There Once Was A Young Girl...A Young Boy...

There once was a young girl
Who knew she was a young boy
Named Vee.

She struggled to be a girl
And ignore the boy inside of her
Named Vic.

Vic screamed inside of her
Pushing, clawing, desperately hoping
Trying to break free.

But fear of rejection, fear of loss
Fear of being disowned and death
Made Vee a whole lot stronger than him.

So Vic waited patiently for Vee to weaken
He waited for the danger to pass, for acceptance
He waited for Vee to realize that she was wrong.

Vic was not the wrong one, he was the true one.
Vic had been there from the beginning.
Vic was the truth, he was the reality.

Vee was the mask, the persona that Vic wore
She was who he pretended to be for love
She was the persona that he wore for the world.

But Vic didn't want to pretend any longer
Vic wanted to show the world, his family, himself
That he was alive, that he was there and that he was truth.

Regardless of the fear, the danger, the hatred
Regardless of the death threats and the insults
Vic was determined to live.
Vic was determined to be.

Because there once was a young girl
Who was really a young boy
Had always been a young boy.

Named Vic.

My Guilty Pleasure: Justin Bieber

So since Jack's asleep (*snicker* He was TIRED *wink*) I thought I'd share with you all this video.  Justin Bieber is my dirty little secret.  I secretly buy him music, upload his cds to my laptop and name them all "JB Jazz" and then hide the cd covers.  LOL.  Yes, I'm "in the closet" about Justin Bieber.  But since I'm all about "Living Your Truth" I figured I'd confess it:

My name is Vic or Vee and I love Justin Bieber.  *sob*

Anyway, this video is one of my faves as is this song.  I like the original but I LOVE the duet w/Rascal Flatts, I'm a Southerner, OF COURSE I love country!  But I currently have this song "That Should Be Me" on repeat.  Just  because as I was making cherry pie for Jack and I today it came to my mind.  Jack doesn't like the Biebs though, so I waited until he'd gone to bed before playing it.  Okay, enough talking.  Here's the video:












P.S. I'm seriously considering the merchandise thing (t-shirts, mugs, hoodies, sweatshirts, bags, hats, etc) but I haven't made up my mind yet.
P.P.S. Kat, your story idea is sweet.  And thank you for wanting to honor me in such a way.  I appreciate it.  Jack was a little stunned by it, but I think he'll be okay with it in time.

Post Date Satisfaction (From Vic/Vee and Jack)-NSFW

*Sigh* (This is a SUPER long post, but it's the whole date and I even let Jack say hi!)

I am writing this post from Jack's bed...in Jack's house...with Jack in the kitchen making breakfast....okay, putting breakfast on a plate (he went to McDonald's) so that we can have breakfast in bed.

Yes, *shiver* breakfast in bed.  *Squeal*

Where shall I begin?

Let's see, our date was supposed to start at 8.  Jack called me and told me that he was coming at 7.

He showed up at 6:45.

Impatient little thing isn't he?  *Big grin*

So he had a reason for wanting to get me at 7.  He wanted to go to dinner out at Bahama Breeze in Tampa.  So we drove all the way out there.

Now, about what I wore:  I was in full-on Vic mode, so I had on a pair of black dress pants, a button down red shirt, black tie, black jacket, my hair was pulled back in a ponytail.  I had on my earrings and I had put on lip moisturizer.  I'd put on my pair of black boots and I was using my cane, which is black as well.  My favorite colors and I must admit...I looked good.

So anyway, Jack picks up my overnight bag, looks at me, raises his eyebrows and grins and says: "I hope you packed for the whole weekend."

*Silent scream of happiness*

So you know, I'm all smooth and confident and shit when I'm Vic and I sort of tilt my head to the side and say: "You're that confident that you're that good and I'm going to want more?"

Jack just grins and says: "You might even want to pack for the week.  I may never be able to get rid of you."

As my friend Kate would say: Cheeky little bugger.

So I just open the bag and toss in another shirt and a pair of shorts.  He sort of looks at me and raises his eyebrows.  I laughed, I knew what he wanted to ask, everyone does.  "I don't wear underwear."

