Vivianna Week, The Finale: Introducing Vivianna to Her Family

I totally felt like I should have fireworks and presents and stuffed animals sent to every single person who wrote a post or commented for the last day of Vivianna Week. Or you know, have some clowns or something (Lor). But then I realized that the best way for me to finish out my memorial and tribute to my daughter is to do the one thing that I couldn't do right after I lost her.

Dear Vivianna,

I miss you.

There is a part of me, a very big part, that is so angry that you were taken away from me.

There is a part of me that still cries at the fact that you're not here, that I'm not taking care of you.

I think about the times that we will never have with each other and it makes me so sad.

I think about the people that I will never get a chance to introduce you too and I feel like crying.

Like this new family that I have, one that is loving and accepting. One that makes mistakes but then actually apologizes for them. They're a great bunch of people and I know they would have loved you.

You have an amazing grandfather, Aleks, who I know would have doted on you, as grandparents do. You would have been one of the smartest, most eloquent, most courageous little girls on the planet because he would have made sure that you knew how smart you were and he would have made sure that you knew that you could stand up for yourself because there are people who will stand up and support you.

You have two amazing grandmothers, Stephani and NJ, who I know would have spoiled you. You would always know that you were loved with them and they would have made sure that you were the prettiest, most well dressed little girl on the block. No one would have been able to tell you that you were ugly or that no one loved you, because with your two grandmothers, you would have known that it wasn't true.

You have an amazing older sister, Catrina, who I know would have loved you immensely. She would have made sure that you respected your elders, that you appreciated art and education, that you learned from the mistakes of others. She would make sure that you lived your truth and that you always knew that you were supported and loved. She would have made sure that you had fun, that you read, that you played sports and that you never followed anyone blindly, but that whoever you followed and whoever you put your faith in, that you had a good reason for doing so.

You have an amazing uncle, Damon. He's hilarious. Much like Justin, he would make sure that you appreciated good theater, you would be charismatic, full of life, full of passion and energy. He would make sure that you never took life too seriously, but that you always made sure to take care of yourself. The greatest thing about your uncle Damon, Vivianna, is the fact that in every humorous exchange with him, there's that kernel of unyielding truth there. You would always walk away smarter and happier.

You have the world's greatest aunts. Cherie, MJ, Heidi, Piper, Taylor, Xara, Katharina, Lucy/Kat, LC and Keesha. They would all make sure that you knew how powerful you are as a woman. They would teach you about standing up for yourself. About honor, integrity, truth. With your aunts I would never have had to worry about you being taken advantage of, because they would make sure that you knew your strengths, they would make sure that you knew how talented you were and that you never let anyone take you for granted. They would spoil you, yes, but they would never let you get too spoiled or bratty. They would make sure that you towed the line and were respectful of your elders, of others around you, and of yourself, because that's how they live their lives. They would make sure that you appreciated history, culture, that you acknowledged a higher power. You would be a force to be reckoned with and your aunts would always make sure you knew how special you were, how talented, how amazing (because they remind me all the time).

You also have three other uncles, Thorny (his husband Jazz would have loved you), Matty, and Brad. My darling girl, they would make sure that you didn't focus on the negative. That you always saw the sunshine and appreciated the roses. That you laughed. That you sought help when you needed it and gave help when it was needed. They would have loved you so hard and so fiercely. You would know that you could do anything that you set your mind to do and that as long as you have a family that supports you, nothing can stand in your way. They would always be concerned for you and would always make sure to put a smile on your face, even if it's just by being enthusiastic about a cover that you did (Matty and Brad).

You also have the world's most amazing great-aunts. Poppy, Embry, mc and Anne. They would love you hard and always encourage you. They would make sure to always acknowledge you when you spoke, they would support you, no matter what you tried to do, as long as it didn't hurt you or someone else. They would be concerned about your well-being. Make you laugh, laugh at your jokes, and make sure that they did all that they could to make you comfortable with being you. They would be in your corner, Vivianna, as long as it was a corner of your choosing.

You have the world's coolest cousins. They would have kept you on your toes, kept you in shape and made sure that you appreciated the Earth, the animals, the plants, that you would treat it well and that you would never take it for granted. The Nieceling probably would have tried to make you turn you into a vegetarian, but we wouldn't have let that happen unless you wanted it to. You would have a love for good games and good television and you wouldn't have been a Belieber (which makes your Daddy very happy).

And those who fill in the gaps of our family, Vivianna, they would make sure that your world and your life was complete. Lor, Aija, Sammy, Patty, Adara, Cleon, John, Thomas, Crystal, Kathryn, Maria, Amy, Kris, Sarah, CJ, Angel, Richard, Ryan, James, Mary, Gabrielle, TA, and Daniel. You would never want for humor, for support, for comfort, for wisdom, for unbelievable expression, for encouragement, for someone to be on your side, for someone to keep you moving forward, for love.

These are the people that make up our family, our world, my baby. These are the people that I wish that you could have gotten the chance to meet. Not to mention the countless others who weave in and out of my life to help me to grow and to better myself, you would have benefited from meeting them. And the ones who were here and have gone on before: your father Christopher, Justin, Valerie, Tabitha, Granny Mary, Mores, William Neale. Some amazing people to help shape you, to help you shine just a little bit brighter than you already do.

The things in this world that you never got a chance to experience are nothing compared to the people that you never got a chance to meet. How I wish that you could have gotten a chance to meet them. I know that you have, in a way only known to YHVH, met and seen them all and that you know all of these things, but not only do I wish that you would have had the chance to meet them, but I wish that they had had the chance to meet you. I am so sure that you would have been amazing, my darling. You would have changed the world. You would have discovered a cure, or brought peace, or made an amazing discovery, or created amazing music, or written the Great American novel, but whatever you did, you would have been amazing at it.

