My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I know that I'm 28 and really I shouldn't be writing you a Christmas list, but seeing as how I stopped writing you when I was 4, I figure I'm due a few letters.

My list isn't long or the items on it too difficult to get, but if you could get them all here by Christmas Day, I'd appreciate it, especially since I celebrate Hanukkah as well and I'm giving you five extra days to get this stuff together.

1. I'd really like a Kindle Fire. And yes, I know that my other Kindle "mysteriously broke." But I promise to take better care of this one.

2. I'd really love to spend Christmas with Daniel, so if you could get him here or me there, that would be awesome.

3. I want the biologicals to have a good Christmas. They may be sucky to me, but they still deserve a happy Christmas.

4. I want my biological little brother to be able to come home for Christmas or to see his son for Christmas. It'd be great if you could give him both.

5. I want Cherie and the Nieceling to have an awesome Christmas. I could never thank them enough for what they did for me, but if you could give them an awesome Christmas that would rock.

6. I want everyone in my new family to have an amazing Christmas. Filled with love and good food, and laughter and joy and singing. They are some of the greatest people I know and they only deserve great things.

7. I'd really love it if you could help all of the homeless teens out there find a way to a shelter so that they can eat and maybe even find a place to sleep.

8. Is it wrong that I want Rick Perry and the transphobic doctor to get boils on their ass? It is isn't it. So I'll use this number to instead ask for justice around the world and that maybe for one day, people will love instead of hate, be compassionate instead of judgmental and not stick their collective foot in their idiotic mouth.

9. Will you please let it snow here in Buffalo. I've been signing "White Christmas" since I was a kid, I'd love it if I could have it.

10. As you know, the ex-boyfriend burned and ruined all of my "tools and toys." So if you could give me back a black duffle filled with all of the BDSM, strap-ons, binders, packers, shoes, condoms, clothes and lube that he destroyed, that would be awesome.

11. And finally, I'd love it if you could help me stop waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I know I'm surrounded by love and support but I keep waiting for it to all be snatched away, maybe you can give me a sign that I am truly loved and no one's going to let the fact that I'm black, transgender, not the most gorgeous thing in the world, gay, and a sometimes practicing Messianic Jew, stop them from loving me. I think giving me one of the items on this list would be a very good start.

Thank you so much Santa. And next year, I promise my list will only have 3 items on there.

Okay, maybe 4.

Sincerely,

Vicktor Aleksandr B

Dating My Policeman is Bittersweet (a.k.a. A Perfectly Imperfect Couple)

So I was told that I never told you guys what Jack did for a living.  My bad.  I thought I had.

Jack is a police officer.

Yes, I know.  I pinch myself on a daily basis to make sure I'm not dreaming this all up as well.  But we've actually got a lot of really hot police officers here in Florida and according to Jack not all of them are "completely straight."  Whatever that means.

Anyway, I have dated a sergeant in the Army, a manager of Mcdonald's, a professor, a few college students, a financial manager of Amscot....not all of the relationships were great, some of them really sucked, but there you have it.

Dating a police officer is...different.

For the most part I know that Jack is going to be okay, he doesn't work the overnight shifts a lot but every so often I will be asleep in bed and hear sirens and wake up suddenly and reach for him to make sure that he's in the bed with me.  He always laughs when I do this and pulls me to him a little tighter.  It makes me feel better but in the morning when he goes off on duty it makes me sad and as the days pass I get more and more sad.  Not because being with him is horrible, but because it's so amazing.

I love to see Jack come home in his uniform and I must admit that I've had a number of mental erections over that whole uniform covering his wide chest and his firm ass and of course JJ who is like my second favorite person in the world (Jack Jr.-he has a mind of his own I tell you what).  If I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in the front door I put the computer to the side (because it's always on my lap) and I turn with my head up for a kiss.  He tells me I'm silly, kisses me and then goes to change.  If I'm in the bedroom, I usually just "assume the position."  But every day we seem to burrow more and more into this domestic scene, becoming more and more of a couple, referring to ourselves as "we" and "us" and "Vac" or "Jic" (yeah, guess who came up with those names?), making plans for trips to Italy and Australia and Boston and New York and Brazil, both of us knowing that they will never happen.  We lay around and fantasize about a future that we know we will never have.

And it's not just because Jack's job is so dangerous.

We're always aware that cops get shot in broad daylight, especially here in Florida, especially here lately.  We're aware of hostage situations, stand-offs, meth labs, drug busts gone wrong, car accidents, and criminals who will do anything to not go to jail or return to prison.  We know that but we still laugh and fantasize and settle into domestic bliss, neither of us wanting to borrow trouble.

But that's not what makes it bittersweet.

It's knowing that our relationship had a date of expiration.  We don't like to focus on it, we actually try to ignore that it's there but a simple conversation about us possibly moving in together (since I'm pretty much living here now anyway) turned into a few deeper conversations and us finding out that there were a few things that neither of us were willing to compromise on.  Things that put a timestamp on our relationship things that let us know that while we seem so...well...perfect for each other, we weren't meant to be together.

And that makes dating him bittersweet.  Neither of us is ready to let go.  Neither of us is ready to say goodbye to the other.  So we're both holding on to this relationship that is guaranteed to end at the end of the year.  Both of us growing more attached to the other.  Both of us falling more and more in...like with each other (you can't make me say the other word no matter how hard you try *sticks out tongue*).

And while I'm looking forward to my trip to New Orleans for GRL in two weeks, and my trip to Tennessee to spend Thanksgiving with my "family of the heart" from California, and then my trip to New York for Christmas, I want to cancel them all because they just take me away from Jack.  And then I want to call his job and tell them that he quits so that he can sit around all day with me and maybe we can figure out a way to make the impossible possible or barring that so I can torture myself and fall just a little more in like with him.


ETA: So Jack wants me to tell you all why we know.  It's more than just the fact that I need to move.  Every day that I'm here in Florida, I feel like I'm suffocating and like my spirit is being crushed.  I have always been aware of when it's time to move on and I should have left a while ago, I really never should have left California, but I did.  But again, that's not the only reason.  You all know how much I want to have kids and so does Jackson, but Jack doesn't want to have kids...ever.  For both of us it's an issue that neither of us will compromise on.  He doesn't want children, he says that he never will and that's something that I want desperately...almost as much as I want my "manjunk."  LOL.  So while we want to be together, unfortunately, it's not enough.  Jack wanted you all to know so that you didn't try to give me the whole "But VeeVee you can stay" talk.  I already had that talk once and it's just a little too hard right now, to have it again.
But don't worry until we have to say goodbye, we will be lighting up the sheets.  And yes, that is a term.  *Rolls eyes* You guys!  LOL.