His mouth sort of drops open and he nods.  I just laugh and turn him towards the door so we can go.  Now in the bag I had packed a pair of flip-flops, a pair of jeans, there were now two t-shirts instead of one, condoms (flavored and ribbed), lube (flavored and unflavored), massage oils, my laptop (because I knew I was going to want to blog this AND because I wanted to read to Jack-the man doesn't read....at all.  Nothing except the newspaper.  We must change that), my binder with the books that I'm writing inside, my cellphone, my wallet, my pain meds (I go NOWHERE without them), my sketchpad (I've been designing this new line inspired by Luci and Katharina), colored pencils, toothbrush, hairbrush, contact solution, contact carrying case, and deodorant.  Yeah, overnight for me is like...packing.


So we get in the car and guess what's playing?  YES!  LADY FREAKING GAGA!!  I like bounced in the seat, which made me think of my conversation with Thorny that I'd had earlier that day and I burst out laughing.  Jack closed the back door and climbs in and just sort of looks at me sitting in his front seat giggling my head off.  I mean I was bent forward, hands on the dash, tears streaming down my face, laughing and gasping for breath.  So Jack pulls off down the road and Lady Gaga's like playing loudly and I'm struggling to stop laughing and I do that "Wooo!!!" that you do at the end of a hard laugh and looked at him, still sort of snickering and he's like: "Wanna let me in on the joke?"

Me: You'll blush.
Jack: Why?  All you did was get in the car.
Me: It's something that happened earlier.
Jack: Okay.....
Me: So...I was a little nervous about tonight.
Jack: Yeah, me too
Me: Really?
Jack: Yeah.  I mean...you're a...I mean, technically.....
Me: (nods) Yeah, that's a bit of it.
Jack: Huh?
Me: So I sent my little brother Thorny, I told you about him, so I sent him an email, I was a little worried and concerned about tonight and he gave me some advice and at the beginning of his email he said he was "bouncing" so when I bounced it made me think of him and that's why I was laughing.
Jack: And the part about you being....
Me: You can say it you know.
Jack: Say what?
Me: Whatever you're trying to say.  That I'm "technically" a woman, that the dick in between my legs is actually a strap on and not something I was born with, that I have breasts, beautiful breasts, but still breasts and you're a gay man and it's weird, very, very weird that we're trying to date when physically we shouldn't really be compatible.
Jack: Yeah but there's something about you.  Like when I look at you, I don't see a woman.  I don't see Veronica.  I see Vic.  I hear Vic.  But every so often...
Me: You think about the boobs or the dick that's not really attached?
Jack: Yeah
Me: Yeah, I was going to pack a blindfold and Thorny told me not to.
Jack: Why not?
Me: (I turn to look at him-by this point, I'll be honest I'm trying to figure out if the date is over already-before it has even begun) Because he said that I didn't want to allow you to imagine I was another man.  That you should be aware of who it was that was fucking you to the best orgasm of your life.
Jack: He said that?
Me: (laughs) Well that "best orgasm" thing was all me, but it's still the truth.

The car got really quiet then, I was ready to call for a taxi or whatever but then I hear Jack saying my name.

Jack: Hey Vic?
Me: Yeah?
Jack: Let's give it a shot.
Me:  Yeah?
Jack: Yeah.  I can do it.

So, with that out of the way, something that I am pretty sure is going to repeatedly come up as long as we're "dating", we change the subject.  I bring up the fact that he doesn't read.

Me: How the hell do you not read?
Jack: (laughs) I just don't.
Me: But you bought both of my books!  You're really not going to read them?
Jack: (shrugs) Probably not.
Me: Ass.  You HAVE to read them!  How about this?  I'll read them to you.
Jack: Well.....
Me: It will be like an audiobook.
Jack: We can try that out, but no promises.  And you're reading your books?
Me: Not at first.  I want to ease you into the world of m/m romance.  So my friends Katharina and Luci told me about this book and I bought it today, so we can read it together.
Jack: What is it called?
Me: On Fire by Drew Zachary
Jack: On Fire?
Me: Yeah.  They said that you'll love it.

