Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Exorcism Last Night

I am in tears as I write this but man do I need to write it.

So yesterday was my little sister's birthday.  I was really surprised when I got an invitation to come to my parent's place for cake and ice cream but not so surprised that I was hesitant to go.  They have been telling people that I'm staying with "a friend" until all of the issues with my other friend that was raped has been dealt with.

Utter bullshit of course, but sometimes I let people live in their delusions.

So when I got the invitation (sent to my email-I wasn't even called), I called Jack at work and told him that I was heading over there for the party.

Jack: You sure they're not going to try and kidnap you and sent you to one of those camps to make you straight?
Me: (laughing) No, then they'd be making it known to others that there was something wrong with a member of their family, if anything they'll try to exorcise me.
Jack: Exercise you?  What like put you on the treadmill or something?
Me: (rolling eyes) Ex OR cise Jackson!!  Like calling for an exorcist and shit.  Try to cast the demon out of me.
Jack: The demon of homosexuality?
Me: Homosexuality, transgenderism...you know, the things that make me an abomination to God.
Jack: (pause) Transgenderism?  I'm pretty sure that's not a word.
Me: It totally is.
Jack: (chuckles) Baby, you're a writer you can't be making up words.
Me: Sweetcheeks, I'm a writer so I CAN make up words!

We laughed and talked a bit more and he told me to call him if I needed him.  But it was cake and ice cream so I didn't think that I'd need him.  I mean, it's a party right?

I was wrong.

When I showed up there were a lot of cars, I walked in and everyone sort of smiled at me and said hi.  Not too strange, but I suddenly had the feeling that I was walking into the middle of like a cult or something or you know like an ambush.  Which is exactly what it was.  I was sitting on the couch telling everyone that I was okay and that my friend was doing better and yes, as a matter of fact I am dating the policeman that I was seen with on Saturday (and what are they doing, stalking me now?) when my grandmother reached out and traced the sign of the cross on my forehead with oil.

Vegetable oil.  I didn't know if they were about to exorcise me or cook me.

I had a hand pressed against my forehead and then hands holding down my arms and legs (they were expecting me to thrash around with the demon inside of me) as everyone in the room prayed.

I seriously thought about pretending like I had a demon but then I realized that I'd be confirming what they already think, that I'm an abomination because of who I am and who I choose to love.  Not cool.  So I just lay there and did nothing.  I actually dozed off at one point.

Apparently my dozing was a sign that the spirit had left my body because I was finally at peace with my spirit.

*cough* Bullshit! *cough*

Anyway, when it was over they sat me up and asked me how I felt.  I told them that I was tired, because by that point I was.  Tired of their ignorance, tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.  Tired of feeling like I'm inferior to them for a lot of different reasons.  Whether because I'm not as skinny as the rest of them or because my skin is darker or because I'm not pretty like they think I should be, my being a transgender/bigender homosexual was just the icing on the proverbial "Vee is a fuck up" cake that is my life.  It wasn't enough that they ignored the times I was assaulted or violated or abused and then later on told me that I asked for it or that that was something for me "and God" to deal with and work out, I mean it took me some time to forgive them for that bullshit, but this time?  This time they went too far and this time I was so tired that I didn't talk except to tell them that I was tired.

So they let me get up and I just told them I was leaving and I walked out the door and drove to the store down the road.  I pulled in the parking lot and called Jack.  He and his work partner showed up and Jack drove me back to his place.  I didn't talk, I mean what could I say?  But when we pulled up in front of his house he looked at me and said, "I am going to hate like hell having to say goodbye to you, but I see now that you have to do it.  No one should have to endure that.  I didn't know it was that bad."

I did.

But honestly, I'm glad that this is happening now.  I told Thorny yesterday that even though I hate that I denied my true self for so long, I'm glad that I didn't "come out" when I was a teenager because it could have been so much worse for me.  I would have been kicked out and disowned, homeless....and you know I was homeless for three months before and it was horrible and I never want to be that way again, but having to be homeless as a teenager?  That would have been even worse.

So I am now a 27 year old (almost 28-November 16th is my b-day) disowned "orphan" I guess, no parents, no siblings, no family...  And even though it sucks to know that I pretty much don't have a family or even really a home, although I know I can stay with Jack as long as I need to (he's offered), I feel so...free.  There was this weight on me that I didn't even realize was there but now it's been lifted and I feel so much better.  So free.

So me.

So they exorcised me in an attempt to get rid of the "demon of homosexuality" but what they did was exorcised themselves from my life and they took their insulting, demeaning, heartbreaking, ignorant influences with them.

And now I'm looking ahead. Looking for a cheap studio apartment or roommates in Boston (which is where I've wanted to live since I was 6), looking for a steady source of income, writing my books and getting them published, looking forward to going to New Orleans for the GRL retreat and as Thorny told me to do: "going after LOGO", because they're going to hire me one day and they're going to produce my movies and then one day when I'm finally living as a man, completely and fully in truth, and I have a partner and our children are running around our beautiful house and I'm successful and happy, I'm going to look back and remember with a sort of fond indulgence the night that my biological family tried to exorcise me.

