Thursday, October 27, 2011

Something You'd Never Know Part Two

So yesterday I spent a while on a thread on GR speaking about coming to terms with being transgender.  Now I know that the people questioning me were not attacking me, but I didn't realize this at first, it took me venting and shaking and crying to a friend of mine before I realized that these people were probably just trying to understand me.

See unless you email me you'd never know how I agonized over coming out.  You'd never know the conversations I had with Sidney and Thorny and K Ray and Luci and Kate.  You wouldn't have read the emails where I tried to rationalize how I felt, tried to explain it away, tried to ignore it, laugh it off, the way I had a panic attack when I realized the truth about who I really am.

It's not something I shared here on my blog.

And maybe that was wrong.  I mean I have always prided myself on being open with you all, but I don't share everything, some things are just for me.  Just as you're entitled to your privacy, I am entitled to mine.  So I didn't share that.

I didn't share that I tried to commit suicide about two months ago.  That I picked up a knife and tried to slice my wrists because I was so freaked out about everything, that it took my friend Keesha and an email from Thorny to save my life.

It's not something I wanted to share.

I also didn't share that when I was growing up I never wanted to wear skirts or dresses.  I hated the stupid purses my mother used to always buy me and that every Easter when my mother and aunt would go out and buy our Easter clothes I always pitched a fit because I wanted to wear a suit and not a "stupid dress with lace and flowers."  I didn't mention that when I was 10 and I had that tantrum that my mother pulled out this thin leather belt and whipped me in the dressing room and then told me that if I cried too loudly she was going to get my father to deal with me when we got home.  That was the last time I tried to fight about wearing a suit.

It's not something I wanted to share.

I didn't tell you all about the day that I realized that I didn't actually love my tits and being a woman, but I loved my family and I knew that if I didn't have those things, if I didn't live as a woman, wearing heels, wearing makeup, wearing flattering outfits that I wouldn't have my family anymore.  And it may be wrong, but I loved my family enough to be the woman who merely wanted a dick and prostate that could be hidden from plain sight in order to keep my family.

It's not something I thought I had to share.

Many of you read the post when I talked about my mother finding the pamphlets and brochures about reassignment surgery.  Many of you read the post where I talked about the exorcism I endured.  You all saw the way I stopped talking about my desire to be both and my need to be what I'd been fighting my whole life, being a man.

It's not something I thought I had to share.

There are times when I still think of myself as "bi-gender" or what others are calling gender queer, is it because that's a more accurate description of who I am?  No.  It's because at this point I'm still filled with glass sticking out from skin, still so emotionally fragile and hurt and sensitive that I am still fighting my need to dress up in women's clothes (what to me would be considered "drag") and go to my parents's house and beg them to let me come back, to turn my back on everything and just continue living as I have been.  Hiding my books, ignoring my need, my desires, my dreams, my wants, my truth, in order to have my family, in order to not be homeless in order to know who I am, even if who I am is a lie.  This whole feeling like a man but seeing a woman is horrific for me.  I avoid the mirrors.  I don't brush my hair or my teeth in front of the mirror, because I don't like seeing a woman looking back at me.  That's not something I've ever told you.

It's not something I wanted to share.

But reading the comments and the questions on this thread I had to ask myself if I was remiss in not doing so. Can I let you in 75% and then hide 25% from you?  But is it fair to offer up all of me to people who are offering me nothing?  Not necessarily you all, but people on the thread.

My life is, for the most part, an open book.  I don't mind answering questions for those who are trying to get a general understanding of my life and the process I am undertaking, the transition I am going through.  I want people to understand, but at the same time I want them to understand that on here, in this blog on GR, on twitter and tumblr, I'm not going to give you 100% of me.  It's not fair to ask that of me and especially if you're not going to give me the same thing in return.  Realize that of the millions of thoughts that run through my head, the emotions I've dealt with, the memories I have, the interactions I've experienced, the childhood I grew up with, I may only share with you 2 of them and that's fine.  Don't ask me for something that you're not going to give and don't instantly go on the defensive if I feel as if you're attacking me because of you asking me something that most people already know.

There are different facets to me.  There are parts of me that I'm realizing are just reflections of my parents, my family.  There are echoes in my brain and my heart that aren't my voice, but their voices of condemnation and judgement.  There are things that I will share and things that you will never, ever know.  If there's ever a time when you want to ask me a question, however: "Vic you said this five months ago and now you're saying this, what gives?"  Realize that I'll answer, but also understand that I'm like Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride" after she met Richard Gere, except Richard Gere was my true self and in order to be "with" my true self I have to figure out how I really think about some things, what I really like and what I really don't, who I really am and how I really feel about that.  I'm growing and learning and living my truth and even though I've pretty much invited you all to go on this journey with me by having this blog, there are still some things that you will never know.

You can accept it or hit the unfollow button, it's that simple.  Not saying that I won't miss seeing your comments, but at this stage in my life I've had about all I can handle of people only supporting me if I fit into their idea of how I should live, of people who say: this is who you are and you can never change, or people who say: everyone who says they are like you have felt like this, you don't so you're not one of them.  Realize that b/c I didn't share it doesn't mean that I didn't feel it or think it.  It's just something that I didn't share with you.

And that's perfectly fine.



  1. Vic, you have no obligation to tell us anything. We don't have to know anything and we don't even have the right to ask. Nobody has the right to judge you or condemn you.
    It doesn't matter how much you share, I don't need all that to know that you are a strong and wonderful person.
    I will always support you, I will always listen, I like you because you are you, I hope you know that.
    *hugs my friend*

  2. Vic, you really only need to share what you want to share - nobody has a right to know anything that you don't want them to know.

