Ouch!

"I do not have to accept you.  The law may have to give you certain rights, but I don't have agree or accept your choice and your new found lifestyle."  These words are still ringing in my ears even though my mother said them to me an hour ago.

Let me back up.

I had an appointment with the VA at 0945.

I forgot.

Blame my pain meds, I took a cyclobenzaprine and it's 10mg and it always knocks me out.  I didn't wake up until 0900 and it took 15 minutes for the fog to clear and then I wanted to finish my paperwork for my SSI disability stuff.  So anyway, I didn't remember my appointment until my mother knocked on my door and came into my bedroom to hand me the phone where my doctor was calling to make sure I was okay.  This is because the last time I missed an appointment with her it was because I'd fallen out of the bed and was laying on the ground for two hours in pain-yeah, my family didn't realize I was down there-sucks, *shrug* but it's life-now I always have my cane on hand as well as my cellphone-I'm not a complete invalid but when you have a back and a hip injury and you're already laying on the edge of the bed because your clean laundry is on the other side of the bed, because you just felt too lazy to do it?  Yeah rolling off the bed isn't unfeasible.  My cane was by the wall next to my chair, my cell was in the kitchen-I've since learned to conquer my laziness and do my laundry in its entirety before bed. LOL.

So, my mother hands me the phone and then she notices the brochures, notes, websites, papers, groups, etc. related to transgender, bi-gender and transsexuals and related to gender reassignment surgery.  I noticed her noticing and my stomach dropped, my heart leaped into my throat and tears came to my eyes.  I know that I should have been more optimistic, but I also know my family and my mother, she was livid, so mad she was shaking (yeah, you see where I get it from).  She let me finish my call and then she started in on me.

Mom:  Vee, what's this?
Vee:  A brochure.
Mom:  I know it's a brochure.
Vee:  So why'd you ask what it was? (I told you I'm rebellious and a bitch, even with my mom sometimes)
Mom:  Don't get smart with me young lady (since when am I a young lady?), why do you have this filth in my house?
Vee:  It's not porn Marmie.  It's brochures about gender reassignment surgery, transgenders, bi-genders, transsexuals-
Mom:  It's about homosexuality and saying that God made a mistake when He made you a girl.
Vee:  No, I'm saying society made a mistake when they said I could ONLY be a girl.  God made me both and you said He never mistakes.
Mom:  So you're saying God made you this way?
Vee:  I don't understand.  You tell people that people are born gay, but I can't be born bi-gender?
Mom:  No.
Vee:  Why?
Mom:  Because you're my child.  No child of mine is gay or bi anything.  I raised you to know better.
Vee:  I'm still me!  None of that has changed!  I'm still the same girl I was yesterday and last week and last month and last year.  Nothing about me has changed except I'm more comfortable in my skin.  I'm on my way to being happy.  Don't you want me to be happy?
Mom:  Not if you're going to be happy on Earth only to wind up in hell.
Vee:  *rolling eyes* So now I'm going to hell?  There's no verse in the Bible that says I'd go to hell for having my sex changed.
Mom:  But there's one about homosexuality.
Vee:  Don't go there.  You read the paper I wrote on that, so you know you're wrong.  Besides, since you say I was only born a girl, I'd still be having sex with men, just with a penis.  So think of it this way.  They'd be gay, I'd still be straight.
Mom:  Don't joke with me.
Vee:  Don't turn your back on me and condemn me to hell and stop loving me because I'm different.
Mom: I'll never stop loving you Vee *sigh* You know that.
Vee:  You just won't accept me...
(silence)
Mom:  I do not have to accept you.  The law may have to give you certain rights, but I don't have agree or accept your choice and your new found lifestyle.
(silence)
Vee:  I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Mom:  Okay, but you know that I won't accept this, if you get this done, to me you will forever be my daughter and I won't let up until you get the surgery reversed and you know your stepfather-
Vee:  What about him?
Mom:  If you get it done, he'll want nothing else to do with you.
Vee:  Meaning, I'll have to move out and find another place to stay.
Mom: (shrug)
Vee:  Can you just go please?

Then she walked out.  This conversation is etched in my brain.  I wish I could say this is the first time my mother has told me that my stepfather is going to "kick me out" and she's going to support him, but it's not.  I am painfully aware that I am no longer a priority in my mother's life and that's as it should be.  I'm an adult and really only living here because all of my benefits and disability money isn't enough to sustain me living on my own right now.  But if I did?  I wouldn't be here and this wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not telling you all this to garner sympathy.  I don't need it.  I knew that this was a possible outcome when I went to see the doctor.  I'm telling you all this so that you can come to the same realization that I did.  My family's opinion of me doesn't matter.  My opinion of myself is all that matters.  Me.  I can't make THEM happy and myself miserable, trying to please everyone is what leads to depression and thoughts of suicide and suicide attempts and all manner of things that you do to ease the pain of pleasing everyone but yourself.  I have to please me.  I have to make me happy first and then and only then can I worry about everyone else.

I'll probably have to come back and read this myself a few times over the next couple of years just to remind myself of this truth.  But I can do that.  What I can't do is continue to live for others.  I must live for myself.

So while my mother's words induced an "Ouch!" reaction in my heart, it didn't shatter my spirit or destroy my soul as I thought it would be and to me, that's a victory in itself.