My Obsession With Gay Men

I am in love with David Tutera and John Barrowman. Let me clarify….I am IN LOVE with them! Like, I know that they’re both gay and married and no, I don’t want to make love with them…..okay, John Barrowman is HOT so if he was bisexual then, yes, I would want to make love with him and David is sexy but him, not so much. Anyway, I want to like live with them and be best friends with them and have them be like my gay older brothers.


I don’t know what it is. I mean I have many gay friends, I actually think that my ratio of homosexual/bisexual friends outnumbers my heterosexual friends, 3 to 1. It’s not that I so much seek them out as it is that we just seem to draw naturally to each other.

But regardless of that, I think it may be posing a little bit of a problem. I mean not like, I need to cut all homosexual/bisexual people out of my life, but it’s like, I’m celeb crushing on men that are GAY for heaven’s sake! I actually told Angel that if Shemar Moore of “Criminal Minds” was gay or bisexual, I’d probably start crushing on him again. And how warped is that?

I’ve poked around in my psyche for the reason why this is, but I can’t seem to determine the cause of it all. And it’s not that I love ALL gay men, because I don’t. I loathe Clay Aiken, have a slight tolerance of Ricky Martin, and honestly wish that Perez Hilton would take a very long walk off a very short pier.

Too harsh?

But there are others like David Tutera, John Barrowman, B Scott, Richard, Angel, James, Justin, Kathryn, Maria, Ellen Degneres, Jake, people that I know are gay that I find I want to spend so much more time with than my heterosexual people. You know those people that “society” says that I should want to spend my time with.

I mean, I guess it is kind of weird right? That I smile and get all excited when I watch “My Fair Wedding” just so I can see David Tutera or “Torchwood” just so I can see John Barrowman or that I spend more time on the phone talking to Richard, Angel or Justin than anyone else.

I love reading books by Mary Calmes, T.A. Chase, Stormy Glenn, Ally Blue or Amy Lane….you know gay romance books. Richard and I were talking about this just yesterday and I told him, I know that I’m weird and it makes no sense, but what do I do about it? And why is it that I’m so drawn to gay men? I mean, even though it is strictly on a platonic level, it’s still pretty weird.

So here is my amateur psychological evaluation about my obsession with gay men:

1. No pressure emotionally, physically or sexually. It’s purely platonic.

2. No competition like with a woman. We can both find a man attractive but really only one of us has a shot, not like if it was one straight man and two straight women.

3. The relationship between two men is sort of the relationship that I want with a man. Very few words, more physical displays of affection at home but not really so much in public. A definite understanding of roles. Too many women get in relationships where they are both dominant and submissive, but in a gay relationship, I’ve noticed, that there seems to be a definite understanding of roles

4. The ease of the relationship. A straight man and a woman seem to sniff around each other before one actually makes a move and then there are the emotions, the definite problem of the fact that they speak two different languages and unfortunately someone always makes it into something more than what it actually is. But a gay man and a woman? It’s very easy, we’re friends and it’s almost instantaneous.

5. The laughter, the drama, the passion, the over-the-top expressions. For some reason, any gay man that I’ve been around, even the laid-back ones, when I’m around them, I laugh more and everything is like being on Broadway…everything.

6. The great balance of woman and man. I get the emotional compassion and understanding of a woman, but the insight, the phsyical strength, the fix-it attitude of a man. It’s perfect.

7. The level of comfort. I guess this sort of goes back to #4 with the ease of the relationship, but there’s no judging when I talk to my gay guys and funny as it may seem to my heteros, when I tell one of my gay guys how much I LOVE them, they just smile, hug me and tell me that I am “so precious” and that they love me too.

8. No judging. Not about my past, my present or what I want to do with my future. They may judge my clothing, my hair, my makeup and even what guy I want to date, but the things that matter? There’s only understanding.

9. They are beautiful. I could sit and just look at a gay man like David Tutera or John Barrowman or Sky ( http://www.thinlinebetween.tumblr.com ) and never ever grow bored. I have yet to see a gay man that I didn’t see something beautiful about.

