Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Wanting to Quit: Weathering the Storms of Life

Not sure if any of you have noticed, but I have not been around for quite some time. That is because I have gone blind.  We still don’t know why, though we have some ideas, but that is not why I am using my speech recognition and narrator software to write to you today. I am blogging today because I want to tell you all about the days that I almost gave up. I wanted to give up writing, being online and do nothing but lay around all day and bemoan the loss of my eyesight and the loss of my faith in certain people.
Really, that’s the reason behind this post: loss. Back in February the pain that I’d been experiencing in my back and hip, from being injured in the Army, got worse and were only surpassed by the dizziness and pressure that I experienced in my head every day. When that dizziness and pressure turned into words no longer making sense to me—leading me to feel like I was becoming stupid—I knew that something was definitely wrong. The first time I lost my vision it was only for five minutes and it was more everything went completely white. I stopped in my tracks and immediately sat down, putting my head down and blinking rapidly, hoping against hope that it would pass.
It did.
I called the nurse manager for my former primary care doctor and left a message on her voicemail detailing that the symptoms were getting worse and I needed her to contact me.
That was about two months ago.
When blurriness and flashes of white turned into melted colors and finally to the morning when I woke up and was completely blind for two hours I prayed. I prayed to YHVH and I prayed to Jesus. I cried for my Granny to help me and desperately wanted to talk to one of my parents. I even considered calling my biological mother. I thought I was being cursed, punished for being transgender and gay. I thought it was because of my penchant for standing up against bullies, perhaps because I’d just had an extremely stressful time online only months ago.
I was grasping at straws.
When my sight returned I told my sister, Cherie, and we began stepping up trying to me in to see the doctor. Weeks passed and my periods of blindness extended, each instance becoming longer with less periods of blurriness or clear sight.
Then two and a half weeks ago I woke up and was totally blind. My sight hasn’t returned at all.
I’m not ashamed to say that I’m scared.
I’m absolutely, totally and completely scared shitless.
I have moments where I want to curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out, ask God what I’ve done wrong to deserve this treatment. I have moments where I want to throw shit around the room and destroy everything around me. I want to push everyone away, scared that this “curse” is going to spread and contaminate them as well. At the same time I want to gather all of my family and friends around me and be surrounded by support and encouragement.
I feel confused and scarttered and not just because of the fact that words don’t make sense to me all of the time.
Writing is harder than it’s ever been before and I’ve only recently realized that I can actually send emails and things, although I’m never sure if things are spelled correctly unless someone tells me. My narrator can read emails to me, in her monotone voice, and read the immediate screen to me so I know what my next action should be. I am back to writing, which makes me happy, but at the same time I recognize much more than ever before the people, the friends, the “family” who are no longer around.
I realize that my life can be filled with drama and very soap opera-esque. I realize that can be hard for some people to take… and because I have so much going on I don’t need people who are leaves in my life, who when the wind blows hard they disappear. I had some who as soon as something bad happened they disappeared. I Don’t need people who are like butter and as soon as the heat turns up they melt. I need solid people especially as I walk through this unknown terrain of being blind and not exactly knowing the cause of it all.
A lot of different guesses and opinions have been thrown around, everything from MS (multiple sclerosis) to stress to testosterone overdose—which is very unlikely as my T-shots have been monitored from day one—to diabetes. No one knows exactly, but everyone knows that support is needed, not just for me but for the people whose lives are being affected right now: Cherie, the Neiceling, and Chipmunk to name a few.
So to those of you who have been sending emails and tweets and Facebook messages and comments to me, my assistant Cinders, Lor or Cherie, even those of you who have been showing support to Chipmunk, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. Now that I know I can use my speech recognition and narrator I will try to be online more than before, but until my sight returns or my accommodations improve, it won’t be completely like before. Thank you, in advance, for understanding supporting and encouraging me, it is greatly appreciated.

Vicktor Aleksandr B
Vicktor Alexander


  1. Big hugs honey. I'd mostly e-mailed Cherie - I wasn't sure how you were doing and I didn't want to intrude if you needed space. But even then I've not sent many mails - again it's the not wanting to intrude, not wanting to add extra pressure.
    I really do hope this all gets sorted and your sight comes back, the headaches ease, everything. But please don't believe it's a punishment - you have done nothing wrong; you're one of the nicest, sweetest men I've known.
    I'm glad you've got the voice recognition software and are writing again :)
    Take care - best wishes to all of you.
    Love & hugs, Sarah

  2. You inspire me, Vic!
    Glad you have the voice recognition software and are thus able to keep on writing.
    I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
    Stay strong!


