things that you do to ease the pain of pleasing everyone but yourself.  I have to please me.  I have to make me happy first and then and only then can I worry about everyone else.

I'll probably have to come back and read this myself a few times over the next couple of years just to remind myself of this truth.  But I can do that.  What I can't do is continue to live for others.  I must live for myself.

So while my mother's words induced an "Ouch!" reaction in my heart, it didn't shatter my spirit or destroy my soul as I thought it would be and to me, that's a victory in itself.

For Veronica to Become Roni or Vic

I am, right now, sitting in a doctor's office with my friend K. Ray who drove all the way up from Miami just to take me to this appt and somewhat listening to the doctor describe the surgery and the steps I would need to take in order to become Veronica/Vic.

I know what you're thinking "Vee! Pay attention!" I am! But this doctor is really making me want to blog about him. I've never had a doctor try to talk me OUT of any type of surgery, but this one keeps talking about how beautiful I am as a young woman and why would I want to lose that to become a man.

Idiot.

He obviously didn't listen to me. So my friend K. Ray is arguing with him: "She has gorgeous tits! She doesn't want to lose them idiot! She just wants a cock! Preferably a nice, big, thick, long one that can get erect and she can fuck a man's ass!"

I love K. She really shocked the doctor then. Now he's wondering why I want to fuck a man.

Idiot.

Is this what I want? To let some doctor who doesn't agree with what I want for my life, how I feel inside, who I really am, operate on me? My family, who is going through enough hell with my brother won't understand what I need to do and I haven't told them. This is my big secret. It's been my secret for the last 27 years.

I'm sick of being who people think I should be. And this poor doctor is horrified that I WANT to be half woman and half man instead of just choosing. Atleast he hasn't called me a freak yet, although I have to wonder if he's thinking it. If he thinks it about all his patients.

I tell him that I want to fuck a man...or men *shrug* because I am both a straight woman and a gay man. Both sides of me like cock and a man's tight ass. So sue me.

I think he realizes I am serious. Or maybe he's noticed my Army Veterans card in my wallet when I go to pull out my I.D. but whatever it is he's smiling now and I am still listening with half an ear. I have my brochures, I am laying on this bed in a hospital gown with my girly bits exposed, let's get this over with.

******30 Minutes Later******

My consultation is over. It's possible. Not common. But possible. The amount I will have to pay is breathtaking. It's a partial Gender reassignment, I don't want a hysterectomy, I just want a cock...and maybe a prostate, but they don't do that yet. It's still expensive. I could buy a chest full of strap-on dildos and still have enough to move anywhere in the US that I wanted, but it wouldn't be the same. I want to feel myself get erect. I want to be able to whip out my hard cock and fuck some hot guy's ass, while my tits bounce. LOL.

It's me. Makes no sense. But it's me. K. Ray is beyond supportive, though she thinks I should just buy stock in strap-ons especially since it's safer, non-invasive and when I want to be a girl I can still fully be a girl.

And that's true as well.

So what do I do? I have identified what would make me happy, why I have felt like a stranger in my body for years, why I was unhappy for so long.

Can I continue to live as I have? Is simply identifying the problem enough or can I actually allow myself to undergo this expensive genital reassignment surgery that will give me not only a fully functioning cock that gets erect but testicles as well? Especially when that's what I want?

More importantly can I live with the fact that this surgery may just make me single for the rest of my life?

I really will be considered a "freak" to some people. I may have to live my life alone with the body I want, as the person I feel like I am on the inside, but with no one to share it with.

I cried in the car on the way home. My soul is crying out for this, for something that represents who I really am, but my heart trembles at the thought that I won't or can't find anyone to love me the way I really am.

I mean I've spent this long being a woman...I can keep pretending that that's all I am right?

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You'd Just Be a Drag Queen

Okay so I teased in a post about me asking my doctor about me getting a sex change. Ever since it seems as if that's all that some friends of mine can talk about. They ask me if I was serious (*shrug* maybe. I honestly love my strap-on, but I also love the taste of a man's cock in my mouth or licking his ass and m__ost importantly being fucked by a man with muscles and everything), what would I do with myself if I did get it done (find some really hot gay guy and fall in love and duck his brains out, so he'd have to be open to being a bottom, a lot of the time-LOL) and then from out of nowhere my friend Angel, the newly married major queen that I have known since freshman year of high school tells me today during Skype "It doesn't matter if you got the surgery or not, you'd just be a drag queen anyway." I wanted to laugh but there are sometimes when I feel like, even as a woman, that I'm dressed in drag, just impersonating a woman. So I included a picture of what I looked like when I talked to Angel, this look inspired that one-sided decision about me going to the doctor to become a man.

I honestly don't know if I can say that I feel like I should have been born a man instead of a girl. I want to have a baby so badly that I ache with it sometimes, I want to be pregnant so much that I have told every gay male couple that I am close to that I know wants to have children that I will be surrogate or egg donor and surrogate, whichever they want. I also love my breasts and love putting on makeup and wearing heels and dresses. So at those times all I want to be is a woman. So it's a I guess I am just weird thing. The woman who wants to be a gay man who dresses up like a woman.

Tell that to someone who knows me and they'll say "That foolishness only belongs to Vee-Vee." LOL.

So until my own brain makes sense I just smile and laugh and ignore their pressure to go and get the surgery done until they'll all drift away. I don't know what I'll do if I will end up doing anything. So frustrating.

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