My Exorcism Last Night

I am in tears as I write this but man do I need to write it.

So yesterday was my little sister's birthday.  I was really surprised when I got an invitation to come to my parent's place for cake and ice cream but not so surprised that I was hesitant to go.  They have been telling people that I'm staying with "a friend" until all of the issues with my other friend that was raped has been dealt with.

Utter bullshit of course, but sometimes I let people live in their delusions.

So when I got the invitation (sent to my email-I wasn't even called), I called Jack at work and told him that I was heading over there for the party.

Jack: You sure they're not going to try and kidnap you and sent you to one of those camps to make you straight?
Me: (laughing) No, then they'd be making it known to others that there was something wrong with a member of their family, if anything they'll try to exorcise me.
Jack: Exercise you?  What like put you on the treadmill or something?
Me: (rolling eyes) Ex OR cise Jackson!!  Like calling for an exorcist and shit.  Try to cast the demon out of me.
Jack: The demon of homosexuality?
Me: Homosexuality, transgenderism...you know, the things that make me an abomination to God.
Jack: (pause) Transgenderism?  I'm pretty sure that's not a word.
Me: It totally is.
Jack: (chuckles) Baby, you're a writer you can't be making up words.
Me: Sweetcheeks, I'm a writer so I CAN make up words!

We laughed and talked a bit more and he told me to call him if I needed him.  But it was cake and ice cream so I didn't think that I'd need him.  I mean, it's a party right?

I was wrong.

When I showed up there were a lot of cars, I walked in and everyone sort of smiled at me and said hi.  Not too strange, but I suddenly had the feeling that I was walking into the middle of like a cult or something or you know like an ambush.  Which is exactly what it was.  I was sitting on the couch telling everyone that I was okay and that my friend was doing better and yes, as a matter of fact I am dating the policeman that I was seen with on Saturday (and what are they doing, stalking me now?) when my grandmother reached out and traced the sign of the cross on my forehead with oil.

Vegetable oil.  I didn't know if they were about to exorcise me or cook me.

I had a hand pressed against my forehead and then hands holding down my arms and legs (they were expecting me to thrash around with the demon inside of me) as everyone in the room prayed.

I seriously thought about pretending like I had a demon but then I realized that I'd be confirming what they already think, that I'm an abomination because of who I am and who I choose to love.  Not cool.  So I just lay there and did nothing.  I actually dozed off at one point.

Apparently my dozing was a sign that the spirit had left my body because I was finally at peace with my spirit.

*cough* Bullshit! *cough*

Anyway, when it was over they sat me up and asked me how I felt.  I told them that I was tired, because by that point I was.  Tired of their ignorance, tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.  Tired of feeling like I'm inferior to them for a lot of different reasons.  Whether because I'm not as skinny as the rest of them or because my skin is darker or because I'm not pretty like they think I should be, my being a transgender/bigender homosexual was just the icing on the proverbial "Vee is a fuck up" cake that is my life.  It wasn't enough that they ignored the times I was assaulted or violated or abused and then later on told me that I asked for it or that that was something for me "and God" to deal with and work out, I mean it took me some time to forgive them for that bullshit, but this time?  This time they went too far and this time I was so tired that I didn't talk except to tell them that I was tired.

So they let me get up and I just told them I was leaving and I walked out the door and drove to the store down the road.  I pulled in the parking lot and called Jack.  He and his work partner showed up and Jack drove me back to his place.  I didn't talk, I mean what could I say?  But when we pulled up in front of his house he looked at me and said, "I am going to hate like hell having to say goodbye to you, but I see now that you have to do it.  No one should have to endure that.  I didn't know it was that bad."

I did.

But honestly, I'm glad that this is happening now.  I told Thorny yesterday that even though I hate that I denied my true self for so long, I'm glad that I didn't "come out" when I was a teenager because it could have been so much worse for me.  I would have been kicked out and disowned, homeless....and you know I was homeless for three months before and it was horrible and I never want to be that way again, but having to be homeless as a teenager?  That would have been even worse.

So I am now a 27 year old (almost 28-November 16th is my b-day) disowned "orphan" I guess, no parents, no siblings, no family...  And even though it sucks to know that I pretty much don't have a family or even really a home, although I know I can stay with Jack as long as I need to (he's offered), I feel so...free.  There was this weight on me that I didn't even realize was there but now it's been lifted and I feel so much better.  So free.

So me.

So they exorcised me in an attempt to get rid of the "demon of homosexuality" but what they did was exorcised themselves from my life and they took their insulting, demeaning, heartbreaking, ignorant influences with them.

And now I'm looking ahead. Looking for a cheap studio apartment or roommates in Boston (which is where I've wanted to live since I was 6), looking for a steady source of income, writing my books and getting them published, looking forward to going to New Orleans for the GRL retreat and as Thorny told me to do: "going after LOGO", because they're going to hire me one day and they're going to produce my movies and then one day when I'm finally living as a man, completely and fully in truth, and I have a partner and our children are running around our beautiful house and I'm successful and happy, I'm going to look back and remember with a sort of fond indulgence the night that my biological family tried to exorcise me.

And then I'm going to laugh.


{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

V. Vee

You'd Just Be a Drag Queen

Okay so I teased in a post about me asking my doctor about me getting a sex change. Ever since it seems as if that's all that some friends of mine can talk about. They ask me if I was serious (*shrug* maybe. I honestly love my strap-on, but I also love the taste of a man's cock in my mouth or licking his ass and m__ost importantly being fucked by a man with muscles and everything), what would I do with myself if I did get it done (find some really hot gay guy and fall in love and duck his brains out, so he'd have to be open to being a bottom, a lot of the time-LOL) and then from out of nowhere my friend Angel, the newly married major queen that I have known since freshman year of high school tells me today during Skype "It doesn't matter if you got the surgery or not, you'd just be a drag queen anyway." I wanted to laugh but there are sometimes when I feel like, even as a woman, that I'm dressed in drag, just impersonating a woman. So I included a picture of what I looked like when I talked to Angel, this look inspired that one-sided decision about me going to the doctor to become a man.

I honestly don't know if I can say that I feel like I should have been born a man instead of a girl. I want to have a baby so badly that I ache with it sometimes, I want to be pregnant so much that I have told every gay male couple that I am close to that I know wants to have children that I will be surrogate or egg donor and surrogate, whichever they want. I also love my breasts and love putting on makeup and wearing heels and dresses. So at those times all I want to be is a woman. So it's a I guess I am just weird thing. The woman who wants to be a gay man who dresses up like a woman.

Tell that to someone who knows me and they'll say "That foolishness only belongs to Vee-Vee." LOL.

So until my own brain makes sense I just smile and laugh and ignore their pressure to go and get the surgery done until they'll all drift away. I don't know what I'll do if I will end up doing anything. So frustrating.

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