Vivianna Week, Day Ten: Claudia Jardine

Today's post for Vivianna Week (Part Two) is written by Claudia "CJ" Jardine. CJ has always been super supportive of me when it comes to my transitioning, my writing, my attempts to save the world, and my future. In the case of me remembering my daughter, her support was no different. And when I asked her to write a post, with the option of saying no if she wanted to (I always tell people that they can tell me no. I'm all about the freedom to choose), I was honored when she said yes. So enjoy CJ's post about her take on children of the heart and children of the womb.

When Vic asked me to write a post for Vivianna Week I was very surprised and extremely humbled. And nervous. It took me a while to say yes. But that's because I don't often talk about the loss of my child. I was 20 when I miscarried. Looking back now, I can clearly see how it truly was for the best. But back then...

I met him Oct, 1990 through a mutual friend. He was near my height, blond and blue eyed. He had a bit of bad boy about him. Didn't realize till later that it was more than a bit. We dated for a few weeks, my mother totally disapproved of him, which of course, made me want him more. I got pregnant sometime in early Dec but didn't know till after we broke up in Jan. Even with that sadness I was excited and happy. And then 4 weeks later the pregnancy was over. In the meantime, drama with the ex, my family and a soon to be former friend all came to a head. I was stressed out, depressed and trying to hold on to something that wasn't there. I knew I lost the baby before it was confirmed, but I so desperately wanted to be pregnant that I denied it. Especially when it seemed like everyone was coming up pregnant and staying pregnant! Because my friends were caught up in their pregnancies, no one seemed to mourn my loss. To me it seemed because my pregnancy didn't go past the first trimester, people didn't think it mattered. Or that it wasn't official. So I had no one to turn too. No one to grieve with me. I never turned to alcohol or drugs. I just turned inward and lost myself to depression for that entire year. I came back in bits and pieces. I played piano for about 12 years and taught for 2 by then, but I think I played more that year than I had ever played before or since. It was my outlet and my balm. It wasn't until the birth of my god-daughter the following year that I finally felt whole. Kayla has brought me so much love and joy! She may not be the child of my womb, but she def is the child of my heart.

Today, I don't have any children of my own. There are enough people running around loving me and calling me Aunt CJ to fill whatever void may be there. And that's quite all right with me!
CJ