Friday, March 30, 2012

Daddy, When Will I Become A Man?

(Now I can speak. I've processed and thought this out over and over again and when I'd finished, I said what I had to say to certain people and then I processed some more. When I was done with that I started writing this letter to my dad, Aleksandr, because he understands. He fights this fight with me. He understands me being triggered and when it's all said and done, he's the one that my mind and heart instantly turns to when I am seeking answers, reassurance and strength.)

Dear Dad,

I thought that the day I came out was the hardest day of my life. My palms were sweaty, my heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was glad when the words were finally out. I had spoken my truth, embraced it with both of my sweaty hands and I foolishly thought that the worse was over. I wasn't a young transgender boy coming out, not only as transgender, but gay as well, in high school. I wasn't even coming out in college. I'm an adult, thought I don't always act my age, I am an adult, bullies were a thing of my past...or so I thought.

I wasn't ready for the new kind of bullying. The kind that adults do. When they hug you and stab you in the back at the same time, pushing the knife deeper. The type of bullying where they say they support you, but then qualify their statement to exclude you, with an army of supporters behind them. I wasn't ready for the "well-meaning" bullies who tell you that you just have body image issues. I wasn't ready for the bullies who tell you to "get over it already" or tell you that you're just being "overly sensitive."

Why didn't anyone tell me Dad?

Why didn't they warn me that every day I'd be faced with someone calling me the wrong gender? Someone telling me that I was too pretty to transition? Someone telling me that I'm going to hell? Someone telling me that I don't exist?

Why wasn't I prepared for the moments, everyday, when my mind says that the pain is too hard, the bullying and the phobia too much, and I should just give up? Why wasn't I prepared for the blogs, the tweets, the articles, the pictures that would so disparage me that i would feel compelled to stop transitioning, stop trying to live my truth, stop trying to live at all?

I know they do It Gets Better videos for gay teens, but what about the transgender ones? Can they even do one for them? Does it ever get better? How can it when those in our own community, the GLBTQ community, disses us, trashes us and insults us, almost daily?

How can it get better when I get told, daily, that I'm not a real man because my cock isn't physically attached? How can it get better when daily I get emails calling me a freak and telling me to go away? How can it get better when those who bully me, and their supporters, get more comfort, support, and encouragement than I do?

What else do I have to do to be accepted? Changing my name, my clothes, getting T-shots, getting reassignment doesn't seem like it will ever be enough. Do they want me to continue to live a lie? Am I supposed to ignore the truth inside of me because it makes them uncomfortable? Because they don't understand? I try to teach them, I try to explain, but I get told that I'm wrong. I get told that I'm just supposed to accept it. I get told that I should just stop trying to fight, because it will never be enough.

But Dad, you're my hero, one of the smartest men I know, so maybe you can help me understand.

When do I finally become a man?


Your Son
Vicktor Aleksandr B


  1. Big, big hugs. You are a man

  2. Oh Vic,
    How do you measure manhood? By a piece of flesh? Manhood, in my opinion at least, is the courage to stand by your convictions despite what others say. In your heart and mind you already are a man. To me and so many others you are a man. Much love to you, its not.any easy path but its yours and its worth it.

  3. Sorry, was trying to reply earlier but I was using the phone and it wouldn't recognise my google profile.
    I have always thought of you as a man - that's how you identify yourself on your blogs so that's what you are. I'm so sorry you get such hurtful responses from people; be who you want to be, it is your choice and yours alone. To argue that you're too pretty - it's your body, not theirs.
    I wish there was a way to stop the haters. Nevermind the people that smile to your face but then hate.
    You are funny, clever, wonderful (and a man) and there are many people who care for you.
    Take care & many hugs.

  4. Vicktor, you are already truly a man because that's what you truly feel inside. It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear or what's on the outside. In your heart, you know and a part of you has always known. Always be true to yourself and don't ever let anyone stop you from being who you truly are and doing what you truly wish to do. You have such strength and courage inside you and you have a huge heart. You are truly an amazing man Vic, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!
    For what it's worth, you will always have my support.
    Love and Hugs!

  5. You are a man. It is not measured by flesh it is measured by being yourself. Living your truth and never giving up. You are more man then some of the men that were born exactly that way are. You are more man than my own father is. I love you big brother and to me that is who you are a man a brother a husband to are so many things to a lot of us. This is for you my dear Big Brother. Stay strong for me.

    I am a man:

    Days creep by and flash around
    Trying to find what I've already known
    Looking to live
    looking to breath easier
    Finding that I've been a man from under
    Under my skin I am a man
    Under my skin I am the man I wish to be
    In my heart I'm the man that some can't see
    In my soul I am a man
    In my eyes and in my soul in my heart and in the deepest depths of my being I am and have always been a man.
    Ones that shun me have no business to put me down.
    Ones who shun me have no business in my life.
    This is my truth.
    This is my life.
    I am a man.
    I will always be a man.
    No matter who says otherwise.
    I AM A MAN!
    One day very soon I'll show you all just how much of a man I am.
    I am real just as any man is real.
    I keep it honest & true.
    I protect what is mine.
    I protect my family.
    I will protect the kids I shall have.
    I will protect everything and everyone that I claim as part of my family.
    A man I am and respect I deserve.
    I do more than some of these half ass men on this earth.
    I work constantly on trying to better the world.
    I work hard to better myself as well.
    I write and I inspire.
    Can some of you other men say that very same thing?
    Don't cast the first stone.
    If you are unwilling to have the glass home broken.
    I have been a man since birth.
    I was only born with the wrong parts.
    My parts didn't grow the right way.
    But I've always known that I was a man am a man.
    So to cast a stone you most first cast it at yourself.
    I am a man weather you wish me to be or not.

    I love ya Vic. You are a man always have been always will be. Please never forget that.

  6. You can't live up to everyone's expectations... I have seen far more "men" who are lesser man than you. Don't let anyone tell you anything different.

    In our eyes, you are a man.

  7. I have no other words than "I love you just the way you are." *hugs*

  8. Thank you all for your comments and your support. You are all extremely invaluable to me. Thank you.


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