Wow

That's the only thing that I've had in my mind all day.  From 7 o'clock this morning until now, the word "wow" with a negative connotation has been swirling around in my brain all day.

I am a very empathetic person.  I hate for people around me to be hurt, emotionally, physically, not just because I love them or care for them and don't want them to suffer but also for selfish reasons.

I feel nauseous, flush hot like I have a fever and shake.

Call me crazy, call me insane, it doesn't matter, but either way my friends and family either call me because they know that I'll feel their emotional pain (I cry with them, sometimes for them, I get angry on their behalf) or they don't call me for that same reason.

It's the reason that my brother didn't tell me what was going on with him.  Why just last night I found out about EVERYTHING that was being said between him and the mother of his child.  No one told me because I would "overreact" or "just get sick."

I said all that to say this: today has been a day when I swear I feel as though I've been put through the emotional wringer, from a car accident early this morning (very small, minor ding, no one was hurt), to a dear friend feeling emotionally raw, to the identities and realities of people I have come to care about being called into question, I think I've said "Wow" a lot today.

And my problem is that I have the "fix-it" gene and so I want to fix cars, fix relationships, defend people, solve problems of everyone in the world.  But it's just not possible.

The other problem is that these things so affect me that my creative self suffers.  I can't write.  My mind is racing 1,000,000 miles a minute and all I can think about is if everyone is okay and what can I do to help and did I overstep when I said or did this or am I being a pest by asking if everyone's okay and what if I'm getting on everyone's nerves?

Even when I could dance, when moments like this happened, I couldn't dance.  I could barely focus enough to read, I'd sit and watch the television without really understanding anything and I couldn't eat no matter how hungry I got (hey I lost weight at least right?).

And I'm not sharing this to make people feel bad like "Can't tell Vee anything she might have a panic attack," or to make anyone feel guilty because I think it's the mark of a true friend that they care for you so much that they feel what you feel while still being able to tell you what you need to hear.  This may of course be my arrogance that I'm a really good friend of course.  However, I'm sharing this because in light of everything today I was talking with Kate, someone I'm beginning to really consider as a friend, and I told her that I'm completely real about my flaws.

Hell, I've got a whole post that says I'm a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.

You can't get more real than that.

I feel like while the Internet is great for reinventing yourself, almost living a life of fantasy, not everyone is that way.  For me, the fantasy world, the fake me is what I show my family.  I am who they want me to be (for now), but online?  Where I'm forging relationships with people who can't just walk into my room to see if it's real?  I'm MORE honest, I'm truthful, I'm real.

So while none of what happened today is about me (and that's a first-LOL), I just wanted to let you few people know who find me interesting enough to care what I have to say, that what you "read" is what you get.  I am a flawed individual and I'm going to share it with you.  My major flaws and everything.  If you don't like it, you can always unfollow or forget this page ever existed, but for those of you who appreciate it, I thank you.

I know that life's a bitch (and then you die) and I know that I have more days of "Wow" ahead of me...but I'm going to be real with all of you as I go through them.

So all of that to say this, I wanted to write another part of "Inconceivable" today, but I can't.  My brain has shut down.  I'll post tomorrow and be more of my normal, bitchy, happy, morose, confused, self-absorbed self (LOL I know that's not how I usually am but that's me here lately), but today?  I'm feeling the emotional pull of my friends and family and so I'm going to spend the day trying to pull myself out of the emotional mire that I put myself into.

*Hope everyone on the East coast is safe and nothing was too damaged and that no one lost anything really valuable!  {HUGZ}