So we keep talking and talking.  We get to Bahama Breeze and we're eating and drinking margaritas (Bahama Breeze makes like THE BEST margaritas EVER and I've lived in San Diego, New York City, Chicago.  BB has THE BEST) and just getting to know each other.  So after dessert we get up to leave and I have to "adjust" myself and I tried to do it discreetly, I really did, and Jack's adjusting also, but for a TOTALLY different reason, let's just say that when I get tipsy I get EXTREMELY horny and I was already turned on because Jack was wearing this black shirt that was tight over his chest, this sort of silky material (what's it called-Not silk but like satin or something) and a pair of gray pants with a gray jacket, so I was very handsy during dinner.  So anyway, I'm trying to adjust myself discreetly and there's this table of...sorority girls is the only thing I can term them, because that's how they looked, and they look at me and then at Jack and then back at me and when we go to walk past them one of them says: "Oh my gosh!  He did a GREAT job, I wouldn't have even known he was a man if he hadn't grabbed his crotch like that!"

Jack and I waited until we got outside to start laughing.  Then he puts his arm around me and he's like "You do make a pretty drag queen."  So I got this idea and I'm like "Why don't you just think of me like that?"

Jack: Like what?
Me: That I'm just a man in drag.
Jack: What?
Me: You know, like if you're still feeling unsure or whatever....
Jack: (stops in front of the car turns to me and kisses me) Babe, it's okay.  You're Vic.  You're you.  (shrugs) I don't have to label it anymore.
Me: (sigh-yeah, girly moment) So we going back to your place or what?
Jack: Thought you wanted to go see a movie.
Me: I'd rather see you naked and make a movie instead.

You know how in books they say "he gulped audibly"?  Yeah, I had never actually heard someone swallow before.  I heard Jack swallow.  It made me smile. It gave me a HUGE mental erection and it just made want to get to his house so much more.

We got to his house and dropped my bad and then just started pulling clothes off.  And we took off all our clothes *shiver*  The man is even more gorgeous naked.......*happy sigh*.  So we're standing there looking at each other and he says "You know, I see your face and your tits and your dick...but it's not like you're a girl or whatever.  You're like a guy with tits rather than a girl with a dick."

I must admit that made me smile.  It also made me throw myself at him.  This did not need to be one of those whole "talk-through-sex" type things.

Now, I'm about to get graphic so.....

This is the type of strap-on that I wear when I'm just walking around:

It can quickly (and I'm talking like unclip and clip on) be switched out for this one:




So anyway, we're standing there naked and I have on the second one, not the first and it's easy to sort of pull it forward and then tuck it back (like I'm a drag queen) and that's what I'd done, but when I pulled of my clothes and stepped out, Lil' Big Vic (10") comes swinging forward.  Before I know it Jack's pulled me into his arms and we're making out hardcore.  Hands are everywhere and he just sort of sinks almost to his knees and takes LBV into his mouth.  Now LBV is silicone so no, it doesn't taste like a real cock, but Jack's down there moaning and humming like it is.  And I'm a "very toppy moho" to use Thorny's description.  So I'm like thrusting into his mouth and to me it feels AMAZING like it's really mine.  So he stands up and I'm trying to like climb up his body.  My legs are around his waist, he's holding me in his arms, his hands under my ass, I can feel his hard cock poking my ass and OH MY GOSH I forgot how good it felt to feel one of those!!  (Kate, I did the growly man thing.  LOL.) So neither of us wants to wait to walk to the bedroom so, he sits me down on the couch and I can't even talk I just kind flap my hand and point my finger at my bag.  He goes and grabs it and brings it to me, I'm jerking clothes and all types of shit out of the bag (I know I should have put everything on top).  I grab the condoms and the lube and I point at him and this is where Jack met Vic the Dom.

My voice always sort of deepens even more when I get in my Dom headspace and I'm like "Lay over the arm of the couch."  I think Jack must have a little bit of sub in him because he did it quickly and I'm looking at his ass and all I can think is, I want to taste that.  LOL.  So I did. (MMMmmmmm)  I had told Jack in a previous conversation about how I'm very oral.  Cock, ass, fingers, nipples, neck, back....hell, it doesn't matter to me so he cleaned himself VERY well.  Trust me I know.  Anyway, I'm going to town and I'm pouring the flavored lube on my fingers and in between his cheeks and I'm stretching him out and at the WORST possible time I start thinking about my freaking books!  (I have to remember if I do something wrong or something he doesn't like so I can change it if I have to in the book)  Then I hear: "What the hell Vic?!"  And I remember where the hell I am and what the hell I'm supposed to be doing!

