My Exorcism Last Night

I am in tears as I write this but man do I need to write it.

So yesterday was my little sister's birthday.  I was really surprised when I got an invitation to come to my parent's place for cake and ice cream but not so surprised that I was hesitant to go.  They have been telling people that I'm staying with "a friend" until all of the issues with my other friend that was raped has been dealt with.

Utter bullshit of course, but sometimes I let people live in their delusions.

So when I got the invitation (sent to my email-I wasn't even called), I called Jack at work and told him that I was heading over there for the party.

Jack: You sure they're not going to try and kidnap you and sent you to one of those camps to make you straight?
Me: (laughing) No, then they'd be making it known to others that there was something wrong with a member of their family, if anything they'll try to exorcise me.
Jack: Exercise you?  What like put you on the treadmill or something?
Me: (rolling eyes) Ex OR cise Jackson!!  Like calling for an exorcist and shit.  Try to cast the demon out of me.
Jack: The demon of homosexuality?
Me: Homosexuality, transgenderism...you know, the things that make me an abomination to God.
Jack: (pause) Transgenderism?  I'm pretty sure that's not a word.
Me: It totally is.
Jack: (chuckles) Baby, you're a writer you can't be making up words.
Me: Sweetcheeks, I'm a writer so I CAN make up words!

We laughed and talked a bit more and he told me to call him if I needed him.  But it was cake and ice cream so I didn't think that I'd need him.  I mean, it's a party right?

I was wrong.

When I showed up there were a lot of cars, I walked in and everyone sort of smiled at me and said hi.  Not too strange, but I suddenly had the feeling that I was walking into the middle of like a cult or something or you know like an ambush.  Which is exactly what it was.  I was sitting on the couch telling everyone that I was okay and that my friend was doing better and yes, as a matter of fact I am dating the policeman that I was seen with on Saturday (and what are they doing, stalking me now?) when my grandmother reached out and traced the sign of the cross on my forehead with oil.

Vegetable oil.  I didn't know if they were about to exorcise me or cook me.

I had a hand pressed against my forehead and then hands holding down my arms and legs (they were expecting me to thrash around with the demon inside of me) as everyone in the room prayed.

I seriously thought about pretending like I had a demon but then I realized that I'd be confirming what they already think, that I'm an abomination because of who I am and who I choose to love.  Not cool.  So I just lay there and did nothing.  I actually dozed off at one point.

Apparently my dozing was a sign that the spirit had left my body because I was finally at peace with my spirit.

*cough* Bullshit! *cough*

Anyway, when it was over they sat me up and asked me how I felt.  I told them that I was tired, because by that point I was.  Tired of their ignorance, tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.  Tired of feeling like I'm inferior to them for a lot of different reasons.  Whether because I'm not as skinny as the rest of them or because my skin is darker or because I'm not pretty like they think I should be, my being a transgender/bigender homosexual was just the icing on the proverbial "Vee is a fuck up" cake that is my life.  It wasn't enough that they ignored the times I was assaulted or violated or abused and then later on told me that I asked for it or that that was something for me "and God" to deal with and work out, I mean it took me some time to forgive them for that bullshit, but this time?  This time they went too far and this time I was so tired that I didn't talk except to tell them that I was tired.

So they let me get up and I just told them I was leaving and I walked out the door and drove to the store down the road.  I pulled in the parking lot and called Jack.  He and his work partner showed up and Jack drove me back to his place.  I didn't talk, I mean what could I say?  But when we pulled up in front of his house he looked at me and said, "I am going to hate like hell having to say goodbye to you, but I see now that you have to do it.  No one should have to endure that.  I didn't know it was that bad."

I did.

But honestly, I'm glad that this is happening now.  I told Thorny yesterday that even though I hate that I denied my true self for so long, I'm glad that I didn't "come out" when I was a teenager because it could have been so much worse for me.  I would have been kicked out and disowned, homeless....and you know I was homeless for three months before and it was horrible and I never want to be that way again, but having to be homeless as a teenager?  That would have been even worse.

