Being blind presents its own challenges. Not feeling as independent as before, feeling helpless, feeling like a burden. I could feel myself sinking down into depression. I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, nothing. I didn't want to eat, I wanted to waste away into nothing because I felt like I was nothing.
The disappointment I felt every morning, waking up and realizing that I was still blind oftentimes made my whole outlook for the day dreary and yeah, I felt myself getting angry and annoyed by sighted people. Especially sighted people who tried to tell me that they "understood" how I felt or the ones who ignored it completely. I hated feeling that way and so I didn't express it. I shoved the anger, the annoyance, the anxiety and the stress as far down as I could and put on a happy smile for everyone.
"Gotta see the bright side."
"I can totally use this to feel up hot guys."
And for the most part, I did feel that way, and I do still feel that way, but the nightmares started happening. People stealing money from me, people I trust, who in my dreams were not as trustworthy as I thought. Being kidnapped. Being attacked, raped, brutalized. All of these things happened in my dream. Why? Because I couldn't see. I can't watch my bank accounts like I want to everyday. I can't sit with my back to the wall and watch a room to make sure there's no danger coming. I can't keep my eyes constantly looking around for shady characters. I can't protect my sisters, the Nieceling, or Chipmunk because I can't see.
So the paranoia that had been dying embers for a long time began to heat up and spark, catching flame until I didn't want to leave the house because how could I be sure that no one wasn't out there to kill me, hurt me, attack me?
I talked to my blind counselors Megan and Kelly, I talked to Cherie, I talked to my friend Keesha, but more than that I found a few groups online that I could share all of this with.
I hate feeling paranoid, anxious and as if I'm either going to have an anxiety or a panic attack at any given moment. I hate feeling like I can't trust people that I just started to trust and I hate feeling like there is evil, and darkness darker than the one I already live in day-to-day.
So I was happy to find one group in where everyone there explained that what I was feeling wasn't wrong, it was normal and that if I needed something to help with the anxiety until everything is settled down that there was no shame in that. I'd been told that by Cherie and Megan and Kelly but, wrong as it is, I believed it when I heard it come from others who are blind, just like me. I breathed a sigh of relief today and yes, the anxiousness, the anxiety, the slight paranoia is still there, but now I know that I'm not a bad person because I feel this way. I don't cut myself slack, I try too hard to be everyone's perfect something. And then I get overwhelmed and I just want to disappear. Those are two extremes and I'm learning how to find middle ground.
Tomorrow I go in for more testing and I'm going to see Brandi, my therapist. I'm hoping that they can find out what's going on with me and why I lost my sight, but even if they don't, I'm starting to accept the new path and direction that my life is taking. It sucks, good lord, does it suck and in those light night hours I ask YHVH how much more can I take before I break and each time I remember my book: Broken, But Not Destroyed and I realize that I'm not destroyed and I won't be destroyed no matter how much more gets thrown at me.
Yes, I'm blind and physically I'm not 100%. Yes, I'm single, and my daughter (Chipmunk) lives in Florida. Yes, I've had "family" members, biologicals, and "friends" hurt and betray me. But I'm still here. I'm still surviving and living and I'm still pushing forward and determined to make it. Failure and quitting aren't options for me, not at all.. So I accept my current situation, and I accept that in the end I will overcome it and survive.
-Sigh- Let's just hope I remember this post the next time I feel like the walls are closing in on me.
-Vicktor Aleksandr B