I am in love with David Tutera and John Barrowman. Let me clarify….I am IN LOVE with them! Like, I know that they’re both gay and married and no, I don’t want to make love with them…..okay, John Barrowman is HOT so if he was bisexual then, yes, I would want to make love with him and David is sexy but him, not so much. Anyway, I want to like live with them and be best friends with them and have them be like my gay older brothers.
I don’t know what it is. I mean I have many gay friends, I actually think that my ratio of homosexual/bisexual friends outnumbers my heterosexual friends, 3 to 1. It’s not that I so much seek them out as it is that we just seem to draw naturally to each other.
But regardless of that, I think it may be posing a little bit of a problem. I mean not like, I need to cut all homosexual/bisexual people out of my life, but it’s like, I’m celeb crushing on men that are GAY for heaven’s sake! I actually told Angel that if Shemar Moore of “Criminal Minds” was gay or bisexual, I’d probably start crushing on him again. And how warped is that?
I’ve poked around in my psyche for the reason why this is, but I can’t seem to determine the cause of it all. And it’s not that I love ALL gay men, because I don’t. I loathe Clay Aiken, have a slight tolerance of Ricky Martin, and honestly wish that Perez Hilton would take a very long walk off a very short pier.
But there are others like David Tutera, John Barrowman, B Scott, Richard, Angel, James, Justin, Kathryn, Maria, Ellen Degneres, Jake, people that I know are gay that I find I want to spend so much more time with than my heterosexual people. You know those people that “society” says that I should want to spend my time with.
I mean, I guess it is kind of weird right? That I smile and get all excited when I watch “My Fair Wedding” just so I can see David Tutera or “Torchwood” just so I can see John Barrowman or that I spend more time on the phone talking to Richard, Angel or Justin than anyone else.
I love reading books by Mary Calmes, T.A. Chase, Stormy Glenn, Ally Blue or Amy Lane….you know gay romance books. Richard and I were talking about this just yesterday and I told him, I know that I’m weird and it makes no sense, but what do I do about it? And why is it that I’m so drawn to gay men? I mean, even though it is strictly on a platonic level, it’s still pretty weird.
So here is my amateur psychological evaluation about my obsession with gay men:
1. No pressure emotionally, physically or sexually. It’s purely platonic.
2. No competition like with a woman. We can both find a man attractive but really only one of us has a shot, not like if it was one straight man and two straight women.
3. The relationship between two men is sort of the relationship that I want with a man. Very few words, more physical displays of affection at home but not really so much in public. A definite understanding of roles. Too many women get in relationships where they are both dominant and submissive, but in a gay relationship, I’ve noticed, that there seems to be a definite understanding of roles
4. The ease of the relationship. A straight man and a woman seem to sniff around each other before one actually makes a move and then there are the emotions, the definite problem of the fact that they speak two different languages and unfortunately someone always makes it into something more than what it actually is. But a gay man and a woman? It’s very easy, we’re friends and it’s almost instantaneous.
5. The laughter, the drama, the passion, the over-the-top expressions. For some reason, any gay man that I’ve been around, even the laid-back ones, when I’m around them, I laugh more and everything is like being on Broadway…everything.
6. The great balance of woman and man. I get the emotional compassion and understanding of a woman, but the insight, the phsyical strength, the fix-it attitude of a man. It’s perfect.
7. The level of comfort. I guess this sort of goes back to #4 with the ease of the relationship, but there’s no judging when I talk to my gay guys and funny as it may seem to my heteros, when I tell one of my gay guys how much I LOVE them, they just smile, hug me and tell me that I am “so precious” and that they love me too.
8. No judging. Not about my past, my present or what I want to do with my future. They may judge my clothing, my hair, my makeup and even what guy I want to date, but the things that matter? There’s only understanding.
9. They are beautiful. I could sit and just look at a gay man like David Tutera or John Barrowman or Sky ( http://www.thinlinebetween.tumblr.com ) and never ever grow bored. I have yet to see a gay man that I didn’t see something beautiful about.
10. The passion. Gay men sort of remind me of Italians. They are passionate about EVERYTHING and so am I. It’s surreal and kismet and such a relief to know that there are others who get just as fired up as I do about certain issues. And not just talk about it, but put action into words.
Gay men are my soul-mates I guess you could say. Maybe that’s my obsession with them? Every one of them that I have met I feel a connection with on a certain level and when I’m around them I can breathe easier, I am more comfortable than if I am surrounded by women, where I instantly feel like I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way, where I feel instant competition and it’s a competition to the death (or the altar-which is pretty much the same thing in some circles). It is more comfortable than being surrounded by straight men, because in the same manner I feel as though I have to look, talk, act, move, think and believe a certain way because hell, one of them could be the perfect guy for me, or doing the wrong thing could make me get raped or hit on or flirted with.
Maybe that’s what it is.
I am comfortable with gay men, at ease with them. AT PEACE with them. And really, once you find the source of your peace, don’t you spend every moment, every resource, do all you can do, to surround yourself with that source of peace?