So I am now a 27 year old (almost 28-November 16th is my b-day) disowned "orphan" I guess, no parents, no siblings, no family...  And even though it sucks to know that I pretty much don't have a family or even really a home, although I know I can stay with Jack as long as I need to (he's offered), I feel so...free.  There was this weight on me that I didn't even realize was there but now it's been lifted and I feel so much better.  So free.

So me.

So they exorcised me in an attempt to get rid of the "demon of homosexuality" but what they did was exorcised themselves from my life and they took their insulting, demeaning, heartbreaking, ignorant influences with them.

And now I'm looking ahead. Looking for a cheap studio apartment or roommates in Boston (which is where I've wanted to live since I was 6), looking for a steady source of income, writing my books and getting them published, looking forward to going to New Orleans for the GRL retreat and as Thorny told me to do: "going after LOGO", because they're going to hire me one day and they're going to produce my movies and then one day when I'm finally living as a man, completely and fully in truth, and I have a partner and our children are running around our beautiful house and I'm successful and happy, I'm going to look back and remember with a sort of fond indulgence the night that my biological family tried to exorcise me.

And then I'm going to laugh.


{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

V. Vee

I'm Going to be on Effing LOGO TV!!!!

Or at least my tweet is.  This is what I just got sent:

LogoTV Logo TV Channel Congrats to @VVeeB! We're airing one of your tweets to us tomorrow on Logo! #TweetStars


I screamed so hard I woke up Jack.

I am ONE FUCKING STEP CLOSER to working for them!!  Woohoo!!!! BOUNCE WITH ME!!!

*Bouncing excitedly*

So watch Logo tomorrow because you're going to see one of my tweets to Logo and I don't even know which one it is!!!!  {screaming happily and bouncing with Jack}

Some Title.... (Vic Speaks)

I am a writer.  I write.  I create situations and characters and scenarios that are woven together to make a beautiful story, but I can't even BEGIN to think of what to name this post.

Today I had to take my sister to school.  This is my baby sister, the one who just started college, not the one who graduated from college.  So I dropped her off, waited to make sure that she got to her classroom safely and then I went to leave.  I was in full on Vic mode today.  Jeans, T-shirt, I had on my strap-on, my Boston Red Sox baseball cap and my shades.  I was looking pretty damn sexy.  So I went to take off when these two really tall, really sexy guys stepped out in front of the car.  I slammed on brakes and just sort of looked at them in shock.  Didn't they see me driving?  So I put the car in park and got out of the car (I regretted how fast I got out as soon as my feet touched the ground, I'd left my cane on the backseat).

"What the hell?  Didn't you guys see me driving?  I don't discriminate on who I will hit, this isn't a crosswalk, a sidewalk or a pedestrian crossing, it's the parking lot which means if you're walking you have to watch out for cars, jackasses!"  Not my finest moment, but I was shaking a little from fear, having a flashback from 7 years ago when I saw the old man get hit by a car and then run over by a car behind us while Christopher and I were driving.

"Sorry," the shorter of the two guys says.  He looks like a football player, with his thick neck, brown hair, square chin, hugely muscled frame and his big hands.  I know that my strap-on is plastic, but I promise you, I got an erection...like hardcore.  More than that my "gaydar" was going off something fierce.

"It's alright," my voice instantly changed from angry motorist to "smooth Vic."  My voice is naturally husky because I'm a singer in addition to everything else and when I slide into my "Vic" voice, I'm usually looking to score and since it's been over a year since I've been laid, I'm jonesing for some loving....real bad.

The two guys walk towards me and I'm totally checking out the hot football player.  In my head we touch hands, feel the spark, I ask him out on a date, he says yes, we go out to dinner, go back to his place, make out, I fuck him, he fucks me, we fall in love, he's with me when I have my gender reassignment surgery, we move in together, move to New York, I get a job on LOGO Tv (that's a secret dream of mine), we find a surrogate, have us 4-6 kids, write this blog together, and live happily ever after.  So we all are introducing ourselves to each other.  His name is Jackson, goes by Jack, and he introduces his brother, William, who I will from now on refer to as "Dick" and not in a good way, in a 2 inches, slim, can hardly find it, totally disappointing, makes you mad when you see it, kind of way.

