When I first read Carol Lynne's "Hawk's Landing" and LA Witt's "Static", I had nightmares.
Nightmares about my truth, the reality of who I really am, who I was born to be, and the reaction of my biological family.
The nightmares ended after said "family" had their reactions and I thought that it was all over.
Then came the lovely interrogation on Goodreads.
I had nightmares again, these were worse than the ones before. The nightmares followed me into real life, I couldn't eat, couldn't read, couldn't write, couldn't talk, tweet, couldn't sleep. I spent two weeks shaking and crying. I was filled with shame and pain from people who were supposed to support me and in the nightmares I relived my attack with viciousness.
Then my ex-boyfriend, Jack, started to beat me up. I wasn't safe in my sleep and being without family and without a home, Jack was all I had. I accepted and suffered his abuse, his violation of my person, his brutal ravaging of my body and the nightmares grew worse. More bloody and brutal, more vicious, more heart-breaking. The depression swept over me and I prayed for death. I prayed for peace in the abyss.
My waking life was horrible and my dreaming life even more so.
Then I moved to New York and the nightmares stopped. I had only one and it was right after contact with the biologicals.
Now that Daniel's here the nightmares are back. Frequent and heart-breaking. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to sleep for fear of the next nightmare.
They yank me out of sleep and I wake up gasping like John Barrowman in Torchwood every time he died and came back to life.
I'm overjoyed that Daniel's here, really, really happy, but because of that I am very aware of how much I have to lose and how devastated I'd be if I lost it.
I'm not a pessimistic person, I see the glass as half-full and always look for the silver lining, but my dreams are different, I have no control there. I can't get restraining orders on the biologicals there, can't call the police on them, all I can do is wake up.
And so I keep waking up, gasping, holding back the tears, and hoping to YHVH that Daniel can't see the fear in my eyes, hope that he doesn't think I'm not worth it and leaves me, hope that eventually the nightmares will finally stop.
For good.
Before I can't sleep at all.
I'm not normal, I love being different, and it's one of the sexiest things about me...next to my creative brain and "Lil' Big Vic".
No H8
Vic, maybe you shouldn't "hold back the tears" or hide your "fear" from Daniel...knowing Daniel is there for you, the man he loves..."will finally stop" the nightmares...just a thought. Take care!
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs and support for you hun!
ReplyDeleteVic, Daniel is there for you. Oh yeah there is something that I read up in this post and I'm not judging you but I do have one person I'd love to "smack" virtually up[side the head for hurting you. Well more than one but still.
ReplyDeleteBig Brother Daniel loves you no matter what he's there for you. Don't hide from him and this is coming from exp. Hiding does nothing but push the person away. Showing trusting that is the hardest part when loving. You are not going to lose Daniel. Repeat that in your head before you go to sleep and make it chase your nightmares away.
Remember that I love you and your Brit Man loves you. Family loves you too.
~Snuggles you tight and kisses your cheek~ Now I'm going to go salvage what I can of my own life. You big bro give that Brit Man a big hug and kiss to his cheek for me and tell him Lil Sis says Hey.
I'm sorry that the joy of having Daniel here is tempered by old fears and nightmares. Maybe your subconscious is telling you that now is the time to drag some of that stuff out into the light, while you have your man to hold you as you deal with it. Remember that if someone loves you, then helping you and healing you is a joy to them and not a chore. Let Daniel have that, rather than the distance of you hiding from him how much it is shaking you right now. Even if it just helps a little to be held, and the deeper roots are not something you can work on now, let him hold you. Let him give you that. You may be the dom, but letting him be the strong one sometimes doesn't have to damage that. Giving and sharing builds love.
ReplyDelete((hugs to you both))
Meh, I want to find a nice happily ever after magical solution for you because you so deserve the glass to be completely full and overflowing with the good stuff.
ReplyDeleteInstead, I am holding both you and Daniel in the light and offering support and good wishes
*hugs*
K
I loved Hawk's Landing. It was such a refreshing portrayal of love as just -- LOVE. No reasons, no bindings. Growing up in a sheltered atmosphere I couldn't have asked for a better book to expose me to different kinds of love.
ReplyDeleteMay be the nightmares are back because deep inside you know that you can let go, because even sub-consciously you know that Daniel will be there to hold you tight. Nothing WORTH in life is easy. As afraid as you are that Daniel might give up on you, please don't hold yourself back from him either. XX
Vic, Dear, dear, sweet man,
ReplyDeletePlease listen. I know, I know Vic that we do not know one another...I know that many here, many know you so much better than I..but I want to say something to you and I ask you to please listen to this--take this in and let it fill you.
You are a remarkable man---and an remarkable man loves you.
You have beat the odds time and time again and that has left your heart battered and your mind confused and so very tired BUT it has not touched your soul--it has not marred the essence that is you--the beauty that is you SHINES forth--that is what Daniel sees--that is what Daniel loves. He other--those things will heal--they will---and you will be strong again.
You have the right to be cherished and cherish another in return.
You have the right to live proud and free, unfettered from fear and drenched in love.
You have the right to stand and say I love this man and he loves me and the rest---well the rest is just not important.
You are his...and he is yours...he loves all of you---ALL OF YOU--the pain, the love, the fear, the joy, the anger, the pride, the passion, the intellect--all of it!
Turn to him now--turn to him and give him ALL of you--because the ONLY regret you will have is not giving when you could--you ca do this Vic--You are strong--You can give this man you love everything that is inside you---he is waiting...he is waiting to hold it and you close and never let you go.
Vic, my bestie, you are soooo stuck w/ Daniel. He's there for you. If you get a nightmare tonight, wake him up and hold him. Cry to him. he'll chase those tears away, find a way to stop the nightmares cuz he loves you. You're stuck w/ him.
