When I first read Carol Lynne's "Hawk's Landing" and LA Witt's "Static", I had nightmares.
Nightmares about my truth, the reality of who I really am, who I was born to be, and the reaction of my biological family.
The nightmares ended after said "family" had their reactions and I thought that it was all over.
Then came the lovely interrogation on Goodreads.
I had nightmares again, these were worse than the ones before. The nightmares followed me into real life, I couldn't eat, couldn't read, couldn't write, couldn't talk, tweet, couldn't sleep. I spent two weeks shaking and crying. I was filled with shame and pain from people who were supposed to support me and in the nightmares I relived my attack with viciousness.
Then my ex-boyfriend, Jack, started to beat me up. I wasn't safe in my sleep and being without family and without a home, Jack was all I had. I accepted and suffered his abuse, his violation of my person, his brutal ravaging of my body and the nightmares grew worse. More bloody and brutal, more vicious, more heart-breaking. The depression swept over me and I prayed for death. I prayed for peace in the abyss.
My waking life was horrible and my dreaming life even more so.
Then I moved to New York and the nightmares stopped. I had only one and it was right after contact with the biologicals.
Now that Daniel's here the nightmares are back. Frequent and heart-breaking. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to sleep for fear of the next nightmare.
They yank me out of sleep and I wake up gasping like John Barrowman in Torchwood every time he died and came back to life.
I'm overjoyed that Daniel's here, really, really happy, but because of that I am very aware of how much I have to lose and how devastated I'd be if I lost it.
I'm not a pessimistic person, I see the glass as half-full and always look for the silver lining, but my dreams are different, I have no control there. I can't get restraining orders on the biologicals there, can't call the police on them, all I can do is wake up.
And so I keep waking up, gasping, holding back the tears, and hoping to YHVH that Daniel can't see the fear in my eyes, hope that he doesn't think I'm not worth it and leaves me, hope that eventually the nightmares will finally stop.
Before I can't sleep at all.