Wow

That's the only thing that I've had in my mind all day.  From 7 o'clock this morning until now, the word "wow" with a negative connotation has been swirling around in my brain all day.

I am a very empathetic person.  I hate for people around me to be hurt, emotionally, physically, not just because I love them or care for them and don't want them to suffer but also for selfish reasons.

I feel nauseous, flush hot like I have a fever and shake.

Call me crazy, call me insane, it doesn't matter, but either way my friends and family either call me because they know that I'll feel their emotional pain (I cry with them, sometimes for them, I get angry on their behalf) or they don't call me for that same reason.

It's the reason that my brother didn't tell me what was going on with him.  Why just last night I found out about EVERYTHING that was being said between him and the mother of his child.  No one told me because I would "overreact" or "just get sick."

I said all that to say this: today has been a day when I swear I feel as though I've been put through the emotional wringer, from a car accident early this morning (very small, minor ding, no one was hurt), to a dear friend feeling emotionally raw, to the identities and realities of people I have come to care about being called into question, I think I've said "Wow" a lot today.

And my problem is that I have the "fix-it" gene and so I want to fix cars, fix relationships, defend people, solve problems of everyone in the world.  But it's just not possible.

The other problem is that these things so affect me that my creative self suffers.  I can't write.  My mind is racing 1,000,000 miles a minute and all I can think about is if everyone is okay and what can I do to help and did I overstep when I said or did this or am I being a pest by asking if everyone's okay and what if I'm getting on everyone's nerves?

Even when I could dance, when moments like this happened, I couldn't dance.  I could barely focus enough to read, I'd sit and watch the television without really understanding anything and I couldn't eat no matter how hungry I got (hey I lost weight at least right?).

And I'm not sharing this to make people feel bad like "Can't tell Vee anything she might have a panic attack," or to make anyone feel guilty because I think it's the mark of a true friend that they care for you so much that they feel what you feel while still being able to tell you what you need to hear.  This may of course be my arrogance that I'm a really good friend of course.  However, I'm sharing this because in light of everything today I was talking with Kate, someone I'm beginning to really consider as a friend, and I told her that I'm completely real about my flaws.

Hell, I've got a whole post that says I'm a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.

You can't get more real than that.

I feel like while the Internet is great for reinventing yourself, almost living a life of fantasy, not everyone is that way.  For me, the fantasy world, the fake me is what I show my family.  I am who they want me to be (for now), but online?  Where I'm forging relationships with people who can't just walk into my room to see if it's real?  I'm MORE honest, I'm truthful, I'm real.

So while none of what happened today is about me (and that's a first-LOL), I just wanted to let you few people know who find me interesting enough to care what I have to say, that what you "read" is what you get.  I am a flawed individual and I'm going to share it with you.  My major flaws and everything.  If you don't like it, you can always unfollow or forget this page ever existed, but for those of you who appreciate it, I thank you.

I know that life's a bitch (and then you die) and I know that I have more days of "Wow" ahead of me...but I'm going to be real with all of you as I go through them.

So all of that to say this, I wanted to write another part of "Inconceivable" today, but I can't.  My brain has shut down.  I'll post tomorrow and be more of my normal, bitchy, happy, morose, confused, self-absorbed self (LOL I know that's not how I usually am but that's me here lately), but today?  I'm feeling the emotional pull of my friends and family and so I'm going to spend the day trying to pull myself out of the emotional mire that I put myself into.

*Hope everyone on the East coast is safe and nothing was too damaged and that no one lost anything really valuable!  {HUGZ}

For Veronica to Become Roni or Vic

I am, right now, sitting in a doctor's office with my friend K. Ray who drove all the way up from Miami just to take me to this appt and somewhat listening to the doctor describe the surgery and the steps I would need to take in order to become Veronica/Vic.

I know what you're thinking "Vee! Pay attention!" I am! But this doctor is really making me want to blog about him. I've never had a doctor try to talk me OUT of any type of surgery, but this one keeps talking about how beautiful I am as a young woman and why would I want to lose that to become a man.

Idiot.

He obviously didn't listen to me. So my friend K. Ray is arguing with him: "She has gorgeous tits! She doesn't want to lose them idiot! She just wants a cock! Preferably a nice, big, thick, long one that can get erect and she can fuck a man's ass!"

I love K. She really shocked the doctor then. Now he's wondering why I want to fuck a man.

Idiot.

Is this what I want? To let some doctor who doesn't agree with what I want for my life, how I feel inside, who I really am, operate on me? My family, who is going through enough hell with my brother won't understand what I need to do and I haven't told them. This is my big secret. It's been my secret for the last 27 years.

I'm sick of being who people think I should be. And this poor doctor is horrified that I WANT to be half woman and half man instead of just choosing. Atleast he hasn't called me a freak yet, although I have to wonder if he's thinking it. If he thinks it about all his patients.

I tell him that I want to fuck a man...or men *shrug* because I am both a straight woman and a gay man. Both sides of me like cock and a man's tight ass. So sue me.

I think he realizes I am serious. Or maybe he's noticed my Army Veterans card in my wallet when I go to pull out my I.D. but whatever it is he's smiling now and I am still listening with half an ear. I have my brochures, I am laying on this bed in a hospital gown with my girly bits exposed, let's get this over with.

******30 Minutes Later******

My consultation is over. It's possible. Not common. But possible. The amount I will have to pay is breathtaking. It's a partial Gender reassignment, I don't want a hysterectomy, I just want a cock...and maybe a prostate, but they don't do that yet. It's still expensive. I could buy a chest full of strap-on dildos and still have enough to move anywhere in the US that I wanted, but it wouldn't be the same. I want to feel myself get erect. I want to be able to whip out my hard cock and fuck some hot guy's ass, while my tits bounce. LOL.

It's me. Makes no sense. But it's me. K. Ray is beyond supportive, though she thinks I should just buy stock in strap-ons especially since it's safer, non-invasive and when I want to be a girl I can still fully be a girl.

And that's true as well.

So what do I do? I have identified what would make me happy, why I have felt like a stranger in my body for years, why I was unhappy for so long.

Can I continue to live as I have? Is simply identifying the problem enough or can I actually allow myself to undergo this expensive genital reassignment surgery that will give me not only a fully functioning cock that gets erect but testicles as well? Especially when that's what I want?

More importantly can I live with the fact that this surgery may just make me single for the rest of my life?

I really will be considered a "freak" to some people. I may have to live my life alone with the body I want, as the person I feel like I am on the inside, but with no one to share it with.

I cried in the car on the way home. My soul is crying out for this, for something that represents who I really am, but my heart trembles at the thought that I won't or can't find anyone to love me the way I really am.

I mean I've spent this long being a woman...I can keep pretending that that's all I am right?

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