ReplyDeleteFears don't make you weak. Showing fear doesn't make you weak. Letting someone comfort you when you're afraid doesn't make you weak. It makes you human and there's nothing wrong with that. *hugs and chases bad dreams w/ a big stick*
Oh, honey. My heart's breaking for you. I need to borrow Patty's big stick so I can beat up the bad dreams after she's done chasing them. Just ask Lor; Patty's the innocent pixie and I'm the misbehaving one. I got this.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though? I know this feeling. My past wasn't cushiony soft--at age 17 I'd decided on how to commit suicide, but never went through with it. But it was nowhere near the horrors other people put you through, and I can't even imagine how you came out on the other side as the person you are.
My family was the reason behind it. The reason I got through it was the friends I had, and in the years since, I've completely fallen in love with one of those friends.
We've been together two years, and sometimes I still wonder--what the hell is he doing with me? I'm bruised and battered, have plenty of baggage, and drive about 60% of all people I meet up the wall. (By my own guess anyways.) Someone like him, he could have anyone he wanted, anyone at all. Instead, I'm the second girlfriend he's ever had, the only long-term one, and he's made it clear he intends to make me his wife someday.
But he's there, all the way through it. He pushes me to be a better person than I think I can be, and refuses to let me be so critical of myself. When I break down, he holds onto me. And even though I do the same for him--without questioning it--I still find myself baffled that he does all this for me.
That's what love IS, Vic, at least that I've learned. The whole damn thing is awe-inspiring and terrifying, incredible and shit-your-pants scary all at the same time. But you guys are in it for the long haul, and Daniel wouldn't be there if he hadn't accepted you for who you are, scars and all. Let him in. Odds are it'll help.
In the meantime, big big hugs (and a rambly comment) from Murphy. Now Imma go beat up those bad dreams. Patty, your stick please.
Share your burden of fear with Daniel. He will be there to love and support you. Love and faith are the only things that can chase fear away. Faith in love. Faith in yourself. You are so strong and beautiful (because survivors are ALWAYS ALWAYS beautiful). Those dreams cannot hurt you, but the fear behind them can. You don't have to carry it alone. Much love for you, and for Daniel. I will be keeping you both in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think Sammy did a wonderful job of expressing what I would like to say - I don't know you, but from reading your books and blogs I believe you are a very talented and kind person. That people have hurt you in the past makes me both sad and angry. (And I have some very firm and fairly nasty opinions on what should happen to abusive partners).
ReplyDeleteYou have the right to be whoever you choose. And if someone doesn't agree with your choice? As my mum has been known to say 'if you can't think of anything nice to say don't say anything at all' - for other people to interrogate you or lash out at you over your choices shows that they are smallminded and foolish. And they would do better to stay silent (and maybe get out more!)
I'd suggest talking to Daniel about the nightmares; I've learnt that my partners (I'm poly & have 2 partners) worry about me most when I withdraw and don't talk about things. And with depression that happens fairly often. Learning that the people you love will stand by you even when you're being miserable and irritable (and I've found when I'm most depressed I'm also very irritable) is a difficult lesson - I'm still working on that one to be fair.
Bad dreams have a nasty habit of following you into waking life; I'm sure if you talk to Daniel and let him know when you've had one he'll be there to support you. And I do know how very hard it is to let people in and admit what's wrong but people who care about you can tell when something is wrong - and even if they can't solve what's wrong they feel better for offering support. I'm not sure I'm phrasing this too well but it's from some long conversations with a very dear friend who said one of the worst things about watching someone who's ill or hurting is not knowing how to help or even if offering help is ok. And once that barrier is broken, even if the best she can offer is 'here's some tissues, I'll put the kettle on, let me know if you need anything' then she feels relieved that the offer of help is tacitly available.
And this wound up being very rambling. Sorry about that.
I hope the nightmares go away. And if need be maybe one of these nice people will loan me a big stick to help chase them away - one with a nail in would be good :)
*hugs* You're stuck with me, Vic.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, about the nightmares. Shit happens in real life. Unfortunate, but true. What's important isn't the actual event, but how we resolve it.
Example: You wake up in the morning and there's no milk in the fridge. Horrifying, I know. How will people make their morning cups of coffee now!?
Solution: Go to the shop and buy some.
Anyway, my point is that yes, your dreams may be scary and terrifying, but that's only because you keep waking up in the middle of them, you don't get to see how they play out.
Look at it another way. In the first dream, Patti beat up one of the biologicals for stalking you and trying to kill or kidnap you. In the second dream, everyone was standing up for you. Cherie drove off after the kids. Frankie was throwing 'shit' at them. And I'm sure everyone else in your life would have came together to save the day.
So what if they're not nightmares at all? What if they're your subconscious trying to show you that the bad shit better beware from now on? It can try to hurt you, and sometimes it may succeed, but you have so many people here to love you and support you, and we'll be damned if we can't manage to fix things.
Thank you all for your kind words and loving comments. Your support is invaluable to me. I haven't had a nightmare for a few nights, though I have had some salacious dreams. I think that it's very comforting to know that people won't turn their back on you when you show them that you're not always strong, that you're not always going to be dominant or in charge or on top, that sometimes you need to be taken cared of as well. It's nice to know that I have the freedom to show that vulnerable side of myself without ridicule. Thank you again.
ReplyDeleteWanna know something crazy?
ReplyDeleteI've had nightmares and just mucked up dreams, but I actually started to forcibly wake myself up. I'll b dreaming that I'm in jail, or getting chased by someone bad. And in the dream I actually tell myself it isn't real.
I swear I never thought I'd b able to do something like that.
For some reason my iPad stops me from writing much of any more online (bizarre, but I think it's the beginning of the end for my babe), so email me and I'll tell you how I started realizing I could control these said dams.