Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I'm a Selfish, Possessive, Protective Bitch

I am brutally honest with everyone.  With friends, with family, with complete strangers, but especially with myself.  I have always known that I am protective.  I'm protective of those that I love, those that I care for.  Hell, in high school, I skipped school one day to go and beat my friend Angel's boyfriend's ass because he'd punched Angel and called him "a queer spic."  I'm not sure if I was more angry at the racial slur or the crack at his sexuality (especially because this guy was OBVIOUSLY gay too), but either way I was livid and when Angel showed up at school with a black eye and told us what happened, without thinking I gathered up my boys, we climbed in Justin's car when over to this jerkoff's house and when he answered the door, I beat the ever loving shit out of him.  Don't get me wrong he got a couple of hits on me also, but I was in an abusive relationship at that point so I'd learned how to take a couple of hits (that's a whole 'nother story right there).  Anyway after that everyone called me a "Crazy Ass Bitch" at school.  I was fine with that label, because before that I was either "slut" or "bitch," but atleast with this label people thought twice about messing with my friends or my siblings.

When I got in college I realized how selfish I was.  That selfishness sort of tied into the protective thing, because whatever or whoever I had welcomed into my life, or cared about, or claimed as belonging to me, was mine and I might share with you, but if I did and you abused it, well, my protective instincts flared up and I'd have to go all ape-shit on you.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how possessive I am also.  I don't know how many times in the last few months I've heard the word "MINE!" when thinking about a friend or a family member or one of my kids from the LGBT center group.  My friend.  My sibling.  My kids.  My mother.  My Tweepling (someone that follows me on Twitter) etc.

Anyway, I know you're probably wondering what brought this rant of mine on.  A few things actually.  They switched my VA doctor and that affected the LGBT teen group that I volunteer with because I won't be able to see them as often, which made my heart and mind flared up into "MY kids!" majorly.  I had that horrible day yesterday, and then today I read a post by one of "my" boys that so infuriated me that I honestly had to take my own deep breath.

I've been told by friends that it's because I'm a Scorpio and we wear our hearts on our sleeves, so it doesn't take much for us to fall for someone, to start to care for someone and to become protective over them because of that caring.  My friend Angel says it's just because my heart is so big.  I think it's because of all that I've gone through, seen and experienced.

I've always been the one who took on the plight of "the little people."  Even in high school, while I was being bullied for being black, ugly, skinny, flat-chested, nerdy, and a slut I always hung out with the outcasts and stood up for the people being picked on.  It was so easy for me to open my heart and my life to these people, especially to "the gays", because they were usually the ones who opened their hearts and lives to me.

So, anyway (let me finish this before I go chasing that rabbit down his hole *snicker*), I realized today while I was reading this post that I am a selfish, possessive, protective bitch.  I am of the mindset that you do not hurt my friends, and if you've hurt them in the past then you ask for forgiveness now, and do it quick before I find out about it or you're going to have to deal with me and I fight with precision and skill.  The Army taught me how.

And yes, I know not too many people want someone in their life with that kind of aggression and I can assure you, I am the nicest, sweetest, "most adorable" person 99.9% of the time.  However, when someone I consider a friend, or want to consider a friend, or a brother, or a sister, or one of my kids is hurt, well then 0.01% of the time, I'm out of my wheelchair, or off of my cane and it's like I was never injured in the Army and I'm kicking ass, either physically or verbally.

I told my Marmie about my little epiphany and she just laughed and said, "Oh Vee honey, are you just realizing this?  I knew this when at the age of 5, you beat up some 10 year old boy because he pushed two other little kids down at the park.  And these two kids?  One was 8 and one was 6, both older and bigger than you.  One of them was a boy and honey, neither of them were black.  You just looked at me and said 'Marmie, that boy just did something bad,' then you stomped off over to him, hit him in the stomach and then punched him in the nose, before pushing him to the ground."  I was shocked because I swear I don't remember doing this, I asked her what she did and she said that after she got over her initial shock, I got a "whupping" (which is TOTALLY different from the "spankings" that other kids get.  If you have a black friend ask them to describe the horror of a "whupping"-LOL) for fighting.  Probably why I blocked it out.

But that's me, male, female, man, woman, boy, girl, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, cross dresser, hermaphrodite, tri-sexual, bi-curious, atheist, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hinduist, Muslim, black, white, hispanic, asian, indian, native american, it doesn't matter to me, I fall for the heart of a person.  Sometimes I can tap into that heart from just a simple "Vee, I read your profile and you seem so cool, I'd love to get to know you better!" or an offhanded "Thank you for your service" or even a deeper "You're worth replying to," but I trust my instincts and my intuition and since I have this "really big heart" that I "wear" on my "sleeve" I open my heart to people quicker, easier than most others and yes, that sets me up to have my heart broken and crushed a lot more often than others as well, but because of that, my heart heals quickly so that the next person can move right on in and once you're in, all I want to do is protect you, take care of you, make you happy and yes, be selfish, possessive and protective as hell over you, but I think it's worth it.

I have bought friends cars, performed weddings and civil ceremonies, played matchmaker, babysat, gone on road trips, helped friends find jobs, apartments, houses, flown all over the country and the world just to comfort them or to share in their joy, to be there when they perform on Broadway for the first time or to help them eat Rocky Road ice cream when they find out that their partner of the last eight years has been cheating on them and gave them AIDS.  I do these things without blinking, without hesitation, because I love and I love hard, fiercely and forever.  And I'm not saying these things to make myself seem like some amazing, superwoman, because I'm not.  I am hopelessly flawed (to quote Jo March from Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women") and I'm bold and blunt about those flaws and I can get to the point where I just take a few days and go off by myself with no word to anyone, just to have some "ME" time, but I am me.

I am a selfish, possessive, protective, loving, giving, understanding, compassionate, funny, talented, trusting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, faithful and caring....bitch.


  1. I admire you for all that xo

  2. You are a wonderful woman and everybody who has you as a friend can count themselves lucky *hugs*


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