I Feel Pretty, and Witty, and GAY!!! & Happy Feet 2

So here in my new adopted family it is not unheard of for one of us to break out into a random song....okay, okay, it's usually me.

The other day, however, the Nieceling let me know that if I was going to break out into song that I HAD to sing:

I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!!

It was hilarious and we all laughed really hard, but that night when I went to bed I had to be honest with myself.

I feel plenty witty.  I'm an author, so wittiness is like a pre-requisite.

I also feel plenty gay.  I mean...DUH!  And being here in NY there seems to be a bountiful amount of beautiful gay boys for me to flirt with.

It's that pretty thing that chokes me up.

You see, I can't remember the last time I actually looked at myself in the mirror.  I pretty much make it a point NOT to do so.

I know you're wondering why.

Because in my head, I'm Vic, but physically I'm still Vee and it's heartbreaking for me.  I hate looking in the mirror and expecting to see a man but only seeing a female.  As a matter of fact, I've but my hair twice in the last month, it's now to the middle of my cheeks and today was the first day that someone said to me "Excuse me sir."  I grinned so wide when that happened.

But you know what?  I still don't look in the mirror.  I avoid them with extreme fervor and that's nothing on going out in public and having to use the restroom and having to force myself to go into the women's bathroom because I don't want to cause a problem.

But today I went out with the Nieceling and my older adopted sister to see a free prescreen of Happy Feet 2 and I was blown away by how awesome this movie is.  The story line was excellent, but the lessons that ran rampant through the whole movie was even more amazing (there is even a gay couple in the movie.  Will and Bill Krill. Bill: "We can have our own swarm"  Will: "We're both men."  Bill: "We can adopt.").

Realizing that everyone is different but that means that everyone is special.  That sometimes people will pick on your differences but that you have to find that something strong inside of you that will help you to stand up in the face of that bullying (think: "It Gets Better.").  But the greatest lesson: The very thing that makes you different and special, makes you beautiful and gives you the strength and power that you need to overcome any obstacle and any challenge.

And I wish I could tell you that I came home and stared at myself in the mirror and told myself that I'm a pretty gay boy, but I'd be lying and you all know I'm very brutally honest, especially with myself.

No, I still can't really face that reflection that doesn't show what I feel and see on the inside, but I can tell you that I have realized that the very thing that made my family turn their backs on me, the very thing that made me lose friends, the very thing that drove me to move all the way from Florida to New York, is the very thing that makes me special, that makes me different.

It's the very thing that makes me beautiful.

And one day I'm going to be able to face my image and see Vic and not some strange mixture of Vic & Vee or just Vee and I'm going to smile broadly, square my shoulders and sing at the top of my lungs:

I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY, AND WITTY AND GAY!!!

And I'm going to mean it.

My Obsession With Gay Men

I am in love with David Tutera and John Barrowman. Let me clarify….I am IN LOVE with them! Like, I know that they’re both gay and married and no, I don’t want to make love with them…..okay, John Barrowman is HOT so if he was bisexual then, yes, I would want to make love with him and David is sexy but him, not so much. Anyway, I want to like live with them and be best friends with them and have them be like my gay older brothers.


I don’t know what it is. I mean I have many gay friends, I actually think that my ratio of homosexual/bisexual friends outnumbers my heterosexual friends, 3 to 1. It’s not that I so much seek them out as it is that we just seem to draw naturally to each other.

But regardless of that, I think it may be posing a little bit of a problem. I mean not like, I need to cut all homosexual/bisexual people out of my life, but it’s like, I’m celeb crushing on men that are GAY for heaven’s sake! I actually told Angel that if Shemar Moore of “Criminal Minds” was gay or bisexual, I’d probably start crushing on him again. And how warped is that?

I’ve poked around in my psyche for the reason why this is, but I can’t seem to determine the cause of it all. And it’s not that I love ALL gay men, because I don’t. I loathe Clay Aiken, have a slight tolerance of Ricky Martin, and honestly wish that Perez Hilton would take a very long walk off a very short pier.

