Are You A Criminal? (Some Funnies for Murphy)

This is for my friend Murphy who needs a good laugh. I "borrowed" this from the Stormy Glenn group that I'm a part of.

Okay, so I lifted it. but none of this is anything that I wrote or created on my own. The asides also belong to Stormy.

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.)

Alabama: sex toys are banned.

Ancient law in Alabama bans men from attempting to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, arts, deception, flattery or a promise of marriage."

Anniston, Alabama: If a woman loses a game of pool, it is illegal for her to settle her tab with sex.

Arizona: perfectly all right for women to go topless in public, since breasts weren't deemed private parts.

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

Cottonwood, Arizona: Couples having sex in a vehicle with flat wheels will be fined. The fine will be doubled if the sex occurs in the backseat.

California: illegal for either partner to reach climax before the other during foreplay

Connecticut: forbidding any "private sexual behavior between consenting adults."

Florida: two people cannot commit "unusual acts" together. Illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine. It an offense to shower in the nude.

Georgia: sexual intercourse between unmarried couples is illegal

Idaho: not allowed to engage in any type of public display of affection for more than 18 min.

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Oblong, Illinois: It's punishable by law to have sex while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

Indiana: oral sex is banned

Iowa: -5 min. time limit to make out.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Kentucky: can't marry the same man three times in some Kentucky townships

Louisiana: you can streak as long as you can prove to a court beyond a doubt that you had no "lascivious intent."

Maryland: it's illegal to smooch for more than 1 sec [yes, 1 second] in Halethorpe

Michigan: -male drivers in Detroit are banned from "ogling" women. Illegal to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo

Minnesota: sleeping naked is illegal. Illegal for men to have intimate sexual relationships with a live fish [although women, it's perfectly legal]. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Mississippi: men cannot become sexually aroused in public.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

Bozeman, Montana: All sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown is illegal — if they're nude.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

New Mexico: couples in Carlsbad can have sex in their parked car during their lunch break, as long as the curtains are drawn.

Nevada: if you're a member of the Nevada legislature, you cannot conduct business, while in session, wearing a penis costume

New York: -women cannot be seen wearing "body hugging clothing." Women can go topless in public, unless it is for "business" reasons

North Carolina: -it's an offense to have sex in a graveyard

-If you're unmarried and you and your lover register yourselves as a "Mr. and Mrs." when checking into a motel, then you're legally considered husband and wife[bigamy, polygamy, the potential criminal consequences are endless]

Ohio: anal intercourse is banned in Cincinnati.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

Oxford, Ohio: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Oregon: husbands in Willowdale can are fined for talking dirty during intercourse, but their wives can say whatever they please

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: It is illegal to have sex with a truck driver in a tollbooth.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

Tennessee: women in Dyersburg cannot call a man for a date

Texas: flirting is banned in San Antonio

Utah: Sex with an animal — unless performed for profit — is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

Tremonton, Utah: No woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. Um... discrimination, anyone?

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

Washington, D.C.: sexual positions beyond missionary are illegal

Washington State: sex with an animal is perfectly legal for men, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds

Wisconsin: illegal for a man to fire his gun in Connersville, when his lover reaches climax

Connorsville, Wisconsin: It's against the law for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Newcastle, Wyoming: Couples are banned from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.