So very effortlessly we start talking and I notice that Jack keeps looking at my crotch.  I've gotten this reaction before whenever I wear my strap-on because it's one of those BIG black ones, you know the MONSTER cocks?  LOL.  Because the Italian man inside of me, Vic, has a big ass dick, thick and long.  *Grins*  So after he looks for like the third time, I clear my throat and he looks at me with this really cute blush on his cheeks.

I'm a little worried that you know Jack is younger than me, because I'm almost in my 30s, but he's 34 and he does what I do, he brings his 18 year old brother to and from school.  So I sort of step closer to Jack, just a little, and let my hand brush against his hand and yes, the mental erection I had, just got bigger, because I heard his breath catch.  Apparently so did Dick.

"You know my brother's gay right?" he asks me with this really ugly snarl on his face.  I laugh and said yes.  I notice that Jack is blushing again and he's really so cute.  Even though he's got like two or three inches on me, I want to sit him on my lap...after fucking him into the wall of course (Over a year people....I'm a walking hard-on).

"So why are you hitting on him?" Dick asks me.  I shrug and say, "Because he's hot and I think we'd have a really hot...I mean a really hard...I mean a really fun time together."  I notice that Jack is smiling wider and wider with each "mistake" that I made.

"But he's gay and you're a chick.  He doesn't date chicks," Dick says, looking at me like I'm stupid.

"I believe that Vic is transgendered William," Jack says, looking really embarrassed.  I just grinned, "Well, I'm bi-gendered.  I'm both female and male, not a female born in a male's body or vice versa," I explained, still smiling because oh man I can almost TASTE Jack's sweat.  My thoughts had drifted from the romantic to the erotic.  I was imagining what would happen if he just dropped to his knees in front of me and started to....

"Oh my gosh!  You're some kinda black freak huh?" Dick yelled.

SCREECH!!  Hold up!  Stop the presses.  What the FUCK did this bastard just say about me?

"William!"  That was Jack.

"Listen here asshole."  Yep, that was me, Vic.  "I am not a freak, first of all.  I was born this way, it's acceptable, I am okay with it and if you're not then fuck off.  Secondly, I'm not black you dumb fuck.  My skin may be brown, but I've probably got more WHITE in me than you do, it's just that my family learned to look past race and all that other bullshit to make a beautiful family tree."  By this point my hands are shaking and there are a few people standing around looking at us.  I hadn't realized that I was yelling, but apparently I was.

"I am so sorry.  He's not a homophobe or anything.  I mean he's really accepting of me," Jack is apologizing.  JACK is apologizing for WILLIAM.  How fucked up is that?  All the while William is glaring at me with his arms folded.

"You don't get to apologize for him Jack.  That's not your job.  He should apologize for himself," I say, still shaking in anger and trying to keep "Vee" from making an appearance.  I WANTED to be pissed off.  I didn't want to be compassionate and understanding right then.  I wanted to beat the shit out of this bastard.  I know that I have a temper problem, it's something I'm talking about with my VA assigned therapist, but hell, I don't get mad easily or often, but when I do, it can be a problem.

"I'm not going to apologize to some ugly black bitch that can't decide if she's a man or a woman.  She's probably crazy anyway."  Yep, you guessed it, that was Dick.

By this point some other black students have started to walk forward angry and I know that I have defuse this situation before it gets out of control.  Polk County doesn't get a lot of racially motivated fights or hate crimes, but that racism thing is always just underneath the surface.  So I glared at Dick, gave up on the fantasy of me and Jack together, in love and happy, and said, "So, what I'm hearing you say is that you're upset because I chose your brother over you and you were hoping that I was a girl that was open-minded so you could fuck me and be open to you introducing your best friend to me so that the three of us could have sex together and he could fuck you and you won't technically be gay or even bisexual, you only did it for the girl you were with?  Right?  Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd be fucking the both of you and when I was done, you'd be gayer than your brother.  Asshole."

