Still Shocked

So about a week or so ago I got an email forwarded to me from my big sister Cherie from a publisher who told her to tell me that they wanted to publish me. A well-known publisher. One that I'd already wanted to publish with but that I'd been slightly hesitant to do so with because...well....my stuff is sort of out there sometimes.

I was shocked to say the least that this publisher not only knew who I was (hello? Seriously?) but that they had contacted Cherie to tell her to let me know that they wanted to publish something of mine.

Mine.

So while I was shocked and told Cherie that I was going to write back to said publisher I never did.

Why?

Honestly, I still have these moments where I'm waiting for everyone to realize that I'm not as amazing as they all think that I am. I'm trying to stop having this low opinion of myself and for the most part I am successful, but I've got about 28 years of teaching, abuse, mistreatment, rejection and low self esteem to work through and at this point, the fact that I can glance at myself in the mirror is a huge step forward for me.

So I finally decided to write to said author last night.

I put on my big boy pants and just let the publisher know that I'd received the forwarded email, that I did have something finished already that I wanted to sub to them but that according to what I'd heard and the website, they weren't looking for it, but that whenever I got something that met their criteria that I'd go ahead and send it over to them for consideration.

The publisher wrote back and told me to send them my completed manuscript and that they'd been waiting on me to submit something to them.

*cue shocked face*

Are you serious?

This is one of those moments when I start looking around for Ashton Kutcher to see if I'm being Punk'd or not.

So when no celebrity ran into the room to tell me that it was all a joke I finally realized that this publisher actually wanted to publish me. Me! And that they'd been waiting on me to submit something to them.

I was humbled and honored.

I am humbled and honored.

Flabbergasted.

Shocked out of my ever loving mind.

More than that I am realizing that a lot of what I've been told from the biological family and so called "friends" for my own good, was nothing but a bunch of horse shit. It's thrilling to find out that I'm made for so much more than being a minister. It's thrilling to know that I'm made for so much more than to be the good little Messianic Jew.

I'm talented and people like me.

*Snickers*

Yes that was very much a "You like me, you really like me," moment.

It's just amazing to know that the little voice inside of me, that spark, that hunger, that drive and determination that kept pushing me, that told me to stay alive, to never stop fighting, to never give up, to not let myself overdose, to call someone when I felt like killing myself, to check my email when I was going to commit suicide, to keep believing...that voice that told me I was special, that I'm talented, that I'm creative and that I'm made for so much more than what I think and that I was created to change the world...it's amazing to know that that little voice was right. I'm so glad that I listened to it.

And I'm still shocked.


-Vicktor Aleksandr B