I spent the night listening to Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Two with my sisters. At the end of the movie the song "A Thousand Years" by Paramore plays. I love that song and often listen to it on repeat. Tonight something different happened and as I listened to the song. I thought of Christopher. I cried but they were the tears, I think, of completion.
I felt as if I needed to write a letter of apology to every boyfriend, partner and lover that I've had since his death because while listening to the song I realized that I have been searching for that feeling again. The all-consuming passion and love that he and I shared. I saw forever in Christopher's eyes. I saw our children, our house and our future. All wrapped and interwoven within beautiful golden strands that were and are unbreakable. I mourned him to the best of my ability but a month away from the seven year anniversary of his death I realized that I didn't. A part of me is still searching for him. Seeking him in every man that expresses an interest.
I still want to share my happy days and my not-so-happy ones with him. The grief that still churns within my heart and pulses within my soul has colored everything around me. It has kept me from fully investing myself in all types of relationships because I don't think they will compare to the man who loved me so completely and left me so tragically.
As I sat outside listening to the song and smoking I began to cry and whispered to him that I still missed him. You see, the words of that song are true. I will love him for a thousand years. That is something that will never change for me. And I also realized that instead of trying to replace him with men (and a woman) who just can't replace him that I should instead be trying to make room in my heart for that next special someone in my heart alongside him.
Christopher wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning and missing him. Instead he'd want me to love someone just as fiercely as I loved him.
It's easy to say but hard to do. I get that but I think I am finally ready to do it. Because while I haven't shared my heartbreak with many or really anyone the way I should have, I can try to find someone to share the rest of my life with.
So to those who I didn't love with the whole of me: I'm sorry. I did you and us a disservice. And to the one who is willing to live inside of my heart alongside the man who I will love for a thousand years and a thousand more: thank you in advance. I promise to do my best to love you as much as you deserve to be loved.
And to my Christopher B: I will never EVER stop loving you. Know that. And know too that I will spend the rest of my life as a tribute to the love that you have me for those all too brief 3.5 years.
I love you.
-Vicktor A B