My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I know that I'm 28 and really I shouldn't be writing you a Christmas list, but seeing as how I stopped writing you when I was 4, I figure I'm due a few letters.

My list isn't long or the items on it too difficult to get, but if you could get them all here by Christmas Day, I'd appreciate it, especially since I celebrate Hanukkah as well and I'm giving you five extra days to get this stuff together.

1. I'd really like a Kindle Fire. And yes, I know that my other Kindle "mysteriously broke." But I promise to take better care of this one.

2. I'd really love to spend Christmas with Daniel, so if you could get him here or me there, that would be awesome.

3. I want the biologicals to have a good Christmas. They may be sucky to me, but they still deserve a happy Christmas.

4. I want my biological little brother to be able to come home for Christmas or to see his son for Christmas. It'd be great if you could give him both.

5. I want Cherie and the Nieceling to have an awesome Christmas. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me, but if you could give them an awesome Christmas that would rock.

6. I want everyone in my new family to have an amazing Christmas. Filled with love and good food, and laughter and joy and singing. They are some of the greatest people I know and they only deserve great things.

7. I'd really love it if you could help all of the homeless teens out there find a way to a shelter so that they can eat and maybe even find a place to sleep.

8. Is it wrong that I want Rick Perry and the transphobic doctor to get boils on their ass? It is isn't it. So I'll use this number to instead ask for justice around the world and that maybe for one day, people will love instead of hate, be compassionate instead of judgmental and not stick their collective foot in their idiotic mouth.

9. Will you please let it snow here in Buffalo. I've been signing "White Christmas" since I was a kid, I'd love it if I could have it.

10. As you know, the ex-boyfriend burned and ruined all of my "tools and toys." So if you could give me back a black duffle filled with all of the BDSM, strap-ons, binders, packers, shoes, condoms, clothes and lube that he destroyed, that would be awesome.

11. And finally, I'd love it if you could help me stop waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I know I'm surrounded by love and support but I keep waiting for it to all be snatched away, maybe you can give me a sign that I am truly loved and no one's going to let the fact that I'm black, transgender, not the most gorgeous thing in the world, gay, and a sometimes practicing Messianic Jew, stop them from loving me. I think giving me one of the items on this list would be a very good start.

Thank you so much Santa. And next year, I promise my list will only have 3 items on there.

Okay, maybe 4.

Sincerely,

Vicktor Aleksandr B

"Has He Seen You?"

I love well-meaning people sometimes.

Sometimes they make you think about something that you never considered before.

A well-meaning person asked me if I was transgender.

A well-meaning person asked me if I was a Dom.

A well-meaning person asked me if I needed to move away from Florida.

A well-meaning person asked me if I wanted to sing more than I wanted to act.

A well-meaning person told me that I should make writing my career.

A well-meaning person told me that I should follow my instincts and my feelings and pursue Daniel.


Sometimes they make you want to either cause yourself physical harm...or them.

A "well-meaning" person got on a thread in a group and grilled and interrogated me in an effort to "understand" and then didn't care that I was so hurt and traumatized I lay around in a daze for two weeks following that.

A "well-meaning" person contacted the biologicals to tell them who I was living with when I was still in Florida and that lead to my "exorcism."

A "well-meaning" person called to tell me about what my biologicals was doing with my stuff and my puppy, even though they knew I'd just gotten out of the hospital for costochondritis and didn't need to be stressed.

A "well-meaning" person said that at this "point" in my life that Daniel was too good for me and that I should let him find someone else.

A "well-meaning" person slandered and insulted a family (new family) member of mine, to my "face" (it online) and tried to tell me that they were doing it for my "own good."

But here's the clencher:

A friend of mine, R, that I've known since freshman year of high school asked me if I was sure that Daniel had seen a picture of me and if I was positive that Daniel knew I was trans*, because while he wasn't "saying" that I was "ugly", he was saying that I "look like a chick" and "isn't Daniel gay?"

I don't know if it's because I was tired and when I'm tired I always tend to be a little more sensitive in certain areas, I don't know if it's because I've always been a little "touchy" about my looks, or if it's the fact that when it comes to being with a gay man when I'm transitioning is already something I'm so emotionally exposed about, but when R said this, I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach. So much so that I for a moment started to think that maybe he was right.

Only for a moment, because just like that I remembered conversations, tweets, blog posts, candid, private IMs where Daniel and I talked about everything.

And while I'm not 100% right now, I'm not the 10% mass of insecurity I was just over two hours ago.

So when it comes to well-meaning people, take their advice and their statements with one hand on your shield to deflect the bullshit and one hand ready to receive the good stuff.

Then you won't have to spend 2 hours on Youtube watching videos of Lucas Teague to cheer you up when you could be sleeping.


-Vicktor Aleksandr