  3. Oh my goodness, I had no idea! I can only imagine what you must be thinking and feeling, but here's hoping you at least get some answers, even if they don't make everything better.

    All my love, Vic - don't ever give up, and get better soon!

  4. HUGE BIG TIGHT HUGS Vic!! As hard as it is please don't every feel that you are being punished for anything! You truly are an inspiration to those around you. You have overcome so much in your life already and's just antoher one of those bumps in the road but I have no doubt you will continue to do great things in your life including your writing! You are so much stronger than you think hun and you have more courage than you realize. Lots of love and support for you!!

  5. Oh, I am so sorry to hear how bad things have gotten. I am sure it is truly terrifying to go through, especially since no one can tell you what is going on. I am constantly impressed by how strong you are in so many ways. Most people would have given up long ago and for much less reason. You are awesome and I am sending you all my best healing thoughts. PLEASE let us know if there is anything we can do for you!

  6. Hi I'm a huge fan but think this is the 1st time I've commented and I want to apologise for that. I should have spoken up sooner to thank you for not only all the pleasure I've got from reading your books but also the little peeks into you life that you let us all have. So thank you for sharing yourself so generously and I hope you come thru these difficult days as quickly and painlessly as possible

  7. I haven't been around and I was hoping above hope to get to talk to you when I could. ~Hugs you tight~

  8. Thank you all for your comments. It means so much to me, to receive support from people as I go through this very difficult time in my life. As you all know I have no qualms about sharing my life, my struggles, and my triumphs with all of you. It is very comforting to know that people not only appreciate my willingness to share my life, my heart break, and oh yes, the drama that is my life, but that they are touched by it. I am adapting to the new path that my life has started to travel down. Having people on my side, in my corner, supporting me, and commenting when I do actually write a blog post goes a long way towards making me feel like I'm not so broken. So thank you again for commenting and as always thank you for your support.

  9. Good to see you have the speech thingy to communicate. I know you probably think I'm not thinking of you because I've been pretty silent lately, but that's the farthest from the truth. I didn't want to bug you or interrupt hospital appointments or wake you if you were sleeping. I'm always so certain that I'll just be interrupting so I keep my mouth shut. Plus, I had my own problems to deal with and finally got a few stressful things taken care of. Hooray. But you're in my thoughts every day bestie and maybe it's time for me to suck it up and give you a call. My silence never means I've abandoned you.

  10. I'm so sorry to hear this. I knew there had been problems from your posts before you were gone but I was so hoping you were finally getting help. I will keep you in my thought. (((hugs))) dear one. You are stronger than you know and a wonderful example in all you do.


  11. I'd contacted Cherie as well, not wanting to bother you after the hospital since I figured you'd be resting. I came to your FB wall today to see if you'd been around yet. I'm so shocked to hear this has happened and scared for you. I am hoping so hard they find out what's wrong and that there's help possible. Please know I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. No matter what, I believe you are a strong man who can overcome whatever life throws at you!

  12. You are so amazing and brave. I can't wait to see you at GRL so I can give you a big hug. Keep fighting.

  13. Just because I like butter doesn't make me melty does it? Cause you know the saying you are what you eat?

    Anywhoop. I shall call tomorrow and check in... or is it later today? Stupid time zones and shit! Bloody hell I'm calling Thursday! Okay? Okay.

    I shall go and try to figure out the annoying son of a bitch that is time zones. And my plot. Damn plot... Is it necessary? I mean truly? Can't we just toss some hot dudes together and let them fuck each other senseless? People would buy that right?

    Okay. I'm shutting up now.


  14. I didn't realize till this week that I hadn't seen your tweets on FB for awhile. I apologize for that. I'm so sorry you're going through this! And I'm praying that you get the right answers as to what the hell is going on! Keep fighting Vic!! Don't let this take you down!!

  15. I'm so sorry that you have lost your sight. It sucks. There isn't anything I can say to make it better. I hop the doctors can figure something out. No one deserves this. Hugs


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