10. The passion. Gay men sort of remind me of Italians. They are passionate about EVERYTHING and so am I. It’s surreal and kismet and such a relief to know that there are others who get just as fired up as I do about certain issues. And not just talk about it, but put action into words.

Gay men are my soul-mates I guess you could say. Maybe that’s my obsession with them? Every one of them that I have met I feel a connection with on a certain level and when I’m around them I can breathe easier, I am more comfortable than if I am surrounded by women, where I instantly feel like I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way, where I feel instant competition and it’s a competition to the death (or the altar-which is pretty much the same thing in some circles). It is more comfortable than being surrounded by straight men, because in the same manner I feel as though I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way because hell, one of them could be the perfect guy for me, or doing the wrong thing could make me get raped or hit on or flirted with.


Maybe that’s what it is.

I am comfortable with gay men, at ease with them. AT PEACE with them. And really, once you find the source of your peace, don’t you spend every moment, every resource, do all you can do, to surround yourself with that source of peace?

Wow

It's been a while since I've written a blog. Blame my long, physically demanding hours at work. I literally come home and pass out every morning. There have been so many things that have gone on that I wanted to share but of course, I was just too tired to do so, but I did think about this blog if that's any consolation.

First thing first (what's up with that phrase anyway? It makes no sense, if it's the first thing of course it will be first. Why reiterate that fact? Anyway...). At my job (I work overnight at Walmart) the gossip has gotten absolutely ridiculous. When it first started about me, I figured that it was because I was "the new girl." I mean, it happens, people speculate about a person, why they are who they are, how they got there, etc. So at first I overlooked the "she's stuck-up," "she's a bitch," "she thinks she's better than everyone else" comments. Then it became "she's a nympho," that one kind of bothered me, but still I said nothing. However, as if my silence and non-response was pissing off the gossipers, it got worse: "she had sex with five guys that work here, she let them run a train on her," "she got kicked out of the military for having sex with her drill sergeant," "she's a lesbian," "she's bisexual," etc. The gossip got more malicious, more damaging and started pissing me off more and more. These people don't even know me, and the ones that are talking are the ones that I don't speak to at all. Maybe that made them mad? I don't know and at first I didn't care, however, it got to the point where I had to let "Bonifah," the name I gave my temper, come out. I subtley threatened or warned some of them, and confronted others.
Do they not know how destructive gossip is? How damaging? Gossip can ruin lives, cause breakups, people kill themselves over gossip. I'm not there, trust me, but I am pissed off to the point where I realize that I may need to transfer and soon in order to preserve my sanity. This is why I don't like people most of the time. Just people in general. And that's very hard to reconcile with my optimistic-"people are basically good"-hopeful-happy personality. I'm not angry, violent, or frustrated by nature, but I'm that way every time I set foot into that building.
So, there's the gossip and then there's the guy. We'll call him....J.D. because those are his initials. So J.D. and I began our flirtation about two months into my employment at my store. I was serious about it, he seemed serious about it. We made out in the store, we constantly texted each other, we talked about the parameters of our "relationship." Then I went into the hospital for castochondritis and he proceeds to tell me that it was all a joke on his part. WTF?! Yeah, I was pissed. But I can read people very well. I tend to overlook or ignore my instincts and intuitions about certain people, but I'm usually right (it's a: "something's just not right" kind of thing). So, because I felt like he actually was attracted to me just scared or hesitant to get involved because we worked together, I kept talking to him, flirting with him, hanging out with him. And we definitely had our moments where it was apparent to anyone looking at us that we liked each other, and then I found one of the roots of our problem. We'll call him J.B. since those are HIS initials.
Never have I wanted to strangle someone as much as I wanted to strangle J.B. Here's this young, African-American BOY (J.D. is Puerto Rican and I'm apparently in my I want a Hispanic man phase- ie, Adam Rodriguez who is HOT.) who feels as if he's ENTITLED to me or that I'm OBLIGATED to talk to him or want him because HE SAYS SO (Yeah, I'm still pissed off about it). He's an arrogant S.O.B. who makes my skin crawl when I think about being around him and my stomach lurch when I think about being alone with him. He's young, stupid, did I mention arrogant? Someone spent way too much time telling him, or leading him to believe, that he was God's gift to women. He tried to be the jerk that picks up women by insulting them (if you've ever seen Criminal Minds Season 04 Episode 09 "52 Pickup" then you know the technique). I'm definitely one of those women that is not only immune to that particular technique, I'm turned off by it. He angers me when I have to talk to him or deal with him, think about him or whatever. As you can probably tell.
Anyway, apparently J.B. was talking to J.D. about me behind my back, egging him on, prompting him to do things, to say things, etc. Living vicariously through him, dating me through him. Which is sick and yes, childish. Like some Cyrano crap. Except the words and the looks all came from J.D.
Last but not least, my birthday is in November, November 16th (Let's give it up for Scorpios! Woohoo!!). And some friends and I are going to Las Vegas, NV for my birthday. I'm supremely excited about the whole thing. We're going to be staying in the Bellagio Hotel and spending four days there. I can't wait to see what happens, who gets married, which celebrities we'll see (GOD, please let Shemar Moore be there and let him be attracted to me! That would be THE PERFECT birthday present-Four days and nights of hot blissful, toe-curling, earth shattering, addictive sex with that FINE piece of man chocolately caramel), how much we lose and win gambling. It's going to be great!!
Well, writing this blog has actually made me tired, which is a good thing. I'll be going to sleep now, I hope all of you out there have a great day/night. Be happy and from what I've learned this past week, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or to pursue what you want, you'll be happy that you did in the end.