So I miss you my daughter, and I love you so much. I hope you've appreciated the memorial that I've given you over the last two weeks and that, in some way, you've grown to love these people, just as much as I know they would have loved you.



Love Always,

Daddy Vic

Vivianna Week, Day Twelve: My Daughters Catrina & Vivianna

Vivianna Week, Day Twelve: My Daughters Catrina & Vivianna

When I first decided to do a memorial for my daughter Vivianna, I wasn’t really expecting that one week tribute to turn into two. I’m glad that it did because over the past two weeks I have been able to see the different forms of love and family and it has filled me with such a joy that I know Vivianna was sufficiently honored. Losing Vivianna so shortly after losing Christopher, I never thought I would, nor did I ever want to, have any more children. The grief and the heartache was just too much. The hardest thing was the people that I expected to be there for me, family and friends alike, had disappeared into thin air. I had Angel, Justin and Ryan and they were very much my family, but that was it. Grief and death, sad moments, and moments of what my Granny Mary called “trial by fire” really helps you to see exactly who is in your corner as you fight the fight of life.

That next year, after having the doctor tell me that it seemed as if my body was not equipped to carry a child (now I can totally say “duh” to that), I went home to soak in the garden tub in my new home and cry over the fact that it was official. I was defective, flawed, my body rejected babies, contracting rather than expanding to allow the zygote to become a fetus and the fetus to become a baby to be born. I got a phone call from Sarah, a friend of mine at the time, and she told me about Catrina, a young lady who was 11 at the time, who needed a place to stay.

I won’t go into detail about why Catrina needed a place to stay, that’s not my story to tell, but Sarah said to me, “She really only needs a place for like two weeks maybe, but she needs you.” When I told Sarah yes and then told her about what the doctor said she told me that this was God at work. He was giving me a child after the doctor told me that I wouldn’t have one.

I knew Catrina through Sarah and had always been drawn to the young girl. I wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh (she sounds like a Chipmunk when she laughs and talks), and protect her, because you could look at Catrina and see that she had a heartbreaking story to tell.

Catrina came to stay with me and when two weeks turned into me getting guardianship of her (at 23), I got the chance to be a parent and she got the chance to have a real parent that loved her and took care of her, etc. It was, for us, the perfect set-up.

I learned about disciplining a child, the worry that comes when they’re not in your sight, I found out that I was the overprotective parent who looks at everyone who looks at my child as a suspect, until proven innocent. I also found out that I could be the fun parent. Catrina and I would spend hours listening to music as I taught her how to walk like a model. We would watch “Reba,” play games, color in coloring books together, watch movies, and I always, always did everything that I could to make her smile and laugh. We had two dogs for a while, when we still lived in our house, and she was so good about taking care of them.

I was proud as I watched her grades soar from B’s and C’s to straight A’s. I was happy as she went from only eating frozen chicken nuggets, to trying different kinds of food, to working out and staying healthy. I was ecstatic when I watched her go from a shy, introverted child to trying out for sports at school, getting involved in after school activities, making friends, painting, drawing, sketching (and boy is my baby talented), and getting involved in the community right alongside me.

Enlisting in the Army was one of the hardest things for me to do because I ended up having to return Catrina to her grandmother, since her grandmother wouldn’t sign over her parental rights to me. I cried that night when I had to say goodbye to my daughter and it felt like I was losing Vivianna all over again. Catrina and I kept in touch and to me, and to her and those who knew us at that time, she was still my child and I was still her parent.

So Vivianna Week has not only made me think of the child that I lost, but it makes me think of the child that I still have, even if it’s long distance. Catrina is smart and talented, my special ball of sunshine and being her parent is one of my proudest accomplishments. She doesn’t care that her dad is gay, she thinks I’m cool (though she thinks that her Aunties Cherie and MJ and her Grandpa Aleks are “freaking awesome”), and she has every faith in me that I will be successful and that I love her. She knows that I do and I know that love is returned. She remembers our time together fondly, as do I. She regularly brings up me singing her to sleep and reading bedtime stories to her and the day that I pretended to be in a musical, just to make her laugh (and let me tell you something, making up songs at the spur of the moment, is not easy at all). I remember those times as well, but I also remember taking care of her while she was sick. Buying her a tv as a reward for her good grades. Introducing her to my Granny Mary for the first time and watching the two of them connect and fall in love with each other (my Granny never stopped asking me about my sweet daughter). I remember the day that I had to return her and the tears that we both shared. I remember the day, a year and a half later when I had to go to the hospital with her, because she was pregnant and having pains and bleeding. I was scared and freaked out. Afraid that I would have to watch my child go through what I went through. I was ecstatic that she didn’t miscarry though I was grieved that I would become a grandparent so early and she would become a parent so young.

So while I lost Vivianna, I know that she would be happy to know that she has an older sister, Catrina, and a nephew named Hayden. I know that she would love them both and they would love her in return. It hurts that I lost her, but I’m almost positive that she led me to Catrina, who needed me more than she did and whom I needed just as much.

So, while tomorrow is the last day of Vivianna Week and I thank all of those who wrote posts, those who commented, those who wrote private emails to me letting me know that they were sorry that they couldn’t write a post but they still wanted to share a personal story with me and wanted to encourage me (mc-I’m talking about you), I say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of this gay man’s heart for your constant support and encouragement, for your love for your families, for the lessons that you taught, the memories that you shared. Thank you for helping me honor Vivianna, even if all you did was retweet a link or leave a comment. I appreciate you so very, very much. You have all become, in one way or another, family and close friends to me and it means more than I could ever put into words.

Thank you again.

Vicktor Aleksandr B