Wednesday, October 3, 2012

One Year Ago Today.....

I went to the home of my biological family and was exorcised because they'd found out that I was a transgender male and homosexual. My being born in the wrong body and being a gay man was not something they saw as being good and moral. I was instead an abomination, filled with the devil and needed to receive an exorcism.

Yeah, not cool.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while remember how much that rocked me, how I was in a state of shock for a while, for those of you who didn't, you can read the post here.

So today I must admit to being a little on edge. Slightly paranoid and needing a shit load of liquor and cigarettes just to keep my body from shaking out of its skin in fear. I'm not saying that I think my new family would do that to me. They say that they accept me as I am and regardless of the ups and downs I believe that they do, so that's not where the fear is coming from. The fear is coming from the fact I wouldn't put it past my biological family to show up and snatch me. They're not the devil incarnate but they are fanatical about their beliefs.

And yes, I know that's mostly the paranoia talking, but I also know that last year was horrible for me. The rest of the month was filled with ups and downs as well. Between the passing of my Granny, my friend Mores, being disowned, last October sucked ass.

And not in a good way.

So I'm a little fragile today, a little sensitive, made even more so because I can't actually see if there's any danger coming. So I'm being gentle with myself, trying not to stress myself out too much, not pressuring myself to do something that I'm just not up to doing.

And I'm keeping my back to the wall.

Just for safety's sake.

-Vicktor Aleksandr B


  1. Lots of hugs honey. I'm sorry you've been through so much pain - I wish I could make it go away. Look after yourself and remember that there are lots of people who care about you. Care about you without judging or wanting to impose peculiar ideals on you.
    You are a good man; there is nothing wrong with being gay, trans, an author of m/m fiction.
    Forgive me for wanting to knock some sense into your biological family - their views are so very broken!
    Take care and I hope today passes quietly and calmly. Best wishes & hugs.

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  3. Aw, I am sending big hugs your way. I know it has been a rough year. As always I am impressed with your strength. Hopefully this year things will be better. You know we are all rooting for you.

  4. I'm sending giant hugs too. You're a great and very special guy. *HUGS*

  5. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I actually had class yesterday so I wasn't given much time to think about what happened last year, but I so appreciated receiving your words. I'm hoping for a better year. I'm believing it will come.

  6. Last year was tough for you. I remember that post and I think at the time I wanted to rip those Biologicals a new one (Still would like to! Violence doesn't get me anywhere though. But oh how I'd like to.). Anyways here's something to think about. (I can't believe I just got inspired to write a bit of a long poem. Oh boy my mind is thinking rapidly.)

    "One day the good will out weigh the bad"

    One day, one month, one year
    It gets easier to breath as time goes on
    Two years, three years, four years
    It's lifting and the fear is going
    five years, six years, seven years
    It's all going to be okay
    eight years, nine years, ten years
    was it a dream that woke me or a memory of old
    I know I'm loved by many
    Each day, each month, each year
    Constants in my life that I need
    Life gets busy even when you remember the bad with the good
    Shifting my mind to the good is hard
    As the years go by perhaps I shall find
    That the good out weighs the bad
    Love is there although not always fair
    I have a family
    I have a life
    I have what I need the most
    Those I know say I'm a great writer
    They want to see more and more
    The books I write claim half my time
    I keep on writing even though some may say bad things
    It's the good reviews that count the most
    It's the people that love me and what I do and who I am that matter the most
    It may have taken so many years to find
    The perfect imperfect balance that I've needed for so long
    Let my mind rest easy
    As I think about the loved ones that hope for things to get better for me
    They have my back even when I am fearful
    They will always stick around even as One year becomes ten or forty
    My mind rests easier as the years go by today it's a year
    On down the road the years will become more
    One to two
    Two to three
    Three to four
    Four to five
    I count the days, I count the months, and I count the years
    Looking forward to when I can say
    "It's okay the good out weighs the bad. I love you guys and gals."
    Also looking forward to the day when I can think and say
    "Yes, I really believe I am amazing, loving, caring, good, and fabulous!"

    These are my hopes for you. This is what I hope can happen one day for you. The good out weighing all the bad. I love you Big Brother. I loved you last year and I love you still and in the years to come I will continue loving the brother I have come to care so very much for. There is no greater gift that you can give to anyone except being yourself and believing in who you are. Also being proud as well. So I'm going to go run and hide the dust bunnies and onions are out full force. Love you!!


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