Hello

So at the urging and insistence of family and friends, I have decided to create a blog. Something completely different than what I would normally do. I would usually take up a ton of space talking about world issues and controversies, and while I'll still give my "two cents" on those things, I'm also going to put up samples of my writing, videos of me acting or monologuing, pictures of my art...Pretty much just letting you guys get a chance to know who I am. The real me. I've been somewhat missing for a few years, lost in my attempts to become that perfect...something, for everyone. There's something so liberating when you finally decide to live for yourself.

So anyway, some quick background information on me...I am one of six children from my father, my mother's eldest of four. I am a former Army soldier, an aspiring actress, writer, singer and businesswoman. Yeah...I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades. I love watching The History Channel, Comedy Central, HGTV, and Lifetime. I jokingly tell people that my heart is Italian, because of my love for the food, culture, history, and lifestyle of the people of Italy. I am eccentric when it comes to my television watching habits. My current favorite television show is "Criminal Minds." I have watched "A Different World," "Remember the Titans," "California Dreams," and "Legally Blonde" so much that I have every show/line memorized, much to my family and friends' dismay.

I'm a walking contradiction. I am a free-spirited woman who thrives on rules and regulations. I'm a spontaneous planner. One of the biggest contradictions is the fact that I don't want to get married, I've actually sworn off dating/relationships/marriage, BUT I want to have a wedding! (I know, how weird is that?) I love making people laugh, but I don't consider myself a comedian, I love to write and act and sing and while I want to make a living doing those things, they are all just a means to an end, my deepest desire is to save the world. I know, it's a tall order, but there are non-profit organizations, charities and group homes that I want to start and you have to have a couple million/billion dollars to truly make them effective, so what better way to fund them than by using my talent to do so?

My life is not easy, my thoughts are not your usual run-of-the mill thoughts, I think outside of the box, I'm blunt, I'm open, I share freely. I'm happily, contentedly, and devotedly single and there's only one man that can change that: Shemar Moore and seeing as how he doesn't know I exist, there's no danger of my status ever changing (and that's how I like it).

Anyway welcome to "Whisper of Longing", a glimpse into my world, my life, my talent, my hopes, my dream and our generation.