Too harsh?

But there are others like David Tutera, John Barrowman, B Scott, Richard, Angel, James, Justin, Kathryn, Maria, Ellen Degneres, Jake, people that I know are gay that I find I want to spend so much more time with than my heterosexual people. You know those people that “society” says that I should want to spend my time with.

I mean, I guess it is kind of weird right? That I smile and get all excited when I watch “My Fair Wedding” just so I can see David Tutera or “Torchwood” just so I can see John Barrowman or that I spend more time on the phone talking to Richard, Angel or Justin than anyone else.

I love reading books by Mary Calmes, T.A. Chase, Stormy Glenn, Ally Blue or Amy Lane….you know gay romance books. Richard and I were talking about this just yesterday and I told him, I know that I’m weird and it makes no sense, but what do I do about it? And why is it that I’m so drawn to gay men? I mean, even though it is strictly on a platonic level, it’s still pretty weird.

So here is my amateur psychological evaluation about my obsession with gay men:

1. No pressure emotionally, physically or sexually. It’s purely platonic.

2. No competition like with a woman. We can both find a man attractive but really only one of us has a shot, not like if it was one straight man and two straight women.

3. The relationship between two men is sort of the relationship that I want with a man. Very few words, more physical displays of affection at home but not really so much in public. A definite understanding of roles. Too many women get in relationships where they are both dominant and submissive, but in a gay relationship, I’ve noticed, that there seems to be a definite understanding of roles

4. The ease of the relationship. A straight man and a woman seem to sniff around each other before one actually makes a move and then there are the emotions, the definite problem of the fact that they speak two different languages and unfortunately someone always makes it into something more than what it actually is. But a gay man and a woman? It’s very easy, we’re friends and it’s almost instantaneous.

5. The laughter, the drama, the passion, the over-the-top expressions. For some reason, any gay man that I’ve been around, even the laid-back ones, when I’m around them, I laugh more and everything is like being on Broadway…everything.

6. The great balance of woman and man. I get the emotional compassion and understanding of a woman, but the insight, the phsyical strength, the fix-it attitude of a man. It’s perfect.

7. The level of comfort. I guess this sort of goes back to #4 with the ease of the relationship, but there’s no judging when I talk to my gay guys and funny as it may seem to my heteros, when I tell one of my gay guys how much I LOVE them, they just smile, hug me and tell me that I am “so precious” and that they love me too.

8. No judging. Not about my past, my present or what I want to do with my future. They may judge my clothing, my hair, my makeup and even what guy I want to date, but the things that matter? There’s only understanding.

9. They are beautiful. I could sit and just look at a gay man like David Tutera or John Barrowman or Sky ( http://www.thinlinebetween.tumblr.com ) and never ever grow bored. I have yet to see a gay man that I didn’t see something beautiful about.

10. The passion. Gay men sort of remind me of Italians. They are passionate about EVERYTHING and so am I. It’s surreal and kismet and such a relief to know that there are others who get just as fired up as I do about certain issues. And not just talk about it, but put action into words.

Gay men are my soul-mates I guess you could say. Maybe that’s my obsession with them? Every one of them that I have met I feel a connection with on a certain level and when I’m around them I can breathe easier, I am more comfortable than if I am surrounded by women, where I instantly feel like I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way, where I feel instant competition and it’s a competition to the death (or the altar-which is pretty much the same thing in some circles). It is more comfortable than being surrounded by straight men, because in the same manner I feel as though I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way because hell, one of them could be the perfect guy for me, or doing the wrong thing could make me get raped or hit on or flirted with.


Maybe that’s what it is.

I am comfortable with gay men, at ease with them. AT PEACE with them. And really, once you find the source of your peace, don’t you spend every moment, every resource, do all you can do, to surround yourself with that source of peace?