Life-Changing Book: Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan

Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When I read L.A. Witt's "Static" I had a panic attack because it made me come face-to-face with some truths about myself that I'd been hiding.  When I read this book I cried because Heidi described the heartbreak I experienced at my own coming out, the grief, the despair, the hopelessness that ate away at me with my family's reaction, the need to erect walls to keep oneself safe from any more emotional hurt, the fight and struggle for healing and the overwhelming power of hope, forgiveness and acceptance, not of others but the acceptance of yourself.

When I first started reading this book, I didn't know what to expect.  It had been recommended to me by Pati Maye, someone who after hearing about my family's reaction to my coming out told me that she'd adopt me.  So I read this expecting to read a story of how a family accepted someone's decision to live their truth.  I didn't even read the blurb, I just started reading.  When I read Roe's family's reaction to finding out he was gay I felt as if Heidi had hidden cameras in my home (which wouldn't make sense as this book was written and published before I came out).  I could feel the lost feeling that ate away at Roe's insides and when Roe began working at Nowhere Ranch and he met up with Travis Loving, the ranch owner, in a gay bar, I don't think I've ever rooted so hard for a couple before.

Heidi's words and the flow of her sentences made this book gritty and raw with emotion, I ached with the need for Roe to realize he wasn't evil for loving someone, I desperately needed for Travis to catch Roe if he ever ran if he ever fell, because Heidi's way with words had me feeling as if Roe's struggle was my own.

The sex was hot, rough, passionate, sweaty, and I cringed and clenched through most of it, feeling as if Travis was standing over me giving me orders or telling me what he was about to do to me.  It was wonderful how Travis always knew what Roe needed, even when Roe didn't, and he always gave it to him, whether he was being rough or gentle, paddling him or yes, fisting him (gasp!).  It was all so hardcore, so raunchy and so gripping that I purposefully read the scenes to my boyfriend just to see his reactions.

Haley's determination for Roe to have happiness, the way she fought for him, fought for his well-being, fought for his acceptance, fought for his right to love who he wanted, to have the family and the life he wanted, made me smile and root for her, making her one of the FIRST female friends in a M/M romance book that I actually WANTED to read about.  At one point, I even clapped for her after she gave a long speech.

The best thing about this book was the ending.  It was the greatest, sweetest ending ever.  I nodded, wiped away the tears that had escaped from my eyes pages before and felt "The Epilogue Whore" within me give a great big sigh of relief that Heidi had satisfied us both, the reader who longs for the story and the E.W. who longs for the "After" in Happily Ever After.

Rarely do I read a story that affects me so much that when it's over I've realized that I had such a visceral reaction to it, but when I read one that does, I know that it's one that I will read over and over and over again.  I would recommend this book to everyone.  To those who were able to come out with no adverse reaction from their family, so that they can appreciate that experience and express their love and gratefulness for that.  To those who came out and whose parents had a negative reaction, disowned them, kicked them out, beat them up, etc. so that they can see that our desire to love, our ability to love someone even when others say that it's wrong is not wrong, is not evil, is not a sin, that being who we are, living our own individual truths is the greatest example of purity, of righteousness, of holiness that there could ever be.  To those who have had someone that they know, someone that they love come out and they reacted positively or negatively so that they can see that love, no matter its form, its gender, its race or religion, is just love.

And to those who still dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to love, this is the perfect book for you.


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