We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hey everyone I know that it's been a while since I've blogged, but I must admit that I've been trying to deal with the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that's been trying to strangle me. Not just because of my blindness but in how those around me have been handling it. It's hard to go from being completely independent and helping others to being dependent on others and having to ask for help. For me it's not just a change but it's a pride thing. I never knew exactly how prideful and untrusting I was until all of this went down.
I barely trusted myself so trusting others was an exercise in futility.
I spent days trying to figure out why YHVH would have me endure something like this. I struggled with the whole: I'm being punished because I'm transgender, because I'm gay, because I'm not living a life of holiness like I'd always been taught to, because I'm black...
Because I'm me.
And I don't like to whine and I especially don't like talking to people who I feel either don't listen, don't know me, who are going through their own shit, or who I feel resent me for some reason. Like I said, I have been struggling with this whole trust thing for a while, so I can count on one hand the number of people that I feel like I can call or talk to, no matter what time it is, and say:
I hate being blind. I'm fighting so hard against depression and anger. I'm trying hard not to be suspicious of everyone and trying hard not to be paranoid about everything. I can't look out for danger and attacks any more, I can't look at people's faces to see when they're annoyed by me, when they want to talk about me, when they're angry and it makes me not want to talk to anyone at all. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. I feel helpless. I feel lost.
I feel...
And this isn't everyday, it's sporadic. There's no pattern, no rhyme or reason to the days that it happens. I was so out of it and focused on the whole me being blind that I didn't write a blog post or say anything about the fact that July 27th was the 6th year anniversary of the day that Christopher passed away or the fact that August 8th was when I lost Vivianna. I feel like my life and the days are passing me by and I'm stuck in quicksand and goop and unable to pull myself out of it.
It's frustrating and annoying and hell if I feel like I can actually tell someone that I feel like that and not feel as if I'm going to be chastised or demeaned or whatever. And I'm not saying that they will, I'm saying that this is the litany that chases through my mind whenever I think about calling my friend Keesha or one of my older sisters or my older brother or sending an email to my dad or one of my moms. I've pushed back my own feeling and emotions, much like I did when Christopher passed, by telling myself that there are people much worse off than me. I remind myself of that daily, that it could be so much worse. I could have AIDS or cancer or be dead. I tell myself that I can't be sad or angry or be suffering from depression because it's really not that bad.
But that makes those moments of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anger, sadness and depression so much worse, so much stronger and so much deeper. And it's made me want to just stop... everything. Stop writing, stop being in a family, stop being a father, stop being a friend, stop being a son, stop being a brother or an uncle... just... stop.
Those are the times, every single time, when I hear my Granny's voice:
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| Me and My Granny, back when they mistakenly put me in dresses, notice how unhappy I am. |
And I remember to hope. And I think of every hope quote that I have ever heard or read and it helps that tide to recede and it helps me get my head above water and breathe and keep going forward, keep pushing, keep surviving for another day.
Hope does that. Not love, support, encouragement, though they work with hope to do those things, but hope, for me, is the foundation upon which love, support and encouragement are built on.
Hope helps me to believe that people can change, that people will change. Hope keeps me from giving up on people without giving them another chance. Hope helps me to speak my mind when I need to, to stand up against injustice, to work on the charities that I've always wanted to have.
Hope keeps me living.
And that, I think, is a very good thing.
-Vicktor Aleksandr B
No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.
George Chakiris
Vic, darling, you've been through a lot in a very short time. Yes, hope will keep you going, and yes, you'll go through dark patches. I'm not talking about your blindness, because even blind, you'll see "light", hopefully more than just occasionally.
ReplyDeleteYou're such a bright person, such a positive man, and that will pull you through eventually.
Hang in there honey - a lot has happened and it's understandable, and reasonable, for you to feel down and depressed. We all love you and want to help - maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. But I'm hoping it does. Take care - big hugs
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I've drifted away from blog reading in the last months, and I hadn't heard. I'm sorry you're going through this. Disability isn't a blessing (and I've never wanted to smack someone so bad in my life as when my well-meaning but clueless brother said that to me), but it's not a punishment, either. It just... is. All those emotions you described? It's what you go through when life drops something like this on you. Don't stuff it down. It'll just fester. You are learning a whole new way to move through the world. Of course you're feeling distrustful. If you can't count on your own body, how can you count on other people? Especially when you've had so many people in your life prove that they aren't trustworthy in the first place. And don't get caught up in the whole "who has it worse" thing. It's a fool's game. No matter what, there's *always* someone, somewhere who has it worse. Doesn't mean your own problems aren't difficult and painful. Doesn't mean you don't deserve love and support.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that has saved my bacon is finding others who are going through their own shit and understand. The internet is an absolute miracle for this. I have people in my daily life who are willing to listen, but sometimes the only people I can say it all to are the ones who have been there themselves. If you don't feel safe with friends or family or talking about it here, find a group and let it all out. It really, really helps. My groups are all autoimmune related, but they wouldn't turn you away. If you're having trouble finding a group more specific to your problems, or if you just want to jump in somewhere, I'd be happy to make some suggestions of where to find support. Some of the most loving, compassionate people I've ever known are neck deep in their own health problems, but somehow there's always someone there when you need them.
~Hugs you tightly and kisses your cheek~
ReplyDeleteBro, you are much, much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this and those of us, like myself are honored to have been able to get to know you and I for one enjoy the words of encouragement you've graced me with when I needed it most. Which has been often these days. So I'm going to turn the tables for a brief moment and these are my words of hope back at yeah: I will always be here for you for as long as I am able. As a fellow friend, Brother or however you wish to view it, I will always have you in my thoughts and wishing upon all wishes the best for you possible. Your friends and those of us who really care will help you get through your rough times and struggles. You may be a little blind, but we're not. Just reach out and I know I'll reach back to grab your hand and bring you out of the darkness and into the light. Love yeah, Kiddo!
ReplyDeleteI tried to think up something I hoped would sound encouraging and uplifting, but I gotta be honest and admit I got nothing, so *glomp*
ReplyDelete