And then I'm going to laugh.


{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

V. Vee

17 comments:

  1. I can't respond to this because you know I don't believe in violence. However, I certainly hope they have some kind of ritual to purify their filthy little hearts and minds. Certainly they appear to have one that wipes out their memories of failing to protect you. Useless wankers.

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  2. {hugs}
    I really don't know what to say....

    {hugs and sqeezes}

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  3. January 1, 2012, take out an ad in the local paper letting everyone know who you are and what your family's done to you. Then make the movie of your life on LOGO and dedicate it to them. Then name each of them when you win an Oscar for your script.

    I might have a slightly vindictive personality sometimes :) but they don't deserve to know you while also having their noses rubbed in the shit they've done to you.

    You'll be fine, though. Toughest guy I know.

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  4. ~Hugs V.Vee tight and whispers~ Your my Big Sis and Thorny is your little brother and Matt is your lil brother...I'm not speaking for all of us but I will speak for me...I'll do everything I can to support you love you and care for the man you want to become...I sat here at my laptop thinking about what to really say but honestly the only thing that came to mind was "We're her family, We love Vee/Vic. I love my Big Sis. She needs to know I'm here for her." But I know you already know ALL of that So I'm sending you a hell of a lot of hugs kisses and a whole lot more of the tighter squeezes. You deserve happiness
    ~Hugs and Squeezes and Lil Sis Kisses~

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  5. ~Nudges Thorny~ I like that T...vindictive or not her blood family does not deserve our V.Vee one bit.

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  6. It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. (e.e. Cummings)

    And you VV are very courageous. Hugs to you. And remember: living well is the best revenge.

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  7. Holy fucking shit. So sorry that they'd rather see you conform than to be happy. You can't choose your bio fam but you can choose the family of your heart. You got them right here. I agree with Luci. Living well is the best revenge. So go and follow your dreams. You've got nothing and no one to hold you back now!

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  8. I agree with everything Thorny said. And, they don't deserve you. See you in New Orleans!

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  9. Wow, that's unbelievable even though it happened. Why can't they love you the way you are? Why should you conform to what they think you should be? Unbelievable.
    Forget them because all they will do is pull you down. You deserve better Vee.
    We accept you.
    Suzi.

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  10. Thank you all SO MUCH for your comments! They were great to come "home" to after my physical therapy session today. I appreciate your continued support, encouragement, and yes even your anger (Kate) and vindictiveness (Thorny) on my behalf. Thank you for the hugs (Katharina, Lucy/Kat) and the advice (Luci, CJ) and even the shock and support (Suzi and Mary). I love knowing that I have a family even if I never meet and hang out with any of you in real life.

    I am still kind of shaky and in shock I guess, from what happened last night and still crying a little when I think of it, but I know that "living well" is the best revenge.

    Thank you all again and Thorny, thanks for saying "toughest GUY I know," that's the best show of support ever.

    {HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

    Vic

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  11. You know something V.Vee your going to be alright...Enjoy New Orleans and send me some pictures or hehe post them on your blog we (Ones who won't be there this year) Want ALL the juicy details hmm or just some of them anyways...I'll talk to you in a few minutes Big Bro and your the toughest person I know by far

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  12. Tangled0 from goodreadsOctober 4, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    Hey Vic,

    Jumping in from lurkdom. I am so angry for you. I love reading your blog. You are a beautiful, intelligent, creative, loving, passionate individual and it makes me so sad/mad/angry that your family did this to you. Know that you make my day with all your enthusiasm for life, your love of writing and your passion. You have one of the most clear, interesting and hilarious writing styles I've read. I know you'll be a famous, top-selling author soon. Keep writing, smiling and being Vee/Vic and don't let anyone get you down. Anyone who doesn't accept you is seriously missing out on the great person that you are.

    -Tangled0 from goodreads

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  13. Tangled: Your comment made me cry. I don't know if it's because I've just been crying off and on all day or what but it truly touched me. Thank you for your support and encouragement and your belief that I'm going to be a "famous, top-selling author soon", I don't think that anyone's ever said that to me before. Thank you for being mad and upset and sad on my behalf. I really, really appreciate it.

    Thanks for coming out of "lurkdom." LOL.

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  14. Tangled0 from goodreadsOctober 4, 2011 at 7:30 PM

    aww, I am honored that my comment touched you :) I hope you feel better soon!!! ::hugs::

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  15. Thank you Tangled0. I hope I do also...as a matter of fact, I know I will. I'm speaking positively.

    {HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

    Vic

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  16. Tangled0 from goodreadsOctober 4, 2011 at 7:49 PM

    Here is something to cheer you up-

    http://photos.bravenet.com/134/714/850/0/DCA0A4FB97.jpg

    :)

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  17. That. Was. An. AWESOME. Picture! I smiled and then I laughed out loud. Jack ran in the room to check on me. Thanks Tangled0. That was great! Mission accomplished.

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