I turned and limped my way back into the car, which was thankfully still there, and pulled off.  This time no one stepped out in front of the car.

I was five minutes down the road when I had to pull over because I was shaking and crying too hard.

My looks and the color of my skin have always been a source of contention for me.  In my family I was always the "dark one."  That wasn't said in a nice way either, but in a "we'll forgive you for it" way.  And in the past 27 years, I've had only one person in my life who ever consistently told me I was beautiful, my cousin Val and she died 9 years ago.  Everyone else has maybe told me a total of five times and only when I was skinny, had my hair and nails done, was wearing makeup and dressed up.

I grew up feeling ugly, feeling as if I were too dark, as if I didn't belong in my skin, in my body, in my family and just as I start to embrace and live my truth, here comes this asshole and makes a huge dent in my armor.

I then got pissed off because I was JUST starting to embrace and live my truth and here comes this ASSHOLE and with a few well-placed words he TRIES to make a huge dent in my armor.

I don't think that Dick knew that I keep every email, every message, every comment that is encouraging and uplifting and supportive and once a week, sometimes once a day I copy and paste them into a word document and when I have bad days like today I read them so that I don't let them bother me too much.

So I came home and read the comments, the statements, the encouragement that you all left me.  The emails from Thorny, Sid and Kate.  The comments from Lucy/Kat and Sylvia and LC and Xara and Archie and Brad and Becky and Katharina.  The messages on GR from Matt and Luci and Laura.  And then I pulled out the letters from Christopher and the last letter from my cousin Val.

By the time I was finished I felt so much better, then I felt disappointed because DAMN Jack was fine.  But you know what?  There will be others, but more than that I found out how strong I am.  A few years ago, a statement like that would have sent me spiraling into depression, but today it just lit a fire under me to continue to live MY truth, regardless of who likes it.

{FIST BUMP AND SNUGGLES}
{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES}
Vic

The "T" in LGBT

So today I was thinking and talking to my newest friend Sidney and we started talking about how transgenders are pretty much invisible in the LGBT community.  They aren't really seen in books, rarely seen in movies.  They, or rather, we (I have to start owning who I am), are like the dirty little secret of the community.

Why?

I honestly have no theories on this matter.  No ideas for why this would be.  We are apparently not liked or loved by a lot of people within the community.  Maybe we're not fully understood?  Either way, I feel much as I did as a teenager when I couldn't find any interracial romance books with a black female and a white man as the main characters.  Like I don't exist.  Like who I am is so taboo, so unattractive that few will speak of it.

And yes, I know that now there are a lot of interracial M/F books out there with the main female character being black and the main male character being white, but you know what?  I've moved past that (Yeah, I did, so deal with it).  I have figured out who I am with the help of friends and doctors and soul searching and reading the book "Static" by L.A. Witt that had me shaking and sweating as I had a panic attack and "Hawk's Landing" that had me crying because I could see myself in BOTH books.  Now that I know who I am, now that I've embraced it, I want to see myself represented.

And I sort of feel bad because there are others out there who have been dealing with this for years and I'm the rookie, the newborn and I have come in whining and complaining wanting to know where are all of the transgender books and movies?  Where are we in the reality shows and the television shows?  Why aren't we on "The A-List: New York" on LogoTV?  (Yes, that is my current tv obsession)  Why is it when I go to publisher sites and author's websites and blogs that I only see four or maybe five books with a transgendered MC?

Where are we?  The idea of realizing that I'm once again invisible to a community is heartbreaking.  Because I'm not just a bigendered/transgendered female to male, I am also a black one and damn if that doesn't just screw me over even more.  When I was a teenager and I told my mother that there weren't any books with a black female and a white male who fall in love and were the main characters, she told me to write it.  While I know I can't talk to her about this dilemma, I still hear that same advice in my head: "If no one else is doing it, then you do it.  If you want to see more of those types of books, you're an amazing writer, you write it."

I don't just write stories and books though.  I write plays, tv shows, movies.  So I guess I'll have to start writing and filling in the gaps.