So I talked very briefly to my brother this morning and he asked me if I still loved him after everything yesterday. (DUH!) I told him that nothing he did or said would ever make me stop loving him. I helped to raise him. We've had our fights (knock-out, drag down fights-he only won once-hehehe), we've kept each other's secrets ("Vee, why do you have a plastic toy in your drawer that looks like a penis?"), and we've always stood up for each other ("Listen up bitch, you hurt my brother again, I will kick your ass from here to Sunday."). So of course I'm not going to let a little thing like him struggling with depression over the fact that he's being kept from his son and a woman he loved has been using him for his money this whole time, stop me from loving my baby brother. Even if he killed someone, I'd be UBER disappointed but I'd still love him. I asked him if he'd still love me if I got a penile implant. He laughed and said he'd wondered what was taking me so long to "grow a pair." We both laughed but you know what? I wonder if he was really being honest with me.
I know that in their own way my family loves me and that my friends support me, but if I rock their comfortable worlds and become "abnormal" or "transgendered" or "bi-gender"? I was talking to my new friend Kate about it and I confessed that I've always struggled with this. Feeling both male and female. Some days just wishing I had a dick and a cute guy to fuck in the ass and then other days feeling so feminine and wanting to be fucked myself. Plus I love my tits you know? But, I come from a Christian family and that stuff isn't even considered. As I get older and care less and less about the opinions of others, I think more about what would make me happy.
I love being a woman, but there is a part of me, a rather loud, dominant and obnoxious part of me that yearns to be a man. So while my family teases me about being a "big, biker dude" on the inside, I'm not sure that they'd be so supportive if I took steps to actually make myself more comfortable with who I am on the inside. I wouldn't even know where to begin. What steps to take, who to talk to.
What friends can I depend on to still stick around if I did this? How do I do this? Can I do this? I know for the first time in my life I feel this weight lifting slowly off of me, because I've admitted it to myself and to others. Kate teased about therapy and the truth that came shooting out of my mouth was shocking even to me:
There are times when I love being a woman, love being me, but most of the time, I wish I were a man. I'm not sure what to do with that and honestly going to therapy over the whole thing means (to me) that there's something wrong with feeling this way. I don't think that there is. I was born this way. There weren't circumstances that made me this way, no one's telling me to be this way, if anything society is telling me that I have to choose one or the other. Why? If I was born feeling "static" feeling both like a man and a woman, neither of them really conflicting with the other, both complementing the other half and both of them attracted to the same gender, what's the problem?