We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hey everyone I know that it's been a while since I've blogged, but I must admit that I've been trying to deal with the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that's been trying to strangle me. Not just because of my blindness but in how those around me have been handling it. It's hard to go from being completely independent and helping others to being dependent on others and having to ask for help. For me it's not just a change but it's a pride thing. I never knew exactly how prideful and untrusting I was until all of this went down.
I barely trusted myself so trusting others was an exercise in futility.
I spent days trying to figure out why YHVH would have me endure something like this. I struggled with the whole: I'm being punished because I'm transgender, because I'm gay, because I'm not living a life of holiness like I'd always been taught to, because I'm black...
Because I'm me.
And I don't like to whine and I especially don't like talking to people who I feel either don't listen, don't know me, who are going through their own shit, or who I feel resent me for some reason. Like I said, I have been struggling with this whole trust thing for a while, so I can count on one hand the number of people that I feel like I can call or talk to, no matter what time it is, and say:
I hate being blind. I'm fighting so hard against depression and anger. I'm trying hard not to be suspicious of everyone and trying hard not to be paranoid about everything. I can't look out for danger and attacks any more, I can't look at people's faces to see when they're annoyed by me, when they want to talk about me, when they're angry and it makes me not want to talk to anyone at all. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. I feel helpless. I feel lost.
And this isn't everyday, it's sporadic. There's no pattern, no rhyme or reason to the days that it happens. I was so out of it and focused on the whole me being blind that I didn't write a blog post or say anything about the fact that July 27th was the 6th year anniversary of the day that Christopher passed away or the fact that August 8th was when I lost Vivianna. I feel like my life and the days are passing me by and I'm stuck in quicksand and goop and unable to pull myself out of it.
It's frustrating and annoying and hell if I feel like I can actually tell someone that I feel like that and not feel as if I'm going to be chastised or demeaned or whatever. And I'm not saying that they will, I'm saying that this is the litany that chases through my mind whenever I think about calling my friend Keesha or one of my older sisters or my older brother or sending an email to my dad or one of my moms. I've pushed back my own feeling and emotions, much like I did when Christopher passed, by telling myself that there are people much worse off than me. I remind myself of that daily, that it could be so much worse. I could have AIDS or cancer or be dead. I tell myself that I can't be sad or angry or be suffering from depression because it's really not that bad.
But that makes those moments of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anger, sadness and depression so much worse, so much stronger and so much deeper. And it's made me want to just stop... everything. Stop writing, stop being in a family, stop being a father, stop being a friend, stop being a son, stop being a brother or an uncle... just... stop.
Those are the times, every single time, when I hear my Granny's voice:
|Me and My Granny, back when they mistakenly put me in dresses, notice how unhappy I am.|
And I remember to hope. And I think of every hope quote that I have ever heard or read and it helps that tide to recede and it helps me get my head above water and breathe and keep going forward, keep pushing, keep surviving for another day.
Hope does that. Not love, support, encouragement, though they work with hope to do those things, but hope, for me, is the foundation upon which love, support and encouragement are built on.
Hope helps me to believe that people can change, that people will change. Hope keeps me from giving up on people without giving them another chance. Hope helps me to speak my mind when I need to, to stand up against injustice, to work on the charities that I've always wanted to have.
Hope keeps me living.
And that, I think, is a very good thing.
-Vicktor Aleksandr B
No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.