I've been raped before.
What a way to start this post but literally my brain is stuck on a few facts right now and they keep playing repeatedly.
I was raped. And when I went into the hospital, Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" was playing on the speakers. While I was questioned and examined, Whitney's voice sang and told me about how she wished good things for me and how she would always love me.
Yes, I know it was just a song and it wasn't directly for me but it helped make that whole thing bearable.
Every break-up I listened to Whitney Houston.
Every time I realized how miserable I was with my biological family, how much I hated hiding some part of myself I listened to or sang "I Want to Run to You."
When Christopher passed I listened to "Why Does It Hurt So Bad?" and when I finally accepted that he was gone I listened to "Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)" and "I Will Always Love You."
And last week when I was doubting that I could be in a relationship with Daniel, when I was thinking about breaking things off with him so that he could find someone good enough for him, Whitney's song "I Believe in You and Me" came on and then "Saving All My Love for You" right after that, even though iTunes was on shuffle.
Just like with Michael Jackson, listening to Whitney Houston got me through some of the toughest moments of my life. The first time I auditioned for American Idol, I sang Whitney Houston's "I Want to Run to You." And when I got ready to move to New York "The Greatest Love of All" was playing on my phone/iPod as I sat on the plane and in between connecting flights.
So while others may not understand why I'm crying over Whitney's death, seeing as how I never met her (although I did meet CeCe Winans and talked to her about Whitney, so I was almost there), but her death devastates me, because her music, her voice got me through so much heartache, pain and devastation in my life and while I knew that it would happen one day, her death makes me relive those moments. As irrational as it sounds, listening to her music, crying to her music, made me feel that she was going through them with me, her, Janet Jackson, Christina Aguilera and Michael Jackson were the ones who were with me, the ones who saw me cry, who heard my words, saw my pain and losing them means those moments become even more painful.
*Sigh* I was going to sing a song in tribute to Whitney and post it here, but I can't sing more than two lines without crying, so I'm just going to post videos.
RIP Whitney Houston, your voice came from the Heavens and now it returns there, but you will always be missed.