Monday, April 16, 2012

Vivianna Week, Day One




Six years ago, while I was still in denial about my truth and living as a woman, I found out that I was pregnant with my fiance, Christopher's, child. While being pregnant was definitely not a new experience for me (it had happened twice before in not so pleasant ways), this was the first time that I was pregnant by someone that I loved. More than that, while the idea and the reality that I was pregnant was beyond weird for me and didn't feel right (look of shock on both Christopher's face and mine when the doctor told us what was going on), I was nevertheless very happy to be having a baby with Christopher.

We immediately began to plan for the arrival of our baby. We both staunchly ignored the fact that Christopher had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and by the time we found out that I was pregnant I was already two and a half months along. We didn't heed the warnings of our mothers who told us to not buy items for the baby before the baby was actually there. We knew better than they did. We were in love and happy and hell, what the fuck did they know right?

Christopher would call from work and want me to put the phone to my belly so that he could talk to the child growing within me. I always thought he was being silly but it always made me smile. I knew that Christopher would be an amazing father because he was an amazing son, brother, fiance, supervisor, and friend. He made me want to be a better person, much better than I already was at that point. He wanted to work in the teen group home with me and always encouraged me in my writing, in my pursuit to change the world and told me that I could do whatever I put my mind to. There wasn't a day that went by where he didn't tell me that he loved me, that I was beautiful, how happy he was to have me in his life. For three and a half years, Christopher was my rock, my strength, my biggest fan & supporter, my conscience, my best friend, my counselor and my lover.

On July 15, 2006 we went to the doctor and we were told that we were having a daughter. We instantly named her Vivianna Christine B. Vivianna for me, Christine for Christopher. And B-for both of our last names.

On July 27, 2006 Christopher passed away around 2:15am (according to the ME), which was about 15 minutes after we hung up from talking to each other.

August 8, 2006 I miscarried Vivianna when I woke up with sharp pains lancing through my body. My last physical connection to Christopher and I lost her.

I don't know what Vivianna was spared from, because my Granny Mary told me that God only took her to spare her from some unspeakable heartbreak here on Earth. Maybe that's true. But even now, almost six years later, I still don't know why she was taken when she was. I do remember the pain that sliced through my heart when the doctors told me that she was gone. I remember that she didn't look like a baby to me. I remember being angry with Christopher that he took her with him to Heaven and that they'd both left me alone.

I know what you're thinking.

Vic, why the hell are you sharing this with us? Are you trying to make us cry?

Um...no?

I'm sharing that with you because, April 14th, 2006 was the day that I found out that I was pregnant. On April 14th of this year, crazy as it may sound, I could almost feel the spirit of my daughter around me and hear her laughter. I don't think that she (or Christopher) would be surprised that I "came out" and identify as a transgender man who is gay. I don't think it would be a shock to them at all. I think that they would be shocked that it took me so long to admit it to myself. I know for a fact that Christopher suspected something, seeing as how he always told me that dating me was like "dating a dude...but a dude in a chick's body."

So in honor of my daughter Vivianna, whose memory and presence are weighing so heavily on my mind, I have decided to dedicate this week to her. Posts about her, in her honor, to her, maybe stories from friends of mine about their daughters/sons, or about being a daughter/son or their mother/father/grandparent(s).  You know, emphasizing the relationship between parent and child, because I've shared quite a bit about the horror of my biological family, I think it's time to share quite a bit about the happy side of a true family. So it won't just be on this blog, but it will be on The Purple Fantasy Den and also on my Vicktor Alexander Website.

So, Vivianna, my darling daughter, I miss you dearly, every single day. Not a single moment passes where I don't think about you or your father and miss you both so much that it hurts, but your Daddy Vic so appreciates you looking down on him from Heaven. Thank you for coming to visit me and for allowing me to have you, even if it was just for a little while.

P.S. Don't let your Uncle Justin talk you into singing Broadway showtunes with him up in Heaven, I'm not so sure how Jesus would feel about you both singing songs from Les Miserables or Cats.




13 comments:

  1. Oh dear man...that was simply beautiful--an incredible tribute to both your daughter and your partner! I will keep you in my heart this week as you write about them and remember the love you still carry for them. Sweet man, take comfort from your memories and I hope this day and week to come find you whole and well and living in the love of that wonderful boy of yours!

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    1. Thank you Sammy. I appreciate the sentiment and support. I'm so glad that I'm able to do this for her, it's helping me a lot.

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  2. Aww, Vic, you write so beautifully of your daughter and fiancee. Loosing a child no matter how must be devastating. My thoughts are with you.

    Tj

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    1. Thank you Tj. It's good for me to be able to talk about them and to share them with others. To focus on something good about my past for once. LOL. I appreciate the comment, losing her just a week after losing Christopher was absolutely horrible, but he obviously needed her in Heaven so they could watch over me, more than I needed her here with me.

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  3. Great way to honor them. =) Have a post idea I'd like to write up and send you for it.

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    1. Thank you so much Patty. I think that they'd like it as well. And your post was amazing. Thank you for contributing.

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  4. I love the way you've chosen to honour them - really makes me wish I could write. I'm sorry you've been through such pain but I do believe that souls/spirits sometimes keep watch or visit.
    I'll try sharing something positive; I'm never sure whether it's a helpful thing to do or not, but I'll try...
    After reading the posts for day one & two I keep thinking of some photos I took over Easter with my family. More than my life is worth to post them - I was chatting to my sister whle she was breastfeeding; and got a truly lovely shot of them both. She's looking down at him and I really can see the love on her face. And bless him, he'd been dressed in a superman outfit, complete with cape, so he looks like he's flying while in her lap. And I love that picture.
    Hugs & best wishes to you.
    Sarah

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    1. Thank you Sarah. That picture sounds adorable.

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  5. Beautiful post! I haven't been able to think of anything to contribute--sick and sluggish at the moment--but I'm reading. <3

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    1. Aawww! Big Sis, I hope you feel better soon!! Thanks for reading even if you can't contribute.

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  6. I've been there, Vic. I know the pain. I hate it. I hate the fact that all we could do is say "Oh I think this was fate" or "May be there has to be some reason".

    Sometimes there IS no reason, sometimes it is NOT fate. Just shitty luck.

    I am so touched and moved that you chose to honor your angel daughter in such a beautiful and moving way. You, my dear, are strong. XOXO.

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    1. Thank you Brahmin. I so appreciate it. I really do. You know that in my mind I realize that sometimes there is no reason and I can accept that, but sometimes I need there to be a reason or I won't be able to cope with it. Even if the reason that I'm given makes no sense.

      Thank you so much for commenting and your beautiful words. I so appreciate it.

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  7. I know I am late posting and I am sorry I missed this beautiful post Vic. I have been having a very hard time going through some things of my own but I wanted you to know I hadn't forgotten about you.
    I think this is a wonderful idea to honor your daughter this way and thank you so very much for sharing it with all of us. This really does bring me tears with the emotions and the beautiful way you write your memories, even if at times they are painful ones. To lose not only the one you loved but then your child too...truly heartbreaking and painful beyond words. You have been through so much in your life but the strength and bravery you have shown, there is no doubt in my mind how proud Christopher and your daughter would be!!
    All my love
    Angel

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