I totally felt like I should have fireworks and presents and stuffed animals sent to every single person who wrote a post or commented for the last day of Vivianna Week. Or you know, have some clowns or something (Lor). But then I realized that the best way for me to finish out my memorial and tribute to my daughter is to do the one thing that I couldn't do right after I lost her.
I miss you.
There is a part of me, a very big part, that is so angry that you were taken away from me.
There is a part of me that still cries at the fact that you're not here, that I'm not taking care of you.
I think about the times that we will never have with each other and it makes me so sad.
I think about the people that I will never get a chance to introduce you too and I feel like crying.
Like this new family that I have, one that is loving and accepting. One that makes mistakes but then actually apologizes for them. They're a great bunch of people and I know they would have loved you.
You have an amazing grandfather, Aleks, who I know would have doted on you, as grandparents do. You would have been one of the smartest, most eloquent, most courageous little girls on the planet because he would have made sure that you knew how smart you were and he would have made sure that you knew that you could stand up for yourself because there are people who will stand up and support you.
You have two amazing grandmothers, Stephani and NJ, who I know would have spoiled you. You would always know that you were loved with them and they would have made sure that you were the prettiest, most well dressed little girl on the block. No one would have been able to tell you that you were ugly or that no one loved you, because with your two grandmothers, you would have known that it wasn't true.
You have an amazing older sister, Catrina, who I know would have loved you immensely. She would have made sure that you respected your elders, that you appreciated art and education, that you learned from the mistakes of others. She would make sure that you lived your truth and that you always knew that you were supported and loved. She would have made sure that you had fun, that you read, that you played sports and that you never followed anyone blindly, but that whoever you followed and whoever you put your faith in, that you had a good reason for doing so.
You have an amazing uncle, Damon. He's hilarious. Much like Justin, he would make sure that you appreciated good theater, you would be charismatic, full of life, full of passion and energy. He would make sure that you never took life too seriously, but that you always made sure to take care of yourself. The greatest thing about your uncle Damon, Vivianna, is the fact that in every humorous exchange with him, there's that kernel of unyielding truth there. You would always walk away smarter and happier.
You have the world's greatest aunts. Cherie, MJ, Heidi, Piper, Taylor, Xara, Katharina, Lucy/Kat, LC and Keesha. They would all make sure that you knew how powerful you are as a woman. They would teach you about standing up for yourself. About honor, integrity, truth. With your aunts I would never have had to worry about you being taken advantage of, because they would make sure that you knew your strengths, they would make sure that you knew how talented you were and that you never let anyone take you for granted. They would spoil you, yes, but they would never let you get too spoiled or bratty. They would make sure that you towed the line and were respectful of your elders, of others around you, and of yourself, because that's how they live their lives. They would make sure that you appreciated history, culture, that you acknowledged a higher power. You would be a force to be reckoned with and your aunts would always make sure you knew how special you were, how talented, how amazing (because they remind me all the time).
You also have three other uncles, Thorny (his husband Jazz would have loved you), Matty, and Brad. My darling girl, they would make sure that you didn't focus on the negative. That you always saw the sunshine and appreciated the roses. That you laughed. That you sought help when you needed it and gave help when it was needed. They would have loved you so hard and so fiercely. You would know that you could do anything that you set your mind to do and that as long as you have a family that supports you, nothing can stand in your way. They would always be concerned for you and would always make sure to put a smile on your face, even if it's just by being enthusiastic about a cover that you did (Matty and Brad).
You also have the world's most amazing great-aunts. Poppy, Embry, mc and Anne. They would love you hard and always encourage you. They would make sure to always acknowledge you when you spoke, they would support you, no matter what you tried to do, as long as it didn't hurt you or someone else. They would be concerned about your well-being. Make you laugh, laugh at your jokes, and make sure that they did all that they could to make you comfortable with being you. They would be in your corner, Vivianna, as long as it was a corner of your choosing.
You have the world's coolest cousins. They would have kept you on your toes, kept you in shape and made sure that you appreciated the Earth, the animals, the plants, that you would treat it well and that you would never take it for granted. The Nieceling probably would have tried to make you turn you into a vegetarian, but we wouldn't have let that happen unless you wanted it to. You would have a love for good games and good television and you wouldn't have been a Belieber (which makes your Daddy very happy).
And those who fill in the gaps of our family, Vivianna, they would make sure that your world and your life was complete. Lor, Aija, Sammy, Patty, Adara, Cleon, John, Thomas, Crystal, Kathryn, Maria, Amy, Kris, Sarah, CJ, Angel, Richard, Ryan, James, Mary, Gabrielle, TA, and Daniel. You would never want for humor, for support, for comfort, for wisdom, for unbelievable expression, for encouragement, for someone to be on your side, for someone to keep you moving forward, for love.
These are the people that make up our family, our world, my baby. These are the people that I wish that you could have gotten the chance to meet. Not to mention the countless others who weave in and out of my life to help me to grow and to better myself, you would have benefited from meeting them. And the ones who were here and have gone on before: your father Christopher, Justin, Valerie, Tabitha, Granny Mary, Mores, William Neale. Some amazing people to help shape you, to help you shine just a little bit brighter than you already do.
The things in this world that you never got a chance to experience are nothing compared to the people that you never got a chance to meet. How I wish that you could have gotten a chance to meet them. I know that you have, in a way only known to YHVH, met and seen them all and that you know all of these things, but not only do I wish that you would have had the chance to meet them, but I wish that they had had the chance to meet you. I am so sure that you would have been amazing, my darling. You would have changed the world. You would have discovered a cure, or brought peace, or made an amazing discovery, or created amazing music, or written the Great American novel, but whatever you did, you would have been amazing at it.
So I miss you my daughter, and I love you so much. I hope you've appreciated the memorial that I've given you over the last two weeks and that, in some way, you've grown to love these people, just as much as I know they would have loved you.