I know what you're thinking "Vee! Pay attention!" I am! But this doctor is really making me want to blog about him. I've never had a doctor try to talk me OUT of any type of surgery, but this one keeps talking about how beautiful I am as a young woman and why would I want to lose that to become a man.
Idiot.
He obviously didn't listen to me. So my friend K. Ray is arguing with him: "She has gorgeous tits! She doesn't want to lose them idiot! She just wants a cock! Preferably a nice, big, thick, long one that can get erect and she can fuck a man's ass!"
I love K. She really shocked the doctor then. Now he's wondering why I want to fuck a man.
Idiot.
Is this what I want? To let some doctor who doesn't agree with what I want for my life, how I feel inside, who I really am, operate on me? My family, who is going through enough hell with my brother won't understand what I need to do and I haven't told them. This is my big secret. It's been my secret for the last 27 years.
I'm sick of being who people think I should be. And this poor doctor is horrified that I WANT to be half woman and half man instead of just choosing. Atleast he hasn't called me a freak yet, although I have to wonder if he's thinking it. If he thinks it about all his patients.
I tell him that I want to fuck a man...or men *shrug* because I am both a straight woman and a gay man. Both sides of me like cock and a man's tight ass. So sue me.
I think he realizes I am serious. Or maybe he's noticed my Army Veterans card in my wallet when I go to pull out my I.D. but whatever it is he's smiling now and I am still listening with half an ear. I have my brochures, I am laying on this bed in a hospital gown with my girly bits exposed, let's get this over with.
******30 Minutes Later******
My consultation is over. It's possible. Not common. But possible. The amount I will have to pay is breathtaking. It's a partial Gender reassignment, I don't want a hysterectomy, I just want a cock...and maybe a prostate, but they don't do that yet. It's still expensive. I could buy a chest full of strap-on dildos and still have enough to move anywhere in the US that I wanted, but it wouldn't be the same. I want to feel myself get erect. I want to be able to whip out my hard cock and fuck some hot guy's ass, while my tits bounce. LOL.
It's me. Makes no sense. But it's me. K. Ray is beyond supportive, though she thinks I should just buy stock in strap-ons especially since it's safer, non-invasive and when I want to be a girl I can still fully be a girl.
And that's true as well.
So what do I do? I have identified what would make me happy, why I have felt like a stranger in my body for years, why I was unhappy for so long.
Can I continue to live as I have? Is simply identifying the problem enough or can I actually allow myself to undergo this expensive genital reassignment surgery that will give me not only a fully functioning cock that gets erect but testicles as well? Especially when that's what I want?
More importantly can I live with the fact that this surgery may just make me single for the rest of my life?
I really will be considered a "freak" to some people. I may have to live my life alone with the body I want, as the person I feel like I am on the inside, but with no one to share it with.
I cried in the car on the way home. My soul is crying out for this, for something that represents who I really am, but my heart trembles at the thought that I won't or can't find anyone to love me the way I really am.
I mean I've spent this long being a woman...I can keep pretending that that's all I am right?
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Sweets, there is no goddamn answer to that. None. Who are you? Look you in the eye and tell it for real. What will it give you that you haven't got? What will you lose that you want to keep? And the answer that's right for you will sit on your shoulder the entire time screaming and completely ignoring the facts.
ReplyDeleteThere is no room in here for other people's opinions. It is about you, about total honesty in the quiet of your soul. And everything else is just cake.
And now I'm crying.
ReplyDeleteCrap.
ReplyDelete....Sorry? :-(
No, no!!! It's good crying. Don't apologize. It's crying because I know what I need to do. I know that I might lose friends. I know that my family may...probably will turn their backs on me. I know that hell I might be alone for the rest of my life, but goddammit I would rather be alone and feel like a whole ME, with my heart, soul, mind and spirit at peace than to keep making myself miserable on the off CHANCE that I might meet someone.
ReplyDeleteI'm sick of being half of me, I'm ready to be whole.
Oh! Good crying is good :-)
ReplyDeleteThere's always a chance of meeting someone. I believe there's whole fetishes related to chicks with dicks. People are all different and have different tastes.
Really? I'd be a fetish? That's kinda cool. LOL
ReplyDeleteLMFAO.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, VeeVee - Google "chicks with dicks". There's heaps of stuff.
I'm on it!
ReplyDeleteHi VeeVee,
ReplyDeletejust like Kate said... It's about you and not about anybody else. You need to be happy and to be whole, you can't live with only half you soul the rest of your life. I know this is probably the hardest decision you ever have to make but I am convinced you will decide right. See what you will gain, consider what you will lose. You are a brave and strong, you will find your way and you will go it because you are a wonderful, caring, beautiful and tough person.
And I am convinced that you will find someone to love you because you are loveable and the right one will see in your heart and soul and snatch you up and never let go. {hugs}
Thank you so much for that Katharina. I really needed that encouragement.
ReplyDeleteWhat they said. :D
ReplyDeleteIn the end, it's you're decision. And it's a deeply personal one. You will make the right choices for yourself.
It's up to everyone else to accept you. The whole you, not as they wish to perceive you, or just the pieces they agree with.
~xxx~
Xara I think that's the biggest deciding factor for me and it's what I told K. Ray today, that my whole life I've been giving people half of me, a piece of me and I don’t think I can live with myself if I continue to do that now that I know that I have been and why. You're right though that it's ultimately my decision.
ReplyDeleteOk, it's trite but oh so true- we have to live our truth (as honestly and sincerely as we can). Hugs
ReplyDelete"Live our truth." I read that and exhaled. Thank you Luci.
ReplyDeleteI know for a fact that the only thing that would make me more perfect in my husband's eyes (other than acquiring a taste for cheese) is if I had a cock to fuck him with, because he likes it up the ass, but he's not attracted to men. He needs the tits in a big way.
ReplyDeleteSo, yes, there are men who would accept you as you are.
You wouldn't want mine though. Not beary/muscly enough for you. He's a teddy. He'd probably let you play with us, though. =)