Well if his moans, cries and grunts are anything to go by I did a VERY good job.  We both came (yeah I can come from fucking someone.  I dare someone to tell me that I'm not really a man inside-asses) and I'm laying all over his back and he's draped all over the arm of the couch and I burst out laughing (I'm a dork people) because I realize that I have the best of both worlds because I can fuck a man AND never go soft!  Jack opens one eye and looks at me over his shoulder and growls out "You better NOT be thinking about that Thorny guy with your cock still up my ass!"  Which of course made me laugh harder, but I'm shaking my head no and thinking "Man Thorny's going to freak if he knew we were talking about him so much."

So we "unlock" and I'm looking at his brown couch that now has these stains on it and I look at Jack.  I mean, I'm a little nervous now.  What's the next step?  So he asks if I want to shower and I'm thinking okay this is it, the novelty has worn off he's done so I just sort of nod.  He walks over, picks me up (because all of that fucking had my hip aching bad) and he's walking all funny (and I SWEAR I laughed in my head) and takes me to the bathroom.

We showered together.  Then he put me in his bed and kisses my forehead, "I'll be right back baby, I'm going to grab your stuff and clean off the couch.  You can watch tv if you want."  He walks out and I sort of lay back with this sigh.  I am content...somewhat.  So I turn on the tv and wait for him.  I don't know what I watched to tell you the truth, but he brings my stuff in and I ask for my laptop.  He gives it to me and I plug it in and he goes to the kitchen and brings back two bottles of water, a bottle of red wine (I don't remember what kind), two glasses, and he's holding a bag of pretzels in his mouth.  I just sort of stared at him.

Me: "Is that some sort of weird gay post-sex snack or something?"

He blinks at me and grins after shaking his head.  He climbs in bed with me and pulls me to him.

Jack: "Nah, just a grab whatever looks interesting post-sex snack."

I nod and then open On Fire.  "Ready?" I ask and he looks down.  He sees that it's a book and he bursts out laughing.

Jack: You're not going to give this up are you?
Me: If you want some more of this (I grab my strap-on: Yeah the shower was interesting, Jack washed LBV while it was still attacked and I pulled it away to wash the rest of me while he rinsed off the front of him.  He did wash the girls though.  He kept bouncing them for some reason.  *shakes head* Weirdo), you're going to have to read some naughty gay romance books.
Jack: (sighs) Fine
Me: Or I can read them to you
Jack: That sounds better.

So I started reading to him.  I don't know what it is about that book but for some reason the first time that Sam and Rob are getting it on (around page 13 or so) Jack's all over me, he's pushing the laptop away and he's kissing me and got his hands all on my tits then around to my ass.  He's squeezing them and spanking them a little and then he grabs the lube and looks down at me.  I just smiled and said "HELL YEAH!!"  Then I got to suck his cock (Again MMMmmmmmm) and then he fucked me (yes, my ass people, DUH!  LOL).

Anyway, I remember having to walk to the bathroom to do some "clean-up" thinking about how our earlier shower was a waste, thinking about how funny I had to look walking, and I'm laughing again and I hear Jack behind me: "What?"

Me: I don't think I write about this in my books
Jack: About what?
Me: The sort of full, pressure feeling afterwards
Jack: Who wants to read about that?
Me: But it's real life.
Jack: Yeah......

That was the end of the conversation.  We went back to bed and I did just like I do at home, slept in the nude with my strap on still on.  Jack slept spooned up behind me.  It was SO nice.

So when we got up this morning before he went out for breakfast I was already up and reading the responses that some of you left on my post yesterday and he's reading over my shoulder like: Wow, these people are like fierce over you.

Which made me smile because you guys are.  Then I let him read the messages between me and the friend in question and he nodded and said "Good.  I'm glad he apologized and appreciates you and offered an explanation."  So I sort of look at him, "You're kind of fierce over me too huh?"