    You are clearly a lovely person and I am sorry that people's comments might have pushed you to share more than you wanted or are comfortable with. Obviously it's interesting and thought provoking to read about your experiences, but ONLY if you are happy sharing.

    Please ignore any sniping - some people are just narrow-minded and thoughtless.

  3. Thank you both Katharina and DiannaKay I do appreciate it. I have no problem sharing things but when people want to pick apart every part of it and know even the hidden things? That's when I feel all shaken up. But you're right that I only have to share what I'm comfortable with. Thanks again for commenting.


  4. Vic, I agree with Katharina, you do not have to share everything with all of us. I know that Randy spoke to you while in NO and told you how he feels. You deserve to get whatever you want out of life. You deserve to be able to go through your life without being judged, ever. If, you would like to talk to him and I'm not sure how much help he would be, other than as former military also. I know he does not understand everything, while I sometimes do, maybe too much.

  5. *hugs*

    I agree with the others, you chose how much you share and with who. There shouldn't be any obligations or expectations. Certainly anyone who has the priviledge of sharing any information about you or your life has absolutely no right to judge you.

    Personally speaking, I feel honoured to be able to read what you do share and hope that by reading and understanding more that I learn more, not just about you but about acceptance and tolerance.

    take care

  6. You don't have to share everything here. I'm glad that I get to see what you post to begin with. I email you when I can and tell you what I myself feel comfortable with. I'm sorry about that sometimes because I do share a lot with people who do care. through emails that's alright I'm just me and I try to stay me at all times.

  7. Lucy/Kat: Babez I am SOOO not talking about you. I appreciate the emails that you send me asking me how I'm doing or whatever.

    Mary: Yes, I did talk to Randy in NOLA and I did appreciate the chat. Tell him thank you for me again.

    Kate: Thank you for that and I'm glad that reading my blog helps you to learn and understand that. That's an added bonus for me.


  8. I know GR is a great place for meeting authors and other readers but it seems to be more trouble than it's worth!

    Even in real life no one gives 100% of themselves. I have no idea why people think/expect that they're entitled to all of anyone on the net. It's your blog, you put in as much or as little as you want. I'm just happy you're letting me share your journey!



  9. Vic, you have an absolute right to keep private what is private. I think sometimes people forget, as they're asking questions about life as a transgendered/bi-gendered/gender queer/whatever-label-you-choose, that there is an actual PERSON on the other end of the keyboard. You become The TransMan, symbol and stand-in for every transgendered person in the world.

    That's so not fair.

    It's too much. Too invasive, too much pressure.

    I understand why you have chosen to open yourself up as you have. But I think it might be time, for your own well being, to pull it back a bit. Some of the things you're laying out there would probably be safer, more productive to you, if they were discussed with a counselor of some sort, not on a blog or social networking site. Standing naked on a freeway is not a good place to be.

    Also, for those who are saying that you can't be x, that your feelings or experiences aren't good enough to get you in "the club", I have one thing to say. Fuck That Noise. I've been told, and known so many others in the chronic disease community who've been told, that what is happening to us isn't real. That we must me imagining things. It's not possible that we're experiencing abc because of xyz.

    We are not the ones with our heads up our asses.

    Human experience is unfathomably varied. No two situations are ever exactly alike. Your experience, your truth, is yours. No one is allowed to take that from you, or to tell you it's not real.

    Fuck them.

  10. CJ, I agree with you. My therapist suggested that I step away from there for a while, because he agreed with you Becky, that while he applauded my efforts to be open and share with others so that they are aware of things, so that they are educated and so I can have a support system he said that when you have situations like the one I'm going through and people who are having to readjust or rather accept a truth about themselves that they've been fighting their whole lives that being on sites where people are trying to fit you into cookie cutter molds can do more harm than good.

    And while his speech wasn't as eloquent as yours, he pretty much said "Fuck them" as well. However he worded it as "Stay away from people who make you feel as if you don't know who you really are. They are not worth the trouble." He also said that when you take my childhood, upbringing, experiences, thought processes, my actions, my past and compare them with someone who has a totally different one but then try to make us follow the same pattern, try to make our experiences the same that you're doing a disservice to all of us.

    He said that he has treated people who while they knew that something was WRONG, they didn't know that they were born in the wrong body until much later in life. He believes that perhaps my brain was waiting for the right moment to make me aware of this truth of mine and I agree.

    My doctor is awesome. I'm going to miss Dr. Trand when I move.

    So I've stepped away from GR for about a week. I'll answer emails but I'm staying away from the threads b/c I refuse to let anyone, especially those who are supposed to be allies and members and supporters of the LGBTQ community, to drag me down and make me feel bad about myself and take me back to that place where I was two months ago.

    Thank you all so much for supporting me and for understanding and encouraging me. I'll still share, but instead of 75%, I may only give you all 50%, but I know that you'll all be cool with that.

    And in case you don't know I've decided to do all of my "author" stuff on my other blog:

    This one is purely personal now.

    Thanks again!



  11. Take all the time that you need and also feel free to keep some of yourself private. I agree with everyone here, no one every shows all of themselves to the world. Heck we don't even show the same things all the time, one group of ppl may know me as being x and another may know me as being y. It's all me but it's just what I decide to show.

    The important part is that you take care of yourself and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they're not worth your time.


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