"Well, I'm a possessive boyfriend and I'm not going to let anyone take my baby for granted.  You're my man and I'm gonna look out for you."

I'm sort of looking at him in shock.  Say what now?  I'm still thinking about that statement.

Anyway, that brings us to where we are now, Jack's in bed next to me eating pancakes, eggs and sausage from McDonald's.  I have pancakes sausage and hashbrowns on the nightstand next to me, we both have coffee and we're watching LOGO TV(I told him my secret dream to work there in some capacity or to write a movie or something for them).  He wants to say hi so I'm going to let him say hi to you all (we're not there for him to be a part of my blog permanently but he can say hi.  So here he is):



Hey everyone.  My name is Jackson.  Everyone calls me Jack, but Vic says you guys know that.  I just want to say hi and sorta introduce myself.  Thank you to those who told him to give me another chance and to those of you who gave him advice about our date or supported him.  He's really amazing and I've heard about a lot of you all (although there are a few names that come up a lot-Vic's little brothers? Thorny and Matt) and you all seem really nice.  So, nice to meet all of you.                 Jackson



LOL.  His hands were shaking!!  He's so cute!!  He was asking me "Is that okay?  What do I say?"  Then he's like: It is Thorny and Matt that are your little brothers right?  They're not your crush?  Hahaha!!  Anyway, we're going to get back to watching whatever this is and read some more of On Fire and then go out to the beach out in St. Pete and have lunch.  He asked me to stay the weekend so I am.  I'm so extremely satisfied.  So much in fact that I really want to just go back to sleep.  LOL.

Talk to you folks later!

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vic/Vee

My Major Flaw

I am a very flawed individual.

You know it, I know it, my parents know it, hell even the government knows it.  I haven't tried to hide it and I have no problem shining a light on those flaws and uncertainties and and my weaknesses.

It's what makes me so approachable and lovable....I think.

Anyway, my major flaw is how unbearably clingy I can be.

I'm serious.

It's like a real sickness.  I'm not like a "You can't spend time with anyone but me," but I definitely have these moments of "Why aren't you talking to me?  Don't you like me anymore?  What did I do wrong?" if a few days go by and I haven't heard from you but I've written you.

The biggest issue is that you'll NEVER know that I'm having these thoughts, these doubts about my importance to you, that you actually like me or want to know me or hang with me or whatever.  I talked to my doctor about it yesterday and he just gets this really serious look on his face and says: "Well Vic (he calls me Vic-*sigh*-it's why I love him), why do YOU think you have these fears, these insecurities and doubts of your worth to others?"

Damn doctor.

That's how they work.  They get you to "fix" yourself.  If I could do that why am I having the government pay you all of this money to do it for me?  LOL.

Anyway, so I answer the doctor with a "Um..probably because of my parents."  Then we get into that whole issue.

I grew up knowing that if I did that one big thing that my parents didn't approve of that I'd be disowned.  So for most of my life I played the part of the perfect daughter while doing all of my dirt on the side.  When I realized that I was getting caught anyway and they were getting all upset over it, I stopped trying to hide most of it and was very outspoken and upfront about it.

Almost all of it.

When I came out I knew that I was going to lose people, I expected my parents to disown me, I hoped that they wouldn't, but I expected it.  I figured a few of my "Christian friends" would stop talking to me.  I hoped that they wouldn't, but I prepared myself for when they did.  I wasn't expecting the whole extreme condemnation, but again, not too much of a shock there.

However, when people who initially supported me then turn around and stop supporting me or stop talking to me or just ignore me completely?  Well, those old insecurities and fears pop back up.

What did I do wrong?  How can I make it better?  Am I being too suffocating?  Too clingy?  Too...whatever.  So then it becomes the whole "Maybe I shouldn't have come out,  maybe I shouldn't be making this decision, this major life choice.  I should just stay female, stay a straight female and be miserable."

Yes, one tap of doubt and the whole house of cards can come tumbling down.

So anyway, I've been like this, my whole life I guess.  I second guess almost everything.  Oh, I'm blunt and I'm honest (brutally so), but I doubt myself the whole time after it's over.  Before every email I bite my lip, chew my thumb nail but send it without making changes, and then I sit and wonder if I can get the email back.

So when I'm writing a book I'm like 10 times worse and then when it comes to a relationship or a friendship? *Rolls eyes* Well, let's just say I get on my OWN nerves.

The thing is, I know I need reassurance, I'm not fishing for compliments because I'm vain or because I have a major pride or arrogance issue, I need reassurance because hell, I was ignored growing up.  I was punished for things that weren't my fault, berated, criticized and insulted by my own father and had my mother play a very passive role in letting it happen.  And I know that at 27 these things shouldn't still be affecting me, but they do.

You see, my father's voice has become my own and I have to actively silence the doubts in my own head about myself.  And no, I don't need to be reassured that I'm like or loved or beautiful or talented everyday, because it loses its sincerity after a while and it becomes extremely draining.  Trust me I know because I do that for others.  But I think that's why I need it.

I play the part of the supporter, the encourager, the uplifter.  It's something I love doing and I do it well.  But you know what?  When I'm supporting someone I stupidly think that they're going to support me in return.  Some of them do.  A lot of them do.  And I learn who I can turn to when I need that boost of confidence, who's going to cheer me on from the sidelines and I go to them for that, but then that paranoia comes back and it's like am I annoying them?  Asking them to encourage me too much?  Am I draining them?

*Sigh*

So most of the time, I don't ask and I don't share and I won't come to you and ask you if I've done something to annoy you or bother you or if you're mad at me, I'll just bow out gracefully.  Maybe not the most mature thing.  Maybe not the best thing to do, but I don't even want to bother you by asking you if I'm bothering you, because won't that just bother you?  (Could you follow that?)

Once in a blue moon I'll ask someone if they're mad at me when I haven't heard from them in a while and usually once I do that I stress so much about it that I have to walk away from my computer or my phone.  It's not a great way to be and yes, it sort of makes me feel crazy (although my doctor assured me that I'm not.  "It's perfectly normal for someone who has been through what you've been through to feel this way").  But, that's just it, I'd have to explain everything I've been through to everyone that I get close to so that they'd understand those moments when I tell them "You probably won't hear from me for like two days, I need to just be by myself" or when I ask "Am I bothering you too much?  Being too smothering?  Too stalkerish/crazy person?"  But usually when they hear what I've been through they can't handle it and they walk away.

It's a damn cache-22.

So, I take to my blog, I tell those who I know suffer through the same insecurities, the same fears, the same paranoias and I let them ease that fear or give me advice: "Just ask him."  "Just text her and see."  "Vee, you're not crazy, you're a caring supportive person, you just want to continue to be that way and if you weren't a caring and supportive person then you wouldn't care about if you were smothering or annoying someone."

*Sigh*

It's a flaw, a major, annoying flaw, that need for reassurance, for someone, anyone to give a damn, to care and then to pretend as if I don't need it.  To ignore my brain and my heart yelling for me to make sure that I haven't crossed a line or to make sure that I'm not being too pushy.  To go on like nothing's wrong and that it doesn't kill me or tear my heart to shreds when an email from me goes unanswered for a week or two but others are being responded to.  When a voicemail from me gets deleted or a call gets ignored from my cell number but you answer someone else's.  And yes, if I were talking to someone else, I'd be all like "Just ask them what's going on.  I'm sure there's an explanation, they wouldn't just stop talking to you or ignoring you, you're an awesome person and they're a total jackass if they don't see that."  But that's me talking to you, giving you truth.

I don't necessarily feel that way about myself.

So I was talking on messenger with Kate and on the phone with Jack and I'm telling them both about this insecurity I'm having and about how I'm so unsure about whether or not to ask or talk to this person and how I really just need to get this whole, this is me, take it or leave it, I'm an insecure, selfless, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic bitch thing off my chest and Kate tells me to message the person.

Jack tells me to write a blog...and message this person.

So I did both.

So yes, I am insecure, possessive, protective, loyal, empathetic, selfless bitch who will forever be independent and do things for myself but will silently be screaming for reassurance and love and caring and encouragement.

That's just me.